topic Re: Unrealistic expectations of help? in Among Friends

Unrealistic expectations of help?

house_cat — Sun, 14 Oct 2018 02:07:09 GMT

My two dearest friends are both retired. Both of them are very well-off financially. One of them is having rotator cuff surgery done next week. The other one, though usually very thoughtful and helpful, will be away on a cruise for two weeks and unable to help out.

We three had dinner together the other night and the one who is having surgery was saying that she will be needing lots of help. She will not have the use of her left arm and she is not permitted to drive for six weeks. She lives alone, across town from me, about 20 minutes each way. I told her that I'd be happy to stop in after work as many days as possible, bring groceries, help out with what she might need. I did suggest, though, that she might want to consider Uber or Lyft and grocery delivery from time to time, since I am already the designated chauffeur and caretaker for my husband who is disabled.

She didn't say it outright, but I sense that she was hurt by my suggestion that I may not be able to help her as often as she expected. The other friend, who will be away cruising, said, "If I wasn't going away, I'd have you come stay with us so I could care for you." I know that's true and she would open her home to her, but the reality is that she will NOT be home and NOT able to do that, so the responsibiity is mine, at least for the first two weeks of her recovery.

I'm bracing myself for the responses I might get, but I'll ask anyway.... do you think I was unreasonable or incondsiderate to suggest she might call an Uber or have food delvered, at least part of the time?

I'm feeling like a heel.

Re: Unrealistic expectations of help?

simplyfriends — Sun, 14 Oct 2018 02:13:37 GMT

You are not being unrealistic at all. I’ve had similar situations and you do what you can. I had surgery and live alone so I planned ahead with all my medications, food, etc. Friends and family checked in but I only needed help getting home from surgery and to a follow up appointment.

Re: Unrealistic expectations of help?

Leggett28 — Sun, 14 Oct 2018 02:15:53 GMT

Omg! You are not being unreasonable you have enough on your plate.

Re: Unrealistic expectations of help?

Snowpuppy — Sun, 14 Oct 2018 02:17:03 GMT

If your friend having surgery is well off financially, why is she too cheap to hire someone to come in a few hours a day?

Rotator cuff surgery is not life threatening, nor will she be confined to a wheelchair or walker.

She will need someone to take her to therapy and follow up appts.

She has no other family to rely on?

Re: Unrealistic expectations of help?

Warrior2022 — Sun, 14 Oct 2018 02:18:32 GMT

You are under no obligation to care for your friend. Sure, we all would like to help our friends, but it should not be a burden. When my Mother was dying, one friend was constantly needing attention. A ride, could I pick up whatever when I went to the store, I dropped a whatever and I need it picked up. This friend had recently had a stroke.

I seriously would not offer anything to your friend. However, when you are able and feel up to it you can help with a meal or a ride.

Re: Unrealistic expectations of help?

catwhisperer — Sun, 14 Oct 2018 02:20:20 GMT

I hear you. I have a "friend" who is wealthy, but uses people. She would rather have people volunteer to help her than pay for help. This person has used me many times. I was just trying to be kind until I woke up and realized I was just being used. Don't feel guilty for offering alternative suggestions to her.

Re: Unrealistic expectations of help?

Diva on The Q — Sun, 14 Oct 2018 02:20:29 GMT

@house_cat: No, I don't think you're being inconsiderate at all. You offered to help her whenever you can. I also don't think you were inconsiderate to suggest using Uber or grocery delivery. Sounds like you're being a good friend.

Re: Unrealistic expectations of help?

Zhills — Sun, 14 Oct 2018 02:20:47 GMT

You have no reason to feel bad. After all, you are only one person, a good one, but only one!

Maybe you could call Uber and set up an account for her and arrange for grocery delivery. She may feel unsure about doing these things and that adds to the anxiety.

You could even order her groceries if she sent you a list. Uber will also pick up meals from restaurants and deliver. Or maybe pick up food that is already prepared for her on your way home and drop it by.

The feeling of being alone and unable to do the things you are used to doing is terrifying!

However, that does not put the burden on you!

You might go to her house and see if you need to make adjustments that will make it easier for her. I have several articles "out" that normally would be in a closet or cabinet.

Do what you can and feel good about it!

Even thought she is a friend, she is not your responsibility. YOU need to put yourself first!

Re: Unrealistic expectations of help?

RoughDraft — Sun, 14 Oct 2018 02:21:14 GMT

I don't think you're being inconsiderate at all. She certainly can prepare to have food and other essentials stocked up before surgery. Many people I know have done just that.

Surgery on a rotator cuff does not disable her being able to walk or take an Uber or cab. I fixed a Thanksgiving dinner while on crutches after a fractured femur.

Re: Unrealistic expectations of help?

house_cat — Sun, 14 Oct 2018 02:21:30 GMT

@Snowpuppy

I don't understand, either. She takes exotic vacations all year long, just had new French doors put in her kitchen which cost her $15,000 and recently renovated both of her bathrooms. She spends money like it's going out of style, yet the idea of calling a car service seems unreasonable to her. Her daughter lives in San Francisco and her son in Colorado. Neither has offered to help.

Re: Unrealistic expectations of help?

house_cat — Sun, 14 Oct 2018 02:25:16 GMT

@Zhills

She's very computer savvy and perfectly capable of ordering groceries online. She simply doesn't want to. It's hard for me to understand since I'm the type of person who would likely die before asking for help.

Re: Unrealistic expectations of help?

Snowpuppy — Sun, 14 Oct 2018 02:29:20 GMT

@catwhisperer wrote:
I hear you. I have a "friend" who is wealthy, but uses people. She would rather have people volunteer to help her than pay for help. This person has used me many times. I was just trying to be kind until I woke up and realized I was just being used. Don't feel guilty for offering alternative suggestions to her.

^^^^^^^THIS

While I vewed her as a friend, she viewed me as hired help.

Re: Unrealistic expectations of help?

SXMGirl — Sun, 14 Oct 2018 02:27:41 GMT

@house_cat, your suggestions are spot on. Your friend cannot possibly think that you would be able to take care of her since you have your job and also take care of your family. Since your friend is financially secure, I would also suggest a house cleaner and a companion service.

Re: Unrealistic expectations of help?

house_cat — Sun, 14 Oct 2018 02:29:01 GMT

@SXMGirl

She already has a cleaning service.

Re: Unrealistic expectations of help?

Kachina624 — Sun, 14 Oct 2018 02:29:28 GMT

I'd say you offered some practical, realistic solutions to your friend's problem. For her to expect you to drop everything and ignore the needs of your hysband is very selfish of her. If she pushes for more help than you can give, you're going to just have to re-emphasize that your time and resources are limited. Don't let her lay a guilt trip on you.

Re: Unrealistic expectations of help?

software — Sun, 14 Oct 2018 02:29:33 GMT

"Expectations" are what ruins friendships, families & marriages.

Gonna make it all about me for a minute. I have had many surgeries of all kinds.

Before the surgery, I was always prepared for the worse. My necessities were moved to be easily accessible, loaded up with groceries, all clothes washed, house clean. Prescriptions filled, bills paid. Pets boarded.

Your friend still has one arm and 2 legs and she will be able to drive when she's not taking pain pills, at least locally. Sounds like a pity party to me.

She may need help with a bath or shower---maybe. She needs to be prepared for that as well. If she needs a lot of help, she can hire someone to see about her when you can't.

You have your hands full. Do what you can with a smile, don't let it bother you.

Seriously.

@house_cat

Re: Unrealistic expectations of help?

catwhisperer — Sun, 14 Oct 2018 02:32:31 GMT

I have been a full time 24/7 caregiver for my DH for two years now. No family or friends have offered any help. So you know what? Don't ever ask me for anything.

Re: Unrealistic expectations of help?

lovesrecess — Sun, 14 Oct 2018 02:46:30 GMT

She can even prepare her own meals and freeze them for when she is unable to cook after the surgery....you may want to remind her to pull out clothes from her closet or drawers that she can get on and off easily by herself..I think the help you have already offered is way above what many would do...you have nothing to feel bad about. She is lucky to have a friend like you.

Re: Unrealistic expectations of help?

Lindsays Grandma — Sun, 14 Oct 2018 02:51:39 GMT

house_cat...How about that? Not one negative remark and you were afraid someone would not be nice!!! You are one person with responsibilities of your own and there is only so much you can do for your friend. If what you can do isn't good enough for her, don't worry about it. If she doesn't like what little you can do and she reprimands you for it she is not a friend. Do what you can, please don't run ragged helping her with the possibility of you getting sick. Take care of yourself and your husband first, if there is time left for your friend so be it, no matter how little it is, you come first.

Re: Unrealistic expectations of help?

Warrior2022 — Sun, 14 Oct 2018 02:56:12 GMT

@catwhisperer wrote:
I have been a full time 24/7 caregiver for my DH for two years now. No family or friends have offered any help. So you know what? Don't ever ask me for anything.

I hear you! In my case it was my mother. I had absolutely no help from friends or siblings. Only them asking me for help! Oh and coming around to grab things after she passed.