topic Re: Need some opinions. in Among Friends

Need some opinions.

this is my nic — Thu, 18 Jun 2015 20:36:19 GMT

Several years ago, DH and I were planning a trip to Italy. I found out that a cousin, who I had been very close to since birth, was also planning a trip at the same time. She and her husband were going to celebrate a major anniversary. Not only am I her cousin, but I was also in her wedding.

When I found out that our trips would coincide, I sent her a message stating it would be fun if we were able to meet there. My thinking was a quick meeting, toast their anniversary and be on our seperate ways.

She sent me a message stating that we could go to Italy, but they wanted to be alone. She also stated that she had to say "no" to a girl she went to high school with. How generous that she was giving us permission to be in the same country!

I then sent her a message saying that I didn't intend to join them on their trip, just meet at the Trevi fountain or some other landmark and wish them a happy anniversary. I never received another message in return. We have not communicated since.

I've shared this with others and got opinions; just wondering what the women here have to say. How would you have reacted to a similar situation?

Thanks!

Re: Need some opinions.

goodstuff — Thu, 18 Jun 2015 20:44:23 GMT

If I really wanted to meet up with someone during my travels, I would be disappointed that they weren't on the same page -- but I don't think it makes sense to be offended or to take your cousin's response as a personal rejection!

Meeting with friends or family while traveling can add stress and complications (what if they don't show up at the scheduled place and time, what if they want to hang out longer, what if they want to suggest other joint activities, what if.......?) It makes perfect sense to me that your cousin and her husband had planned a romantic trip alone, and I suggest you understand and hope they enjoyed their time together as planned.

Just curious: If this happened several years ago, why are you looking for opinions now? I hope you haven't held this against your cousin all this time......

Re: Need some opinions.

chickenbutt — Thu, 18 Jun 2015 20:48:03 GMT

Well, I'd have to give her this - at least she was honest.

I can totally understand, because of your relationship, your desire to have a little get-together during their/your trip, but I guess it just turned out that that was not what she/they wanted. Who knows why unless you ask her.

Re: Need some opinions.

this is my nic — Thu, 18 Jun 2015 20:49:24 GMT

My real problem was that she didn't even bother to respond to my last message where I stated, we wouldn't be with them for a long time, just a quick "hello and congrats"!

I thought she misunderstood and thought I wanted to join them for the whole trip which is why I responded with my explanation. Times for a quick meeting could have been very loose, if we didn't meet at a certain time, no problem.

Re: Need some opinions.

Puppy Lips — Thu, 18 Jun 2015 20:54:49 GMT

I tend to let things like this bother me too -- for way too long. She could have handled this better. Best to just let it go.

Re: Need some opinions.

this is my nic — Thu, 18 Jun 2015 20:57:30 GMT

I have pretty much let it go, but every now and then I think of it and it just bugs me! :

Re: Need some opinions.

Kalli — Thu, 18 Jun 2015 21:01:44 GMT

I'd have been a little hurt but I would have let it go as it seems you did. Since she never responded or contacted you, maybe she wasn't as close of a friend(cousin) as you thought.

Maybe she and her DH were having issues at the time...Who knows?

I had to give up a "friendship" years ago that was best for me but hurt bad at the time. I don't think much about that now, but reading your post made me remember. I think I'm better off.

Re: Need some opinions.

ChynnaBlue — Thu, 18 Jun 2015 21:08:49 GMT

I'm sorry, I'm on her side. I would not want to plan my vacation in a new country based on the same 5-minute time you could both be in the same town. The day you want to be in Rome, she may want to be in Venice ... or Florence, or Positano. Coordinating a trip in the same city is one thing, but you're trying to coordinate a 5-minute visit in a trip to an entire country.

This reminds me when I lived in San Francisco and people from New York would call me and say, "I'm in Los Angeles, let's get lunch!" No, that's 7 hours away. Now I live in Texas and people fly into Dallas and say, "I'm in Texas, let's get lunch." No, Dallas is 3 hours away from Austin, where I am.

It's very difficult to coordinate when you are talking about a 5-minute time span where you might be anywhere in the whole country of Italy.

Re: Need some opinions.

debic — Thu, 18 Jun 2015 21:21:57 GMT

@ChynnaBlue wrote:
I'm sorry, I'm on her side. I would not want to plan my vacation in a new country based on the same 5-minute time you could both be in the same town. The day you want to be in Rome, she may want to be in Venice ... or Florence, or Positano. Coordinating a trip in the same city is one thing, but you're trying to coordinate a 5-minute visit in a trip to an entire country.

This reminds me when I lived in San Francisco and people from New York would call me and say, "I'm in Los Angeles, let's get lunch!" No, that's 7 hours away. Now I live in Texas and people fly into Dallas and say, "I'm in Texas, let's get lunch." No, Dallas is 3 hours away from Austin, where I am.

It's very difficult to coordinate when you are talking about a 5-minute time span where you might be anywhere in the whole country of Italy.

LOL, I can relate. And it's an anniversary they probably don't want to get hung up by anything but themselves.

Re: Need some opinions.

NycVixen — Thu, 18 Jun 2015 22:54:19 GMT

I think that she is awfully full of herself. That has happened to me with people I've known for a long time including family.

Some people over the years begin to have an inflated sense of self and a deflated view of others. She sounds very self-centered and I say good riddance.

Now you really know who you are dealing with. She burned the bridge with you. She may feel that she doesn't need to bother with you or her other friend now but life has a way to bring people down from their self-made pedestals!!! I've seen it happen so many times.

I know you feel bad, it's understandable. You were being nice and it's your cousin after all.

Re: Need some opinions.

this is my nic — Thu, 18 Jun 2015 22:59:28 GMT

It is hard to let a long term relationship go. I'm sorry you had to do that, but I guess some relationships aren't meant to last a lifetime. She's still my cousin, but I have no idea what's going on in her life and vice versa. We don't even exchange Christmas cards, Obviously, that was a decision we both made.

BTW, the folks who responded about it being hard to meet in a foreign country, my idea was if we happened to be in the same place at the same time, it would have been fun to see each other. If our plans didn't mesh, no problem!

My thought was "wouldn't it be fun if?" Not, "we should get together". After sending a message that explained all that and not getting a response is what really bothered me.

Oh, well, life goes on and I guess our relationship wasn't as special as I thought.

Re: Need some opinions.

this is my nic — Thu, 18 Jun 2015 23:05:12 GMT

Thanks NycVixen!

Your opinion is basically what I took away from this experience. If a friend or relative made that proposition to me I'd have taken them up on it in a heart beat. In fact, when we go to Italy, we visit family who are distant cousins! Family is very important to me, friendship too.

Re: Need some opinions.

lulu2 — Thu, 18 Jun 2015 23:18:15 GMT

I understand that she did not want share time on this special trip with anyone but her husband.

What I do not understand is why there has never been another word between the 2 of you.

If it were me and this were my cousin, I'd write a letter and tell her how I feel. Most people would probably just go on with life, without expressing their feelings.

Re: Need some opinions.

Himi lover — Thu, 18 Jun 2015 23:47:16 GMT

Sounds to me like you're better off without her. You don't need to try to remain close just because she's your cousin. You were being very nice. People like her pull me down, and I've learned to walk away.

Re: Need some opinions.

gmkb — Fri, 19 Jun 2015 00:38:10 GMT

Several years is several years too long to hang onto hurts. When we hang onto things, it gives the other person a lot of power over us. Move on, send a Christmas card, and enjoy your life.

Re: Need some opinions.

AnikaBrodie — Fri, 19 Jun 2015 01:18:10 GMT

di-mc -- Life is too short. Give her a call or email or snail mail her, perhaps with a "thinking of you" card with handwritten sentiments. As you said, it's been several years since you had any contact and it's long past time to put a stop to that! Don't allow the hurt to fester any longer. Who knows, she may be waiting for that call or mail. In humility, you can be the first to break the cycle of silence.

I hope things work out well for both of you and that you can once again be friends. Family (including cousins) is so important.

Re: Need some opinions.

surfk — Sun, 28 Jun 2015 01:58:17 GMT

(deleted by user)

Re: Need some opinions.

goodstuff — Fri, 19 Jun 2015 02:06:11 GMT

All of this because a family member wanted to be alone with her husband on an anniversary trip? And opted not to get into further email exchanges about a question she had already answered?

Sorry, but OP is in the wrong on this one. The cousin simply stated what she wanted to do, well within her rights. She did nothing objectionable.

Re: Need some opinions.

JeanLouiseFinch — Fri, 19 Jun 2015 02:39:46 GMT

Am I missing something? This happened several years ago and the OP is still dwelling on it? If that's the case, it's time to get over it. It's had way too much interference in your life and bothering you a lot more than it is your cousin. If you can put it in your past and try to resume a relationship with her, do try, but don't go bending over backwards either. If she's unresponsive, you'll know it's time to just move on.

Re: Need some opinions.

Brittany-QVC — Fri, 19 Jun 2015 02:40:36 GMT

This post has been removed by QVC. Disagreeing is fine, but let's make sure we are not insulting other posters.