topic Re: How would you handle this? in Among Friends

How would you handle this?

OhioAngel — Fri, 21 Sep 2018 11:41:44 GMT

I have a friend, not a really close one. She has many ongoing health issues and she talks about all this all the time. She gets upset and even mad when I and other friends dont visit.

But she will go on and on about every detail about her health issues and it sometimes can give me bad anxiety. Sometimes I will have the anxiety for hours after a visit. We try and change the subject but it doesnt help much since there is not alot to talk about since she doesnt get to get out very often.

She will even talk all about other peoples health and surgeries and on and on. I dont want her to be uspet but it is difficult to visit and go thru anxiety each time. Even her family rarely goes to see her. Any thoughts?

Re: How would you handle this?

qualitygal — Fri, 21 Sep 2018 11:33:34 GMT

You said it all, that's her life now and she's relating how she sees it. Take her visits in small doses, but maybe before long things will get better and you'll have helped her get through all of her anguishes. Small doses.

Re: How would you handle this?

Shanus — Fri, 21 Sep 2018 11:39:25 GMT

@OhioAngel wrote:
I have a friend, not a really close one. She has many ongoing health issues and she talks about all this all the time. She gets upset and even mad when I and other friends dont visit. But she will go on and on about every detail about her health issues and it sometimes can give me bad anxiety. Sometimes I will have the anxiety for hours after a visit. We try and change the subject but it doesnt help much since there is not alot to talk about since she doesnt get to get out very often. She will even talk all about other peoples health and surgeries and on and on. I dont want her to be uspet but it is difficult to visit and go thru anxiety each time. Any thoughts?

@OhioAngel This post is quite similar to another post here about dealing w/ hypochondriacs. Maybe find that OP’s thread and see some suggestions there.

Re: How would you handle this?

OhioAngel — Fri, 21 Sep 2018 11:39:56 GMT

Oh thank you Shanus, I will try and find!

Re: How would you handle this?

Group 5 minus 1 — Fri, 21 Sep 2018 11:40:05 GMT

Her needs are not being met.

Re: How would you handle this?

OhioAngel — Fri, 21 Sep 2018 11:41:05 GMT

Not sure what you mean hollysunshine.

Re: How would you handle this?

Wiscfan3 — Fri, 21 Sep 2018 11:44:32 GMT

I don't think you should visit her if it makes you that anxious. Maybe you could show your concern in other ways, such as sending cards, gift cards, running errands for her, or making meals.

She is having a rough time and needs people to listen to her, but not if they are uncomfortable and really don't want to be there. When you have many health issues and are in the process of treatments, etc. sometimes that is all you can focus on or talk about. Hopefully she has other friends or family who can be there to listen. I find that we all have times when we need our friends to listen to us and other times when we need to be the listener. That's what friends do.

Re: How would you handle this?

Sweetbay magnolia — Fri, 21 Sep 2018 12:02:43 GMT

If someone gets mad and upset at me for not visiting, and they are not a close friend, as you say, and it causes you to suffer anxiety when you do visit, I'd have to put some distance between me and them. Was this person like this at a healthier point?

I agree with sending cards. Maybe a phone call periodically?

Or, try to control the anxiety and continue to visit. Set your expectations that it will be what it is, and then walk away, knowing that you have done the right thing, if that is what motivates you to visit in the first place.

Re: How would you handle this?

NicksmomESQ — Fri, 21 Sep 2018 12:28:26 GMT

I’m at the stage in my life where I’m trying to dial down the stress.Life is too short & I don’t want to spend it on negativity.

I would try telling her that she shouldn’t dwell on the glass being half empty.But rather focus on the glass being half full.It’s unhealthy to always dwell on the negative.

If she continues to complain all the time I would see her less or not at all.

I’m not insensitive but I don’t think you should allow her to drag you down.Some people just like being miserable. Believe me, I know a couple of them.You matter too!! Your time is important.You can’t get back lost time. You only get so much of it.

Good luck @OhioAngel

Re: How would you handle this?

Effie54 — Fri, 21 Sep 2018 12:34:27 GMT

@Wiscfan3 wrote:
I don't think you should visit her if it makes you that anxious. Maybe you could show your concern in other ways, such as sending cards, gift cards, running errands for her, or making meals.

She is having a rough time and needs people to listen to her, but not if they are uncomfortable and really don't want to be there. When you have many health issues and are in the process of treatments, etc. sometimes that is all you can focus on or talk about. Hopefully she has other friends or family who can be there to listen. I find that we all have times when we need our friends to listen to us and other times when we need to be the listener. That's what friends do.

Nicely said!

Re: How would you handle this?

Ladylaughsalot — Fri, 21 Sep 2018 13:02:40 GMT

I realize that we all have problems, some much more serious than others, but when someone dwells only on the negative it is very unhealthy, both physically and mentally. I know a woman who has no physical disabilities, but she is the most negative woman I have ever known. She finds fault in everything. After knowing her, for over 25 years, I realized this is her personality, and she will never change. For my own sanity, I had to cut her completely out of my life. I haven’t seen or spoken to her in over five years. I can’t tell you how much my spirits have lifted since I let her go.

Re: How would you handle this?

kaydee50 — Fri, 21 Sep 2018 13:08:16 GMT

I would probably tell her very bluntly that if all you have to talk about is illness and surgeries, this will be a very short visit and take it from there.

Re: How would you handle this?

phoenixbrd — Fri, 21 Sep 2018 13:28:50 GMT

@OhioAngel Honesty is how I would handle the situation....If she is a good friend, I would gently firmly share your concerns. If the same pattern continues, I would not continue the friendship but continue to think good thoughts for her.

Re: How would you handle this?

OhioAngel — Fri, 21 Sep 2018 13:33:11 GMT

I do feel sorry for her in all she has to go through. I get anxious when I have to hear all about in detail health problems or about surgeries. Even if I hear about it on the tv I can get anxiety

It is not her personally, it is anyone that goes on and on that way. I dont ever watch medical shows or anything to do with surgery or health problems. I know reality is you can have them but I dont like the added anxiety if its unnecessary!.

Re: How would you handle this?

TX-starlight — Fri, 21 Sep 2018 13:38:12 GMT

@Ladylaughsalot WELL SAID!! I HAD a friend like this also. Key word- HAD. I have known this lady my entire life, she is always negative, never has anything good to say about anything. I recently had enough, flew off the handle & said some things I probably should not have, but decided to cut her out of my life also. I simply can't deal with the negativity. I'm having bit of rough time lately with several different issues & have decided to let anything go that doesn't make me happy. This lady was making me upset every time I had contact. You have to decide what's best for yourself, sooner or later. As much as it hurt to lose a friend, it was in my best interest.

Re: How would you handle this?

CrazyDaisy — Fri, 21 Sep 2018 13:44:13 GMT

How about taking her out to lunch, a local festival, etc. Give her something else to talk about.

Re: How would you handle this?

doxie1 — Fri, 21 Sep 2018 14:18:55 GMT

@OhioAngel

It is not healthy for anyone to be consumed with depressing issues. I feel for your friend because the issues are her life and what is in focus for her. I would be honest with her. I would maybe take her out to a restaurant or take a meal to her to enjoy without any talk of health issues. It would be strange for her at first but it may give her something positive to talk about. I told one of my friends that I was taking her on a mini vacation and took her a spread of finger food. I told her NO health talk. We had a nice picnic and found other things to talk about. I am not suggesting that you stay in a situation that is bad for you.

doxie

Re: How would you handle this?

mimomof4 — Fri, 21 Sep 2018 14:45:00 GMT

As you said she doesn't go out often so the health issues unfortunately are the only thing going on in her life. Sending a card to let her know you are thinking of her would probably do wonders for her. That would then be something she would talk about with others. Maybe take her out for something so she has something else to focus on for a little while.

I can completely understand not wanting to hear about someone else's health issues over and over. It would be too much for me too.

Re: How would you handle this?

FrostyBabe1 — Fri, 21 Sep 2018 14:52:44 GMT

My nosy, nosy neighbor is like this. She does have some significant health issues, but they only limit her because it is her choice to dwell on them. I finally told her "I understand you have health issues and it may be difficult for others to understand, but constantly living in 'oh dear, oh my' land doesn't help, nor does insisting on constantly speaking of those issues to the exclusion of other topics of conversation". Was it fairly blunt? Yes. It needed to be. I've tried subtle and it didn't work. She still watches (or tries to) my every move, but i'm rarely stuck talking to her.

Re: How would you handle this?

Deanie — Fri, 21 Sep 2018 15:00:23 GMT

This topic is timely. I was having my nails done yesterday, and, the lady next to me talked non stop about her illnesses. Loudly I might add. she talked about this surgery, that surgery, her recuperation period, what meds she was taking etc etc. Oh vey. I think we all get to the point in our lives that we have our own issues and are continuously bombarded with other people issues either by chance (such as mine) or by design, or even via social media and the constant drone of the news. Hurricanes, tornadoes. We are inundated with this stuff. No wonder we have anxiety. I prefer to think it is empathy fatigue.