topic Re: Cautious friend? in Among Friends

Cautious friend?

TX-starlight — Sat, 07 Apr 2018 19:56:26 GMT

I have a dear friend, probably my truest friend in the world, but.....she drives me crazy with her "safety warnings" to me. For instance-awhile back, my purse strap was hanging (no where near my feet), & she says, "you could step on that & trip", I mentioned I had been sleeping with a cough drop in my mouth (been doing this for yrs. when needed for moisture at night), She says "WE" don't need to do that, you could choke on it". She is constantly telling me what I "need" to do. Many yrs ago, we were talking over the phone. I heard her husband saying something to her in the background, I asked what he was saying (he was talking loud, so I knew he meant for me to hear,lol), She said he told me to stop fussing at you. Over the yrs, I've tried to ignore her, but she is becoming very annoying always cautioning me about things. I'm 65! I am aware of things! I definitely don't want to hurt her feeling, but it's so irritating, I'm finding myself not wanting to spend time with her. I blame it on her "sign" she is Scorpio, my mom was the same & she was like this in some ways.

Re: Cautious friend?

NicksmomESQ — Sat, 07 Apr 2018 20:06:51 GMT

If you can no longer handle her constantly warning you,then you need to sit her down & gently tell her that it’s starting to bother you.If you’re that close I’m sure you can work it out.Just tell her that you made it this far & you’re sure you’ll be fine.

Re: Cautious friend?

x Hedge — Sat, 07 Apr 2018 20:15:43 GMT

Instead of that 'sit down and look her in the eye' chat, I'm more likely to just say, "Ok mom" to old ladies who (s)mother other old ladies.

Try to sound like an exasperated 16 year old when you say it.

Re: Cautious friend?

kittyloo — Sat, 07 Apr 2018 20:19:46 GMT

how about instead, thanking her. Say, gee. i hadn't thought about that, or " i'll keep that in mind, next time" she just says it, because she cares about you. Maybe her husband does that to her all the time.

Re: Cautious friend?

fthunt — Sat, 07 Apr 2018 20:21:18 GMT

My neighbor lady has a single lady 'friend' like that - she/husband went to Florida for a week visit. Visit lasted 2 nights - husband blew his stack after listening to this woman constantly 'correcting' his wife. Repacked the bags and left. I have an elderly lady friend 91 yrs old - if I make a dish - she'll immediately tell me how she does it - and I should too. At 91 - I just let her go on and on. LOL

Re: Cautious friend?

Vivian — Sat, 07 Apr 2018 20:24:33 GMT

You can thank her for her concern and tell her you’ll be more careful in the future. That’s easier than telling her to shut up. I’m familiar with people who are so scared that every time you leave your home, danger awaits. Actually, even in your own home, danger lurks according to these Nervous Nellies. Remember that your neurotic friend is issuing warnings out of love.

Re: Cautious friend?

mistriTsquirrel — Sat, 07 Apr 2018 20:24:54 GMT

Oh man. My mom is like this at times. Sometimes I wonder how she thinks I survive when we aren't together.

Have you talked to her about it? Also, sometimes you have to remind someone more than once that their behavior is not okay with you before they will get the message. If you've already gone down this road and she keeps doing it anyway, it's probably a compulsive behavior that isn't going to stop.

Re: Cautious friend?

KitTkat — Sat, 07 Apr 2018 20:26:25 GMT

If she's really your truest friend, you should be able to discuss this with her openly and tell her how much it bothers you. I understand that you don't want to hurt her feelings, but keeping it held inside like you have is only building up resentment. Talk to her, be honest, and tell her how much you love her as a friend. Your true friendship can and will stand the test of honesty.

Re: Cautious friend?

QVCkitty1 — Sat, 07 Apr 2018 20:27:39 GMT

I used to work with a woman who always knew best, even though trust me, she didn't. I used to call her the " grim reaper " because she always put the most depressing spin on anything. People would go out of their way to avoid her, as they were tired of being lectured.

Re: Cautious friend?

Imaoldhippie — Sat, 07 Apr 2018 20:39:07 GMT

You know your friend and how she would react. But she does not hesitate to offend you by constantly reminding you to becareful. The next time she says the "caution" to you say ..............Gee thanks mom, would please stop with the caution stuff, its driving me crazy! Im a big girl now.

Re: Cautious friend?

CelticCrafter — Sat, 07 Apr 2018 20:55:17 GMT

It's why I no longer elaborate when questions are asked by my in-laws.

The answers are a simple a yes, no, I don't know or okay.

Many of them pertain to either my husband or our daughter and I've finally decided it's not my place to be answering or volunteering information because it only generates more questions or unwanted advice that I should relay. Many times I won't even answer the phone anymore if I see it's them calling. If my husband is around I will tell him to answer it and talk to them.

Re: Cautious friend?

chickenbutt — Sat, 07 Apr 2018 20:57:18 GMT

I think it's just some peoples' way of 'caring' about others. Is it beyond annoying? Heck yeah! Can you change them? I don't know.

My husband is a bit like this and sometimes I feel so annoyed like I've been on the planet for over 60 decades and I know to 'be careful' or some other silly notion. But he just says that he's saying stuff like that because he cares. Hard to argue with that and any amount of telling him, as he even knows which makes it even weirder, that I'm not a careless person. I'm super careful almost all the time.

Anything I do I research first and I am just the type of person who had purpose to everything I do. That probably won't change - neither, I fear, will his need to always be telling me what I should do or other cautions.

Funny thing is, he's about as careless as anybody. He's the one who needs people telling him this stuff, but I'm not the type to hover on anybody like that. I do try to get him to be more careful, organized, etc, but very infrequently. I'm trying to help but I also know he's not going to change and pretty much gave up on it. He can look at me and just say 'I know'.

Re: Cautious friend?

jackthebear — Sat, 07 Apr 2018 21:04:21 GMT

Miss Manners and Dear Abby

have a bunch of lines for these kind of statements

thank you for your concern

I will keep that in mind

then continue with what your are doing, if her Bs continues then you need to shut it down directly, or/and decrease contact

Re: Cautious friend?

ValuSkr — Sat, 07 Apr 2018 21:11:36 GMT

Maybe you could turn the table on her so she could see what it feels like to be badgered.

Re: Cautious friend?

chrystaltree — Sat, 07 Apr 2018 21:16:07 GMT

Forgive me but I have to say it. Stop sleeping with a cough drop in your mouth, you could choke! You know by now that your friend is who she is and at her age; she isn't about to change and she isn't going to stop the barage of warnings. She is who she is. I do understand that the woman is getting on your nerves. She knows how you feel, she just isn't going to stop. If you want to maintain the friendship, you have limit the time you spend with her. And when you do see her, the first thing you should say after "hello" is "Jane, no lecturing today. I'm not in the mood for it". It might help a little. It's not her astrological sign...lol She seems eccentric, somthing's off the mark with her.

Re: Cautious friend?

TX-starlight — Sat, 07 Apr 2018 21:45:37 GMT

@kittyloo This is kinda how I usually handle, just by saying yes tks, or I keep walking/talking. This very well could have come from living with her husband, he seemed like that type. I wasn't around him a lot tho. I just can not hurt her feeling, but it gets to me at times. She is about to move away, so I won't be talking with her quite as much & not going anywhere with her. It just kinda got to me yesterday. I know she cares & means well, that's why I can't hurt her feeling over it. Her whole "structured" behavior gets me sometimes, then I realize what a good friend she is, & try to overlook it.

Tks ALL!

Re: Cautious friend?

agnesann — Sat, 07 Apr 2018 22:40:26 GMT

Ha! My mom is a Scorpio and she has trust issues with lots of things and people, but she doesn’t do this.

My paternal grandmother had been an RN and after she retired she became much more doting with family and friends. Dad explained that she yet needed to feel needed, and since she did deeply care for us....that was easy to forgive. Endearing. I would just thank her for caring, even if she was telling or warning me about things I already knew.

I have a peer - a co-worker, though, who has this need to feel superior on the job and in social situations. I think she feels inferior in her private life, so she tries to compensate this way. Long lectures that is nothing more “brilliant” than speaking the obvious ad nauseam. She will argue a point that no one even objected to, to death! 💀 If you happen to disagree with her openly, the hostility that bubbles just below the surface erupts. She makes a huge fool of herself, but blames the person with the other point of view. The claws come out. She obviously doesn’t really care for anyone she's warning and lecturing, so that is MUCH harder to forgive or even tolerate. I try to avoid her, but it's hard at work. I'm about to say to her: “Since you clearly think I'm such an idiot to not be aware of these very basic risks, the state of the world, etc... why would someone so FAR superior bother talking to me? I'll never get it, right? I'm hopeless. Leave me to my DOOM, please!”

This is your dear friend, though. You don’t want to hurt her feelings. Something is causing her to behave this way. Maybe gently help her get to the bottom of that, or perhaps you already know. If she does it to others, too, you know not to take it personally. Nothing about you is triggering this mothering/smothering over-protective tendency in her. If she is at all self-aware, she knows she does it. I might smile, touch her hand and say, “I love you, but you’re doing it again. Insulting my intelligence.”

Re: Cautious friend?

NYC Susan — Sat, 07 Apr 2018 22:37:50 GMT

@NicksmomESQ wrote:
If you can no longer handle her constantly warning you,then you need to sit her down & gently tell her that it’s starting to bother you.If you’re that close I’m sure you can work it out.Just tell her that you made it this far & you’re sure you’ll be fine.

Exactly. Just tell her that you know she means well, but that it bothers you and you'd appreciate it if she could cut back on those kind of comments. Clearly her heart is in the right place and she cares about you. I'm sure - from her point of view - she feels she's being a good and caring friend. She won't know it bothers you and she may not realize how often she does it unless you tell her.

There's no need to turn it into a big, awkward confrontation. You said she's a good friend (your "truest friend in the world"), so treat her as though you value your friendship with her. Tell her how you feel (kindly), and then move on. (It may open the door to her mentioning something you've been doing that bugs her! Clearing the air is always a good thing.) :-)

Re: Cautious friend?

Kachina624 — Sat, 07 Apr 2018 22:44:43 GMT

@TX-starlight. I don't mean to be an old nag, but keeping a coughdrop in your mouth at night really isn't a good idea. Choking is not the primary danger; they're full of sugar which will really do a number on your teeth. You're bathing your teeth in sugar all night long.

Re: Cautious friend?

NYC Susan — Sat, 07 Apr 2018 22:48:38 GMT

@Kachina624 wrote:
@TX-starlight. I don't mean to be an old nag, but keeping a coughdrop in your mouth at night really isn't a good idea. Choking is not the primary danger; they're full of sugar which will really do a number on your teeth. You're bathing your teeth in sugar all night long.

Yes, I'm pretty sure if someone told me they were sleeping with a cough drop in their mouth, I would advise against it too.

In addition to my advice in my earlier post, I also want to add that it's probably best not to fill this friend in on every little detail of habits such as this one.