topic Re: Need Some Guidance in Among Friends

Need Some Guidance

Ladygray — Sun, 18 Jun 2017 11:34:25 GMT

I'm new to QVC. I found these forums and thought I might be able to find some guidance here. You all seem to be so helpful to one another from what I've been reading.

I am very good friends with a man who is currently separated from his wife. He has two children, both in college. We haven't really dated as a couple, but there are many sparks between us and we flirt and talk all the time. He and his estranged wife are working out details about their situation. They currently have separate residences.

We talk most every night either via phone or text or e-mail. We joke, we flirt, we share our days events with each other. When he is with his kids (who are home from college for the summer) I try to not bother him or I'll wait for his cue to get in touch with him.

Last week, I didn't respond to his e-mail because I had come home from a hard day at work and collapsed in bed and slept through most of the evening hours. I read his e-mail the next morning and responded. He responded back and said he looked forward to talking to me later. I sent him a longer e-mail during the day but never heard back neither via e-mail nor a call or text. The last time we did talk, I asked what his kids were going to do for him for Father's Day, and he didn't know. We have plan to spend the day together the next weekend that I have been looking forward to for a long time.

Friday morning at work, I get a text from him with a picture taken out of a hotel room on the beach. All he wrote was "Great weather here in Sarasota." That's all, no explanation why he was there, I didn't know how to respond so all I could think of to respond was just an "Enjoy," instead of endless questions or wanting an explanation. Plus, I'm at work and couldn't be texting back and forth from there all morning. I was upset, but didn't want to be a drama queen. I didn't know if he was there with his kids for Father's Day weekend or who knows, maybe he was with his estranged wife. It was so cryptic. I never heard back from him at all. Nothing. Plus, when he's with his kids, I don't like to text him or make things uncomfortable for him.

I don't know why he'd just leave me a message like that knowing I would be confused. I'm hurt that he hasn't explained or at least responded again. I don't even know when he plans to return. I feel awkward responding now, makes me look like I'm groveling. I don't know what to think or do at this point.

I keep thinking if the situation were reversed, he'd be just as upset and hurt that I'm leaving him wondering. That's how I feel.

Re: Need Some Guidance

KingstonsMom — Sun, 18 Jun 2017 11:48:34 GMT

Are you sure that he's actually separated from his wife and they live in separate housing?

It sure sounds to me like there's a lot of 'sneaking around behind backs' going on here.

It wouldn't be the first time a man 'claimed' to be separated/divorced when they weren't.

It's happened to me more than once.

Re: Need Some Guidance

Isobel Archer — Sun, 18 Jun 2017 11:55:23 GMT

I don't know what's going on with him, but it does seem odd that if you have been emailing, texting, phoning every day, that suddenly there is this cryptic text and then nothing since then.

I will say that putting yourself in the position of waiting and wondering is not good for you overall.

Personally, I would pull back emotionally here until I was very sure he really was going to divorce his wife and really was interested in pursuing a relationship with me.

Re: Need Some Guidance

hoosieroriginal — Sun, 18 Jun 2017 12:16:36 GMT

Afraid you're being played girl! Cut this jerk off and find someone available - married men aren't your best choice. He's still emotionally involved with this woman - you're second in line - just available when he needs you. He's a player and telling you what he thinks you need to hear to keep you on the hook.

Re: Need Some Guidance

TheMemphisVette — Sun, 18 Jun 2017 12:21:24 GMT

been there done that

1. you last responded. now his turn. wait. no response after 3 days, when you were in contact daily tells you alot.

2. you stated you have confirmed plans for next weekend. he would be communicating about that if he is still planning on meeting that commitment.

3. you are rebound. that is not always long term. sometimes it works, but it is healthier for one leaving a long term relationship or marriage to date around and get over the ex before jumping back

4. until he is legally free, he is not.

5. pace yourself here. protect your heart.

also, if his trip was hush hush for some reason he would not be texting the view and location info. why he did not communicate a trip is interesting. even a last minute thing would merit a communication to you since you were in touch daily. hopefully there is a reasonable explaination.

Re: Need Some Guidance

KentuckyWoman — Sun, 18 Jun 2017 12:24:18 GMT

Sounds like you really like this man and even though you aren't dating or an official couple in the traditional sense, you are having some doubts about him. Apparently he didn't feel he it was neccessary to tell you he was going away but he sent you a text from wherever and let you know he was having a great time. I guess I'm just suspicious by nature so my advice would be to pull back, put on the brakes, drop him like a hot potato. This sounds like it may not end well for you.

Re: Need Some Guidance

Group 5 minus 1 — Sun, 18 Jun 2017 12:26:05 GMT

This relationship is going nowhere. You want more than he is willing to give. Dump him.

Re: Need Some Guidance

missy1 — Sun, 18 Jun 2017 12:28:35 GMT

Have you been to his home to know he is the only one living there?

It sounds like you are in a "relationship of convenience" (his side)

I would wait until his divorce is final. He is not in a committed relationship with you, so he doesn't have to explain where is he or what he is doing. I would move on and date others.

Re: Need Some Guidance

queendiva — Sun, 18 Jun 2017 12:55:21 GMT

@Ladygray: This man is using you. If you leave him he will find a replacement for you in a flash. Even IF he is separated he is not really available to you. He is married until he is divorced. He sounds like a charmer as wel as a chump.Remember, no one can ever use you without your permission. He knows how you feel about him and he is enjoying the big Ego boost your attention provides in his life right now.

Let's just say I have more life experience and maybe more self respect than you do at this moment. Cut him out of your life today. Take back your life and your emotions. Flirt with a man who is available to you in every way. You deserve nothing less! Part of the attraction is that he is not available to you except when HE wants to be, Think about that for a moment.

Your Prince is out there somewhere. Make yourself available to someone else and enjoy flirting with others. You are correct. Listen to the women on these boards. We will not steer you wrong. A "relationship" that must be on his terms and hidden from even one person is nothing but a fantasy and will only lead to heartbreak. That is not the environment needed for love to grow.

Be strong and love yourself first. Find a man who deserves you! Never, ever settle!

Re: Need Some Guidance

reiki604 — Sun, 18 Jun 2017 12:56:13 GMT

Instead of sitting and wondering what's going on, how about calling him and deciding for yourself if you want to continue with him. You are giving him quite a lot of power over you and your feelings. The only way to find out what is going on between you is to ask. Communication is essential in any relationship be it platonic or romantic. Many of my single friends will not date a separated man. They say that the men are too messed up and need time to sort out why the marriage failed. Some won't even date someone unless they've been divorced at least a year. These are women who are in control of their own lives and are in charge of their own happiness.

Re: Need Some Guidance

violann — Sun, 18 Jun 2017 12:57:15 GMT

This is NOT new nor is it original, but I've seen it happen too many times- "If he did this to her (the wife) he'd do it to you".

Re: Need Some Guidance

PinkyPetunia — Sun, 18 Jun 2017 13:14:30 GMT

This man pays attention to you when he has nothing better to do. He texts, calls, etc. when he has time to kill. Sorry, but this won't turn out well. He may still be involved with his wife even if he claims he is separated. Step away before you get more hurt.

Re: Need Some Guidance

CAcableGirl2 — Sun, 18 Jun 2017 13:28:47 GMT

Maybe that text wasn't meant for you? I would back off and not get any more emotionally involved. It sounds like you are available when it's convenient for him.

Don't sell yourself short - if this relationship is meant to be, he will file for divorce and move on and if you are available then and are interested, so be it. And whatever he has done before, usually will happen again. Do you really want to be a "couple" and have to look over your shoulder for his other "girlfriend"?

Being separated doesn't mean available.

Re: Need Some Guidance

GCR18 — Sun, 18 Jun 2017 13:39:31 GMT

Time to move on. Tell him not to contact you until he is divorced.

Re: Need Some Guidance

judEve — Sun, 18 Jun 2017 13:40:47 GMT

@Ladygray

You say you haven't dated this man yet, that you just flirt, email, text, and call, and from sounds of it there's been one time you had made plans to see each other. If I understood that correctly then I'd say even though it hurts which I understand if you're not actually dating he doesn't owe you any explanation about Sarasota and why he's there. If you're not dating there's no promise or contract between you two that says I am dating you and am now with you therefore certain things are a given and are expected. Currently even though YOUR heart is involved, you are just flirting, emailing, texting, sometimes calling, hoping for more, friends. Unless he says he wants more which you seem to want and he is willing to show you I'd get out now, there's NO reason for him not to date you IF he really wants to. If he says he's just waiting until this or that happens then you can date, it's just excuses and I'd get out.

This Sarasota text may be his way of trying to ****** you off in the hopes you'll stop whatever this nondating relationship is for whatever reason. Maybe he got back with or never left his wife and is trying to hint at it. Maybe he's trying to feel you out and see exactly how much he can get away with without any explanation to decide if you're an easy woman to be with or have on the side that he can control and or manipulate while keeping you and doing what he wants to do.

I think the type of nondating relationship you're currently having with him sounds like most of this relationship is done via email and text with a few calls and is a very easy relationship for a married man to have. He can flirt, get his ego stroked, get the thrill we get when we are beginning a new courtship, yet do it in a way his wife is totally in the dark. He can email and or text you with her in the same room! He may eventually get up the nerve to sneak away and actually see you all the while having no intention of leaving his wife.

If you're still interested in pursuing this "relationship" this is what I suggest. I'd CALL him when he's with his adult children and see how he reacts. If he and his wife really are in the process of working out the details of their divorce and really are separated there should be absolutely no reason why his grown kids can't know. I'd also stop by his residence. Find some reason, maybe he had a rough day at work and you thought a homemade dinner or pizza would be nice, or a bottle of wine, anything to actually go to the place he says he lives. If he really wants a relationship with you there shouldn't be a problem! If he's truly separated there's NO reason this should be a problem. If a woman answers I'd immediately introduce myself and say "hi I'm Susan, I'm a friend of Bob's, what's your name? Nice to meet you, are you his wife, do you live here?" I'd initiate a conversation immediately before he has a chance to come out and run interference in case it is his wife. If it is his wife again if they are separated and getting divorced since there is no custody issue there should be NO problem meeting her! If he runs you off or says "I was just leaving" I'd say "well since I'm here why don't you show me your apartment/house real quick, I'd love to see where you are when we talk" or something like that. If he won't let you in I'd be very suspicious. If given excuses I'd say "I don't care if it's messy, sparse, you're embarrassed, it's where you live I care about you and I want to see inside unless you have something to hide". If his wife is there and he runs you off and later tries to give you a line how she happened to stop by to talk about the divorce I'd be very suspicious because if that's the case again there's NO reason you two can't meet! To be absolutely sure if you know her name and place of work or you can pay the $8 to get her number, call, and or email her, just contact HER, but ONLY IF he claims he wants to DATE you exclusively and tell her you are considering dating Bob exclusively and want to make sure he is being honest about the impending divorce.

Don't be some man's mid life reinforcement that he still has it. You deserve better! I know what I'm saying is manipulative and possibly paranoid but I've had 2 friends who's husband's cheated and not just cheated physically which is bad enough but they cheated emotionally which hurt them worse. They had no idea it was happening, and they thought their marriage was great and there were no issues! These men are cunning, manipulative, and smart! I think especially after the hotel room Sarasota text you need and deserve some proof he really is getting divorced if you're going to continue investing your time and opening your heart in this relationship! I would not tell him you want proof just yet, I'd try other ways or what I suggested simply because he can always get someone to lie and play his soon to be ex wife and say what you want to hear.

All women including you deserve to be loved and to have a man all to themselves! In my opinion the most important thing in a any relationship is trust, without it you have nothing. Ask yourself "do I trust this man completely?" "Can I continue this nondating relationship with him without an explanation about Sarasota or with an explanation but knowing how he went about it and how much it hurt, do my feelings matter to him?"

The best of luck to you! Please keep us posted.

Remember should you leave him there's a reason you're no longer with him, don't go back to what you left! There's plenty more out there!

Re: Need Some Guidance

dex — Sun, 18 Jun 2017 13:55:09 GMT

I think he sent that text because he wants you to know that he is busy for the weekend and will not be in communication.He must have known he was going but was too much a coward to tell you ahead in case you needed any explanation.

i wouldn't trust him to be separated.I think like others that he is just having some extra fun on the side.

Re: Need Some Guidance

Ladygray — Sun, 18 Jun 2017 14:01:10 GMT

You are all so kind to take the time to respond to me.

It's like a sisterhood of caring friends, and I appreciate that.

Many of the things you've shared I've been too blind to see perhaps. it's funny how if I fail to respond to an e-mail or text, he questions me why.

We have met for lunch and met at the fundraising events since we've met. He also has met me at the park for walks. This coming weekend, he was going to take me to dinner, movie and just have more time to talk face to face. So, it's not only via social networking. I was really looking forward to next week.

We had a fundraising event a few weekends ago where we worked outdoors to help build a playground for kids. The whole time, he'd find ways to flirt like brushing up against me, reaching behind me for a tool and touching my waist, just those things that make you know he was doing it not by accident. I guess my emotions are taking over, and I'm not seeing things clearly.

I like him so much, so it's so hard to ignore my feelings. I'm not a weak woman or someone who hasn't had experience in relationships. I am usually much more perceptive of the jerks.

Re: Need Some Guidance

Plaid Pants2 — Sun, 18 Jun 2017 14:05:42 GMT

This guy has his own place to live that is seperate from the wife's.

If it's just casual back-and-forth, I would say that he is just busy spending time with his kids right now.

When you responded "Enjoy!", he probably thought that you were fine with everything.

I also wonder just how long he has been "seperated" from his wife.

But then again, Kate Hepbern was involved with Spencer Tracy, and he was still married, because the wife did not believe in divorce.

If this is the first time that he did this, that's one thing, but if is always doing this sort of thing, then I would question the relationship.

Re: Need Some Guidance

Melania — Sun, 18 Jun 2017 14:19:44 GMT

Dejavu anyone?

Re: Need Some Guidance

Ladygray — Sun, 18 Jun 2017 14:20:34 GMT

He's been separated for 6 months.

I wondered if writing "Enjoy" was the right thing to do. I just didn't want to appear upset or possessive. In a way, I feel his text (without any explanation) was meant to get a rise out of me for whatever reason. I think some men like to see a woman get all concerned and worried.

I felt by just saying "Enjoy" with no emoji's or exclamation points I was neither here nor there in my response. I was really upset, but in a way, it showed no emotion on my end and sort of shot down the "mysterious" game he was playing. I felt it made me look strong not like I was a worried fool as to going crazy to find out what was going on.

When he went to his son's girlfriend's graduation, he did the same thing, but I knew where he had gone. He texted me pics out his hotel room of the beautiful scenery. But, at that time, my old phone didn't accept photos for some reason and I didn't get them. Later that night, I got an e-mail asking why I didn't respond to his pictures and he sounded ******. I told him that phone will not allow me to open pictures. He sure gets miffed if he doesn't hear from me.

My "enjoy" wasn't because I was accepting of all of it. I just didn't know what to write back that wouldn't appear possessive or foolish. He might interpret as me being upset, but that's all I knew what to do at the time.