topic Re: Adoption and conceiving through IVF in Among Friends

Adoption and conceiving through IVF

hyacinth003 — Sat, 12 May 2018 19:46:29 GMT

I know a couple that due to male infertility got the opportunity to adopt 2 children (girls) while they were babies. They went through the pregnancies and births of their adopted daughters. They seem like very loving parents.

However, they have not given up their quest for a biological child. She has had one failed attempt at IVF. She became pregnant bu lost the first one. She has a few more embryos left and is going to continue to attempt to become pregnant. It is an extremely difficult experience to go through. It requires much testing, hormonal manipulation, and lots of monitoring during the attempt at a viable pregnancy.

I have only had a biological child, and do not think I would do IVF. Since I did have struggles, I did have to think about how far I would go.

As their daughters get older, I would be concerned that they would feel the biological child was perhaps more important and special to the parent. Despite their assurances that is NOT how it woule be, I can't shake that feeling.

Anyone have thoughts on this?

Hyacinth

Re: Adoption and conceiving through IVF

blackhole99 — Sat, 12 May 2018 23:29:22 GMT

My relatives adopted a baby as an infant and then had a biological child 5 years later. I don't think their child would have minded that he was adopted if they had told him right out of the gate. They finally had to tell him what was up when he turned 12 and wanted to know why he didn't look like anyone in the family and asked if he was adopted. Well you can imagine what a mess that situation was. My cousin had a hard time accepting that his parents were not up front with him and acted out all through his teens. He made it through life ok, but was never close to anyone in our family again. He is not close to the biological brother as an adult, but to my knowledge they did get along when they lived at home. My uncle and aunt were very good parents to both kids and did not favor one over the other. Actually, their biological son does not look like anyone in our family either.

Re: Adoption and conceiving through IVF

CelticCrafter — Sat, 12 May 2018 20:29:29 GMT

I have a cousin that was adopted as an infant, he's 20 now.

Up until about 5 years ago, he hadn't been told. I don't know if that's changed now.

I don't agree with not telling.

Re: Adoption and conceiving through IVF

Q-Anu — Sat, 12 May 2018 21:28:25 GMT

While I wouldn't judge anyone for their decisions, my husband and I did discuss this during our engagement. We had agreed that if we weren't naturally blessed with children, we would adopt rather than undergo IVF. There are so many children awaiting adoption. We have our two and have left it there for now. We are godparents and help to care for my widowed SIL's two young boys, too.

I do know of a couple who believed they were infertile (testing error) who adopted a child, then later gave birth naturally with no IVF. If they love their bio-child more than the adopted one, I couldn't begin to say. They show no difference between the two in company of us, and both girls seem happy and well-balanced. I would hate to think their older adopted daughter feels somehow less than, but we never really know someone's inner heart unless they share it. She's only 9-years old and her sister is 4.

The adopted girl was told that she was especially chosen to be their daughter. Which I do agree with. The adopted child should be lovingly told when they are old enough to understand.

Re: Adoption and conceiving through IVF

ALRATIBA — Sat, 12 May 2018 22:01:30 GMT

My thoughts .... totally opposed to IVF for religous reasons.

Unless you can get inside the minds of your friends ... I really don't think you should speculate on something that may or may not occur at some point in the future.

Re: Adoption and conceiving through IVF

Shanus — Sat, 12 May 2018 22:45:18 GMT

Each family is different and children, as they grow into adulthood, are different. We adopted our son when he was 4 days old. Before I could get the hang of caring for an infant....pregnant! My kids are a year apart...boy and a girl.

It’s up to the parents to create a feeling that everyone’s treated the same way. If any doubts about raising an adopted child or what you’d feel if you also had a biological child...don’t adopt. It’s not right for you.

We were thoroughly screened for months....forms, interviews, what ifs, etc.

When I’d took both children out, I met someone I had not seen for awhile and they asked, “Now, let’s see, which child is the adopted one?” I answered, “You know, I can never remember.”

They are 46 and 45 now and live on opposite coasts w/ their families, but remain close...keep in touch by text, email, FB and phone calls.

Re: Adoption and conceiving through IVF

151949 — Sat, 12 May 2018 22:46:30 GMT

I had 2 tubal pregnancies. At that time - early 70's there were very limited options and they were extremely expensive and experimental. By the time IVF was readily available I had already been thru chemo for breast cancer and I was afraid to let them mess around with my hormones. DH was against adoption, so we never had any children.

Re: Adoption and conceiving through IVF

Carmie — Sat, 12 May 2018 23:47:56 GMT

I have a friend who was married for 11 years and couldn't get pregnant. She and her DH tried IVF twice with her husband's sperm and her eggs.

On the second try, she conceived twin girls. I had to laugh when after she gave birth she made him have a vasectomy.

My Aunt adopted two children way back in the 60's. She is Italian as is her husband. They used to try to match up children with parents who looked alike....same nationally, etc.

My Aunt received a call one day that a boy was available for adoption. He was supposed to go to another couple, but they got pregnant while waiting and declined adopting. My aunt took him...he had blue eyes and very white blond hair.

Three years later, they adopted an Italian baby girl. Both children were told they were adopted before they even knew what that meant. They both are grown up, with kids of their own and they are part of our family. We all love them.

My husband worked with a guy who never knew he and his biological sister were adopted until both of their parents were dead. Image finding out something like that in your early 50's while going through paperwork. He also found out he has other siblings.

Having children naturally, by adoption or by " test tube" is a personal decision that is unique to each couple or person. I truly believe that a child does not have to be biological yours to be loved.

There are many, many blended families today. All is good when children are wanted and loved.

If a family wants a biological child for some reason, that is their business. They gotta do what they are compelled to do. It might end up being a heartbreaking for them, even after many attempts.

Re: Adoption and conceiving through IVF

sunshine45 — Sun, 13 May 2018 00:07:54 GMT

i think it is a highly personal family decision. i believe the family does what is right for the family. no one could really say if it is right or wrong. ivf isnt easy, adoption isnt easy, dealinb with infertility isnt easy.

you may want to read the book by kerstin lindquist. “5 Months Apart: A Story of Infertility, Faith and Grace”

"Daughter Grace was adopted seven years ago, and then, five months later, Georgia became part of the family the old fashioned way. The newest family member, Ben, was adopted and still wears diapers."

http://www.dailylocal.com/article/DL/20170510/NEWS/170519978

Re: Adoption and conceiving through IVF

roxxy1 — Sun, 13 May 2018 00:37:04 GMT

@Shanus wrote:
Each family is different and children, as they grow into adulthood, are different. We adopted our son when he was 4 days old. Before I could get the hang of caring for an infant....pregnant! My kids are a year apart...boy and a girl.

It’s up to the parents to create a feeling that everyone’s treated the same way. If any doubts about raising an adopted child or what you’d feel if you also had a biological child...don’t adopt. It’s not right for you.

We were thoroughly screened for months....forms, interviews, what ifs, etc.

When I’d took both children out, I met someone I had not seen for awhile and they asked, “Now, let’s see, which child is the adopted one?” I answered, “You know, I can never remember.”

They are 46 and 45 now and live on opposite coasts w/ their families, but remain close...keep in touch by text, email, FB and phone calls.

@Shanus Good answer, You know, I can never remember.

Nice post........heartwarming

Re: Adoption and conceiving through IVF

IMW — Sun, 13 May 2018 01:19:50 GMT

@roxxy1 wrote:
@Shanus wrote:
Each family is different and children, as they grow into adulthood, are different. We adopted our son when he was 4 days old. Before I could get the hang of caring for an infant....pregnant! My kids are a year apart...boy and a girl.

It’s up to the parents to create a feeling that everyone’s treated the same way. If any doubts about raising an adopted child or what you’d feel if you also had a biological child...don’t adopt. It’s not right for you.

We were thoroughly screened for months....forms, interviews, what ifs, etc.

When I’d took both children out, I met someone I had not seen for awhile and they asked, “Now, let’s see, which child is the adopted one?” I answered, “You know, I can never remember.”

They are 46 and 45 now and live on opposite coasts w/ their families, but remain close...keep in touch by text, email, FB and phone calls.
@Shanus Good answer, You know, I can never remember.

Nice post........heartwarming

Yes, perfect answer. I was adopted and told before I was 2. It was a normal part of my life. My parents told me I was chosen and special. I never had issues, and was surprised to find that so many others do.

I was blessed with the most loving parents. My mother always said her only regret was not adopting another. Never searched for birth parents or siblings- I Never wanted or needed to.

I believe to adopt a child is the ultimate gift of love.

It takes a very special person to do so. Bless them all.

Re: Adoption and conceiving through IVF

chrystaltree — Sun, 13 May 2018 03:44:08 GMT

You're putting your own feelings into that. Parents love their adopted children every bit as much as they love their birth children and their children grow up knowing that.

Re: Adoption and conceiving through IVF

Vivian — Sun, 13 May 2018 14:50:30 GMT

My sister-in-law and brother went through five failed IVF attempts. The side effects were awful. I just hope there won’t be a health price to pay down the road. They adopted a beautiful little girl, my favorite niece. She is now in college and after a few tough years in adolescence, she’s doing very well. I am very proud of her.

Re: Adoption and conceiving through IVF

MarieIG — Sun, 13 May 2018 14:56:18 GMT

I could not imagine NOT falling head-over-heels in love with an adopted baby!

Re: Adoption and conceiving through IVF

Bri63 — Sun, 13 May 2018 15:38:43 GMT

I know several people who have adopted. They love them all the same. They were told from the time they were little. It doesn't seem to be an issue.

My daughter has a friend that was born through the use of a surrogate. The surrogate was her mom's sister. The sister's egg was used. This girl had no idea that her aunt is actually her mom. She found out when she saw her birth certificate by accident when she went to college. She was devastated.

I do believe in using whatever means you can to have a baby. I also believe you should be truthful about it with the child.

Re: Adoption and conceiving through IVF

Shanus — Mon, 14 May 2018 11:07:36 GMT

@MarieIG wrote:
I could not imagine NOT falling head-over-heels in love with an adopted baby!

@MarieIG I can’t imagine not falling in love w/ ANY child placed in my arms as mine. I somewhat object to the distinction of adopted baby. I had my son home at 4 days old and my daughter not until she was 8 days old since was a C section. As far as I’m concerned that’s the only difference I remember. At some new doctor’s first appts. when asked to fill out forms and if they inquire...How many pregnancies, you can’t imagine how many times I write two and then have to change it to one.

Re: Adoption and conceiving through IVF

Shanus — Mon, 14 May 2018 15:45:11 GMT

@Carmie wrote:
I have a friend who was married for 11 years and couldn't get pregnant. She and her DH tried IVF twice with her husband's sperm and her eggs.

On the second try, she conceived twin girls. I had to laugh when after she gave birth she made him have a vasectomy.

My Aunt adopted two children way back in the 60's. She is Italian as is her husband. They used to try to match up children with parents who looked alike....same nationally, etc.

My Aunt received a call one day that a boy was available for adoption. He was supposed to go to another couple, but they got pregnant while waiting and declined adopting. My aunt took him...he had blue eyes and very white blond hair.

Three years later, they adopted an Italian baby girl. Both children were told they were adopted before they even knew what that meant. They both are grown up, with kids of their own and they are part of our family. We all love them.

My husband worked with a guy who never knew he and his biological sister were adopted until both of their parents were dead. Image finding out something like that in your early 50's while going through paperwork. He also found out he has other siblings.

Having children naturally, by adoption or by " test tube" is a personal decision that is unique to each couple or person. I truly believe that a child does not have to be biological yours to be loved.

There are many, many blended families today. All is good when children are wanted and loved.

If a family wants a biological child for some reason, that is their business. They gotta do what they are compelled to do. It might end up being a heartbreaking for them, even after many attempts.

@Carmie We were counseled by our social worker to use the word adoption openly in conversation from Day One. We had many children’s book to read them about older adopted children coming into a family, biological & adopted kids in same family, etc. It was never a big deal.

Re: Adoption and conceiving through IVF

viva923 — Mon, 14 May 2018 21:33:35 GMT

some dear friends of my DD just received their first child into their home. A brand new baby. They tried every known advancement to science to have children. Nothing worked. Finally decided to adopt. they went thur the whole pregnancy with the mother and father (very young couple). When the mother went into labor they were at the hospital waiting with open arms. They named the child after the dad and the biological father of the baby. They were so grateful this couple gave up their child so they could take care and raise the child with love galore.

this couple are the sweetest couple, so loving, so kind. They are both teachers and have been for years. I am very happy for them.

the rules for the child are very strict due to adoption. child is not allowed to be seen by anyone for 3 months except for the adoptive mom/dad. Not sure if the adoptive family (aunts-uncles and so forth) are allowed to see the baby. I know my DD said the adoptive parents are not allowed to have any kind of baby shower gathering for this 3 month wait. It may be due to all signing of papers. Not sure. I just know the adoptive parents are such good people and are very happy now.

Re: Adoption and conceiving through IVF

lovesrecess — Mon, 14 May 2018 22:37:53 GMT

if it were not for IVF, I would not have my 8 wonderful grandchildren. I see no religious basis to oppose it at all. The babies are all biologically theirs. I have three kids; they and their spouses determined this was the only way they could have a baby after consulting with drs and suffering several miscarriages; I considered the IVF procedure a gift from God

Re: Adoption and conceiving through IVF

Shanus — Mon, 14 May 2018 23:36:41 GMT

I’m having difficulty following why & how a baby comes into this world is anyone else’s business....except the parents. There are many methods to conceive other than IVF. I’d hate to be talked about or questioned how I got pregnant. The new baby (or child of any age) is what’s important, not how they got here.