topic Re: What do you think? in Among Friends

What do you think?

My3Girls — Sat, 09 Jun 2018 02:15:03 GMT

My dear friend H lost her soul mate G last October. She and he were together for almost 7 years, living together for 6 of those years and wonderfully happy. He was rushed to the hospital in August due to respiratory issues and after a few days he was diagnosed with leukemia and given a 50% chance. He had to be put on a respirator and had an infection so a few weeks passed before he could even address the leukemia. During that time he was on the respirator on and off. When he was off, he was weak but lucid. She applied for FMLA and found she could not get it unless she was his spouse. They declared to be common law married on Aug 28th and shared the "we're married" news with a few people who visited him that day at the hospital. His breathing continued to suffer so he was put back on the respirator within a day or so after. She never left his side. She slept at the hospital and lost almost 20 pounds. She was his advocate with the nurses and doctors and his ardent supporter, caring for his every need. His family (his parents are deceased and he has only one sister) including aunts, uncles and cousins visited from a town several hours away but could not stay at the hospital for very long, entrusting my friend to care for him. Tragically, he passed in early October. His progress had been looking good for September but then started to shut down suddenly. Family and friends were called advising to come for their last goodbyes. No family was there unfortunately when he passed, just a few friends who lived in the same city, including myself. They missed their goodbyes by a few hours. My friend was devastated. Being his "wife" she tried to figure out the next steps. Since he was only in his 40s and this was so sudden, there was nothing palanned. His best friend since high school offered up his own plot that he had purchased many years ago, so with relief to have a plan they felt that G would be happy with, they set up a time with the funeral home to finalize the plan with the home and family members. From the start, family members questioned her "wife" status. "When did you get married?" "I don't understand." "Texas doesn't recognize common law marriage." (It does, BTW). The push-back was only slight at the funeral home which was good, but you could tell they did not agree with her marital status nor the decisoins being made. My friend H however was acting as a wife and making plans to bury her husband in a plot that she could also be buried in when the time comes. His wake and funeral were packed. 100s of people showed up, showing how much he had touched so many people, particuarly his friends. His family did not stay long, I suspect feeling excluded. H continued on as a widow, paying his medical bills, closing his accounts, settling his debts, etc. Until December when the sister contested her marriage and this past May it was ruled not a common law marriage since they didn't live together once they declared themselves. They would have had he lived, as well as make it official, again had he lived. Now the sister is deemed next of kin and H doesn't even know if she will get any money back she paid for his medical bills, etc. In addition, the sister wants his personal belongings, providing a list of things from the sentimental (photo album) to the expected (TV) to the ridiculous (his cologne). What do you think? The sister says there was no marriage, she doesn't believe that her brother agreed to any marriage and thus she is next of kin and basically treats H as if she was just his roommate. My friend is suffering even more because at least she could say she was his wife and he her husband, but now the marriage has been taken away from her. There is a bit of money (about $30k) but after taxes and debts there will be maybe $10k left. This has caused so much pain for H and I'm trying to understand the family's POV, but I'm having a hard time.

Re: What do you think?

KitTkat — Sat, 09 Jun 2018 02:23:02 GMT

sounds like the sister is thinking more about herself than anyone else. Sad.

The best thing you can do for your friend is be her friend. She needs love and support right now, and sadly she's not going to get it from that family.

Re: What do you think?

Kachina624 — Sat, 09 Jun 2018 02:31:29 GMT

This is a good example of why couples who have a long-term relationship should make it legal with marriage. The principals have absolutely no legal status and are not considered "married" unless they have lived together and presented themselves as husband and wife. This obviously cannot be done overnight in the case of a medical emergency.

At this point, your friend probably needs to see an attorney to ascertain exactly where she stands and what can be salvaged. There's so little at stake that it might not be worth fighting the sister. Its a very sad situation but when it comes to $$$, it's amazing what greed will cause a person to do.

Our board members who might be in a similar relationship, should take note.

Re: What do you think?

Scooby Doo — Sat, 09 Jun 2018 02:36:41 GMT

She needs a lawyer, which will probably eat up that $10,000 that might be left over. And if she wants to be buried next to him, she needs to make sure that her name is on the two plots showing ownership. I don't understand why they didn't get legally married. I know that someone would have come to the hospital bedside to do that. I certainly can sympathize with her, but there's some sticky legal stuff here. You have to learn to protect yourself, especially in this type of situation.

Re: What do you think?

NicksmomESQ — Sat, 09 Jun 2018 02:42:14 GMT

Very sad situation .My heart goes out to your friend.The bottom line is she knows the truth.No one can take it away from her.His sister is selfish & greedy.She may win legally but she has already lost the moral battle!!

Give your friend the strength to hold her head up high.She was his wife & soulmate in every way that counts,period!!

Re: What do you think?

RedTop — Sat, 09 Jun 2018 02:45:35 GMT

I think it’s a very sad situation, and feel for your friend, but think the couple should have done more as far as declaring their “marriage”. Since their sole purpose was meant to gain FMLA benefits for her and give her the ability to act on his behalf, they should have recognized that involved something else besides just saying “we’re married”, and telling a few people.

They should have sought help thru hospital social workers to have insured a different ending to this situation. Every adult with any assets; car, home, money in the bank, work benefits, etc., should have some type of a plan, period. I have daughters in their late 30’s who have had a will, power of attorney, and living will in place for over 15 years, simply because it’s the responsible thing to do.

Re: What do you think?

My3Girls — Sat, 09 Jun 2018 03:00:59 GMT

These are viable points and hindsight is 20/20. The main issue is that nobody thought he would die. We all thought there would be time. By the time we started to question that, it was too late. The other issue was that his respiratory was under duress so he was put on the respirator for so long which puts him under, that the "window" of lucidity started to be fewer and far between. The declaration was a happy day for them and yes more should have been done but at the time, it wasn't so obvious. Lesson learned is to yes, take action legally when you have the time and don't wait. But this would all be for naught if the sister had not contested. Before the courtdate, H's lawyer reached out for a settlement, but the sister wanted it all. She's hurting ad I feel for her but I wish she knew how much pain she is inflicting.

Re: What do you think?

GCR18 — Sat, 09 Jun 2018 03:01:33 GMT

I'd let the family have his stuff. It's probably best to see a lawyer, so there are no further issues in the future.

Re: What do you think?

jbinrwc — Sat, 09 Jun 2018 03:06:58 GMT

Just want to say that I am so, so sorry that your friend is going through this stressful time after losing her love. I feel so bad for her. She spent years with this man. It is horrible that his family is not recognizing their relationship.

Families can do ugly things in this situation. My mother went through this when her Mom died. My uncle was executor of her will. He did not invite my mother to the reading of the will. He and his family went through the house and took everything that they wanted without involving my Mom. She lost many things that were important to her and got next to nothing from the house. My Mom and Dad had been very generous with her brother and his family over many years. Their greed was appalling and heartbreaking.

Re: What do you think?

nana59 — Sat, 09 Jun 2018 03:15:03 GMT

why did H apply for fmla....not familiar with it..did he have a good relationship with his sister? if so, i think she's entitled to something...especially if the marriage isn't recognized as common law....

Re: What do you think?

My3Girls — Sat, 09 Jun 2018 03:20:35 GMT

Thank you all for your condolences. There are a ton of woulda-coulda-shoulda's but to ponder them will only drive one crazy. H was never interested in the $$, but wanted so much to have the "declaration" recognized. There were some lies about the declaration from the sister and an aunt (who only visited after G had passed) at the hearing basically asserting as some have said in this thread that the declaration wasn't legit since it was done due to the FMLA need. But it was a real declaration filled with real joy for H and G that day, to which his best friend and his wife told the judge that they were told by G himself but the aunt/sister were believed more than the best friend. More would have been done after the declaration had G not have to be put back on the respirator. And H was just waiting for his lungs to get stronger so he would be awake but that never did happen. Love your loved ones and tell them often. And have compassion for those suffering. I feel horrible for the sister, as she has no parents and no brother. I cannot imagine what that feels like. So I hope she her sadness heals for herself and maybe it would help our my friend as well.

Re: What do you think?

My3Girls — Sat, 09 Jun 2018 03:24:57 GMT

The FMLA was needed so H could take off from work without fear of losing her job, especially since the chemo for the leukemia was expected to take at least 6 months to go through and G would have needed someone to care for him. Again, the sister never volunteered to do that, nor did any of his other family members. The relationship with the sister was not very good...she was a recovering addict with bipolar tendacies. H is trying to find compassion for the sister but the disrespect is so hard to ignore.

Re: What do you think?

Beth-QVC — Sat, 09 Jun 2018 03:26:02 GMT

This post has been removed by QVC because it is off topic

Re: What do you think?

My3Girls — Sat, 09 Jun 2018 03:30:47 GMT

She is seeing if there is anything to be done to appeal the judge's ruling, again not for the $$ but to have the marriage recognized. Regardless, she is legally changing her last name to his and her friends and family recognize him as her husband. She is coming to terms that legally there may not be anything she can do and she may not get any $$ back to pay for the medical bills she already paid. Now the latest drama is that the sister wants permission from G's high school best friend who owns the plot to place a headstone and threatens to even move him if she doesn't get permission. The best friend is extending his hand for a compromise to try to ensure that H gets some input. The plot G has is supposed to be for 2, and so they want a headstone that shows that. Example: "The Millers" with his name and dates and a space for hers in the future.

Re: What do you think?

butterfly123 — Sat, 09 Jun 2018 03:40:16 GMT

@My3Girls

The sister spent very little time with her brother. Your friend was his advocate and made the best possible decisions.

Since the sister wants the money and stuff, she should repay your friend for all medical expenses and any other bills.

An attorney usually offers a free consultation. Would you be able to help your friend note everything you have written in your post and help her get copies of all the documentation?

The sister sounds like a greedy bully and unfortunately I have had similar family problems.

Your friend’s love and care for her partner/spouse is priceless and irreplaceable.

Others have posted valuable information.

I wish the best for you and your friend.

Re: What do you think?

Scooby Doo — Sat, 09 Jun 2018 04:28:46 GMT

@My3Girls wrote:
The FMLA was needed so H could take off from work without fear of losing her job, especially since the chemo for the leukemia was expected to take at least 6 months to go through and G would have needed someone to care for him. Again, the sister never volunteered to do that, nor did any of his other family members. The relationship with the sister was not very good...she was a recovering addict with bipolar tendacies. H is trying to find compassion for the sister but the disrespect is so hard to ignore.

I wouldn't try and find compassion for the sister. She doesn't deserve it at this point. Too bad that H paid the medical bills. She wasn't obligated to do that legally. The bills would have been written off or a lien placed on his property. Then the sister inherits the property and the bills since she is his only surviving family member. If she really wanted to pay them, she could have negotiated for a lower amount. She's volunteering too much of herself.

Re: What do you think?

NYC Susan — Sat, 09 Jun 2018 05:24:12 GMT

@RedTop wrote:
I think it’s a very sad situation, and feel for your friend, but think the couple should have done more as far as declaring their “marriage”. Since their sole purpose was meant to gain FMLA benefits for her and give her the ability to act on his behalf, they should have recognized that involved something else besides just saying “we’re married”, and telling a few people.

They should have sought help thru hospital social workers to have insured a different ending to this situation. Every adult with any assets; car, home, money in the bank, work benefits, etc., should have some type of a plan, period. I have daughters in their late 30’s who have had a will, power of attorney, and living will in place for over 15 years, simply because it’s the responsible thing to do.

I agree.

And I understand why the family was questioning the marriage since it seems this couple suddenly decided to simply declare themselves married after years of living together, and it was done at a time he wasn't well. If a judge has said the marriage isn't legal, then it's not really the family's fault for questioning it. It's surprising to me that apparently there weren't any documents in place, not even a POA or basic will.

Yes, it's a sad situation, and my heart goes out to this woman who has lost her beloved partner.

Re: What do you think?

Ifeelwicked — Sat, 09 Jun 2018 08:02:24 GMT

First of all, I’m so sorry for your friend. And legalities aside, shame on that sister. (Please tell me there was a huge “thank you” somewhere amidst her demands. 🤷‍♀️) I would absolutely hand everything over, then send “sis” a certified letter (bill) from an attorney of everything owed to your dear friend and don’t leave off so much as a Tylenol. It’s worth a try.

Re: What do you think?

Pook — Sat, 09 Jun 2018 12:51:30 GMT

I would think that in order to get approved for the FMLA she had to sign papers declaring common law marriage. That should be the same everywhere because FMLA law should be the same in all states. I have a friend who did that when she retired so her SO could have her benefits to. That piece of paper should hold up in any court. I don't get what not living with each other (especially considering the circumstances) has to to with anything. Look at the many couples who have to work out of town for their work - especially those working in the movie industry or in the military and deployed and they still can get whatever their spouses have amassed if they die or divorce. Couples who have seperated but never divorced even after 5, 10 or more years have been treated as the sole heir even though they have not lived together for many many years! I do think she has a good chance of winning in court!

Re: What do you think?

CalminHeart — Sat, 09 Jun 2018 11:07:21 GMT

Some states are still very backwards in their thinking and laws. Health insurance big business makes tons of money and, if a state limits rights or the employer/insured chose a non-ACA policy policy, they're out of luck. It's a huge reason to go to the courthouse and make a relationship legal.