topic Re: Hypocrite in Among Friends

Hypocrite

Shiloh09 — Tue, 11 Jul 2017 15:37:12 GMT

I will warn you this may be confusing. I am part of a large family...6 brothers and a sister spread out across the country. One of my brothers called me in March or April to let me know he and his wife were living apart. He did not go into details but said that he wanted to call each one of the siblings to share. I told him that it was his story to tell. He is very low key and never seeks attention. About 4 weeks ago one of my nephews(different sibling) asked "how is uncle______?" I told him that he was living at the beach house and was doing fine under the circumstances. My nephew looked puzzled. Clearly he did not know. So I just said my brother was separated from his wife. I didn't really think much of it at the time and figured the nieces and nephews had not all been told. In the last two weeks, i have talked to two of my other siblings. In the first case I inadvertently mentioned that _______'s wife would not be attending an upcoming family function later this month. When he asked me why, I was stunned. I fumbled over my words and finally said the two were living apart and said I was sure ______would be calling him. I texted ______to let him know about the conversation and apologized for spilling the beans, but it really was inadvertent. Finally one of my other brothers called me late last week and point blank asked why _______'s wife was not attending this upcoming family function. Again, I was a bit irritated that aLL the siblings had not been told (as the situation began in January) and I was put into an awkward situation. Again I just said the two were living apart. I meant to call/text ______ about spilling the beans but failed to until last night. He is angry with me that I shared his story with family members after I had professed my profound respect for his privacy.

I feel horrible about this...I feel like a hypocrite, and now ______ thinks I am a gossip and untrustworthy. I don't want to talk to any other sibling about this and prefer t h e anonymity of this forum.I am now anxious and scared about facing him at the big family function. I was awake (and crying) about all this. My family is the most important thing i have and I fully understand _______'s anger. I accept responsibility and have apologized. Should I have expected that after 7 months, my brother would have told all of his siblings? I feel awful.

Re: Hypocrite

Desertdi — Tue, 11 Jul 2017 15:40:24 GMT

It's your brother's fault -- NOT YOURS

Re: Hypocrite

nana59 — Tue, 11 Jul 2017 15:44:34 GMT

It's been seven months since he told you--and no one else?! It's NOT your fault....

Re: Hypocrite

LTT1 — Tue, 11 Jul 2017 15:47:12 GMT

@Shiloh09

I agree with @Desertdi.

My favorite go-to phrase I use in my head when someone else is making me feel guilty for THEIR problems is this:

"It is THEIRS to own." Their anger, their tantrum, their consequences of THEIR actions.

Re: Hypocrite

happycat — Tue, 11 Jul 2017 15:50:33 GMT

Try not to beat yourself up. Your brother had told you he was going to be letting all the siblings know, and I would have figured it was safe to think he had, since it had been several months. You were acting out of the knowledge that you had at the time. Your brother needs to sit back and think about this, and the manner in which the events unfolded. I don't think think you were trying to cause trouble at all.

Family affairs sure can end up to be hot messes, when it was never our intent. I know from experience.

I hope everything works out.

Re: Hypocrite

Fressa — Tue, 11 Jul 2017 15:56:07 GMT

The fault lies with him. He stated that he would inform the others and he did not. If he had no intention of sharing that information than it was wrong for him to burden you with it as well. Ease up on yourself. You did nothing wrong. Do not fret over family functions. He is an adult and can deal with his own "stuff". Enough time has past and you need to calm yourself and not worry about the other "stuff" created by him.

Re: Hypocrite

on the bay — Tue, 11 Jul 2017 15:56:46 GMT

I feel for you because I think this happens a lot with family and friends and you obviously were put on the spot by relatives who you thought would have been told.

You don't sound at all like you wanted to gossip or intrude on your brother's privacy.

Sometimes a close family member will ask me how so and so is doing? Most of the time, I say well you can always call and ask yourself because I don't feel comfortable updating them on everything. Other times I just try to give the minimum that the other person wouldn't mind me sharing.

But I really do think that close family members should ask or call the person themselves if they want to know how they are and also that its that other persons story to tell. You shouldn't have to feel that you are the news bearer for all in the family. Thats not fair to you.

I would probably tell your brother that you only told them based on what he told you-that he was telling all his siblings. And I would say I was sorry but it really isn't your fault. Perhaps he really only felt comfortable sharing with you and also hoped by telling you he would tell the others that he was really telling you, you don't have to say anything because he was going to but really not wanting to tell them at all!

(and I know that sounds confusing but you will probably understand cause I totally understood your post

Its always kind of upsetting but just think well, I'll start over again from here.(and know not to be put in that kind of situation hopefully again.)

Re: Hypocrite

Imaoldhippie — Tue, 11 Jul 2017 16:03:27 GMT

Your brother is at fault not you. If any other of your family calls you and ask whats going on, tell them to call their brother. Dont feel guilty and when others want to discuss it with you tell them they will have to talk to their brother for the correct details. If your brother does not want to talk to you thats his mistake, its hurts, I know from experience.

Re: Hypocrite

wildcat fan — Tue, 11 Jul 2017 16:06:34 GMT

If I were you, I wouldn't worry about attending future family functions. However, you may want to think about topics for discussion that may bring about awkward conversation and avoid initiating them. You mention a phone conversation with a sibling during which you said your brother's wife won't be attending a function. A statement like that, even if said inadvertently, invites gossip. IMO it's best not to bring it up, as you said it's your brother's story to tell. Best of luck to you.

Re: Hypocrite

chrystaltree — Tue, 11 Jul 2017 18:06:20 GMT

Well, you did break his confidence after you told him you keep it. He said he would tell the family and you believed that and acted accordingly. In hind sight, you should not have mentioned the separation until you were positive that he told the family and that everyone knew. Also, it was not your place to tell someone that your brother's wife would not be attending a family function. I think you owe your brother an explanation and an apology. Couples separate and sometimes they reconcile or live apart for a time but remain connected. They want to keep it private and it's possible that after speaking with you, your brother decided that he would not tell the family. Just be honest with him and apologize and remind him that he did say that he was going to tell the family and you assumed he did. You can't do more than that.

Re: Hypocrite

game-on — Tue, 11 Jul 2017 16:38:17 GMT

I have a saying.... I dont do guilt....

This was not something you did on purpose.... so your sibling can choose to forgive you or not.

We are human. We do the best we can. (((Hugs)))

Re: Hypocrite

Etoile308 — Tue, 11 Jul 2017 18:03:59 GMT

I don't think you were being a hypocrite. You took your brother at his word that he would spread the news. But once you found out one family member didn't know, I think the best thing would have been to direct all questions to your brother. After all it was his story to tell. I probably would have called my brother to tell him about your nephew did not knowi and you were caught off guard. I too, have a very large family with a siblings spread out and not always in contact with one another. When something comes up I tell them to talk the sibling directly. I'm not their matriarch and I'm not their conduit, and I'm not getting in the middle of it.

Re: Hypocrite

x Hedge — Wed, 12 Jul 2017 05:30:46 GMT

I'm not going to give you that free pass other posters are handing out.

Your brother trusted you with the basic facts of a situation that affects his life personally, intimately.

He wisely chose to give you no details.

You were 100% correct when you said it was HIS story to tell.

May I add, on HIS timetable.

7 months or 7 years from now, doesn’t matter.

They may reconcile their differences at some point in the future and agree never to speak of it.

Oh, no! Too late for that. The whole fam knows just enough by now to make that impossible.

As I read your post, you professed to your brother your "profound respect" for his privacy.

I gather you then broke his trust, apologized, and then did it again!

No, no free pass.

Re: Hypocrite

JaneMarple — Wed, 12 Jul 2017 03:14:46 GMT

Do not feel guilty @Shiloh09 the news would have gotten out anyway because your brother's estranged wife's absence at family functions would be all too noticeable.

Re: Hypocrite

santorini — Wed, 12 Jul 2017 03:28:02 GMT

When a sibling acted confused and asked why the wife wasn't attending, I would have just said, "you're going to have to talk to [Joe] about that because I'm not sure." Don't beat yourself up about it, though. The original brother should have come back to you and confessed that you were the only one he ended up telling.

Re: Hypocrite

AuntG — Wed, 12 Jul 2017 11:13:37 GMT

You wrote about this in an easy to follow manner. I would have thought he would have told the rest of the family by now. If he chose not to do what he said he would do, don't feel bad about what you said.

Re: Hypocrite

KathyPet — Wed, 12 Jul 2017 15:08:16 GMT

YOur brother said that he was going to tell your other siblings the news about his separation and then failed to do so. The onus for that is on him. HOWEVER! When you were asked directly by other relatives why his wife was not coming to a family event it should have been obvious to you that he had not shared this information with the rest of the family as he said he would and you should not have "spilled the beans". YOur answer should have been that you were not sure why she was not coming and that the person asking should be calling your brother directly for a explanation. It was not up to you to "pass along" the information about their separation.

Re: Hypocrite

qbetzforreal — Wed, 12 Jul 2017 15:38:45 GMT

You broke your brother's trust. We cannot assume that people will follow through. Once the nephew looked quizzical, that was the time to zip it. Sharing that wife won't be attending the family function took it to the gossip arena because sometimes separated people still come to family functions. Instead of texting your brother your sorries. You need to talk to him in person and apologize.

Re: Hypocrite

occasionalrain — Wed, 12 Jul 2017 15:47:19 GMT

Your brother apparently meant to tell the others at the time he told you and, perhaps after speaking with his wife, decided against it.

You promised him to keep what he told you confidential and you betrayed that confidence. It's unlikely he will ever trust you again, I wouldn't.

Re: Hypocrite

hckynut — Wed, 12 Jul 2017 20:11:29 GMT

@Shiloh09 wrote:
I will warn you this may be confusing. I am part of a large family...6 brothers and a sister spread out across the country. One of my brothers called me in March or April to let me know he and his wife were living apart. He did not go into details but said that he wanted to call each one of the siblings to share. I told him that it was his story to tell. He is very low key and never seeks attention.

About 4 weeks ago one of my nephews(different sibling) asked "how is uncle______?" I told him that he was living at the beach house and was doing fine under the circumstances. My nephew looked puzzled. Clearly he did not know. So I just said my brother was separated from his wife. I didn't really think much of it at the time and figured the nieces and nephews had not all been told.

In the last two weeks, i have talked to two of my other siblings. In the first case I inadvertently mentioned that _______'s wife would not be attending an upcoming family function later this month. When he asked me why, I was stunned. I fumbled over my words and finally said the two were living apart and said I was sure ______would be calling him. I texted ______to let him know about the conversation and apologized for spilling the beans, but it really was inadvertent.

Finally one of my other brothers called me late last week and point blank asked why _______'s wife was not attending this upcoming family function. Again, I was a bit irritated that aLL the siblings had not been told (as the situation began in January) and I was put into an awkward situation. Again I just said the two were living apart. I meant to call/text ______ about spilling the beans but failed to until last night.

He is angry with me that I shared his story with family members after I had professed my profound respect for his privacy.
I feel horrible about this...I feel like a hypocrite, and now ______ thinks I am a gossip and untrustworthy. I don't want to talk to any other sibling about this and prefer t h e anonymity of this forum.I am now anxious and scared about facing him at the big family function. I was awake (and crying) about all this.

My family is the most important thing i have and I fully understand _______'s anger. I accept responsibility and have apologized. Should I have expected that after 7 months, my brother would have told all of his siblings? I feel awful.