topic Re: I'm concerned... in Among Friends

I'm concerned...

FuzzyFace — Tue, 12 Jun 2018 04:39:08 GMT

...and I'm not quite sure what to do.

What I'm concerned about is that Fathers Day is just 6 days away and so far ourson--grown, married, and a father himself--hasn't said a word to his own father about it. Not a word. And I know, from unhappy experience, this means he hasn't thought about it, considered it, etc.

First of all, I don't know whether I should say something at all right now; it possible that it's just slipped his mind. Should I remind him? That's not really my job but ****** it, my husband has been the best father in the world to him, plus DH has been through a lot, medically and emotionally, lately--no need to give details; I think you get the idea.

I don't want to remind him but dammit my first concern is my husband. I would be furious at our son if he just plain forgets so I'm inclined to remind him despite my reluctance to remind him. (And if anfyone's going to remind him, it should be his wife, not his mother.)

If he DOES "forget" or neglects his father in any way, I would probably give him the ass-chewing of his life. Normally I would try not to interfere or get too het up, but I feel too strongly about this for just a mild chiding. DH has been a free babysitter, has changed his schedule completely to accomodate son not just for babysitting but for other things too.

In addition to that, he's had two sick/injured women on his hands (myself and my sister) to take care of for the last year, when sis got cancer and I was diagnosed with hepatitis. In addition I'm taking medication that makes me unsafe to drive. etc etc. so he has to run the both of us to medical appointments and starting next week, for physical therapy on the knee I nearly broke at the end of April. He'd do this for our son and/or daughter-in-law and especially our granddaughter. He hasn't been asked to do this--yet--but they know he'd drop everything for them if they needed it.

And what really riles me up is that I feel that there's some ingratitude going on. It's not blatant but I do feel they could offer to come over and visit when I'm not doing well--that kind of thing.

So, what would you do? My main concern is my husband. After all he's done for them, I would think he (my son) would call him once in a while, or drop by, etc. I really don't care if giving my son a rude awakening upsets him--what I don't want is for my husband to fell forgotten, angry, upset, etc.

Re: I'm concerned...

persiflage — Tue, 12 Jun 2018 04:46:42 GMT

Say something so that you can help your son be the best son ever, a great gift from you to two fathers. Sometimes we have to be the ones that make someone else perform well. Hope things get better for you soon! Sounds like you have a great husband.

Re: I'm concerned...

cbrite — Tue, 12 Jun 2018 05:35:00 GMT

Re: I'm concerned...

FuzzyFace — Tue, 12 Jun 2018 05:04:42 GMT

@persiflage wrote:
Say something so that you can help your son be the best son ever, a great gift from you to two fathers. Sometimes we have to be the ones that make someone else perform well. Hope things get better for you soon! Sounds like you have a great husband.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

persiflage, what a lovely post! I never thought of it from that angle. And I do have what is probably in the top ten of all-time best husbands!

Re: I'm concerned...

BeccaLou — Tue, 12 Jun 2018 05:23:52 GMT

Being a parent of children of any age can be heart breaking, I am in and out of pain of being a Mother. I was also a really hands on Mother but I have make an appointment to even get to talk to them, It hurts terribly, you are not alone. When you get adults kids let me know. Happy Fathers Day from Me.

Re: I'm concerned...

BeccaLou — Tue, 12 Jun 2018 05:25:01 GMT

I pray that was the last time all of you forgot !!

Re: I'm concerned...

speedy girl — Tue, 12 Jun 2018 05:31:17 GMT

Why not contact him and ask if you all could do something special that day? Celebrate both of the Fathers and make it a day for both of them.

Re: I'm concerned...

hckynut — Tue, 12 Jun 2018 06:49:58 GMT

@FuzzyFace

I had no father, but my mother managed to raise myself and my 3 older sisters without any help from anyone. She died in 1969. 1969 said: I am not a believer in any 1 particular day, used to recognize a parent or a spouse.

My belief is how one treats those special people in their lives, the other 364 days of the year. Recognizing 1 special day only, for the most important people in one's life, certainly tells me all I need to know about that person, and it is not a positive thing.

hckynut(john)

Re: I'm concerned...

haddon9 — Tue, 12 Jun 2018 07:04:12 GMT

What would I do & what have I done in the past is to say something..."So what do you plan on doing for dad for Father's day? Would you like to take him out, come here for a cook out or should we come to your house?"

Re: I'm concerned...

Nonametoday — Tue, 12 Jun 2018 07:06:08 GMT

My sons have not mentioned Father's Day to their dad nor will they until, probably Saturday or Sunday. I have never reminded them. Sometimes they come, sometimes they don't. Sometimes they send gifts, other times they dont, but they always call, even when in college, so it has to be your son's decision. You cannot manage his life after he is married or you may become an adversary of either him or his wife, or both.

Re: I'm concerned...

BirkiLady — Tue, 12 Jun 2018 07:20:45 GMT

@hckynut Your posts touch my heart and soul, John. Sincere condolences on the loss of such an amazing women at what must have been a relatively young age. You are such an amazing teacher through your written words. Thanks for sharing your wisdom.

Re: I'm concerned...

RealtyGal2 — Tue, 12 Jun 2018 07:25:37 GMT

@FuzzyFace wrote:
...and I'm not quite sure what to do.

What I'm concerned about is that Fathers Day is just 6 days away and so far ourson--grown, married, and a father himself--hasn't said a word to his own father about it. Not a word. And I know, from unhappy experience, this means he hasn't thought about it, considered it, etc.

First of all, I don't know whether I should say something at all right now; it possible that it's just slipped his mind. Should I remind him? That's not really my job but ****** it, my husband has been the best father in the world to him, plus DH has been through a lot, medically and emotionally, lately--no need to give details; I think you get the idea.

I don't want to remind him but dammit my first concern is my husband. I would be furious at our son if he just plain forgets so I'm inclined to remind him despite my reluctance to remind him. (And if anfyone's going to remind him, it should be his wife, not his mother.)

If he DOES "forget" or neglects his father in any way, I would probably give him the ass-chewing of his life. Normally I would try not to interfere or get too het up, but I feel too strongly about this for just a mild chiding. DH has been a free babysitter, has changed his schedule completely to accomodate son not just for babysitting but for other things too.

In addition to that, he's had two sick/injured women on his hands (myself and my sister) to take care of for the last year, when sis got cancer and I was diagnosed with hepatitis. In addition I'm taking medication that makes me unsafe to drive. etc etc. so he has to run the both of us to medical appointments and starting next week, for physical therapy on the knee I nearly broke at the end of April. He'd do this for our son and/or daughter-in-law and especially our granddaughter. He hasn't been asked to do this--yet--but they know he'd drop everything for them if they needed it.

And what really riles me up is that I feel that there's some ingratitude going on. It's not blatant but I do feel they could offer to come over and visit when I'm not doing well--that kind of thing.

So, what would you do? My main concern is my husband. After all he's done for them, I would think he (my son) would call him once in a while, or drop by, etc. I really don't care if giving my son a rude awakening upsets him--what I don't want is for my husband to fell forgotten, angry, upset, etc.

I know exactly how you feel. I am furious at my younger brother because he never calls or inquires after my 95 year old mother unless he needs money. Then, after he has the money he is not as grateful as he should be and disappears again. On Mother's Day they (he, wife, 3 kids) dropped by flowers from the grocery store and left them on the front patio without even a card. They brought the flowers at a time that they knew we (me, my mother, and my other brother)would be at brunch so they wouldn't have to spend time with us.You can't make someone be appreciative if they just aren't. Instead of stressing, I would just list all the nice things his father has done and let him know that he better put on a big showing of Father's Day appreciation.

Re: I'm concerned...

Ifeelwicked — Tue, 12 Jun 2018 07:47:45 GMT

Absolutely say something. You are the parents, they are, no matter their age, the kids. And it seems nowadays some adult kids seem too busy to actually go out of their way. (For parents only. For their friends they are available at a moments notice! 😊) You sound like a very caring person with an amazing husband who he deserves to be honored, especially on Father’s Day. “Phoning it in” won’t work here. (Same goes for Mother’s Day.) Speak directly to your son, no texting or leaving a message. Something along the lines of, “Hey, I took note of a couple things I know dad would like for Father’s Day in case you needed any ideas. And I found a dessert I know you both will love.” That way he knows he will be celebrated as well. However you decide to handle this I sincerely hope you all enjoy a wonderful day. 🎉

Re: I'm concerned...

ptagirl — Tue, 12 Jun 2018 10:44:06 GMT

@BeccaLou wrote:
Being a parent of children of any age can be heart breaking, I am in and out of pain of being a Mother. I was also a really hands on Mother but I have make an appointment to even get to talk to them, It hurts terribly, you are not alone. When you get adults kids let me know. Happy Fathers Day from Me.

I know exactly what you mean about the up/down relationship with older children. I have a grown daughter in her middle 40's...It had been many years of making an appointment to talk to her,.which wasn't always pleasant...then we finally came to an understanding, we have no relationship (what she wants) and now no communication whatsoever...

It has been 7 months since I've seen/talked to her.....this last blow-up was about her not recognizing her father on father's day...I said something about it and she literally blew up...none of my business!.....

Believe me, I've cried til there is nothing left....does no good...have to accept the situation and maybe someday she will see the hurt she has caused..but I'm not holding my breath....

Just saying, If you say something, please be careful, as you may lose the relationship you do have with your son....

Believe me, I have learned the hard way and nothing I say will ever fix the problem...yes we are their parents, but they have their own lives to live and if they decide to disown you, there's nothing that will change their minds....

Just from my experience...

I hope your hubbie has a great father's day!

Re: I'm concerned...

qualitygal — Tue, 12 Jun 2018 10:51:29 GMT

Just my point of view: I don't invest that heavily in those days. My son may be late, but he remembers and I never scold him if he forgets. He honors us all the other days of the year. We all can talk, and laugh and he's out right now, fishing with his dad. These are the days that mean the most. They are creating memories. Those are valuable.

Maybe give your son the benefit of the doubt. Give him more days to show. It's a day written on a calendar, and all the other 264 days matter too. Create good memories.

You can just make it a wonderful day for your sweetie.

Again, JMHO

Re: I'm concerned...

AuntG — Tue, 12 Jun 2018 10:52:16 GMT

Boy, you sure are worked up about this. Your son is a father too. How about a simple question, "Do you have Father's Day plans?" At least you'll be sure he knows when it is.

Re: I'm concerned...

CalminHeart — Tue, 12 Jun 2018 10:59:07 GMT

Nothing hurts more than to have a grown child forget a birthday or holiday. I know. I would not remind my child ahead of time. That would result in the grown child calling because of duty.

I know you love your son and husband. Your concern is because of that love. But it is not your place to intervene. Others will disagree and that's ok. We don't know you personally so can only offer input based on our own experiences. You have to make the decision.

Hopefully, your son will call his dad on Father's Day. If he is in town, he might even stop by. I pray this happens.

Re: I'm concerned...

sligo — Tue, 12 Jun 2018 11:07:34 GMT

@hckynut, YOU are the best EVERYDAY!!!!!

Re: I'm concerned...

Imaoldhippie — Tue, 12 Jun 2018 11:17:17 GMT

Wow, you have some anger issues with your son and it sounds as though its more than just this fathers day.

Normally I would say butt out. But your son being a father himself has not likely forgotten fathers day. So to help quell your anger just a friendly call to ask if they have made any plans might set your mind at ease. Also, just because son has not mentioned anything does not mean he has forgotten and does not appreciate everything dad has done for him.

Re: I'm concerned...

sandy53 — Tue, 12 Jun 2018 11:37:40 GMT

In the time it took you to write your post you could have called or texted your son and asked about plans for Father's Day. Yes, it is enabling, but he's a man and we know they often need our help to remember things like this. It is what it is. A simple, "Want to do brunch for Father's Day?" should an easy way to prod him.