topic What do you think about this? in Among Friends

What do you think about this?

Quse — Sun, 10 Sep 2017 14:57:44 GMT

I just received an invitation (well, an Evite) to a bridal shower.
I'm old school and formalities for things like weddings, baby showers, bridal showers, imho, should have formal invitations sent snail mail. I know we're in the 21st century, I know people do what they want, and there are no "rules", but that's a huge pet peeve.

The other pet peeve is: the bridal shower for a 2nd wedding.
Both the bride and the groom are well established, both have their own houses, appliances, etc...and earn very good incomes.
I always think of a bridal shower as helping a couple start out, buying things that they probably couldn't afford otherwise...this couple has stuff upon stuff already.
I don't know why this is bothering me so much. I don't care about the 2nd marriage, I have many other friends on 2nd, even 3rd marriages (none had bridal showers). They just got re-married, I went to the wedding, gave them gifts, wished them well, end of story. I like both the bride and groom, so it's not a personalites thing.
I really don't want to go to this bridal shower (truthfully, I hate them anyway). I've been trying to tell myself it's just a party, go, see friends, have a good time and well wish, but for some reason, it's bothering me.

Re: What do you think about this?

proudlyfromNJ — Sun, 10 Sep 2017 15:04:18 GMT

What do I think? I think you don't approve and don't want to go. Very easy, send your regrets and stay home.

Re: What do you think about this?

Love my grandkids — Sun, 10 Sep 2017 15:06:11 GMT

Being that you are against showers for 2nd weddings, don't go. Your attitude would likely be obvious. Stay home and don't fret about it.

I do NOT mean this in a nasty way. But our feelings DO show in situations like this even if we try to hide them. No point in going to something you don't agree with. You wouldn't have a good time and the bride to be would likely pick up on your feelings.

Send a nice congratulatory card. What if one of the parties was widowed and this was a 2nd marriage? Would you feel this same? Just curious...

Re: What do you think about this?

RedTop — Sun, 10 Sep 2017 15:11:52 GMT

I too hate showers, and look at this particular situation exactly as you are looking at it. I personally would not attend, simply because the attitude I already have about the situation is going to worsen when I see that the actual shower is indeed the gift grab situation I expect it to be. I would just send a card with handwritten wishes for happiness, and let it go.

Re: What do you think about this?

KentuckyWoman — Sun, 10 Sep 2017 15:12:38 GMT

I wouldn't spend a lot of time fretting over it. If it is bothering you that much, email your congratulations and send regrets that you won't be attending. I am old school too by the way. I don't mind if people design and print their own invitations but I draw the line when they email instead of USPS. We are a dying breed.

Re: What do you think about this?

Q4u — Sun, 10 Sep 2017 15:13:51 GMT

You have every right to feel as you do about the formalities of every event you've mentioned however why deprive yourself the pleasure of seeing all your friends because of it? Also, some of your friends may remember your "stand" not to go because of how you feel...

Personally, if it were me, I'd go and enjoy the party and people there. I'd give to charity in the names off the bride and groom and perhaps make some kind of framed certificate telling them the name/names of the charities, date, occasion, etc.

Of course, it's all up to you ......

Re: What do you think about this?

qualitygal — Sun, 10 Sep 2017 15:20:41 GMT

Devil's advocate here: if I had an attitude and felt that many negative feelings, I wouldn't go and ruin everyone's day. Yours and all the others. Real easy to figure out.

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Juniper2 — Sun, 10 Sep 2017 15:22:45 GMT

I understand what you are saying. Showers were meant to help people get started. They were meant to be a one time event, as were marriages. Once you have the necessities, I don't understand the point of a shower. No one is against a wedding, be it a first or a third. It it were me, I would skip the shower and send a monetary wedding gift if I did not want to attend.

Re: What do you think about this?

Krimpette — Sun, 10 Sep 2017 15:30:40 GMT

Wonder what kind of gifts they are requesting, since they're already established and obviously not in need of any traditional shower gifts, from what the OP said. And I agree......I HATE e-vites!!!!!!!!!! To me, it's just the "lazy" way out. (I know, I, too, am old-fashioned.....and PROUD OF IT!!!!)

Re: What do you think about this?

stevieb — Sun, 10 Sep 2017 15:37:59 GMT

@Quse I get it... I tend to think bridal showers are for the first time around... After that, it seems sort of iffy. I wouldn't have a problem with the invitation to a shower being via email, but agree with you that invitations to the wedding itself should be, well, real invitations. It's bothering you so don't go. There's no reason to feel compelled to attend. Were I in your shoes, I'd send an email back... and nicely decline citing a prior commitment. I'd also note my hope that the event goes well and that everyone enjoys. I wouldn't send a gift. Should you later be invited to the wedding, then you can send a gift.

Re: What do you think about this?

I am still oxox — Sun, 10 Sep 2017 15:36:05 GMT

In all honesty it is not that horrible, it is their choice how they celebrate their nuptials

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phoenixbrd — Sun, 10 Sep 2017 15:38:16 GMT

@Quse You appear to be struggling with your real feelings about the event and an obligation. Life is short too short to please others at your own expense. I agree, either send a card expressing regrets or decide that the friendship warrants a bridal shower so you will go and enjoy the occasion and don't give it any more time in your life. Spend a few minutes to decide priorities, act on it, and move on. It is the struggle that is wearing.

Re: What do you think about this?

PamelaSue72 — Sun, 10 Sep 2017 15:43:43 GMT

My nephew had a very fancy wedding for his first marriage, which ended in divorce. When he got married the second time (to a woman who was also divorced), that wedding was very nice, but lower key.

The bride's mother did have a wedding shower for her daughter, even though it was her second marriage. She said she had never had a shower for her first wedding and so she wanted to give her a shower this time. They are both professionals with good-paying jobs and they really didn't need anything. I think the shower was simply because she had never had one. I remember thinking that everything on the gift list was terribly expensive....at least I thought so.

I didn't go to the shower; it was in a neighboring state and, at the time, we had other things going on. I sent my regrets, but did give a shower gift (a gift certificate in our price range). We did go to the wedding (in that same neighboring state). We had to arrange for petsitter for the cats and boarding for the dog.

I like my nephew's second wife more (much more, actually) than I did his first. She's a sweetie.

I guess the bottom line is that you do what you want to do. Obviously it really bothers you.

Re: What do you think about this?

NicksmomESQ — Sun, 10 Sep 2017 15:41:35 GMT

I understand & agree with you.Life is to short.Do what you feel you need to.You should have no regrets !!

Re: What do you think about this?

q-girl — Sun, 10 Sep 2017 15:45:33 GMT

@Quse. . . . While I agree with you regarding the method of invitation, I respectfully disagree about the reason for the bridal shower.

I agree that for an event as important and joyful as a bridal shower, a written invitation should be sent, with a proper RSVP expected in return. Perhaps you could send a subtle sign of your feelings by responding with a hand written RSVP.

On on the other hand, while a bridal shower may have originally been intended to help a young couple start a household, today many couples, even in first marriages have been living either on their own or together, and have many or all of the things they need to set up house. A bridal shower, IMO, is also an occasion to celebrate with the bride, and those family and friends who love and care about her and her groom, and to wish her well on her upcoming "new" life.

If, as you say, you really do like both the bride and the groom, and you are truly happy that they are getting married, then by all means attend the shower, and celebrate their joy. As for a gift, be creative. Present the couple with a special bottle of wine or champagne, or a gift certificate for a nice dinner at a favorite restaurant, or even a gift card to a local home store such as Lowes or Home Depot if they already own a home. Try to think of something that an established couple might enjoy. Either way, have fun and honor your friends' commitment to their loving future.

Hugs. . .

Re: What do you think about this?

sunshine45 — Sun, 10 Sep 2017 15:46:27 GMT

i see absolutely nothing wrong with EVITES or with second bridal showers and if it were me i would attend and take a gift. if you dont feel comfortable going, then dont go......pretty simple. it really depends on how you feel and if you want to help them celebrate.

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Silver Fox1 — Mon, 11 Sep 2017 22:50:54 GMT

I couldn't agree with you more ! Stop fretting about it and just sent regrets.

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TheMemphisVette — Sun, 10 Sep 2017 15:48:53 GMT

I too think this is odd. But then, it seems I am at odds with so much of what goes on. Age? Maybe. Value changes? Maybe.

I try hard to have tolerance for things done differently than I would do them. Otherwise, I would participate in very little.

Re: What do you think about this?

kaydee50 — Sun, 10 Sep 2017 15:53:45 GMT

I see nothing wrong with Evites. I'm in my mid 60s and email is one of the few things I like about the 21st century! It is easy and quick to respond.

I agree that having a second bridal shower for a second marriage is a bit tacky. I would email my regrets. As far as seeing your friends, I doubt anyone will miss you and you can catch up with them on your own terms in the future.

BTW I hate going to any bridal shower (baby showers are even worse). There is nothing more boring than watching someone open up presents for hours on end.

Re: What do you think about this?

Mom2Dogs — Sun, 10 Sep 2017 15:55:29 GMT

@TheMemphisVette....I agree with you and feel at odds a lot these days.

DH and I are struggling with a family 'thing'....I will not post about it because it would be a feeding frenzy and I would be the one being feasted upon....are feelings have been hurt by a family member and we are not wanting to compromise....yet....this stuff gets old after a while.