topic Re: Not good at small talk in Among Friends

Not good at small talk

OhioAngel — Wed, 28 Mar 2018 17:55:05 GMT

I am terrible at small talk. I used to be super shy and Im not now but still not good with small talk in a group or even with someone I hardly know.

With Easter coming I will be in a group of people I dont know very well at all. I feel self concious in a group and never know what to talk about or ask.

When I am asked what have you been up to or is there anything new going on I cringe. I dont get out alot right now and dont have anything interesting to talk about.

What is someone like me to do?! I cant fake being outgoing and cant make things up lol.

Re: Not good at small talk

Sooner — Wed, 28 Mar 2018 18:08:02 GMT

@OhioAngel YES YOU ABSOLUTELY CAN FAKE OUTGOING! I've done it a million times! Sit down and think some good safe topics to talk about with those people. Usually people LOVE to talk about themselves, so make up some questions that willfeature THEM! Then sit back, smile and nod!

1. Have you been to the new (restaurant, grocery store, reopened bridge, etc.)

2. Do you eat a lot of (chocolate Easter eggs, Peeps when you were growing up).

3. Aren't you glad it's (stopped raining, rained, stopped snowing)?

4. Do you have pets?

5. How long have you known (the host, someone you were just talking to, etc.)

6. Wow this is a big (piece of pie, drink, bowl of dip, etc).

Anything like these questions you can turn around and say "Oh at this time of the year I always look for those Cadbury eggs" or "This food looks wonderful doesn't it?" "I had to find my unbrella today to get here."

"I work with (someone at the party). Do you know them?" "This is a nice party isn't it?" "Do you know (someone)?" "Did you grow up in (city)?"

Just don't talk politics, money or religion! You'll be fine! Go, relax and have a good time. Just show some interest in people, look them in the eye, smile and know that many feel the same way you do!

Re: Not good at small talk

QVCkitty1 — Wed, 28 Mar 2018 18:07:47 GMT

Take it from a fellow shy person, most people love to talk about themselves. If you can comment on their outfit , how they know the host, just general questions usually the conversation will take off. I have always been shy, but for some reason strangers talk to me, so rather than seem rude I've developed strategies. If they have children or grand children you are golden. Try to relax and have fun.🌻

Re: Not good at small talk

FastDogWalker2 — Wed, 28 Mar 2018 18:09:07 GMT

I used to feel uncomfortable in social settings too but I have finally figured out that people generally LOVE to talk about themselves and the questions Sooner listed are perfect topics to start with. Relax and have fun!

Re: Not good at small talk

Little Way — Wed, 28 Mar 2018 18:13:33 GMT

Socializing really is like muscle, so you are just out of shape. I have two suggestions and am really interested to hear what other people suggest:

1) Ask questions and show interest in the people you are with. Ask them how things are with them, have they taken any interesting trips, seen any good movies, tv shows, plans for spring/summer etc. If you have a genuine compliment to offer, then do so - about the food, someone's outfit etc. Ask them how they know the host.

2) Read up on what's in the news, but stay away from politics. Keep it very light - and even if you don't say anything - at least you will have some idea about what people are talking about if they are discussing something in the news.

I feel your pain. I like to "volley" the conversational ball right back if I am not feeling very talkative or don't have anything interesting to say or am caught off guard. For example, "No, I don't have any vacation plans - how about you?"

Another strategy is to help in the kitchen, if that is an option.

Re: Not good at small talk

Kachina624 — Wed, 28 Mar 2018 18:21:03 GMT

@Sooner. has some great ideas. The more you you practice, the easier it becomes. Try to make questions "open ended", that is not answered by a "yes" or "no". I always wonder what the British Royals and heads of state, first ladies, etc. find to talk about with other VIPs as well as ordinary folks. Duchess Kate always seems engaged in animated conversation. What do you suppose she talks about?

Re: Not good at small talk

GingerPeach — Wed, 28 Mar 2018 18:27:56 GMT

@Sooner

I need to take your class! Well done!

Re: Not good at small talk

2blonde — Wed, 28 Mar 2018 18:33:57 GMT

@OhioAngel You've received lots of great advice already. The main thing is to show interest in the other person. Sometimes the best way to break the ice with someone you don't know is to find something about them or something they're wearing that you like, and give them a sincere compliment on it. I've made so many friends starting out that way. You'd be surprised to find that many people who appear stand offish are just shy, or they may be thinking that YOU are unfriendly.....so speak up!

Re: Not good at small talk

on the bay — Wed, 28 Mar 2018 18:35:01 GMT

I think if you are shy, it is sometimes hard to ask a question esp. of a stranger.

And if they are shy back, that can be uncomfortable too or I might feel like I wanted them to share something about themselves, not just ask me lots of questions.

A question or 2 is fine, but I think there should be a mutual sharing or it just sounds like prying.

This is just my own experience with someone who tells people to ask questions of people to try to make friends.

I like to listen to people talk about themselves too so listening and sharing is good.

I usually start off with a comment, like someone else mentioned-

it could be about the weather-'Wow-I"m so glad it stopped raining!"

And they might say "me too"!

And you could say, did you have to come far to get here or is this the first time you've been here?

Or something about the room, or food, or host, or how you're glad you got to take a nap before coming because it would be a long meeting.

I've found comments that are just general are often an opening to similar things shared and easy to talk about. Then if you start to talk back and forth, you may find you've both made a new friend-2 shy but likeable kindred spirits!

Re: Not good at small talk

chrystaltree — Wed, 28 Mar 2018 18:47:11 GMT

I can relate to that, I'm not good in groups or with people I don't know either. Just be yourself and don't feel that you have to entertain someone or compete with others. If someone says "what's new?"; be honest. "Nothing exciting, I'm still a homebody but I like to cook and I made a wonderful meatloaf last week, it was new recipe....yada yada yada". Or something like "I'm getting caught up on tv programs, I live XYZ. Do you watch much tv?" People love taking about themselves so if you ask a question, they'll take over the conversation. "I love that ring you are wearing, is it a family heirloom?" I used that at a Christmas gathering where of my husband's co-workers, I didn't know a soul there. The woman told me about her ring (Evine...lol) and we ended up bonding over jewelry.

Re: Not good at small talk

GenXmuse — Wed, 28 Mar 2018 18:51:21 GMT

See if you can spot someone else who looks kind of shy or ill at ease and talk to them. I ask how they know the host and if they know everyone here.

If all all else fails, just smile!

Re: Not good at small talk

threecees — Wed, 28 Mar 2018 19:03:24 GMT

How about things you may be planning or would love to do this spring/summer.

Movies/t.v. shows, trips,etc.

It will all fall into place. Good Luck

Re: Not good at small talk

ROMARY — Wed, 28 Mar 2018 20:59:36 GMT

I'm not a 'small talker', that's for sure.

Thanks for the tips!

'Trouble is' that when someone asks me what I've been up to lately, I usually say 'Nothing'. (lol). That seems to 'throw off' talkative people. (lol, again)

One of my relatives (years ago) suggested that I just 'make up stuff'. Little white lies as to where I've been, what I've 'been up to', etc.

I tried doing it for a short time, but I don't suggest it. Even though I sure felt great re: being at my faux places, lol. It did prompt me to actually do some of those things, as I recall.

Re: Not good at small talk

SXMGirl — Wed, 28 Mar 2018 21:12:56 GMT

@OhioAngel, years ago, my employer asked me to accompany a co-worker/friend to a business meeting that was out of state. The moderator of the group went around the room, asking everyone to state their name and why they were there. Unfortunately, I saw that she would get to me first before my friend (the moderator's seating was blocking the door, or I would have left) and I knew that I would have to say something and had no idea what. I thought of someone who I used to work with and how she would handle it. I just took over her persona and everyone raved about what I had to say. I could not begin to tell you what came out of my mouth, but it must have been good because they were still praising me at dinner. My friend just said that she was with me (that is what I was supposed to say).

Anyway, think of someone who you admire who always takes the lead and try to use their persona. Ask questions, because most people like to talk about themselves. Find out where people like to vacation or what activities they participate in. You might even find someone with whom you would like to continue a friendship.

Stay away from politics and religion.

Most important, relax and enjoy. No one will remember tomorrow what you said or did not say today.

Re: Not good at small talk

GingerPeach — Wed, 28 Mar 2018 22:10:41 GMT

Here's another tip, not necessarily for talking per se, but just how you feel, @OhioAngel

Make sure you're in a happy frame of mind, set good intentions for the day, ask for the right words to come to you at the right time, and then open yourself to that.

If you feel well and healthy, then you'll be more open to sharing ideas or asking questions.

Re: Not good at small talk

chickenbutt — Wed, 28 Mar 2018 22:20:36 GMT

I hope it goes well! I cringe at the thought of having to be in a crowd of people I don't really know. I usually just find a wall or corner to back up into and I talk to people who come my way.

But, like you, I don't really do small talk. I don't do bs and I don't play games. So I guess the good thing is that when you are around people who do all that you can just listen and say 'uh huh' 'yeah', or whatever, every now and then.

Re: Not good at small talk

jeanlake — Wed, 28 Mar 2018 23:09:40 GMT

You've been given terrific tips. Dale Carnegie said people have a face that says YES or a face that says NO. My husband shared with me 30 years ago that my face says "I'm bored with you." How awful, and yes, I was not happy with his honesty. Since that time I've simply tried to have a more relaxed, pleasant, 'open' look on my face. So, this is a great place to start. AND, always ask others about themselves or what they're interested in. You'll be brilliant in their eyes.

Re: Not good at small talk

viva923 — Thu, 29 Mar 2018 00:37:22 GMT

small talk and me, is oil and water. I am not good with just chattering with people i have no idea who they are. I am worried that i will say or do the wrong thing.

Re: Not good at small talk

blackhole99 — Thu, 29 Mar 2018 00:47:07 GMT

My husband and I are talkers and trying to start up a conversation with someone who is shy is a real pain for us. We figure, maybe they are really shy or they just don't want to be bothered. I quit going to highschool reunions for that reason. I would say, try to be more forth coming and honest with people and it will work out.

Re: Not good at small talk

Graciea — Thu, 29 Mar 2018 01:59:31 GMT

I’m terrible at small talk but I find if I ask people about their children or grandchildren, they usually take over!