topic Re: Unknown visitors. in Among Friends

Unknown visitors.

J Town Girl — Mon, 12 Nov 2018 23:59:22 GMT

We had an unusual experience on Saturday night and I would like to get some opinions on it.

I will give you some background information and hopefully, I can make it brief.

I'll begin by saying that my husband's parents came to this country right after they married in the late 1940's. Throughout the years they traveled back to their home country in eastern Europe a few times but not a lot. When my husband's father got up in years he wanted to make one trip back. His wife did not want to go back and since he was in his later years it was decided that his daughter would accompany him. They spent a few weeks there and returned. Other than a few conversations about what they did and who they saw not much more was ever mentioned. He passed away about two years after that trip. This was approximately about 12 years ago.

Since my husband wasn't born in his parents native country and didn't really have much to do with his paternal or maternal families he never really felt any attachment to the country. I believe he met his paternal grandmother just once when he was very young.

Most of what he knew about the old country was just told to him and even then it was not really talked about a lot. His parents left there to have a better life here and were very happy to be citizens of this country.

Now to get to our story. On Saturday night I was in the office and my husband was watching TV. Even though we live in a relatively safe neighborhood we always keep our gate locked at night and have an intercom system set up that anyone coming to the gate can push the button and we can both see and talk to them before opening it up.

I heard the intercom button go off and as I got up to see who was there my husband got there first. Why he even answered it, I don't know. It was a young couple that neither of us had ever seen before. Had I gotten there first, I would have ignored it and just pretended we weren't home. After my husband asked them what they wanted, they proceeded to tell him that they were from the same European town as my husband's parents came from and they were just passing through our area on their way to an adjoining state.

Obviously, after that comment, we just couldn't ignore them. My husband went out to the gate to talk to them and I stayed in the house near the alarm system. They both had an accent and even pronounced our last name the way it would have been pronounced in their country. They said they now lived in Canada and were just on vacation. They had a picture of my husband's father and my husband's sister sitting around a table with several people one of which the young man said was his grandmother. I assume this picture was taken on my FIL's last trip there. He said that his grandmother lived next door to my FIL's sister and she had them over for dinner while they were there. My husband said this young man was very cordial and seemed to have information that only someone from this country would know. Given the information and also the picture we believe he was completely telling the truth. He told my husband that he tried to call us a few days earlier but that no one answered. Why he didn't leave a voicemail message I don't know.

Although my husband felt that this couple was truthful he still wasn't comfortable inviting them into our house. He told them that we were in the middle of painting our house and everything was a mess. I forgot to mention that this happened at 8:30 PM. While my husband and I aren't elderly we are many many years apart in age from this young couple. There are just the two of us living in our house and we would be no match for someone intent on doing something criminal.

The final conclusion to this story is my husband spoke to them at the gate and they asked if they could take a picture of him to send back to their grandmother. After about 10 minutes of conversation, they told my husband it was nice meeting him and then they left. I also forgot to mention that both of my husbands' parents are now deceased and his only other relative is his sister who lives across the country from us. We aren't on the best terms with her so contacting her would not be something we would do.

I'm so sorry this post is so long but trying to explain everything is just complicated.

I may be completely wrong but I just feel like this young couple thought that we would offer them a place to spend the night. Taking someone into our home that neither of us knew or ever heard of would not be something I would even consider.

My question to you is how would you have handled this situation? Would you have invited them in and would you have offered to put them up for the night?

I told my husband that this couple probably thought we were rude but not knowing anything about them just made me very cautious.

Re: Unknown visitors.

Mz iMac — Tue, 13 Nov 2018 00:01:39 GMT

@J Town Girl wrote:

My question to you is how would you have handled this situation? Would you have invited them in and would you have offered to put them up for the night?

Re: Unknown visitors.

freakygirl — Tue, 13 Nov 2018 00:05:13 GMT

without even having more than a second to think about it, i would never invite strangers into my home, and much less, invite them to spend the night. i couldn’t care less if they think i’m rude. my safety comes first

Re: Unknown visitors.

ahoymate — Tue, 13 Nov 2018 00:06:18 GMT

Of course you wouldn't invite total strangers into your house & you certainly wouldn't have them spend the night. You'd be crazy!!!! We live in a violent world & trust is not in the cards for strangers. Stay safe & trust your instincts.

Re: Unknown visitors.

Mom2Dogs — Tue, 13 Nov 2018 00:08:33 GMT

I think it was kind of your husband to speak with them, but like you, I would not have felt comfortable inviting them in and certainly I would not have asked them to spend the night.

I think it would have been more proper for them to send you a note (snail mail) in advance of their trip, letting you know to expect them in around a certain time/date. That way you may not have been so apprehensive.

Re: Unknown visitors.

alliswell — Tue, 13 Nov 2018 00:11:00 GMT

@Mz iMac wrote:

Ditto

Re: Unknown visitors.

software — Tue, 13 Nov 2018 00:12:57 GMT

In their world, it may be common courtesy but in our country, in this day & age, you can't afford to be so trusting.

The most I would have done is put them up at a local hotel.

You would be out some money but you would sleep better.

I know you said the parents have passed, but the other families could have given you a head's up that this couple may be "passing through"

Re: Unknown visitors.

staciesmom — Tue, 13 Nov 2018 00:13:08 GMT

NO WAY would I have invited them in. Your DH was a lot nicer than I would have been. I would have politely told them I was busy and wished them well. Sadly too many scams out there. Better safe than sorry IMO.

Re: Unknown visitors.

DREAMON — Tue, 13 Nov 2018 00:14:55 GMT

I would not have answered the door but I bet my husband would have and after hearing the story I wouldn't be surprised if he invited them in.

I don't think he would ask them to spend the night.

Re: Unknown visitors.

drizzellla — Tue, 13 Nov 2018 00:15:52 GMT

We took our neighbor out to lunch. And he said a distant relative of his family wrote to him via facebook. They are coming to the US for a visit and want to stay with him in his house. He is not sure what he is going to do. He also does not know or ever met these people. Just heard about them from his Dad.

And then our friends went to Italy to visit the village where their parent's family were from. During the visit they ran into their distant relatives. The people who were related to our friends insisted that they stay for dinner. And wanted them to also stay at their house. Our friends had not called ahead because they did not have their address, name or phone #.

Well, it is over and done. Can't change anythng now.

Re: Unknown visitors.

gizmogal — Tue, 13 Nov 2018 00:16:07 GMT

I think it was handled perfectly Your husband was polite and affable but did not allow these strangers past the gate. I see no danger in their taking a photo if he permitted it. Since they did not overtly ask to stay the night, you had no obligation to invite them or accommodate them.

They got the brief acquaintance time they seemed to want and they were not dismissed or chased off. It’s not like you called the police or became aggressive in any way. Avoiding their entry to your home did not make you rude. If they could call once and get no answer, they could have tried a second time. This doesn’t make them suspect. It just means they remained strangers, arrived later than most people would enjoy company, and accepted just what they got: conversation and polite avoidance of further hospitality.

There may may have been cultural differences involved in how they expected to be greeted and treated and certainly their sensitivity to an older couple’s caution was not in tune. But you should feel no obligation to allow strangers into your home or put them up for the night. They never seemed to explain how they found your address or tracked you here, so I don’t think one photo from 14 years ago is a direct pass to your guest room.

Being cautious of a couple of young strangers is not rude. I would have done as your husband did and acted receptive but not invitational. Have no second thoughts. Your instincts were healthy and appropriate. Your hindsight on this situation is perfectly civilized and does not deserve anything but chalking it up to the oddities of life. Live long enough, you see all kinds of things.

Re: Unknown visitors.

jubilant — Tue, 13 Nov 2018 00:20:06 GMT

Not to have left a voice mail and to show up at 8:30 in the evening was really not wise on their part. That or they are just young and naive. Ideally, had they let you know what it was all about on your answering machine, you could have met at a public place that day or the next. I think you did the right thing. Even though they could have been on the "up and up" they had no right to expect any more than they got under the circumstances.

Re: Unknown visitors.

YorkieonmyPillow — Tue, 13 Nov 2018 00:23:48 GMT

I would've handled it the same way. I don't care where they claim to come from, I definitely would NOT ask strangers to spend the night in my home!

Never.

Re: Unknown visitors.

Snowpuppy — Tue, 13 Nov 2018 00:24:30 GMT

If they are truly now Canadian, that may explain a lot.

It's common to live in multi cultural communities. I'm talking first generation immigrants. While 8:30 is late, most Canadians don't live with the paranoia that many in the US live with. Fear your neighbor is not the rule.

I would not have invited them in but I may have suggested to meet at a restaurant the next day to chat.

Truly makes me sad that this is what we've become.

Re: Unknown visitors.

jubilant — Tue, 13 Nov 2018 00:42:47 GMT

@Snowpuppy

It is sad. I remember a time when it was rare to hear about murders, intruders, scammers, etc. as much as we do now. Now, it is rampant and just not safe to trust those you don't really know....especially when it involves welcoming them into your home with open arms!

Re: Unknown visitors.

occasionalrain — Tue, 13 Nov 2018 00:49:26 GMT

What makes me suspicious is that they didn't leave a message with a number to call them back. Also the time they stopped by without it being pre arranged. All the information they had could possibly have been found on the Internet. If the OP lives in an upscale neighborhood i would be even more suspicious.

Always err on the side of prudence.

Bty, your post was clear, concise and well written, perfect.

Re: Unknown visitors.

RedTop — Tue, 13 Nov 2018 00:44:32 GMT

I think you handled the situation very well, and definitely appropriately.

I have found several distant relatives thru the internet. My husband and I met the 2 male cousins for dinner at a local restaurant when they were passing thru this area. One later sent me a treasured item I had always been searching for. The female cousin who emailed pictures of my great grandpa taken in this area was invited to my house. I gave her an item that had actually belonged to her relative. All were lovely people, and we are still in touch.

Re: Unknown visitors.

NicksmomESQ — Tue, 13 Nov 2018 00:57:28 GMT

I would have done the same exact thing!! You & your husband have to put yourselves first.Family or not you don’t know these people,period!!

Re: Unknown visitors.

eddyandme — Tue, 13 Nov 2018 00:59:54 GMT

Would have pretnded not to be home!

Re: Unknown visitors.

blackhole99 — Tue, 13 Nov 2018 01:05:40 GMT

I would not have let them in, but I would have asked for their info to get in touch in the future. I remember when I was a teen, my grandfather's cousins from Austria just showed up at my grandma's house. My grandfather had been dead for many years and my grandma never met these people. Anyway, my grandma did not hesitate to let them in, they became great friends and our families still keep in touch today.