topic Re: Help me understand this! in Among Friends

Help me understand this!

fourpaws56 — Thu, 29 Mar 2018 00:25:17 GMT

A dear friend passed away last September. I went to her grave site today and was upset that all the flowers from her service were still on her grave, as well as a large mound of dirt and no headstone. She is buried next to her husband and his grave is beautiful,a very large headstone as well. The family lives in the same town, I can't understand how they could neglet her grave...thoughts?

I did remove all the old flowers today and I will go back tomorrow and clean it up and place fresh flowers..

Re: Help me understand this!

blackhole99 — Thu, 29 Mar 2018 00:28:21 GMT

Maybe they have perpetual care as a service and they are not doing the job. I would ask the family about that, maybe they have not been back to the grave and have no idea.

Re: Help me understand this!

bonnielu — Thu, 29 Mar 2018 00:28:46 GMT

You could contact the family. Perhaps they are in the process of puting in a headstone.

Re: Help me understand this!

AuntG — Thu, 29 Mar 2018 00:29:03 GMT

Something must be happening with the family. I don't how you can tactfully inquire about it.

Re: Help me understand this!

fourpaws56 — Thu, 29 Mar 2018 00:32:41 GMT

I did ask a friend of the family, he said it bothers them to go there, seriously I? said. Our town is only about 1100 people, the family lives very near the cemetery, why the Dads grave so nice...

Re: Help me understand this!

Carmie — Thu, 29 Mar 2018 00:48:11 GMT

I don’t know how things are done in your neck of the woods, but where i live, the cemetery is responsible for removing the old flowers and planting grass and maintaining the grave.

They post signs telling you when the clean up will be. So if there is anything of value....like a vase, you know when to remove it or it will be tossed out.

The family is responsible for getting and arranging to have a headstone installed. Sometimes the headstone is already there and just needs a new engraving to add another name...family’s responsibility.

Thank you for cleaning up your friend’s grave. I am sure she was smiling down on you for your sweet act of kindness.

Re: Help me understand this!

ECBG — Thu, 29 Mar 2018 00:48:42 GMT

Perhaps the head stone is being engraved. Maybe they "can't go there". Everyone grieves in their own way. It's one of the ways our brain protects us.

I know it's very hard for you. It certainly would be for me.

Hopefully, everyone will find piece.

Re: Help me understand this!

fourpaws56 — Thu, 29 Mar 2018 00:54:47 GMT

@Carmie lol, in my neck of the woods it is not done that way...it is an old cemetary from 1862.. the family is very prominent in this town...even getting a headstone engraved would not take seven months...

Re: Help me understand this!

StraytoStay — Thu, 29 Mar 2018 01:01:15 GMT

Maybe the keeper of the cemetery knows why. Sadly it's possible that the family is fighting over who has to pay for it. Hope not.

Re: Help me understand this!

fourpaws56 — Thu, 29 Mar 2018 01:06:19 GMT

@StraytoStaywrote:
Maybe the keeper of the cemetery knows why. Sadly it's possible that the family is fighting over who has to pay for it. Hope not.

I don't know who the keeper of the cemetery is ...it is a very tiny Catholic Church/cemetery. I will ask the Priest next time I go there..

Re: Help me understand this!

Carmie — Thu, 29 Mar 2018 01:13:50 GMT

@fourpaws56wrote:
@Carmie lol, in my neck of the woods it is not done that way...it is an old cemetary from 1862.. the family is very prominent in this town...even getting a headstone engraved would not take seven months...

I know that a new headstone won’t be placed until the ground is settled...they are actually cemented into the ground and placed on a bed of gravel. If the ground is not settled, the headstone will lean and sink.

It is costly to have a headstone removed to have new engraving put on it too. Most often the husband and wife’s name and DOB are engraved at the same time and the Date of death is added with a plaque on the headstone.

i hope your friends family are not too cheap to get her a headstone or marker. They are expensive. My MIL’s headstone with engraving, her picture added and installation was $4800. All of us chipped in to pay for it. It’s a pink and gray granite stone that she loved. We got a nice discount because my BIL ( her son) is a funeral director and recommends that company because they do beautiful work.

A flat stone placed into the ground is much less expensive.

Re: Help me understand this!

dex — Thu, 29 Mar 2018 02:09:13 GMT

While it is sad for those left behind the most important thing as I see it is how they treated her while she lived.If they also neglected her during her life that would be extra sad.

Re: Help me understand this!

BirkiLady — Thu, 29 Mar 2018 02:51:54 GMT

@fourpaws56 @dex @Carmie @StraytoStay @ECBG Surprising that someone doesn't mow a Catholic cemetary and remove the flowers before winter. Usually small cemetaries have volunteers from the Church to take care of such things. Perhaps the individual(s) have been ill? Or, perhaps your friend has been keeping her husband's grave site tidy prior to her death.

As far as the missing headstone, perhaps the family needed to order matching marble or are searching for the perfect quote, biblical verse, etc., for their family member and would rather have it done appropriately than quickly. As far as putting up a headstone, a previous poster is absolutely correct about erecting a headstone when the ground is frozen or wet. It's not going to happen. Also, in a small community it would take someone from a larger area to bring a large marble headstone (after the carving was completed), prepare the site, and return to erect the headstone properly. It's a tedious job, which then requires the landscaping to be replaced. Not a job to be done in a small cemetary in poor weather or if there are not other stones to be placed in nearby cemetaries on the same trip.

I wouldn't say anything to anyone since it's really no one elses business except the family members. It's very, very kind of you to visit your friend and have removed the mess. I'm glad you plan to place fresh flowers for Easter weekend. Blessings for thinking of your friend.

I hope you continue to visit her final resting place without judgement. Grieving is such an individual process for everyone.

Re: Help me understand this!

Wiscfan3 — Thu, 29 Mar 2018 02:48:50 GMT

Maybe your friend was the one who took care of her husband's grave. Now there is nobody willing or able to take care of hers.

I have 4 siblings who live near my mother's grave. I live 3 hours away. I went to the cemetery 3 months after my mom's service and was surprised to find the dried up flowers, etc still there. I didn't say anything to them as I know everyone does grieve in their own way and maybe they just couldn't go there. I wish I was closer as I found it peaceful to be there and take care of this special place. I hope they eventually feel the same.

Re: Help me understand this!

Lila4Now — Thu, 29 Mar 2018 03:11:10 GMT

Maybe there are financial issues. Headstones are not cheap. Maybe after a long illness there were not enough funds for a headstone. Just a possibility.

Re: Help me understand this!

GCR18 — Thu, 29 Mar 2018 03:12:53 GMT

You never know how people are going to grieve. My father was one to go to the cemetery and visit his families graves. My father passed in 2009. My mother finds it difficult to go to his grave and hasn't. That's her way of dealing with things. I've decided it's her husband and her grief. She's never wanted to talk about it and I don't press her.

Re: Help me understand this!

lOVETOSHOP — Thu, 29 Mar 2018 03:31:58 GMT

I'm sure it's upsetting to see a dear friend's final resting place look forgotten and not taken care of. How nice of you to be concerned and to try to tidy it up as much as you can...I'm sure she would appreciate your kindness!

Re: Help me understand this!

ECBG — Thu, 29 Mar 2018 03:34:52 GMT

@fourpaws56,I am so, so sorry for the pain you are going through for your sweet friend. I'll say a special prayer for you both. Bless you for caring.

Re: Help me understand this!

fourpaws56 — Thu, 29 Mar 2018 03:46:41 GMT

@Lila4Nowwrote:
Maybe there are financial issues. Headstones are not cheap. Maybe after a long illness there were not enough funds for a headstone. Just a possibility.

They are the wealthiest family in town....she was not ill at all, her death was unexpected

Re: Help me understand this!

bikerbabe — Thu, 29 Mar 2018 04:00:24 GMT

I believe whoever owns the cemetery is responsible for the basic upkeep of the grounds, including removing old flowers. I wouldn’t judge a family because they don’t visit the gravesite. I can’t do it either. As for the headstone, I can’t think of a tactful way to ask about it.