topic Re: Temper, temper, temper in Among Friends

Temper, temper, temper

Vivian — Sat, 23 Sep 2017 20:53:56 GMT

When I met my husband over 50 years ago, he had a bad temper. As quickly as he lost it, he regretted it and apologized. His father was the same so I suppose that's where he learned it. Just like my mother-in-law, I learned to deal with the outbursts because they were short-lived and meaningless. In every other way, he has always been a devoted, loving, doting, supportive husband, father and grandfather. Over time, the temper calmed. He stopped losing his cool over every little thing.

However, now my husband is in the very early stages of dementia. I'm noticing that the bad temper is re-emerging. I know that can be part of the illness, even in people who never had a bad temper. I am concerned about just how bad this may become. When I talk to the neurologist, all he ever says is call the local association. I don't know if anyone out there has dealt with this and can offer advice. I WILL definitely contact our local Alzheimer's Association but I am probably going to have knee replacement surgery this year and I'm worried about his ability to handle it. By the way, my husband doesn't think anything is wrong with him. He says that his doctor is a donkey's orifice (can't write out the actual word) and that I exaggerate his memory loss.

Re: Temper, temper, temper

Snowpuppy — Sat, 23 Sep 2017 20:58:22 GMT

I think his anger may be his frustration in dealing with his disease. He doesn't believe anything is wrong but he knows he can't function like he used to.

If tkr is scheduled, please find someone who can look after you, take you to therapy, prepare meals, etc while you recover.

He can no longer look after you.

Re: Temper, temper, temper

Plaid Pants2 — Sat, 23 Sep 2017 21:23:28 GMT

That's the thing about Alzheimer's/dementia, the patient forgets that they have it.

It's not that they are in denial, or are dealing with not being the person that they once were.

It's just that they flat out don't know, don't remember being diagnosed with it.

Even the late Glen Campbell said in an interview, "I have Alz.....Alz....."

His wife finished for him by saying, "Alzheimer's."

Glen then said, "Alzheimer's. Really? I feel fine."

To them, they see the world as being against them.

They simply don't understand.

Yes, personalities can and do change.

If I could recommend anything, it would be to find a support group for caregivers of Alzheimer's/dementia patients.

Also, as much as you may hate the idea, know that sooner rather than later, he will need to be placed in a residential care facility, that specializes in memory loss patients.

You cannot afford the luxury of being in denial.

You have to be 100% honest with yourself about the reality of the situation.

Lastly, you need to take his car keys away from him.

He's already had one accident, the next time he could seriously injure or kill someone.

Yes, he'll throw a fit.

Let him.

Just walk away when he does.

It's bettet that he's cheesed off, than him killing some innocent person.

Tell his doctor in private, that you want him to notify the DMV to revoke his license, because he's not a safe driver anymore.

Because the truth is, he isn't.

Good luck.

Re: Temper, temper, temper

Moonchilde — Sat, 23 Sep 2017 21:43:11 GMT

Yes, anger - and violence in the previously non-violent - is often a function of Alzheimers. It's a widely known symptom. It happened with my stepfather. He was the biggest chicken-**** on the planet and was normally quiet as a mouse - but he started raising his voice and raised a hand a couple of times to my mother as if he would hit her if she "provoked" him any more.

OP, I would do whatever you have to do (talk with friends and family, the Alzheimers Assoc, your local hospital's discharge planner whose job it is to advise people in these situations) to be sure that you have the proper help after your surgery. That might be visiting nurses or in-home PT, but ideally, what many do` is a short rehab & training in a facility where you will be given all the care & help you need.

I would also try very hard to insure that you are not left alone 24/7 with your husband until you are comfortably back on your feet and steady again. And be prepared for the fact that you having surgery and being away, even for a few days, might speed the progression of the disease. I don't say that for any reason other than it too is a well-known happening with Alzheimers ad it's not your fault. What will happen, will happen, as far as your husband. You can't change it or stop it, and you're not responsible for what happens or doesn't happen.

I wish you much luck in this, and feel for you. It's very difficult for a caregiver when the person is not yet in a stage where it's obvious to everyone and there's a concensus for controlled care. You just don't get the help needed; too many blow-offs, which is so depressing.

Re: Temper, temper, temper

Katcat1 — Sat, 23 Sep 2017 21:56:35 GMT

@Vivian, I am so sorry your husband has dementia. I personally would not bring that up to him. If his temper really flares and it is difficult to handle you really need to seek help from somewhere. I know one person with dementia but he is an easy going person and he is aware of his disease but there are certain things he does not remember at this point. I really wish you the best because I know it cannot be easy for you and bless your husband during this difficult time. Take care.

Re: Temper, temper, temper

jackthebear — Sat, 23 Sep 2017 22:03:10 GMT

@Snowpuppy wrote:
I think his anger may be his frustration in dealing with his disease. He doesn't believe anything is wrong but he knows he can't function like he used to.

If tkr is scheduled, please find someone who can look after you, take you to therapy, prepare meals, etc while you recover.

He can no longer look after you.

Yr surgeon needs to know about yr home situation before surgery so that yr recovery and rehab is not compromised

Re: Temper, temper, temper

GCR18 — Sat, 23 Sep 2017 22:26:17 GMT

My sister was diagnosed with dementia in January. She is 54, divorced and has two teenagers. She is a relatively calm person. She turned into a demanding, suspicious, angry person. I had to become her conservator. We were told by the drs that she needed 24/7 care, so we had to place her in a home. She was thrown out of the home after four days because of her temper. We scrambled to find another home. She was there two days before they sent her to the hospital for a 72 hour psychiatric lockdown. She ended up staying a week.

Once back at the home, she was cool as a cucumber. The Drs found the right combination of medications that helped her temper. Talk with the Dr about a prescription that will calm him down. That will enable him to stay at home longer. We may have gone a different route if we knew the medication would have calmed her down 200%.

I don't know that life will be the same again. My sister calls me numerous times day and wants to know when she can go home. You may want to do research now on on what your options are. would you want someone to come to your home? Would a facility be a better choice? If things turn quickly, you know what your choices are. In the area where my sister lives, there were long waiting lists on the better facilities. I wish you the best as you take this on.

Re: Temper, temper, temper

SeaMaiden — Sat, 23 Sep 2017 23:58:24 GMT

@Vivian So sorry you are having to deal with this horrible illness.

Re: Temper, temper, temper

blackhole99 — Sat, 23 Sep 2017 23:59:17 GMT

When my Dad was young he had a hair trigger of a bad temper and he was also very mean and angry. When he got old and sick and eventually got dementia, he was the nicest guy and very mello. Too bad we couldn't appreciate it.

Re: Temper, temper, temper

RedTop — Sun, 24 Sep 2017 00:22:28 GMT

Based on what I've seen and heard, I'm afraid you are in for difficult days as your husbands dementia progresses.

My best friends uncle was a kind, sweet, gentle man, but in the years between dementia and the Alzheimer's diagnosis, he turned into a pyromaniac, and set several fires inside the house. My friends aunt never knew where her husband found the matches he used to start the fires.

My great aunt was an escape artist when she was diagnosed with advanced dementia. She still thought she had to go to work, and would take off flying in her Ford Escort. Every time my cousins thought they had all of the keys to the car, my aunt would sneak out and take off again, so they finally sold the car and gave the new owner 5 sets of keys!

A distant cousin had one of the fastest progressions of Alzheimer's I've ever seen. Within 3 months of his diagnosis, his wife could no longer care for him at home because of his violent behavior. He went from mild and meek into a raging bull and hurt her several times. He died in the first month in an Alzheimer's unit, about 4 months after his diagnosis.

Your husband is going to change into someone totally different from the man you've known for 50 years. One day right in the midst of him seeming to do everything as normal as always, he will do something that totally shocks you.

As someone who has had a knee replacement, and is getting ready for my second, I will be straight forward and say I wouldn't trust your husband to be the support you're going to need. I wouldn't trust him to drive to the hospital, be home alone while you're in the hospital, or drive you to PT and followup appts.

My husband knows how much I am depending on him to help me recover a second time. It took 3 days of PT and a full week after surgery before I could raise my leg on my own to get in and out of my vehicle the first time. My blood was so thin when I left the hospital, the doctor told my husband I was not allowed to do anything where I might get a cut or scratch; I didn't even cut the meat on my plate for 2 weeks. I needed my husband to lift the CPM onto the bed twice a day for me to exercise my knee. My husband knows what he's going to have to do to help me, and knows I will make it easier for him with my early preparations.

Re: Temper, temper, temper

Snowpuppy — Sun, 24 Sep 2017 00:47:47 GMT

@Vivian There are a lot of frightening stories here and every person's progression is different. My grandmother was kind until the end of her cognitive days.

Find a support group if you haven't done so. Look into a drop in care for him, someplace he can go for an hour or two and give you a much needed break.

Above all, care for yourself!

Re: Temper, temper, temper

Moonchilde — Sun, 24 Sep 2017 01:37:06 GMT

@Snowpuppy wrote:
@Vivian There are a lot of frightening stories here and every person's progression is different. My grandmother was kind until the end of her cognitive days.

Find a support group if you haven't done so. Look into a drop in care for him, someplace he can go for an hour or two and give you a much needed break.

Above all, care for yourself!

No one here is trying to scare the OP for no reason. She posted for a reason - her husband already has a history of violent anger and she's already seen signs of that returning/ramping up. That's why she posted.

People are suggesting she not underestimate the possibility, and safeguard herself and make sure her TKR recovery goes as it should. She needs to be in a place (physically and emotionally) where her recovery goes as smoothly as possible.

Re: Temper, temper, temper

Big Sister — Sun, 24 Sep 2017 02:41:05 GMT

Oh, Vivian, I am so sorry to hear about your DH's dementia. My DH lived only three years after his Alz. diagnosis. He was always a quiet, mellow man and he never changed, thank God.

It is SO important that you get connected with your local Alzheimer's Assn. They were very helpful to me and him.

Re: Temper, temper, temper

AuntG — Sun, 24 Sep 2017 10:29:56 GMT

Being that he won't accept his diagnosis, I'm curious about whether he would be willing to take medication. Someone else mentioned that finding the right combination could help mello his bad temper. I feel very sorry for you because this can be a long illness.

Re: Temper, temper, temper

Vivian — Sun, 24 Sep 2017 13:07:51 GMT

I thank all of you for taking the time to give me your words of experience, wisdom, and advice. I've already followed several suggestions mentioned and will likely follow more in the near future. My husband has been on Aricept for the past year and his neurologist, whom we're seeing in a couple of weeks, told us he can add another medication, which I suspect he'll do when we see him. My husband was never violent; he just shot off his mouth at anything that disturbed him. Over the years he finally learned to react more appropriately to stress. Now I fear his younger self is re-emerging. Too bad his younger memory can't follow suit.

Re: Temper, temper, temper

hckynut — Sun, 24 Sep 2017 17:59:04 GMT

@Vivian

I have never dealt directly with anyone that was clinically diagnosed with dementia. Been around some long time friends that seem different when it comes to more recent things we spoke about, and next time I see them, they don't even remember the conversation. I am talking a week or so, not months.

Far be it from me to mention that word unless I see it could be a danger to them. They are married and I will leave that up to them and their spouses to discuss. I do understand that males, more than likely, are more prone to denial then the female gender.

If you husband has never exhibited verbal abuse during his "temper" times, if that does appear now, I would be concerned. Not having any direct experience with this I am only adding my comments as maybe food for thought.

Best to you in dealing with this, and also to your husband.

hckynut(john)

Re: Temper, temper, temper

Imaoldhippie — Sun, 24 Sep 2017 19:43:23 GMT

I myself believe that a bad temper is in the DNA and not learned. IMHO your husband (much to his credit) learned to control it over the years. One of the first signs of dementia is temper and rage. It will only get worse, sorry to say, and his denial with continue. Thats all part of Alzheimers. You are going to have a rough row to hoe. God bless you.

Re: Temper, temper, temper

Moonchilde — Sun, 24 Sep 2017 22:32:02 GMT

Hang in there, @Vivian. Thank you for coming back to update everyone. We're here for you. It has to be not only super-stressful without your TKR, but add that into the mix and - I really hope you're able to get a support system surrounding you both emotionally and physically, before surgery and after, because you'll need it going forward.

Re: Temper, temper, temper

tansy — Mon, 25 Sep 2017 00:01:38 GMT

Is there anyone who can come over at mealtimes at the very least to help you out after the knee surgery, @Vivian? Just getting a plate of food over to the table is problematic.

Re: Temper, temper, temper

Daysdee — Mon, 25 Sep 2017 00:13:40 GMT

All I can say is prayers are being said for both of you. You will definitely need help after your knee surgery. Questionable if he can be alone while you are in the hospital. You will have to make more preparations ahead of time.