topic Re: What should I do? in Among Friends

What should I do?

hyacinth003 — Tue, 06 Nov 2018 05:40:19 GMT

My 31 year old daughter lives with my husband and I. We are supporting her 100% due to her inability to work. She has applied for disability, and we had a court date for October 19, but it was cancelled. Seem the judge quit over a scandal! We waited a year and a half for the court date.

She lives with us and uses our vehicles. A male friend of hers (used to date, are now friends) had a serious car accident about 2 weeks ago. He is a type 1 diabetic, and had a low blood sugar episode and the car went off the road. He wasn't hurt, nor were any other cars involved. However, this was reported to the Secretary of State. They have suspended his license pending medical clearance and their "review board."

He cannot get an appointment with his doctor till the end of the month, and who knows how long the review will take. So this leaves him unable to drive to work. He works like 6pm to 4am. His father is also a type 1 diabetic with vision impairment. He is not supposed to drive at night, leaving her friend in a world of hurt. He drove him last night and I think it didn't go so well.

He has asked my daughter if she will drive him HOME from work at 4am. She is willing to do it, but I am really concerned. He has offered payment, but my concerns aren't just that. It is November in Chicagoland and we ARE going to get bad weather. She would have to drive dark, not busy, roads to get there and back. I would worry every time she did it. I have tentatively told her that I don't think I will give permission for this.

She is upset, as he is a good friend, and I feel bad about it too. He's kind of out of options other than his father driving him (if even possible in the long term).

Sorry this is long. What would you say - yes or no. So far, I am leaning no.

Hyacinth

Re: What should I do?

hopi — Tue, 06 Nov 2018 05:52:00 GMT

Tons of Ubers in Chicago, he can pay them.

Re: What should I do?

occasionalrain — Tue, 06 Nov 2018 06:01:57 GMT

I would tell her of my concern and allow her to drive him temporarily while he finds another solution. Could he get a ride with a co-worker or ask to work a different shift or extra hours/fewer days until he's permitted to drive again? What about Uber or Lyft?

Re: What should I do?

Kachina624 — Tue, 06 Nov 2018 06:41:56 GMT

@hyacinth003. Ask you daughter what her plan is for the pre-dawn morning when she awakens to find 10" of new snow and no plows out yet.

Re: What should I do?

willomenia — Tue, 06 Nov 2018 06:51:58 GMT

She's 31! Why are you enabling her? Does she live on the streets if you and your husband pass away? You have to tell her to get her act together. If you weren't around what would she do? Thats wha t she needs to do.

Re: What should I do?

MarkeieMark — Tue, 06 Nov 2018 07:29:42 GMT

He had a serious car accident, and now he wants her to drive him in the dark in the middle of winter? And it's your car, and you are asking what you should do?

How is this an issue?

Re: What should I do?

January121 — Tue, 06 Nov 2018 07:41:15 GMT

If she is disabled & unable to work then in my opinion she should NOT be driving alone in the middle of night using YOUR vehicle..... it is one thing to try & help her friend & it’s another thing to risk her safety .... he should not be asking her to do this & obviously does not care about her safety .... I would not allow her to drive your car & flatly tell her so ... my answer is NO .... HE CAN CALL CAR SERVICE!!!!!

Re: What should I do?

mintedrose — Tue, 06 Nov 2018 07:45:50 GMT

wow ok this is very simple, first of all he needs to take UBER! there are tons of them around and very safe everyone takes uber these days. I dont care if its a friends or family when stuff has already happened and its gotten messy, he needs to take uber. Put your foot down.

Re: What should I do?

hyacinth003 — Tue, 06 Nov 2018 07:52:55 GMT

Have never done Uber or any car service. I think this is a great idea for her to suggest to him.

Thanks for that idea.

Hyacinth

Re: What should I do?

hyacinth003 — Tue, 06 Nov 2018 08:00:28 GMT

@willomenia wrote:
She's 31! Why are you enabling her? Does she live on the streets if you and your husband pass away? You have to tell her to get her act together. If you weren't around what would she do? Thats wha t she needs to do.

We don't enable her. She worked until she was unable to do it anymore. Was mostly a safety issue as she had even fallen at work. Plus, employers will only try to accommodate things up to a point, depending on your job.

It's a long story I have posted about before. She is a physical and increasingly psychological mess due to her physical problems. We are now waiting on another court date for her disability case. She is a college graduate that we NEVER could have seen this coming. She was super active until becoming disabled. I pray multiple times a day that she get better so she can have a real life. She's very independent and would LOVE to be out on her own!

Hyacinth

Re: What should I do?

hyacinth003 — Tue, 06 Nov 2018 08:10:59 GMT

@MarkeieMark wrote:
He had a serious car accident, and now he wants her to drive him in the dark in the middle of winter? And it's your car, and you are asking what you should do?

How is this an issue?

Long, complicated, story. She has an autistic disorder, and he is her only real friend. She has other acquaintences, but he is her only true friend. He even encouraged her to get her driver's license and helped her learn in his car. We couldn't get her past her fear!

He accepts and considers her disabilities. It's a close friendship, and we like him too. He's had a tough life too with type 1 diabetes. They consider each other.

She's trying to be a good friend and my husband and I are trying to find a way to be good people, that's all.

Hyacinth

Re: What should I do?

Foolywooly11 — Tue, 06 Nov 2018 08:36:27 GMT

You sound like good people, & your daughter , a good friend, but there's more than one reason why this is not a good idea, as the op's have mentioned. Believe me, I know how hard it is to say no, but your good sense needs to overule your daughter's desire to help her friend, & her friend's desire to have her drive him. Follow your parental instincts, & good luck.

Re: What should I do?

CelticCrafter — Tue, 06 Nov 2018 09:16:18 GMT

At 4 in the morning, in the dark, maybe in bad weather, in your car...no.

If there should be an accident, you're responsible - not her.

Re: What should I do?

qualitygal — Tue, 06 Nov 2018 09:33:27 GMT

do what you feel best. find another way.

Re: What should I do?

Lilysmom — Tue, 06 Nov 2018 09:38:52 GMT

@hyacinth003, give him a week’s notice to find another ride. He can Uber, carpool, pay a friend, take the bus.

Insurance is an issue. If your daughter has an accident, it affects your insurance, not hers. You will be paying the increased premiums.

Good luck with this. Try to get it resolved before the snow flies. LM

Re: What should I do?

staciesmom — Tue, 06 Nov 2018 10:48:40 GMT

I wouldn't allow it due to liability.

Re: What should I do?

OKPrincess — Tue, 06 Nov 2018 10:55:20 GMT

What I don’t like is how their attitudes (daughter, friend, friend’s father) are turning the tables and making you and DH out to be the bad people and feel guilty.

Its your car, your vehicle, your insurance.

Since your DD has applied for disability, are their restrictions on her driving? You’ve never said but approximately how far is the round trip drive?

I wish you well in your decision. I’ve had to make some tough ones too.

Re: What should I do?

jackthebear — Tue, 06 Nov 2018 11:06:28 GMT

1. Uber

2. friend needs to be calling his Dr everyday and getting a closer appt and getting control of his disease.

3. Not your daughters or your problem

Re: What should I do?

CalminHeart — Tue, 06 Nov 2018 11:23:49 GMT

@hyacinth003 wrote:
@willomenia wrote:
She's 31! Why are you enabling her? Does she live on the streets if you and your husband pass away? You have to tell her to get her act together. If you weren't around what would she do? Thats wha t she needs to do.
We don't enable her. She worked until she was unable to do it anymore. Was mostly a safety issue as she had even fallen at work. Plus, employers will only try to accommodate things up to a point, depending on your job.

It's a long story I have posted about before. She is a physical and increasingly psychological mess due to her physical problems. We are now waiting on another court date for her disability case. She is a college graduate that we NEVER could have seen this coming. She was super active until becoming disabled. I pray multiple times a day that she get better so she can have a real life. She's very independent and would LOVE to be out on her own!

Hyacinth

I'm sorry about your daughter's disability. It's rough for her and you.

My sister had a stroke at age 53 and could no longer work. She is a highly educated nurseand ran operating rooms/systems and trauma centers at hospitals for decades. It is so sad to see what the stroke did to her....she reads at about the 2nd grade level, she can sign her name but otherwise can't write much, her emotional state is about age 9, and she has no short term memory. Yet she can do a lot of things. She lives with my parents and helps them with basic household things and is very loving and kind.

Ignore the judgement of others about your daughter. Do your best to get another court date asap even if it means hiring an attorney. Be sure she's in counseling. Once it's all settled, she may find some peace and a way to move forward.

Blessings.

Re: What should I do?

Travone — Tue, 06 Nov 2018 12:06:09 GMT

I would not allow it. If he is paying her for driving him, it may interfere with her being granted disability. I know she wants to help him, but if he is a true friend he will understand this explanation.

I agree with the others. If he can pay, he should try Uber, or ask someone from work.

Good Luck