topic Re: Fitting in?! in Among Friends

Fitting in?!

CherryHugs — Tue, 07 Nov 2017 13:08:41 GMT

I have a new step family for about a year now.

They are all married but me. I am divorced and not dating anyone.

When we all get together for holiday or birthdays I feel so out of place, like I dont fit in.

SOME of the reasons are: they are all married, they know each other of course and I am new to the family,

I am not good at small talk. I never know what to say to anyone in a group. I am not as shy as I used to be, used to be horribly shy. But still not good at talking to people when there is more than one lol.

I feel inferior because I dont have much money and they all have good jobs and super nice houses.

Is there any advice your can give me?? With the upcoming holidays I am not feeling so good about them.

Re: Fitting in?!

CalminHeart — Tue, 07 Nov 2017 13:04:55 GMT

Be you. You are just as worthy as anyone in the family. Please don't feel less than. You aren't.

Start by listening to them, laugh at jokes or funny stories, and show interest. Ask them about themselves, their work, etc. Eventually, you can add something about yourself to the mix.

I can't do small talk either. I'm horribly introverted, especially in new groups. People sometimes take my being quiet as being snotty or something. I have to find little ways to show interest. It's not easy for me but I have to do it or be left out.

I worked for a Fortune 500 company for nearly 40 years. I was horribly quiet, horrible on the phone, nervous with others, etc, when I started. I finally figured out that I had to put on a different personality at work. It took time. I forced myself to reach out and shake hands with others first. That usually broke the ice. Over time, I managed to do things I never thought I could.... public speaking, traveling to train the field force, working with state and federal regulators, and so much more.

I'm retired now but I work parttime in customer service at a grocery store. I still put on that same personality when I go to work. It's my alter-personality....the one I wish I had all the time.

Re: Fitting in?!

haddon9 — Tue, 07 Nov 2017 13:08:24 GMT

I think you're not feeling so great about yourself when you're with them. I understand how it must feel awful but I think you're focusing on what you lack rather than just having a nice time....unless you feel that they really aren't nice to you.

How do they treat you when you see them? I would try to just have a good time and find something positive in your life that maybe you could talk about when they ask about you.

Re: Fitting in?!

tends2dogs — Tue, 07 Nov 2017 13:10:29 GMT

What a great reply, @CalminHeart. There are good ideas in her post, @CherryHugs. Take them into consideration. I wish you the best in the upcoming holiday get togethers. Getting to know some of these new people may open up a whole new life or at least an opportunity. Just remember, there are MANY people out here like you.

Re: Fitting in?!

reiki604 — Tue, 07 Nov 2017 13:13:57 GMT

Going into the situation with the attitude you are showing is simply a guarantee that is the way you'll be seen. If you present yourself with confidence and warmth, that's how you'll be seen. Take pride it what you have accomplished for yourself. You don't need a spouse to validate yourself. You tried that and found you can do it on your own. THAT is an accomplishment in itself. So you don't have the financial resources of a couple.....whatever you have is a testament to what you are able to accomplish and the external trappings are just bs in any case.

Take pride in who you are. You owe no one anything and not being proficient in small talk just shows you have no interest in the shallow and mundane. You are the one they should engage in and if they don't it's their loss, not yours!

Re: Fitting in?!

CrazyDaisy — Tue, 07 Nov 2017 13:14:54 GMT

Would hope that since you are new to the group they would try to incluse you and make you feel welcome. If you are not comfortable in large groups talk to them individually till you get to know them better.

If you are happy with your life it should not matter is you are married or wealthy. If you are not happy with it then you are the only one who can change it.

Re: Fitting in?!

panda1234 — Tue, 07 Nov 2017 13:31:11 GMT

@CalminHeart wrote:
Be you. You are just as worthy as anyone in the family. Please don't feel less than. You aren't.

Start by listening to them, laugh at jokes or funny stories, and show interest. Ask them about themselves, their work, etc. Eventually, you can add something about yourself to the mix.

I can't do small talk either. I'm horribly introverted, especially in new groups. People sometimes take my being quiet as being snotty or something. I have to find little ways to show interest. It's not easy for me but I have to do it or be left out.

I worked for a Fortune 500 company for nearly 40 years. I was horribly quiet, horrible on the phone, nervous with others, etc, when I started. I finally figured out that I had to put on a different personality at work. It took time. I forced myself to reach out and shake hands with others first. That usually broke the ice. Over time, I managed to do things I never thought I could.... public speaking, traveling to train the field force, working with state and federal regulators, and so much more.

I'm retired now but I work parttime in customer service at a grocery store. I still put on that same personality when I go to work. It's my alter-personality....the one I wish I had all the time.

Excellent advice @CalminHeart. People ALWAYS love talking about themselves.

Re: Fitting in?!

Meowingkitty — Tue, 07 Nov 2017 13:31:40 GMT

I used to hate going to my husbands Christmas parties at his work. Thank God they finally stopped having them. I would rather have stayed home doing my laundry instead of going to them. Anyway I usually found a person or two that I could relate to who also didn’t want to be there. (It was usually another spouse who didn’t want to be there either). They were never fun for the spouses because the employees had their inside jokes and lingo and for the rest of us it was boring. There is usually someone else who feels the same way.

Re: Fitting in?!

Tshirtgal — Tue, 07 Nov 2017 13:46:23 GMT

I can totally relate to feeling you do not fit in. I married into my husband’s family who were opposite to my family. I had little in common with them so conversation and fitting in was always a challenge. After 34 years, I learned the following. I eventually found something in common with a few and made up my mind to gravitate to that person(s). Could be gardening, fashion, sports, decorating, travel, a chocolate or potato chip fetish, music. Remember that you are new to them too and they may be looking for something in common also. It is worth trying because you may be spending holidays, birthdays, and other events with them for years. And I made sure I had balance in how I spent holidays. I also had my family and special friends. So, don’t fight it, make the best of the few hours you are with them, and then move on (maybe even the same day) to others you enjoy. Looking back after 34 years, my relationships with them never changed or warmed but I am glad I was kind and respectful. Best wishes to you, my dear. I have a hunch you will figure this out and still be happy.

Re: Fitting in?!

dex — Tue, 07 Nov 2017 13:48:07 GMT

@CherryHugs First of all they invited you so that means that you matter to them.It isn't about money or nice things its people who have the value in life.Rich or poor people are still just people... nothing different except a bank account.

Compliment their houses if you if you feel they are beautiful,ask about their children or pets. ..getting to know them should be easy as you could imagine yourself interviewing them to be a friend.See what you can learn about them and how they make you feel welcome.

Re: Fitting in?!

bonnielu — Tue, 07 Nov 2017 13:49:55 GMT

I never fit in. Goes way back. Remembering just being alone. I hid basically behind my art or drawing or just taking pictures. One day in class I happened to say something funny and the teacher reprimanded ME. Cynthia the "unnice" girl next to me said... "I never liked you before because you were smart and now that I know you are funny you can be my friend." Needless to say I not only never forgot this, I had no intention of being friends with her but I did see "funny"as a way of hiding behind my shyness. There is more to this story. I was not popular or not vocal because I stuttered badly and was not "acceptable" to anyone. One day a teacher made a decision that would change my life. She PICKED ME TO STAND UP IN FRONT OF A LARGE GATHERING IN AN AUDITORIUM AND GIVE THE WELCOMING SPEECH. She told me to look out and not just see people but to see people who "all had issues or something to hide as well as something to share and I was not alone. Not going to believe this one. Last day in my life that I ever stuttered. I had a new outlook on life and my role in it. As young as I was I wanted to Pay it Forward. I became a teacher in her honor and to make a difference for JUST ONE CHILD. And just in case you are wondering there is not a host or vendor on air that can overtake me in chatter. Might just be they had experienced something that they overcame just like me.

Re: Fitting in?!

queendiva — Tue, 07 Nov 2017 13:51:26 GMT

@CherryHugs. The biggest problem is not you at all. It's history. They have history as a family, and it's not yours.

Be the one who asks the questions. Most people like to talk about themselves. What common ground do you have? Pets? That's always a good point to start a conversation. In addition, feel free to limit your visit with the "new" fam. Arrive just a little bit late and plan to leave early. Who knows, if it's going OK you may decide to stay a little longer. Have that "out" Be grateful to have family and that you are included. Not everyone enjoys that.

Do whatever boosts your confidence: get your hair done,get a mani, buy new shoes or a fun item of clothing or jewelry. Treat yourself well. No one of value thinks less of a woman who is divorced or has less "stuff". Your journey is ongoing; you have not reached the finish line. Get outside yourself and enjoy the company of others as best you can. Love yourself and the rest will follow.

Best wishes to you!

Re: Fitting in?!

software — Tue, 07 Nov 2017 14:01:26 GMT

So I'm guessing this is your mom's family or your dad's?

Just enjoy your time with them and don't even try to fit in.

You have no obligation to fit in. Just be your very sweet self then go your merry way.

Don't feel obligated to stay to the bitter end of any get-together. Make your appearance and politely leave.

I'm not a fitter-in-er myself. I have my own life and I don't want to fit in to anyone else's. I'm happy to attend a holiday party but like you, I go for the host and don't feel like I have to fit in. I'm not married to them, I don't even live with them.

People shouldn't ask rude questions of you to make you feel uncomfortable.

Just because someone appears to have a nice house or big money doesn't mean they are happy and fulfilled. Try to have some stock answers to steer the conversation away from topics that would make you feel uncomfortable. I hate being "interviewed" at any gathering. If someone asks about your job, turn it around and get them talking about themselves. Most people love to talk about themselves.

Or if you have a particular hobby or interest or anything that's kind of "neutral" answer with that when you are asked something too personal or too intrusive.

At a holiday party or birthday party , the subject of money or jobs or such should be off limits. There are other times for that.

I know how you feel, I live a very modest life for a reason, I'm not motivated by money which is odd in these times. So that gives me little to talk about if that seems to be the topic of conversation. I'm also not married but I whip out pics of grandkids at the drop of a hat. What's your passion? You can steer the questions and conversation to that.

@CherryHugs wrote:
I have a new step family for about a year now.

They are all married but me. I am divorced and not dating anyone.

When we all get together for holiday or birthdays I feel so out of place, like I dont fit in.

SOME of the reasons are: they are all married, they know each other of course and I am new to the family,
I am not good at small talk. I never know what to say to anyone in a group. I am not as shy as I used to be, used to be horribly shy. But still not good at talking to people when there is more than one lol.
I feel inferior because I dont have much money and they all have good jobs and super nice houses.

Is there any advice your can give me?? With the upcoming holidays I am not feeling so good about them.

Re: Fitting in?!

excpa — Tue, 07 Nov 2017 16:09:16 GMT

I'm hung up on "new step family". I don't understand.

Re: Fitting in?!

threecees — Tue, 07 Nov 2017 19:42:38 GMT

Smile alot.

Don't let them feel like their bragging, stories etc. make them a better person than you are.

Re: Fitting in?!

topcat10 — Tue, 07 Nov 2017 22:20:11 GMT

Rent a man!....go and have fun!

Re: Fitting in?!

hckynut — Tue, 07 Nov 2017 22:43:28 GMT

@CherryHugs

Be who you really are and have been. If your are a "talker" like myself, be yourself. If you are more introverted it is always better, in my opinion, to listen more and discuss or talk about the topics that seem of interest to them. I never talk about things I do not know, with the pretense of having others think I do.

Hey, I didn't get married till I was 62, and though I had no "step family", I had nieces and nephews with girlfriends and boyfriends I had never seen before. Not quite the same, but was also at our family get togethers, after they were married and had kids, who's names I could not remember.

Married/divorced/single or widowed, people are people and being unattached should not make a difference. Be who you are and don't get worked up over not dating. These are just this talkative person's ideas.

hckynut

Re: Fitting in?!

VaBelle35 — Tue, 07 Nov 2017 22:59:23 GMT

What I do for work is listen to what groups of people are talking about, like TV shows. One of the reasons I started watching Survivor, American Idol and The Bachelor is because my co-workers talked about these shows in the morning when they came in. It allowed me to join the conversation and not have to get into personal stuff or into topics that are not work appropriate.

Listen to what they like to do for fun (movies, books, tv, football) and see if any of those things are something you can speak to.

You just need to find that common ground that you or most of you share and build from there.

Re: Fitting in?!

Lapdog — Wed, 08 Nov 2017 03:27:15 GMT

@bonnielu BRAVO!!!!!!!!! If each of us can help just one person.

Re: Fitting in?!

Lapdog — Wed, 08 Nov 2017 03:33:23 GMT

@CherryHugsPut on a nice smile that includes your eyes.

Think of something simple to compliment a person with. If you want to engage with someone, ask a question.

Then sit back and let them talk. It will help take some of the pressure off.

Best wishes on your new adventure!!!