topic Re: help me -move? in Among Friends

help me -move?

lynbeechwood — Mon, 17 Jul 2017 18:40:09 GMT

For the past 10 years we have lived in Texas. We moved here from the northeast- away from all family and friends so that as a family of 4 we would be able to have more time together- because my husband no longer would need to travel extensively for work.. Before the move happened, my husband agreed that if we did not like this huge adjustment that we could return to the place we came from. As long as we gave it a chance. It has been 10 years and I still want to go back.

My husband loves where we are now and has no desire to return. I am the complete opposite in that I want to go back so badly and he just will not have it. One of my children woukd also like to return but the other child refuses too. I say children but they are 19 and 21.

My husband wont even acknowledge that the rest of our family members are getting older and that I feel we should be close bye again to spend time together.

I understand that moving is expensive and I would be going from working part time to full time - my children would also have to re-adjust.

I dont know am I being rediculous in thinking moving back is even possible?

Re: help me -move?

chrystaltree — Mon, 17 Jul 2017 18:50:41 GMT

I'm with your husband on this. It would be different if you wanted go back after a year or two after 10 years, Texas is now home to your husband one of the kids. You children are adults not kids. Your husband is happy, he's settled in and content where he is after 10 years. Your desires shouldn't come before his. I think he's the one on firm ground here. I suspect that you never really bought into to the move, you caved in to what he wanted 10 years ago. You didn't stand up for yourself then and tell the truth...no I don't want to move and I won't. It's too late now.

Re: help me -move?

Imaoldhippie — Mon, 17 Jul 2017 18:58:29 GMT

Im sure you want to be around family and that is very understandable. But keep in mind that almost everything and everyone has changed in 10 years. Your friends have different lives now as well as family. I suggest you go back for an extended visit. I think you will realize that you dont want to move as bad as you think. Maybe you and hubby (or just you) could make an agreement to go visit more frequently. Your child that wants to go back should also do the extended visit, and not jump into a permanent move. They will discover that they no longer have friends there and dont know the family very well. But if they are the type to take a chance then go for it. Hope this helps you some. Good luck

Re: help me -move?

Nightowlz — Mon, 17 Jul 2017 19:00:55 GMT

No it's not ridiculous wanting to move back. I'm in the same boat as you.

I love Texas. I lived there for around 9 yrs total when I was younger. I don't know where NE you are talking about but if that's where family & friends are I understand.

I have lived here with DH around his family for over 40 yrs & want to move when he retires. Thought we were going to do that in about 2 yrs. Now since his parents are older & need help he says he's not retiring until he's 67-68. I know he's doing this because he does not want to move since he has lived here all his life. I have news for him we are moving at some point because I'm spending time with some of my family while we are still around.

Your kids are adult they can either move with you or not.

Good Luck in your move.

Re: help me -move?

lynbeechwood — Mon, 17 Jul 2017 19:45:35 GMT

Thank you for your responses.

I feel angry at myself for not pushing harder to move back sooner. I have tried all different ways to become involved in my community as well. I have made a few good friends where i work. I actually love my job.

While my childden are legally adult age --I cannot just leave one "child" behind-- because he in no way can live on his own-- being an adult means that you can support yourself financially as well.

which he cannot do.

I am also mad at my husband because he has known the entire time we have lived here that I really wanted to go back and he wouldnt- so what was I supposed to do? I guess I should have argued more then about returning? I have brought up his aging family as well and that does not seem to move him either. I just did not picture this being so permanent.

Re: help me -move?

Lilysmom — Mon, 17 Jul 2017 20:10:06 GMT

@lynbeechwood, this is a tough one! No clear answer it seems. You need to put your head together with DH and see where you each see yourselves five years from now, and longer. This can potentially be a divisive issue but you already know this. Good luck! LM

Re: help me -move?

chrystaltree — Mon, 17 Jul 2017 20:31:30 GMT

@lynbeechwood wrote:
Thank you for your responses.
I feel angry at myself for not pushing harder to move back sooner. I have tried all different ways to become involved in my community as well. I have made a few good friends where i work. I actually love my job.

While my childden are legally adult age --I cannot just leave one "child" behind-- because he in no way can live on his own-- being an adult means that you can support yourself financially as well.
which he cannot do.

I am also mad at my husband because he has known the entire time we have lived here that I really wanted to go back and he wouldnt- so what was I supposed to do? I guess I should have argued more then about returning? I have brought up his aging family as well and that does not seem to move him either. I just did not picture this being so permanent.

Things like this happen when couples don't really talk to each other, not in a meaningful and realistic way. I think early on, you skirted around the issue and hoped your husband would read your mind. You hoped he'd just magically KNOW how much you wanted to go home but you never said anything. The resentment has built up over the years and not to play psychiatrist but I that resentment kept you from putting down roots and building a life where you are. I don't what your situation is but you should tread lightly because you are not being fair to your husband. You should think about getting some couples counsellig.

Re: help me -move?

kaydee50 — Mon, 17 Jul 2017 20:46:57 GMT

We have been married for 37+ years. DH has always wanted 2 places so he has his in NV and I have mine in Chicago. If you can financially afford it, it's an option. I know how it is to be unhappy in a place that husband is happy in. Life is too short to be miserable. Make yoursefl happy.

Re: help me -move?

SXMGirl — Mon, 17 Jul 2017 20:59:26 GMT

Since your children are now adults, get on a plane and visit whenever you want to. Moving back may not be as wonderful as you think. People and places change. I hope that in the 10 years that you have been in Texas that you have made some friends and have added enjoyable activities. If not, now is the time. Good luck!

Re: help me -move?

Kachina624 — Mon, 17 Jul 2017 23:39:32 GMT

I don't blame you for wanting to get out of Texas. I managed to escape but only after I'd spent 35 years of my life there. I got out as soon as I retired, and maybe you'd be smart to aim for the same solution. Retire and split your time between Texas and somewhere else? Winters in Texas and summers in someplace bearable.

Re: help me -move?

henderson — Tue, 18 Jul 2017 00:45:20 GMT

So your husband is working in Texas? Will he have to find a new job where you want to move?

Re: help me -move?

Katcat1 — Tue, 18 Jul 2017 01:21:10 GMT

@lynbeechwood, It's obvious to me that you miss home and this natural. I lived in San Francisco for 4-1/2 years and I could not wait to get back to the Midwest on solid ground. Yes, it would be nice for you to be near family especially if they are getting older. However, if your husband won't budge what else can you do? You are in a tight position and I really feel for you. i always liked the Midwest and East coast over the West and South. Good luck.

Re: help me -move?

stevieb — Tue, 18 Jul 2017 01:58:41 GMT

@chrystaltree wrote:
I'm with your husband on this. It would be different if you wanted go back after a year or two after 10 years, Texas is now home to your husband one of the kids. You children are adults not kids. Your husband is happy, he's settled in and content where he is after 10 years. Your desires shouldn't come before his. I think he's the one on firm ground here. I suspect that you never really bought into to the move, you caved in to what he wanted 10 years ago. You didn't stand up for yourself then and tell the truth...no I don't want to move and I won't. It's too late now.

No, it's not too late now. And who's to say whose wishes came first then or come first now. It's a complicated situation and there's no easy answer, least of all just proclaming that it's too late...

Re: help me -move?

KathyPet — Tue, 18 Jul 2017 02:33:55 GMT

I think you failed to hammer out the agreement 10 years ago when you moved to Texas. YOu said that you both agreed that if "We" were not happy after giving it a try we would move back. You failed to clarify what would occur if one of you was happy but the other one was not. I think that your DH is reneging on the deal but the terms were not clear to start with.

Re: help me -move?

Lucky Charm — Tue, 18 Jul 2017 03:17:07 GMT

@chrystaltree wrote:
I'm with your husband on this. It would be different if you wanted go back after a year or two after 10 years, Texas is now home to your husband one of the kids. You children are adults not kids. Your husband is happy, he's settled in and content where he is after 10 years. Your desires shouldn't come before his. I think he's the one on firm ground here. I suspect that you never really bought into to the move, you caved in to what he wanted 10 years ago. You didn't stand up for yourself then and tell the truth...no I don't want to move and I won't. It's too late now.

Errrrr (wrong answer buzzer).

A. Why shouldn't her desires come before his?

He had agreed to give it a try and would go back.

Just because he's happy, she should should clam up? (OMGosh---coming from you!)

She hasn't made it a secret she wants to go back. She's even talked of aging parents/family.

He doesn't seem to give a hoot (my take on it, anyway). So that's how much of a 'family' man he is.

If they've been in TX ten years---that's about the same time they were on the East Coast--if the kids are now 19 and 21. So, they're both about 'even' with where they've been planted in both places.

If he cares enough about his marriage and his wife, he'll listen to her and they'll be able to reach some sort of agreement where they'll both be happy.

It may or may not be together though. Marriage is 50/50.

I'd never say 'it's too late now' and can't believe you did.

Re: help me -move?

ROMARY — Tue, 18 Jul 2017 04:13:15 GMT

I think that your best bet (right now) is to fly up north as much as you can. Vacations, leave of absences, whatever else that's available. Be there as much as you can this year and the next years. That way, you can get a true 'feel' of what's happening, family, etc. Try to include your hubby, but if he's not available because of his work, then go alone. The best of luck to you. I do think that things will eventually fall into place. Maybe not right now, but eventually.

Re: help me -move?

homedecor1 — Tue, 18 Jul 2017 04:30:39 GMT

@lynbeechwood

I feel your pain! I moved (retired early) after years of "nagging me FL was paradise" UGH...I said yes, it is weather wise!

Im in the same situation except I came my kids were grown & self-sufficient BUT along came grandchild...

I can only say from my experience: spouse loves it here - house on golf course, golfs, beaches, no snow & perfectly content in his lifestyle! This is what he dreamed of after 40 years of working!!!

I on the the other hand: miss family everyday interactions, fun

times w/GD, & more! I haven't made many friends like the kind I have at home (just acquaintances) and was much too young to retire! I don't golf but I volunteer, travel, keep active in my own way, yet something is "missing".

We have gone round & round everyday about it. Actually, I think he just tunes me out after all these years! I never thought the move out entirely!

I decided thanks to great airfare - just book a trip home. He has no desire to go! I stay 10 days usually (every 2 months) but to be honest, the first 3-4 days are heaven - after this the "family" & "friends" are off doing their life!!! You'd be surprised how lives & things change - you may not be missing as much as you think!

Of course, I travel home for holidays, special occasions, etc. that are important to me! He has no problem with being alone holidays (he figures it out) at first I felt bad but not anymore ! After 40+ years we realize we have different lifestyles ...it works for us!

Perhaps you could travel home periodically & visit. Unless, aging parents need you that's a different situation (one that we don't have).

My perfect dreamlife life would be being a "snowbird". All I can say is thank god for Skype!!!

Re: help me -move?

NYC Susan — Tue, 18 Jul 2017 04:34:27 GMT

@stevieb wrote:
@chrystaltree wrote:
I'm with your husband on this. It would be different if you wanted go back after a year or two after 10 years, Texas is now home to your husband one of the kids. You children are adults not kids. Your husband is happy, he's settled in and content where he is after 10 years. Your desires shouldn't come before his. I think he's the one on firm ground here. I suspect that you never really bought into to the move, you caved in to what he wanted 10 years ago. You didn't stand up for yourself then and tell the truth...no I don't want to move and I won't. It's too late now.
No, it's not too late now. And who's to say whose wishes came first then or come first now. It's a complicated situation and there's no easy answer, least of all just proclaming that it's too late...

I agree that it's not too late.

I wouldn't be hard on the OP. We don't know how hard she stood up for herself 10 years ago, or much else about the circumstances then. It sounds to me as though she tried to be fair, and gave it a chance. She was willing to compromise, but now he's not. It's a dilemma for sure, but it's certainly not too late.

Re: help me -move?

alicedee — Tue, 18 Jul 2017 04:47:06 GMT

@lynbeechwood I'm wondering if your husband does not want to have to help care for aging family members, and thats why he resists moving back?

It doesn't sound right to me that he be the person allowed to totally call the shots on this situation. I would not allow my deep desires and needs to be ignored. if he could provide me with compelling reasons for staying....and assure me he would meet my need by helping ensure I could go back frequently for visits....then I would probably agree to stay. But if his compelling reason is "I like it better here"....then you have to decide if and why his likes are more important than yours.

Life is too short to spend it filled with resentment. I would suggest counseling....but if he won't go, go by yourself. And as others have said....use your time off to fly back for visits. I hope you can come to an amicable solution.

Re: help me -move?

DiAnne — Tue, 18 Jul 2017 05:16:42 GMT

This thread makes me really happy I live alone!