topic Re: PAGING @SFNATIVE in Among Friends

PAGING @SFNATIVE

CAcableGirl2 — Sat, 26 Aug 2017 04:08:54 GMT

Hoping you are doing well, as I thought you mentioned some upcoming positive changes to your situation in August.

Don't mean to pry, just letting you know you are in my thoughts and sending good wishes to you.

Re: PAGING @SFNATIVE

Lindsays Grandma — Sat, 26 Aug 2017 04:43:10 GMT

I hope she is well and safe. Looking forward to hearing from her too, I'll keep watching.

Re: PAGING @SFNATIVE

LTT1 — Sat, 26 Aug 2017 10:43:02 GMT

https://community.qvc.com/t5/Wellness/When-they-said-my-pain-might-be-worse-after-the-L4-5-epidural/td-p/4030026

new thread she started

Re: PAGING @SFNATIVE

dooBdoo — Sat, 26 Aug 2017 10:58:23 GMT

What a sweet thread, @CAcableGirl2!❤️ The "@ plus nickname" doesn't generate a notification from the subject line, so I'll add her name here to let her know about this thread.

@sfnative, I'm so grateful to see you've been posting. We all were so terribly concerned. You've been in my heart and my prayers, my friend. Please take good care of yourself.❤️ (((hugs)))

Re: PAGING @SFNATIVE

sfnative — Sat, 26 Aug 2017 16:43:37 GMT

@CAcableGirl2 @dooBdoo @LTT1 @Lindsays Grandma

Thank you all for thinking of me, especially dooBdoo for paging me.

Have not posted much lately if at all, due to back and leg pain while seated and with computer at the ready. Not happy about that. But, had an epidural yesterday. We're hoping that will provide relief. However, my ortho spine doc indicated if it doesn't, then its use as a diagnostic tool will have proved its worth. He's talking about a possible lateral fusion.

My husband's temper just keeps on truckin'on. We were out driving somewhere 2 days ago and suddenly came upon road work where several plates had been placed to cover holes. Because he was going about 45 mph, our car jumped up and down, ramping up my back pain something fierce. I grabbed onto the overhead handle and lurched forward to get my back away from the seat, as this helps, and he starts yelling at me.

The ridiculous thing about this is there was no reason to yell at me - none at all. I looked at him and once again told him, "Stop-yelling-at-me. I'm sick and tired of it."

During the past 6 months, I had kept my daughter aprised of his juvenille actions toward our 3.5 year old granddaughter, which always placed me in a bad light and was at least mildly to moderately abusive to her. Plus, if she did something that he didn't like, he would stare her down until she looked at the floor. Once she looked up, he'd stare her down again. This would go on for 15 minutes, after which time he would "ask" her if she realized that tossing her shoe wasn't a good thing to do. Instead of having a conversation with her at the moment of tossing of the shoe, he gets involved in his power play and even bragged about it to our daughter when we dropped our granddaughter off that evening. That's just one of the less harmful examples. However, having kept my daughter and son-in-law abreast of these outbursts, they have decided that my husband's behavior is not tolerable and I agree. So, we will no longer be able to have her with us for day long stays. We can pick her up from pre-school, etc., but no more longer stays. It took some doing to come up with an excuse that would appease my husband and keep his suspicions down, I can tell you.

And, where am I in the scheme of things? Since I last posted, the physical me has thrown a huge curve. There is a real possibility of having 2 surgeries in the next 18 months, which I cannot do alone. During a left total knee in May of 2014, the surgeon injured 2 major nerves in my left leg and also the insertion of the ITB. This caused my left foot to be numb and paralyzed my toes, plus moderate nerve pain. The ITB insertion issue has increased two-fold in the last 3 months. My sports medicine doc is now inclined to refer me to an ortho doc specializing in revision surgeries (he would removed the left knee implant, attempt to locate the tibial nerve [the bad one], re-anastomose it, do the same to the sural nerve and repair the insertion or clean up the insertion of the ITB, if possible. It's hard to say what's going on until you get in there. The other is the intractable pain at L4-5, due to nerve compression of foramen origin.

Bottom line is that I believe I need to get my body better before I can get the rest of me better, if this is indeed possible. If my physicians tell me, in the end, that I must live with the pain and disability, then so be it. I'll then be moving on to that phase of my life of which we spoke at length earlier. To that end, I'm trying my best to be calm and meditative. However, I am being more forward and reative when it comes to his outbursts, letting him know that he's out of line and to back down.

Thank you so much for caring. Please know that I think of all of you all the time.

XXX

Re: PAGING @SFNATIVE

Drythe — Sat, 26 Aug 2017 19:50:06 GMT

@sfnative

Thinking of you and wishing you all the best.

{{{{{soft hugs}}}}}

Re: PAGING @SFNATIVE

hckynut — Sat, 26 Aug 2017 22:25:27 GMT

@CAcableGirl2

Might want to post this on the Wellness Forum also. She @sfnative visits there pretty regularly.

hckynut(john)

Re: PAGING @SFNATIVE

AuntG — Sun, 27 Aug 2017 01:56:21 GMT

@sfnative your update is somewhat heartbreaking, but I totally agree with the decision that was reached regarding the little one. For now, I think you should politely assert yourself reminding him that you do not feel well and should not be talked to in that manner.

Re: PAGING @SFNATIVE

Lindsays Grandma — Sun, 27 Aug 2017 02:41:32 GMT

sfnative...I am so sorry for the physical issues you are going through. I had three back surgeries, all failures, sciatica pain in my right leg, continuing back pain and now hip pain from surgery in 2015. I know what it is like to live with severe pain on a daily basis and the the pain medication I am prescribed doesn't do very much in relieving it.

But this post is not about me, it is about you. If you indeed have to have surgeries, living with a person who causes you stress and aggravation will hinder your recovery. After surgery a person requires rest in order to heal. When I had my surgeries if I had been living with my then husband who would beat me whenever he drank I can't imagine what would have happened to me after my surgeries.

Do you have family close to where you live? Is there any way at all possible you can live with a family member until you are well enough to be on your own? Your husband, from everything you have told us here on the boards doesn't have to hit you to hurt you, he just has to look at you or say terrible things to cause you misery and fear. Have you told your doctors about him? I can assure you they would be concerned if they knew about his abuse when they discharge you from the hospital knowing you are going home where you will be mistreated.

Do you really think he will help you when you ask for it? Will he assist you in and out of bed or a chair when you need it? Will he bring you a glass of water so you can take your medication? You won't be walking on your own when you leave the hospital, you will have a walker, will he have the patience to wait for you because you aren't walking fast enough? Will he drive you to your doctor appointments and fold the walker and put in the car or will you have to do it yourself?

You will need tender loving care after surgery. Please, please think very carefully about your decision to stay with him during a very critical time. If he can be so cruel as to stare down a three year old he will have no problem being cruel to you. You know what he is capable of, after all you have been with him a long time.

Please forgive me if I am out of line here, I am going by your posts and what you have said about your husband. I am worried about you even though I don't know you. I was married to an abuser and had the courage to divorce him after four years because I didn't want our daughter and my daughter from my first marriage to live in that kind of environment, nor did I want to die.

If you stay with him I wish you all the luck in the world and hope you have a plan should his behavior be more than you can live with. Hopefully all will go well. Should you have the surgeries the doctors have discussed with you I will pray for success and a speedy recovery. I wish you all the best, you deserve it, you have suffered enough. God Bless you. ((((HUGS))))

Re: PAGING @SFNATIVE

sfnative — Sun, 27 Aug 2017 04:24:10 GMT

@Lindsays Grandma

Please know I totally get and understand what you're telling and sharing with me.

He would not "care" for me post-op in the sense you've mentioned, but he would help and get things done. Nothing is written in stone regarding either of the surgeries to date. However, things should become much clearer in the next 1-2 months. I'm well aware of the failure rate of back surgeries, as I worked in that particular field for some years. Right now I'm living with Level 6 pain and would like to really, really not want to envision the remainder of my life in that condition. We'll see.

If surgery for knee or back comes into the picture, I honestly don't know that I could impose on my daughter and son-in-law. They both have careers which keep them tied up all day for long hours and my daughter also on Saturdays.

The way I figure it is that I've some hard decisions to make as the year closes. I want to say more, but cannot sit any longer. Will be back to you perhaps Monday.

Thanks so much for being here for me.

Re: PAGING @SFNATIVE

AuntG — Sun, 27 Aug 2017 12:27:59 GMT

Some powerful words were written by @Lindsays Grandma, I was thinking along those same lines regarding post-operative care. Luckily @sfnative is very aware of what she faces and is not in denial about what lies ahead. For just one day, I wish her husband could live with that kind of physical pain.

Re: PAGING @SFNATIVE

Plaid Pants2 — Sun, 27 Aug 2017 11:11:03 GMT

@Lindsays Grandma wrote:
sfnative...I am so sorry for the physical issues you are going through. I had three back surgeries, all failures, sciatica pain in my right leg, continuing back pain and now hip pain from surgery in 2015. I know what it is like to live with severe pain on a daily basis and the the pain medication I am prescribed doesn't do very much in relieving it.

But this post is not about me, it is about you. If you indeed have to have surgeries, living with a person who causes you stress and aggravation will hinder your recovery. After surgery a person requires rest in order to heal. When I had my surgeries if I had been living with my then husband who would beat me whenever he drank I can't imagine what would have happened to me after my surgeries.

Do you have family close to where you live? Is there any way at all possible you can live with a family member until you are well enough to be on your own? Your husband, from everything you have told us here on the boards doesn't have to hit you to hurt you, he just has to look at you or say terrible things to cause you misery and fear. Have you told your doctors about him? I can assure you they would be concerned if they knew about his abuse when they discharge you from the hospital knowing you are going home where you will be mistreated.

Do you really think he will help you when you ask for it? Will he assist you in and out of bed or a chair when you need it? Will he bring you a glass of water so you can take your medication? You won't be walking on your own when you leave the hospital, you will have a walker, will he have the patience to wait for you because you aren't walking fast enough? Will he drive you to your doctor appointments and fold the walker and put in the car or will you have to do it yourself?

You will need tender loving care after surgery. Please, please think very carefully about your decision to stay with him during a very critical time. If he can be so cruel as to stare down a three year old he will have no problem being cruel to you. You know what he is capable of, after all you have been with him a long time.

Please forgive me if I am out of line here, I am going by your posts and what you have said about your husband. I am worried about you even though I don't know you. I was married to an abuser and had the courage to divorce him after four years because I didn't want our daughter and my daughter from my first marriage to live in that kind of environment, nor did I want to die.

If you stay with him I wish you all the luck in the world and hope you have a plan should his behavior be more than you can live with. Hopefully all will go well. Should you have the surgeries the doctors have discussed with you I will pray for success and a speedy recovery. I wish you all the best, you deserve it, you have suffered enough. God Bless you. ((((HUGS))))

There is not only that, but her husband's dementia is getting worse by the day. And that is what is causing him to act the way that he does.

One solution to when he throws a fit, is to just leave the room.

That's what I do when my dad gets like that.

I refuse to put up with it, so I don't, and I just simply leave.

It's better for both of us when I do that.

Re: PAGING @SFNATIVE

CAcableGirl2 — Sun, 27 Aug 2017 14:02:19 GMT

@sfnative remember, the most important thing you have right now is a sound mind and others who support you and want only the best for you. You can get through this if you just keep focused on the future. If you have to endure him a few months until you get healthly, just be sure that he isn't affecting your recovery, and take these extra few weeks to continue to make your plans for the future.

If it becomes a situation where your well being is in immediate danger or he becomes physically abusive, you must get out of there. Call the authorities, tell a doctor, tell a relative, whatever it takes, you have to heal in a safe environment.

Remain strong and put your energy into healing and once you are at a point where you can safely plan your exit, don't hesitate. There is a whole new world waiting for you out there!

Re: PAGING @SFNATIVE

LTT1 — Sun, 27 Aug 2017 15:19:15 GMT

@sfnative

WOW I am very sorry to hear about the additional stresss! I did not deal well with my dad's mental changes as he aged, but I certainly did notice them (sad). My DH demonstrates a few of the more irritable angry-type actions, but he reverts quickly back to himself. He is also able to recognize and revert when reminded. My dad surpassed this level toward the end.

I hope you have a way to get the care that you need. What you don't need is someone driving who lurches the car.

Wish someone was there for you who is able-bodied and caring.

The fact of your little granddaughter would be heart-breaking, but what is chosen for kids is that we do the best we can out of love for them.

@CAcableGirl2

Thank you you so much for sending out a page for sfnative as I keep an eye out for updates and fear that I miss them.

Re: PAGING @SFNATIVE

Plaid Pants2 — Sun, 27 Aug 2017 18:34:11 GMT

@CAcableGirl2 wrote:
@sfnative remember, the most important thing you have right now is a sound mind and others who support you and want only the best for you. You can get through this if you just keep focused on the future. If you have to endure him a few months until you get healthly, just be sure that he isn't affecting your recovery, and take these extra few weeks to continue to make your plans for the future.

If it becomes a situation where your well being is in immediate danger or he becomes physically abusive, you must get out of there. Call the authorities, tell a doctor, tell a relative, whatever it takes, you have to heal in a safe environment.

Remain strong and put your energy into healing and once you are at a point where you can safely plan your exit, don't hesitate. There is a whole new world waiting for you out there!

@CAcableGirl2

I hear what you are saying, and you are right, the o/p's health must be a priority.

But, don't forget that her husband has dementia, and he isn't going to get any better, and while her safety is important, you also can't leave a person with worsening dementia alone all by themselves.

If she has to leave because he is physically abusing her, then it will be time to put HIM in a home, where there will be trained, qualified people to take care of him, and can deal with his outbursts.

That would be the only solution that would be best for the both of them.

Re: PAGING @SFNATIVE

CatLoverDogsToo — Sun, 27 Aug 2017 19:44:16 GMT

@sfnative I am glad to see that you posted an update. I had been worrying about your safety.

I am so sorry for all the painful conditions you are suffering from added to the horrible stress from your abusive husband. I had hoped you were able to get out from under his controlling behavior, but I do understand needing help with daily chores after surgeries.

In these situations it is so hard to know what to do.

I am glad your little granddaughter will have limited contact with your husband, but it must be hard to give up more time with her too.

I will keep you in my thoughts.

Re: PAGING @SFNATIVE

dooBdoo — Mon, 28 Aug 2017 05:39:54 GMT

I agree, @Lindsays Grandma's comments are perceptive, thoughtful, intuitive, and beautifully stated. @sfnative, Thank you for updating us. I think you know there are many of us who think of you every day and pray for your safety, strength, health and well-being. I hope you can feel the love and (((cyberhugs))) across the miles. You have a good head on your shoulders and it sounds like you have a trusted support system there, locally. I can't help but continue to worry a wee bit, but I will continue to pray for the best outcome and trust and believe things will work together for the good. Please, take gentle care of yourself.❤️

Re: PAGING @SFNATIVE

sfnative — Mon, 28 Aug 2017 17:06:06 GMT

@dooBdoo wrote:

I agree, @Lindsays Grandma's comments are perceptive, thoughtful, intuitive, and beautifully stated. @sfnative, Thank you for updating us. I think you know there are many of us who think of you every day and pray for your safety, strength, health and well-being. I hope you can feel the love and (((cyberhugs))) across the miles. You have a good head on your shoulders and it sounds like you have a trusted support system there, locally. I can't help but continue to worry a wee bit, but I will continue to pray for the best outcome and trust and believe things will work together for the good. Please, take gentle care of yourself.❤️

@dooBdoo

I want you and everyone to know that not only do I appreciate what you've said, but how you've stated the above.

Not for a minute did I think I'd ever be in this position, but time changes people. I'm a great one for self-examination, taking long looks at situations, evaluating until I can't evaluate any longer, meditating, thinking, praying, calming myself and generally chilling out. I used to be quite high strung, until chronic migraines struck, which required me to take a good hard look at myself, what made me tick and what I could do to make each day a bit easier for myself.

As previously stated, physical ailments these past months have definitely placed a kink in the works. Spent more time awake last night than asleep. This is not good for a sound mind the following day. In those instances, one can only hope for no flack being thrown in my direction, so I'm in "prevent mode" today.

Concerns and worries continue; however, am attempting to not get myself in too much of a dither, as I must approach this as rationally as possible under moderate to severe pain. It's a balancing act right now.

Again, thank you and all for continued support and thanks so much for paging me.

XXX

Re: PAGING @SFNATIVE

sfnative — Mon, 28 Aug 2017 17:10:59 GMT

@AuntG wrote:
Some powerful words were written by @Lindsays Grandma, I was thinking along those same lines regarding post-operative care. Luckily @sfnative is very aware of what she faces and is not in denial about what lies ahead. For just one day, I wish her husband could live with that kind of physical pain.

@AuntG

Oh, my, Auntg, I do wish he could live with this pain. His eyes just might open up a bit. XXX

Re: PAGING @SFNATIVE

sfnative — Mon, 28 Aug 2017 17:14:51 GMT

@Plaid Pants2 wrote:
@Lindsays Grandma wrote:
sfnative...I am so sorry for the physical issues you are going through. I had three back surgeries, all failures, sciatica pain in my right leg, continuing back pain and now hip pain from surgery in 2015. I know what it is like to live with severe pain on a daily basis and the the pain medication I am prescribed doesn't do very much in relieving it.

But this post is not about me, it is about you. If you indeed have to have surgeries, living with a person who causes you stress and aggravation will hinder your recovery. After surgery a person requires rest in order to heal. When I had my surgeries if I had been living with my then husband who would beat me whenever he drank I can't imagine what would have happened to me after my surgeries.

Do you have family close to where you live? Is there any way at all possible you can live with a family member until you are well enough to be on your own? Your husband, from everything you have told us here on the boards doesn't have to hit you to hurt you, he just has to look at you or say terrible things to cause you misery and fear. Have you told your doctors about him? I can assure you they would be concerned if they knew about his abuse when they discharge you from the hospital knowing you are going home where you will be mistreated.

Do you really think he will help you when you ask for it? Will he assist you in and out of bed or a chair when you need it? Will he bring you a glass of water so you can take your medication? You won't be walking on your own when you leave the hospital, you will have a walker, will he have the patience to wait for you because you aren't walking fast enough? Will he drive you to your doctor appointments and fold the walker and put in the car or will you have to do it yourself?

You will need tender loving care after surgery. Please, please think very carefully about your decision to stay with him during a very critical time. If he can be so cruel as to stare down a three year old he will have no problem being cruel to you. You know what he is capable of, after all you have been with him a long time.

Please forgive me if I am out of line here, I am going by your posts and what you have said about your husband. I am worried about you even though I don't know you. I was married to an abuser and had the courage to divorce him after four years because I didn't want our daughter and my daughter from my first marriage to live in that kind of environment, nor did I want to die.

If you stay with him I wish you all the luck in the world and hope you have a plan should his behavior be more than you can live with. Hopefully all will go well. Should you have the surgeries the doctors have discussed with you I will pray for success and a speedy recovery. I wish you all the best, you deserve it, you have suffered enough. God Bless you. ((((HUGS))))

There is not only that, but her husband's dementia is getting worse by the day. And that is what is causing him to act the way that he does.

One solution to when he throws a fit, is to just leave the room.

That's what I do when my dad gets like that.

I refuse to put up with it, so I don't, and I just simply leave.

It's better for both of us when I do that.

@Plaid Pants2

You've hit the nail on the head. I'm now doing just that. This is a case where actions speak louder than words. It's one of the ultimate statements one can make.

Hope someone else out here is reading this, learning that this is indeed an option. XXX