topic Re: Finally Met My............. in Among Friends

Finally Met My.............

pattypeep — Sun, 10 Dec 2017 19:49:02 GMT

............brother's widow's new husband last night. My brother died four years ago. My SIL remarried a couple of years ago and I was very happy for her, but I just couldn't bring myself to meet her new husband. I've kept in touch with her over the years and she's tried and tried to get us together. I just kept telling her that I wasn't ready. Well, it's Christmas and we had them over for dinner last night. It went well and my dh and I both really like him. My dh actually said that he reminds him of my brother, which he does. I'm not sure what I was afraid of. I guess that it would have been another huge reminder that my dear brother is gone. I'm glad that that hurdle is over. Merry Christmas.

Re: Finally Met My.............

123SuzyQ123 — Sun, 10 Dec 2017 19:54:38 GMT

@pattypeep...I am sure that was a tough thing to do. I am sentimental like that as well. When my brother divorced my SIL that we all loved, it was so hard to see her out dating the next year. I am still in touch with her a bit, and wish that things could have worked with her and my brother.

I am glad you found the new guy to be a lot like your brother, I am sure that helped.

Best wishes as you move forward.

Re: Finally Met My.............

Mominohio — Sun, 10 Dec 2017 20:01:43 GMT

I'm so glad you got to the point of being able to meet him, and I'm glad you liked him.

Sometimes we just aren't ready, and things fall into place when they are supposed to.

I hope you will be able to continue some kind of relationship with them both now if that is what you wish to do.

LIfe is too short to not spend time, regardless of how little it might be, with people we wish to have in our lives in some capacity.

You were brave to make that step, and I hope you can continue to embrace them both and share time.

Re: Finally Met My.............

embgm — Sun, 10 Dec 2017 20:04:08 GMT

Twopeas, I completely understand your feelings.It is hard to see someone new with your sister in law. My sister passed away in her early forties and my brother in law was dating after a year which was fine with me. He was a young man and shouldn't be alone. However it was tough to see him with someone else.A few Years later

My brother in law married a lovely woman and are very happy together. His kids had a rough time accepting her but it took time and they can now appreciate her love for their dad. Our loved ones are part of their lives and they are never forgotten. Em

Re: Finally Met My.............

Lilysmom — Sun, 10 Dec 2017 21:15:43 GMT

@pattypeep, I know it's hard isn't it? I'm so glad it went well. Next time will be easier 💕. LM

Re: Finally Met My.............

pattypeep — Sun, 10 Dec 2017 21:20:06 GMT

@Lilysmom @embgm @Mominohio @123SuzyQ123 Thank you so much for your replies and understanding. I'm sure we will continue a relationship. Having lost my parents and two younger brothers, maybe he can be a surrogate brother to me. It's lucky that my dh liked him (a lot) because he really liked my brother, too.

Re: Finally Met My.............

chrystaltree — Sun, 10 Dec 2017 21:22:03 GMT

It's good that you got over that hurdle and what wonderful woman your sil is for being patient and giving you the time to come to it on your own.

Re: Finally Met My.............

123SuzyQ123 — Sun, 10 Dec 2017 21:26:18 GMT

This topic brings up something totally different with me and I apologize for going off-topic for a bit. But when there has been a death, like @pattypeep brother, I cannot see how the spouse can even think of finding someone new within the first 5 or 6 years! If the person who died was your soulmate, you don't get over them, and you don't move on to someone else. I might be one of the twenty people left who think this way!!

I told my then-husband a few years ago that I would appreciate it if he waited 5 years before he started dating (if I pass before him), so that it would at least LOOK like he still carried me in his heart! LOL

Thanks for letting me vent a bit.

Re: Finally Met My.............

Lilysmom — Sun, 10 Dec 2017 21:27:18 GMT

@pattypeep, I am the youngest girl in a family of ten children. I have lost two brothers and a sister, one in their 50's and two in their 60's. Only one in law remarried. With him, my attitude was 'don't let the door hit you on the way out'. Never liked him. Not because of the remarriage either 🙄.

I'm glad there was a good connection. LM

Re: Finally Met My.............

Drythe — Sun, 10 Dec 2017 22:03:04 GMT

@123SuzyQ123 wrote:
This topic brings up something totally different with me and I apologize for going off-topic for a bit. But when there has been a death, like @pattypeep brother, I cannot see how the spouse can even think of finding someone new within the first 5 or 6 years! If the person who died was your soulmate, you don't get over them, and you don't move on to someone else. I might be one of the twenty people left who think this way!!

I told my then-husband a few years ago that I would appreciate it if he waited 5 years before he started dating (if I pass before him), so that it would at least LOOK like he still carried me in his heart! LOL

Thanks for letting me vent a bit.

@123SuzyQ123

Just another point of view - I would never want my wonderful DH to be alone that long. I’d want him to enjoy his life!

Re: Finally Met My.............

123SuzyQ123 — Sun, 10 Dec 2017 22:06:57 GMT

@Drythe, I totally get that my opinion on that topic is waaaaaay different from most people. That was the reason I said only 20 of us still think that way!! LOL

That is wonderful that you want your DH to find someone else and be happy. I only wish I could think that way!

Re: Finally Met My.............

Drythe — Sun, 10 Dec 2017 22:33:56 GMT

@123SuzyQ123 wrote:
@Drythe, I totally get that my opinion on that topic is waaaaaay different from most people. That was the reason I said only 20 of us still think that way!! LOL
That is wonderful that you want your DH to find someone else and be happy. I only wish I could think that way!

@123SuzyQ123

Well to be frank, I added, “but you must sell my jewelry”. It bothers me to see the 2nd wife wearing the 1sts jewelry or driving around in her car.

None of us perfect,

Re: Finally Met My.............

123SuzyQ123 — Sun, 10 Dec 2017 22:35:16 GMT

@Drythe, that is funny about the jewelry!!

Re: Finally Met My.............

TheMemphisVette — Sun, 10 Dec 2017 22:47:58 GMT

my stepfather remarried a few years after my mother died.

i was so glad to see him happy and not alone. the new wife could of had horns and i wouldn't have cared because she was good to him the rest of his life and i appreciate that.

mother was gone, this was not about her or their time together. this was about him and the rest of the life he had. i never saw her as a sub for my mother, but rather a companion for him. perhaps that is why i never had a selfish thought about it.

Re: Finally Met My.............

Mominohio — Sun, 10 Dec 2017 22:50:22 GMT

@123SuzyQ123 wrote:
This topic brings up something totally different with me and I apologize for going off-topic for a bit. But when there has been a death, like @pattypeep brother, I cannot see how the spouse can even think of finding someone new within the first 5 or 6 years! If the person who died was your soulmate, you don't get over them, and you don't move on to someone else. I might be one of the twenty people left who think this way!!

I told my then-husband a few years ago that I would appreciate it if he waited 5 years before he started dating (if I pass before him), so that it would at least LOOK like he still carried me in his heart! LOL

Thanks for letting me vent a bit.

Everyone is different.

My mother has been a widow since 1979 and never even considered another man. She did indeed find her one and only.

Most relationships though, are not like that. I don't believe that there is only one person for us in this world. The world is huge, and there are so many people in it. I know there are many people who I could love and who could love me. I never have believed in a one and only soul mate.

Men in particular don't do well with being alone after loosing a spouse. I wouldn't take is as a bad thing should a man want to find someone new to spend his life with, after I'm gone. It just depends on how you look at it, but it can be because a spouse did so well caring for and loving the other, that the person surviving wants to have that love and relationship again.

When someone doesn't find a new mate/love, it might be because they really didn't have a good experience with the last one and choose to not do it again.

Re: Finally Met My.............

pattypeep — Mon, 11 Dec 2017 00:39:33 GMT

@123SuzyQ123 wrote:
This topic brings up something totally different with me and I apologize for going off-topic for a bit. But when there has been a death, like @pattypeep brother, I cannot see how the spouse can even think of finding someone new within the first 5 or 6 years! If the person who died was your soulmate, you don't get over them, and you don't move on to someone else. I might be one of the twenty people left who think this way!!

I told my then-husband a few years ago that I would appreciate it if he waited 5 years before he started dating (if I pass before him), so that it would at least LOOK like he still carried me in his heart! LOL

Thanks for letting me vent a bit.

@123SuzyQ123 I certainly understand your POV. Men, I've heard, have a hard time living alone and tend to marry rather quickly after a loss. As to my SIL, she cannot stand to be alone (without a man). I believe my brother was her fourth husband. From what I gather, she would get one lined up before leaving the last one. I know that sounds awful, but I don't hold it against her. She made my brother very happy in his last years and it partially made up for his 31 years with someone that didn't love him and treated him with no respect whatsoever, IMO.

Re: Finally Met My.............

123SuzyQ123 — Mon, 11 Dec 2017 00:53:12 GMT

@pattypeep, that makes you even more special in accepting her and her new husband, what with what you revealed. You are looking at it in the right way though, that if she gave your brother some happiness, that counts for a lot. Blessings to you.

Re: Finally Met My.............

pattypeep — Mon, 11 Dec 2017 01:00:16 GMT

@123SuzyQ123 THANK YOU !

Re: Finally Met My.............

Happiness Is Inside JOB — Mon, 11 Dec 2017 01:06:35 GMT

@Mominohio wrote:
@123SuzyQ123 wrote:
This topic brings up something totally different with me and I apologize for going off-topic for a bit. But when there has been a death, like @pattypeep brother, I cannot see how the spouse can even think of finding someone new within the first 5 or 6 years! If the person who died was your soulmate, you don't get over them, and you don't move on to someone else. I might be one of the twenty people left who think this way!!

I told my then-husband a few years ago that I would appreciate it if he waited 5 years before he started dating (if I pass before him), so that it would at least LOOK like he still carried me in his heart! LOL

Thanks for letting me vent a bit.

Everyone is different.

My mother has been a widow since 1979 and never even considered another man. She did indeed find her one and only.

Most relationships though, are not like that. I don't believe that there is only one person for us in this world. The world is huge, and there are so many people in it. I know there are many people who I could love and who could love me. I never have believed in a one and only soul mate.

Men in particular don't do well with being alone after loosing a spouse. I wouldn't take is as a bad thing should a man want to find someone new to spend his life with, after I'm gone. It just depends on how you look at it, but it can be because a spouse did so well caring for and loving the other, that the person surviving wants to have that love and relationship again.

When someone doesn't find a new mate/love, it might be because they really didn't have a good experience with the last one and choose to not do it again.

I agree with the comments above, many men can't wash clothes, cook, clean. Well let me correct myself, Some and Many men can't and don't want to learn how to take care of themselves .... Especially as they get older....So I have observed quite a few who get married quickly or at least start dating soon. I have never ever ever seen a man Wait 5-6 years. Many times people are dating privately so their family and friends might not "think" they are not dating and they are!

It does not mean they did not live their first wife. My husband is very dependent so I Expect he will be with someone quite soon after my passing. I am just being honest!

Re: Finally Met My.............

AuntG — Mon, 11 Dec 2017 01:11:30 GMT

The fact that you liked him is wonderful. He probably was a little nervous too.