topic Re: Need encouragemet in Among Friends

Need encouragemet

Gayle2 — Tue, 24 Apr 2018 18:53:42 GMT

I am having a hard time articulating what I want to say. I have lived in my prestent neighborhood for over 14 years. We have some neighbors that we are really tight with and the rest, more or less just friendly. I walk my dog every morning and follow it with cycling for exercise. How I "roll" is everytime I pass a neighbor on the street I either wave, say hello or stop and chat. Well I have one neighbor that flat out ignores me. She is friendly with other neighbors, not me nor my husband. The only thing we can think of that may have ticked her off was 3 years ago her dog was barking non stop for hours on end and we mentioned it to her as we thought she would want to know. We live in a coastal community where being outdoors on one's deck everyday is very routine. Most people are considerate of this and manage their noise level etc. It never occured to me that this would be a grudge issue. My husband keeps telling me to let it go..."some people are just petty that way". For the most part I have done that but when I consider how many times I pass this person on the street (i.e. she is a walker), it is hard to comparmentalize. And just so you know, I have tried on several times to communicate with her and she just glares and walks on. I can't fix this, just trying to live with it without it messing up my day. Any suggestions....

Re: Need encouragemet

bonnielu — Tue, 24 Apr 2018 18:57:14 GMT

Thoughts about this.

1. It is on her. She is the one with the issue.

2. If you were to approach her, invite her over, offer her something at her door as in cake, etc

3. Ignore her and move on.

If you have tried it all, I repeat consider #1

Re: Need encouragemet

Mermaid22 — Tue, 24 Apr 2018 18:57:46 GMT

Just keep “rolling “ the way you do. Smile , say hello etc. She has the problem not you😊

Re: Need encouragemet

KingstonsMom — Tue, 24 Apr 2018 18:59:44 GMT

You can't control how other people feel about you or why, you can just control how you react to it.

After all this time and your repeated efforts to be friendly, I would just ignore her, as she ignores you and not give it a second thought.

It's her problem, not yours.

Re: Need encouragemet

x Hedge — Tue, 24 Apr 2018 19:52:49 GMT

If I were you, I'd be asking myself why I'm so needing of her conversation. Is is just because she chooses to withhold it from you?

What other reason have you for pursing the subject?

You're husband's right. Let it go.

. . .and all these nice folks are trying to tell you it's her that's having a problem, but I don't see that.

She's chosen the way she wants to interact with you, and is happy doing so.

It is you who wants to change the nature of the relationship, trying several times to strike up a social conversation with someone who's made it clear she'd prefer not to talk with you.

Yes, she glares at you.

I have a similar situation. I find my intrusive person to be dismissive of my choice, and disrespectful of my decision, instead relentlessly attempting to manipulate me into a conversation I just don't want to have with her.

Perhaps she thinks of you using those underlined words too.

Re: Need encouragemet

AuntG — Tue, 24 Apr 2018 19:01:27 GMT

A simple "good morning" is all you can give her. If she glares, that's the way it is. You tried! Actually I ignore some neighbors because they are so OCD, it drives me crazy. I want to scream " there isn't enough Xanax on earth to cure you", but then I'd be the irrational one.

Re: Need encouragemet

qualitygal — Tue, 24 Apr 2018 19:02:47 GMT

Consider it her loss. If she wants to hold a grudge, you don't need her in your life, I guess she is showing you what her decision is. Life is too short to waste it on that kind of a person. She sounds like she'd be a toxic personality type.

Re: Need encouragemet

happycat — Tue, 24 Apr 2018 19:03:07 GMT

I'd try to ignore her. I realize that is probably easier said than done, but thats what I would do. It doesn't sound like you have done anything wrong and if she is holding a grudge because you let her know her dog was barking nonstop, three years ago - then it really sounds as if she is the one with the problem.

Re: Need encouragemet

chrystaltree — Tue, 24 Apr 2018 19:07:35 GMT

Do what your husband says and ignore the woman. It could be the dog barking thing and it could be that she just doesn't like you. You have absolutely no way of knowing that you are the only one she gives the cold shoulder too. You just think so because of that past incident. Why does it bother you so much. And stop trying to communicate with the woman, it borders on harrassment when she's made it clear she doesn't want to speak to you. Live your life and let her live her life.

Re: Need encouragemet

RespectLife — Tue, 24 Apr 2018 19:08:22 GMT

"The only thing we can think of that may have ticked her off was 3 years ago her dog was barking non stop for hours on end and we mentioned it to her as we thought she would want to know."

Just to play devil's advocate here...and I am NOT saying her behavior is acceptable, BUT....I would guess you are correct that the above is what ticked her off.

Don't you think she already knew her dog barked? She may have taken your 'mentioning' it badly. A barking dog is annoying to owners too, and she may have taken offense to you confronting her about it. It may be something they are struggling with, so it wouldn't help to have someone state the obvious.

Three years is a long time to hold a grudge. She should move on, especially if you are being cordial and friendly to her!

If it really bothers you, you could approach the subject with her and just ask her if you have offended her in any way. If so, that was not your intent at all. Maybe invite her to lunch to mend fences.

OR as others have said...enjoy your community and know that you have other neighbors you can enjoy being friends with. Some people are just grouchy!

Re: Need encouragemet

Coquille — Tue, 24 Apr 2018 19:10:44 GMT

@Gayle2 Obviously, you have tried and are the bigger and better person. You can't always fix things. Sometimes, situations are out of our control. Try not to let her get to you. If she is holding some kind of grudge, that's on her. It's her problem, Don't allow it to be yours. Holding a grudge is not healthy and again, that's her problem, As the song says, " Let It Go, Let It Go, Let It Go ". Be a happy person, not a Negative Nelly, like she is!

Re: Need encouragemet

IMW — Tue, 24 Apr 2018 19:16:25 GMT

You are allowing her to live rent free in your head. She wants to upset you. Hold up your head and keep walking. She’s not going to let it go, stop giving her power over your mood.

So she ignores you? Big Deal.

Re: Need encouragemet

RedTop — Tue, 24 Apr 2018 19:18:44 GMT

I would continue speaking to her during your encounters, but move on without another thought. This woman has shown you she holds a grudge over frivolous things, so why would you even want her as a friend?

Re: Need encouragemet

gizmogal — Tue, 24 Apr 2018 19:23:35 GMT

@chrystaltree wrote:
Do what your husband says and ignore the woman. It could be the dog barking thing and it could be that she just doesn't like you. You have absolutely no way of knowing that you are the only one she gives the cold shoulder too. You just think so because of that past incident. Why does it bother you so much. And stop trying to communicate with the woman, it borders on harrassment when she's made it clear she doesn't want to speak to you. Live your life and let her live her life.

@chrystaltreeHas expressed the perfect answer in her every sentence. There is a point where someone else’s behavior just isn’t your concern and you get over it. I have to wonder if your statement of your cheery hello being met by silent ignoring you is bragging or complaining on your part. Is she so bad, or are you so naggingly insistent with your greetings? Part of being a balanced human being is accepting behavior that is inconsequential. It doesn’t have to relate to you. It’s senseless to pursue a greeting from this woman and it is inappropriate to force a greeting on her knowing she won’t respond. Yes, it’s a passive aggressive move, as in “ look how nice I am and how this lady looks so mean/cold/rude/un-nice”.

Continue to roll your way but exclude expectations from your estranged neighbor and spare her your greeting. Allow yourself the reality that she’s as entitled to roll her way, for her own reasons or none at all. And her way includes ignoring you and perhaps others you may not know about. Learn how to ignore her. And drop this as a situation requiring encouragement. All it needs is maturity.

Re: Need encouragemet

Gayle2 — Tue, 24 Apr 2018 19:27:33 GMT

Thanks for your responses! Much appreciated.

Re: Need encouragemet

Lilysmom — Tue, 24 Apr 2018 19:29:23 GMT

@Gayle2, I have a neighbor like this. The silent treatment was for a similar reason. I just ignore her. I talk to her kids and her husband all the time. It doesn’t bother me at all. Way down there on the worry list. LM

Re: Need encouragemet

2blonde — Tue, 24 Apr 2018 19:32:08 GMT

@Gayle2 I'm like you. I ride my bike and jog through the same neighborhood(s) on a regular basis. Just last evening, I was on my bike happily smiling and saying "hello" to anyone and everyone. I do often stop to talk and even get to know some of these people, even though I live a mile or two away from them.

So, here's my take on this. Of the people I see, 90% will either initiate a smile and a greeting, or at least acknowledge my greeting to them. I feel this make each of our days just a little bit brighter. There are, however, always going to be that other 10% who for whatever reason, will act like I'm invisible. I don't see this as a problem for me whatsoever. I feel like the other 90% make up for them many times over. If I was the person being unfriendly, then THAT WOULD be a problem!

Re: Need encouragemet

GCR18 — Tue, 24 Apr 2018 19:54:06 GMT

If it was going to change, it would have by now. I don't like people ignoring me. There's not much you can do without imposing yourself. Go about your business and if you want to say hi, say it and move on.

Re: Need encouragemet

chickenbutt — Tue, 24 Apr 2018 20:00:55 GMT

One helpful thing I realized a long time ago is that everybody does not have to like me. Like you, I get along with others well and wouldn't do anything to offend somebody. What you said to her that day should have been said. You didn't do anything wrong.

But the bottom line is that everybody is different and who knows what perceived slight has her acting that way toward you. Or maybe there is nothing. If she is somebody who act like that just because you mentioned the dog barking that time, she's probably somebody you don't need in your life, anyway.

Now, OTOH, would it be nice to know WHY she is treating you like that? Heck yeah. Unfortunately, you don't always get to know. Over the decades I've had 2 or 3 friends drop me for reasons I never got to know. Yeah, if I spend time with it in my head it will bother me because I do know that I never meant to hurt or offend them in any way. I don't want to be dislked any more than the next chicken. But I try to just 'let it go' as much as possible so it doesn't hurt me.

Re: Need encouragemet

SXMGirl — Tue, 24 Apr 2018 20:08:47 GMT

@Gayle2, if you feel the need, just say good morning or hello and keep on moving. Don't continue with eye contact after speaking. Go about your business and give her no thought. Whatever the reason, and it might be something other than her barking dog as some people develop a dislike for unknown reasons, there is nothing else you should or can do. You cannot make someone like you, and it appears that you get along well with your other neighbors. In the big picture, you don't live with her, so she really should not matter to you.