topic Re: LEARNING FROM MOM HOW NOT TO AGE in Among Friends

LEARNING FROM MOM HOW NOT TO AGE

Shanus — Thu, 05 Jul 2018 13:41:39 GMT

I’ve been spending a lot of time w/ my almost 90 yr. old mother, especially the last 5 yrs. since Dad died. She’s never accepted that, stayed to herself and relies on me, my grown son & granddaughters for human contact.

After a fall (no physical injuries), she’s gotten more difficult to help. We had hired 24 hr. aides to help her out (she uses a walker & no longer drives), but after a few months, she has let them all go and is down to one aide only 3 hours in the morning.

Advised by her docs to watch her diet (diabetes & taking meds), her cabinets are stocked w/ cookies & candies and not much else. She’s been eating this way for awhile and has suffered health issues, but still not enough to make her see the light.

After she fell 6 months ago, the doctor recommended physical therapy to strengthen her legs so can use the walker more easily. Of course, she canceled all appts. after 2 sessions saying it made it sore.

She no longer “travels” (has a driver) the hour and half to visit me or my son w/ GD, but complains of loneliness which is putting each of us on the road to visit her several time a week.

I attended her last physical and the doc gave her the usual “warnings” about eating healthy, not sitting all day in front of the TV, but w/ the walker doing some walking on the premises, inside her bldg. if hot, but it fell on deaf ears.

She’s been incontinent (?) for many years and personal hygiene is very poor leading to UTIs and many bouts of MRSA which has kept us from visiting. Still nothing brings change.

I spoke to my son last nite (we were all together there for July 4th) & we just have no more answers, but I’ve learned what NOT to do as I age.

Isolation, no exercise, poor diet for so many years has taken a toll on her and made it difficult for us to help her. She has a sister who’s 18 months older. She’s taken care of herself, stayed thin and listened to her docs. Walks in the mall every day w/ her daughter, eats a balanced diet and is going w/ her family for a short beach trip...enjoying her grandchildren & great-grandchildren to the fullest in the time she has left.

I’m taking my cues from my aunt, not my mother.

Re: LEARNING FROM MOM HOW NOT TO AGE

conlt — Thu, 05 Jul 2018 13:59:21 GMT

I am sorry for you, I am struggling with pretty much the same thing with my mother. In fact, she fell Saturday AM and fractured her L4 vertebrae. She had a Kyphoplasty done and today is supposed to be discharged from the hospital to rehab. In about an hour I am touring a local assisted living facility. My mother is non compliant, even last night wanting to go home, trying to get out of bed on her own, but unable. She is angry now that her physical function has declined. My mother is 92 and she was always within the proper weight for her height, she ate little, did not eat butter and all of the things that we "are not supposed to eat". She was never a sweet eater. However she is old and being old is 1 of the biggest risk factors, as is diabetes, smoking, and obesity. My mom is old and diabetic.

Her sister, who is 19 months younger and also took very good care of herself, maintained the proper weight, no smoking, no drinking and no diabetes has severe dementia and is worse off than my mom. She went into the hospice program yesterday. Things are so sad for our entire family right now.

I think, yes try and stay within a reasonable weight, exercise, do not smoke, do not drink in excess. Try and keep the mind sharp will help but time marches on and being quite elderly really takes its toll.

Re: LEARNING FROM MOM HOW NOT TO AGE

Kardi — Thu, 05 Jul 2018 14:03:28 GMT

So sorry to hear about what you and your family are facing. My mom passed the beginning of March. She was 89, one month from 90. She was always active, still driving and socially active, but her body was failing her. After all, she had 90 years of wear and tear. Some of the things you are dealing with I saw also, the inability to keep clean and keep up with everyday things. I think it’s a combination of factors, depression, pain and lack of energy at that age. Don’t be too hard on her. I know it’s difficult. We do the best we can. I agree with learning by watching though. Although my mom was active, I noticed her becoming a bit petty and a little nasty toward certain people. I told myself I would learn from that how to age gracefully. I just hope when I get there, God willing, I can remember what not to do. Good luck to you and your family. Remember it doesn’t last long.

Re: LEARNING FROM MOM HOW NOT TO AGE

Shanus — Thu, 05 Jul 2018 14:03:36 GMT

@conlt wrote:
I am sorry for you, I am struggling with pretty much the same thing with my mother. In fact, she fell Saturday AM and fractured her L4 vertebrae. She had a Kyphoplasty done and today is supposed to be discharged from the hospital to rehab. In about an hour I am touring a local assisted living facility. My mother is non compliant, even last night wanting to go home, trying to get out of bed on her own, but unable. She is angry now that her physical function has declined. My mother is 92 and she was always within the proper weight for her height, she ate little, did not eat butter and all of the things that we "are not supposed to eat". She was never a sweet eater. However she is old and being old is 1 of the biggest risk factors, as is diabetes, smoking, and obesity. My mom is old and diabetic.
Her sister, who is 19 months younger and also took very good care of herself, maintained the proper weight, no smoking, no drinking and no diabetes has severe dementia and is worse off than my mom. She went into the hospice program yesterday. Things are so sad for our entire family right now.
I think, yes try and stay within a reasonable weight, exercise, do not smoke, do not drink in excess. Try and keep the mind sharp will help but time marches on and being quite elderly really takes its toll.

@conlt It’s sad watching them go downhill when a lot could be easier if they would co-operate. Wishing you luck w/ your Mom and aunt.

Re: LEARNING FROM MOM HOW NOT TO AGE

alliswell — Thu, 05 Jul 2018 14:04:31 GMT

As much as I can, I understand what you are going through. My mom passed on 2-years ago. She lived to the age of 99, and had a very similar mindset as your mom does. As you are now doing, I also learned from my mom "how not to age."

Re: LEARNING FROM MOM HOW NOT TO AGE

Shanus — Thu, 05 Jul 2018 14:26:45 GMT

@alliswell wrote:

As much as I can, I understand what you are going through. My mom passed on 2-years ago. She lived to the age of 99, and had a very similar mindset as your mom does. As you are now doing, I also learned from my mom "how not to age."

@alliswell Very difficult to helplessly watch the decline, right?

Re: LEARNING FROM MOM HOW NOT TO AGE

violet runner — Thu, 05 Jul 2018 14:32:48 GMT

I can relate as well. My mother is 89 and the same things you describe is her. Sometimes it is environment that plays a role and other times it's Mother Nature having her way. Even though she and your aunt are from the same blood, bodies are different and the end game is different for each of us no matter what we do. I too thought my Mom could do better for herself.. move more, eat healthy, not be so isolated... etc. but at my last visit ( I live far away) I think I am ok with they way things are going for her. I was going to swoop in and try and change things, but after a week with her, I decided to let things stay as they are.. Might be too late anyway.

That being said, yes, I have learned some value lessons seeing her decline. For me, my mantras are: keep moving, eat whole foods, and socialize as much as I feel like.

Thanks for sharing your story..

Re: LEARNING FROM MOM HOW NOT TO AGE

software — Thu, 05 Jul 2018 14:33:35 GMT

I've done all the right things but I have so many diagnoses, it just doesn't seem to matter, why bother? I'm going to die eventually and it's not going to be pretty.

However when I think back over my life, I know that I probably extended my life long enough to see my kids grow up, grandkids and maybe some day, great grand kids.

The elderly are very prone to clinical depression. Our brains age at the same pace as all our other parts and we never know exactly how that aging is manifested.

If your mom has chosen this life for herself. it's not right for her to make you be her only human contact. It's also a promise I've made to myself. If I'm every lonely or feeling isolated, I swear I am not going to make my kids or grandkids my only human relationship. In my opinion, it's not normal behavior for a parent and it's sure not fair to the kids.

If your aunt is relatively healthy, no diabetes or other serious diagnosis, it's not fair to compare.

Re: LEARNING FROM MOM HOW NOT TO AGE

Shanus — Thu, 05 Jul 2018 14:43:35 GMT

@violet runner wrote:
I can relate as well. My mother is 89 and the same things you describe is her. Sometimes it is environment that plays a role and other times it's Mother Nature having her way. Even though she and your aunt are from the same blood, bodies are different and the end game is different for each of us no matter what we do. I too thought my Mom could do better for herself.. move more, eat healthy, not be so isolated... etc. but at my last visit ( I live far away) I think I am ok with they way things are going for her. I was going to swoop in and try and change things, but after a week with her, I decided to let things stay as they are.. Might be too late anyway.
That being said, yes, I have learned some value lessons seeing her decline. For me, my mantras are: keep moving, eat whole foods, and socialize as much as I feel like.

Thanks for sharing your story..

@violet runner Not sure we’ve “met”, but thanks for sharing your story, too.

Re: LEARNING FROM MOM HOW NOT TO AGE

millieshops — Thu, 05 Jul 2018 14:45:58 GMT

@ShanusWhat you and the rest of your family are doing is both heart breaking and heart warming.

As I move along to old age (some would say I'm already there), I also try to take my cues from my elders whose lives still look good to me, but I also recognize there are some things that happen to us no matter what choices we make. These may be emotional \or physical or mental changes, and no amount of family intervention or assistance makes the difference we'd like to see.

I speak from long personal experience as I see my fourth family member sink into memory loss, and over the 40+ years since the first, we've seen very little in the way of advances in this area even as lots of medical advances extend our life spans.

Yes, the process can be frustrating and even scary, but the struggle is worthwhile. I've taken that cue from my mother, who, when my father died young, I still can hear saying an hour after we got the news "We will survive." We did - we survived and thrived.

So, Shanus, push on. You and mom are both doing the best you can even on the days you want to scream.

Re: LEARNING FROM MOM HOW NOT TO AGE

Shanus — Thu, 05 Jul 2018 14:50:43 GMT

@millieshops wrote:
@ShanusWhat you and the rest of your family are doing is both heart breaking and heart warming.

As I move along to old age (some would say I'm already there), I also try to take my cues from my elders whose lives still look good to me, but I also recognize there are some things that happen to us no matter what choices we make. These may be emotional \or physical or mental changes, and no amount of family intervention or assistance makes the difference we'd like to see.

I speak from long personal experience as I see my fourth family member sink into memory loss, and over the 40+ years since the first, we've seen very little in the way of advances in this area even as lots of medical advances extend our life spans.

Yes, the process can be frustrating and even scary, but the struggle is worthwhile. I've taken that cue from my mother, who, when my father died young, I still can hear saying an hour after we got the news "We will survive." We did - we survived and thrived.

So, Shanus, push on. You and mom are both doing the best you can even on the days you want to scream.

Thanks for the encouragement @millieshops. Well said.

Re: LEARNING FROM MOM HOW NOT TO AGE

Sooner — Thu, 05 Jul 2018 14:50:53 GMT

@violet runner wrote:
I can relate as well. My mother is 89 and the same things you describe is her. Sometimes it is environment that plays a role and other times it's Mother Nature having her way. Even though she and your aunt are from the same blood, bodies are different and the end game is different for each of us no matter what we do. I too thought my Mom could do better for herself.. move more, eat healthy, not be so isolated... etc. but at my last visit ( I live far away) I think I am ok with they way things are going for her. I was going to swoop in and try and change things, but after a week with her, I decided to let things stay as they are.. Might be too late anyway.
That being said, yes, I have learned some value lessons seeing her decline. For me, my mantras are: keep moving, eat whole foods, and socialize as much as I feel like.

Thanks for sharing your story..

@violet runner @Shanus All of the stories here could have been written by me. I have been through that. My mother was near death from isolation, hardheadness, refusal to do anything but smoke and eat lean cuisine and sit in her chair in her housecoat. Wouldn't go see people, wouldn't call us, wouldn't do ANYTHING but had some hangers on in her town who soaked her for money to do things, acted like they were family, took her to the emergency room and hospital and wouldn't tell us for days if ever. . . you get the drift.

She lives a long way from us. These people were killing her allowing her to live this way getting her groceries and helping her lie to us about her condition. They had "recommended" a housekeeper who came by, mother fixed food for her and they watched tv together. She was really in mother's pockets and had access to everything. She once accused me of "being jealous of" the HOUSEKEEPER when I questioned some of what was going on. But what can you do? Not a darned thing.

TO make a long story short, she finally got afraid to stay there because of some things she thought were going on (I'm not sure if it was real or not) and DECIDED to go to a nursing home (5 years ago) rather than assisted living which she said she couldn't do. She perked up there within a week (5 years ago!) and now may be healthier than me although her dementia progresses. She is 97.

People say "why didn't you make her" and I'm like and how am I going to do that please tell me? She would die before she'd listen to ME (I am her child and therefore not as smart as she is and have no right to tell her what to do). You can't get someone assessed incompetent if they don't SEEM to be and can make a good argument for themselves.

So yes, I share your pain and while some people may not understand or accept this, you can't always do something about a parent until it is too late to help much. It is terrible and the guilt is terrible and the anger at this even happening is the worst of all because it leads back to the guilt and the helplessness you feel. And sometimes the anger over the loss of life, yours and hers, that should never have happened this way.

Re: LEARNING FROM MOM HOW NOT TO AGE

dex — Thu, 05 Jul 2018 14:51:09 GMT

Sad as it is there is really nothing that can be done to keep the body from decline in the later years.All of the healthy living won’t stop our bodies and minds from just wearing out.I think that after awhile some choose to just give up the long endless fight against illness and pain and loneliness.It is so hard to watch people we love lose their abilities and strengths.At times I feel angry with my mom for not following her doctors orders but I wonder if it is just my own selfish dreams for her to be who she was so that I can feel better and worry less.I have decided to accept her choices as to how she lives out her remaining time even if I don’t think they are the best as long as she is safe....so very sad.

Re: LEARNING FROM MOM HOW NOT TO AGE

chrystaltree — Thu, 05 Jul 2018 14:54:04 GMT

For the life of me, I can't figure out why everyone is putting such pressure on 90 year old woman. It's like making her last days as miserable as they can. Eating right ??? seriously??? She isn't going to live forever and "eating right" isn't going to do anything for her now. Tastes buds weaken as we grow older so it's possible that is why she likes sweets and snacks. She can taste them. She obviously doesn't do her own shopping so whoever does should have some compassion and common sense and buy the foods that give her pleasure....and that she'll eat. Your mother has multiple issues but as you said, she's 90. Some people in that age group do sort of "retire" or "withdraw" from life. It's very common. They do sit in front of the tv, stare out of a window for hours. If she can be coaxed to go out with someone and take daily walk, that would be good for her but it she doesn't want to. Leave her alone. Let her watch her tv programs. I know it's hard for you because she's your mother but she's at the end of her life. So, leave her alone and just attend to safety and hygiene issues.

Having said that, you should indeed use your aunt as your role model. The people who age well and stay connected and truly "live" their lives deep into their 90's and now into their 100's are the people who stayed mentally and physically active all their lives. They never "morphed" into sedentary elderly people, they just kept being their selves and living their lives. Yes, I think when you speak to those people they tell you they ate well, more of a balanced diet than anything extreme. All things in moderation. Many of the health issues that older people struggle with are lifestyle issues that could have been avoided or treated....they just didn't because in the 60's and 70's those things are manageable. And then in their 80's and 90's, they pay the price.

Re: LEARNING FROM MOM HOW NOT TO AGE

Shanus — Thu, 05 Jul 2018 15:07:27 GMT

@Sooner. You hit the nail on the head. There’s a lot of frustration and guilt. She’s in her own apartment in a gated community for folks who may need “further care”. There is assisted living accommodations on premises as well as a health center and a gym, physical therapy building, all meals included in her cost of purchasing her apartment. She refuses to attend meals...healthy ones prepared by competent chefs who know what to put on the menus. She’d rather have her box of Mac n Cheese & sit w/ the remote.

I’m trying so hard to give up the guilt and stop traveling there 3 or 4 times a week. It’s not helping her & wearing me out. It takes time away from my dh and the rest of my family who moved close to us a year ago. My granddaughters are within spitting distance & I’m on the road all the time. DH has threatened to take my keys (lol) to help out & keep me from going out of guilt.

Doing my best. I’ll be in Seattle w/ DD & SIL in a few weeks for a very long visit. Then DH & I have a 49th anniversary trip planned the 2nd week of August. I’m hoping nothing “happens” that cancels our plans.

Re: LEARNING FROM MOM HOW NOT TO AGE

phoenixbrd — Thu, 05 Jul 2018 15:13:32 GMT

@Shanus Unfortunately, we can't help others from their own devices. I couldn't keep my mother from her demise. That is really hard to accept, but the best we can do is not repeat the devastation. You are doing the very best you can, learning from the lessons in order to create a positive change in your life. My heart goes out to you.

Re: LEARNING FROM MOM HOW NOT TO AGE

Shanus — Thu, 05 Jul 2018 15:14:34 GMT

@phoenixbrd wrote:
@Shanus Unfortunately, we can't help others from their own devices. I couldn't keep my mother from her demise. That is really hard to accept, but the best we can do is not repeat the devastation. You are doing the very best you can, learning from the lessons in order to create a positive change in your life. My heart goes out to you.

@phoenixbrd 💕

Re: LEARNING FROM MOM HOW NOT TO AGE

dex — Thu, 05 Jul 2018 15:20:38 GMT

@ShanusJust go and enjoy your visit to Seattle without guilt.You deserve some time away.Life is short and we need to appreciate that gift.Nothing you can do will change the path that your mom is on no matter how much you wish it.

Re: LEARNING FROM MOM HOW NOT TO AGE

Shanus — Thu, 05 Jul 2018 15:21:31 GMT

@dex. Good advice. 🌺

Re: LEARNING FROM MOM HOW NOT TO AGE

Puppy Lips — Thu, 05 Jul 2018 16:00:35 GMT

I am sorry you are going through this. I have to say though that I can see myself being like this at 90 years old. She has to be depressed. It would be hard not to be. Her husband is gone, she feels like cr*p, and she is lonely. Of course she has control over her health and social life. But when you are depressed, it is difficult to make the effort to change anything.

You are doing your best to care for her and you have nothing to feel bad about. Enjoy the time you do have with her and leave it at that.

Thank you for telling us about your Aunt. My Aunt is like that too, and I need to pay more attention to what she does to stay so healthy and active. Thank you for sharing your experience.