topic Re: Broken Hearted in Among Friends

Broken Hearted

Calcgirl — Tue, 06 Jun 2017 07:22:58 GMT

I was at the hospital awaiting to have a heart Ablation surgery and my son who lives 10 miles away wrote the following text, " Have fun with your procedure, having lunch with Nathan ( his son). He never came to the hospital. My daughter was there and I am a widow. He and I were always close until he married his second wife. I get along with her and do not interfer. Seldom invited to come over, they live a upper class lifestyle and I am a retired teacher. I never say anything to him about how much he hurts me with his general indifference, but it breaks my heart and I wish my heart would stop.

Re: Broken Hearted

blankette — Tue, 06 Jun 2017 08:06:05 GMT

Oh sweet heart, I am sending you a cyber hug. I know this exact pain personally and it is very very difficult to deal with. My son, and we are historically very close does this to me as well. He is in relationship now with a woman that he seems to be crazy about, yet there has been a subtle and ever noticeable kicking to the curb and meaness to me. I just do not understand it. It may be he has trouble having a strong close relationship with two women, it may be the influence of the woman in his life, I simply do not know. I do know it hurts. We are always last in line and we have done everything and more for him. My remedy is to take it for awhile, then I disturb his comfort level by returning the tone, and guess who is immediately upset. I just pray about it, thats all I can do. I put it before God above, and I know it is His will for parents to be honored. So take comfort in knowing you have the Lord himself on your side.And me too!

Re: Broken Hearted

Calcgirl — Tue, 06 Jun 2017 08:25:21 GMT

Thank you for your kind words. So many times I wish I could tell him how his indifference hurts me, but I have never been able to do so. I love him too much to hurt this feelings. I wonder if this intelligent, successful man and a father himself knows he breaks my heart. Maybe he just doesn't love me.

Re: Broken Hearted

qualitygal — Tue, 06 Jun 2017 10:44:40 GMT

@Calcgirl, some sons get this, some don't. As more time passes, I hope it gets better. If all else he does is good, accept and let this go, and you'll feel better. The less expectations we have of others, I think the less stress we put ourselves. JMHO

Re: Broken Hearted

meallen616 — Tue, 06 Jun 2017 09:14:42 GMT

calcgirl,

Sending you ,

Re: Broken Hearted

KingstonsMom — Tue, 06 Jun 2017 10:42:58 GMT

Re: Broken Hearted

freakygirl — Tue, 06 Jun 2017 11:39:44 GMT

calcgirl, i hope your surgery was successful and i hope your recovery will be quick and go smoothly.

i'm sorry though about your son. if you don't interfere and you get along with his second wife, i can't imagine why he's treating you that way. i say tell him. tell him exactly how his behavior hurts you. tell him everything you feel. don't spare his feelings. he sure doesn't spare yours. get all your hurt off your chest and then release him. by that i mean don't allow his indifference to negatively impact your life. you need to take care of your health. continue to be civil and hopefully one day he'll realize the error of his ways.

my thoughts are with you.

Re: Broken Hearted

RetRN — Tue, 06 Jun 2017 11:50:11 GMT

@Calcgirl, sadly what you are experiencing is not that uncommom. I'm so sorry you are being treated this way by your son, but you are not alone. Stay strong and take care of yourself. Enjoy the friendship and companionship of others, you can not change your son. Someday he may realize the poor choices he has made.

Re: Broken Hearted

Goldengate8361 — Tue, 06 Jun 2017 11:58:26 GMT

I am so sorry to hear this. You sound like you have a great daughter. More importantly, I hope you are ok and doing well now! I think that sometimes people are thoughtless and they don't even realize it. I hope you can find a way to somehow not dwell on it, but I know that's hard to do. Take care of yourself. I'm sending prayers and good vibes to you!

Re: Broken Hearted

Ibby114 — Tue, 06 Jun 2017 12:03:58 GMT

Sons are different than daughters, no matter how close we once were. He was thinking of you, he sent a text. It may not be what you were hoping for - but from that it seems there's an opportunity to have a conversation.

Re: Broken Hearted

queendiva — Tue, 06 Jun 2017 12:15:26 GMT

We teach people how to treat us, to paraphrase Dr. Phil. So true.

Your DS is a parent. he has the ability to grasp what you are feeling. Just hurting and not communicating is wrong on your part. He obviously was thinking about you enough to send a text, no matter how awkward or inappropriate. That is more than some moms get. Your relationship is with him, his wife has no part or blame in it.

As my sons are getting older and each has a fiance or gf in his life I tell them what I would like from each of them. Did this for Mothers Day. They each did as I requested. We were all happy with the outcome.

You know- guys often need at least a clue. Your daughter did not. Therein lies the difference. Mars and Venus.

Re: Broken Hearted

CareBears — Tue, 06 Jun 2017 18:52:38 GMT

@Calcgirl First of all, I hope you are recovering from your surgery comfortably, will keep you in my thoughts and prayers!

Second of all my husband and I are dealing with our daughter much the same way you are with your son, except our daughter is even refusing to talk to us. A couple of weeks ago, our son-in-law ran into my husband at the grocery store, my husband said "Hello" our son-in-law did not even acknowledge him, and left the store. On Labor Day we found out information that our daughter had been hiding from us (everybody else knew but not us) and that hurts us very very much, we both confronted her as she has been lying or holding back things over the years that benefit her with little regard to anyone else and their feelings, she is 30 years old and we both believe she is old enough to stop acting like life is all about "Her" and start thinking of how her decisions affect other people and their lives, she threw my husband out of the house, and has not spoken to us since! She even gave birth back in December and she never notified us of the birth, the date, the time, his size, no pictures, nothing! We have both reached out to her asking to speak to her like adults, and nothing! My sister from Florida was recently here and met the baby and spent time with our daughter, son-in-law and our grandson (and even spent Mother's Day with my daughter where I was never acknowledged), our daughter lives about 20 miles away from us and my sister and her husband spent 4 days with them and only wanted to give us 2 hours one day on their way out of town, both my husband and I had come down with a terrible flu going around our area and we were miserable the day they wanted to come over (throwing up, fever, chills) so we declined as we did not want to pass this YUCK onto them, now she is mad at me and not speaking to us either, and our daughter is running to them as her surrogate parents, which really hurts us! FYI, we have not seen my sister and her husband in 8 years, and her husband was with our son-in-law at the grocery store and all he did when he saw my husband was a head "BOB" as he called it. I confronted him on the phone and asked him how he could treat my husband that way and he told me that he did not want to disrespect our son-in-law and make him uncomfortable by talking to my husband, I guess disrespecting my husband and hurting him did not matter?

I am currently reading a book called "When parents hurt" as I have been beside myself over this situation, our daughter is our only child and we devoted our lives to her, we were a very close family and did almost everything together, and then she met her husband and for whatever reason he did not like us from the beginning and has made it very clear over the years!

I spend my days and nights wondering what we did so wrong that constitutes the treatment we are getting, I know we were not perfect parents, but to keep our grandson from us, everyone in the world can look at her Facebook page, they can see what our grandson looks like, and we have to sit here and wonder? People have said "Just go to her page and look, but seeing him would hurt so bad I don't know if my heart can take any more pain.

Today is their wedding anniversary and it kills me that I cannot acknowledge it, I honestly do not know if they would even open it or throw it away. I have several gifts for our grandson but I am afraid to send them for fear they would just throw them away? And my sister informed us "To Leave Them Alone", and has even accused me of stalking our daughter's Facebook page, I have not been to her Facebook page since Labor Day and that is the day I deleted my Facebook page and have not been back!

Sorry I did not mean to make this about me, but in a loooooooong way you are not the only one whose adult children hurt their parents, we have been dealing with rejection for about 12 years now, no matter what we did we were just not included in their lives.

I am sorry you are hurting, I do know how you feel, so cyber hugs to you, and I just keep telling myself over and over, "This cannot last forever" and I pray 24/7, 7 days a week that our daughter will wake up one day and see the light?

I would also like to add that we do not blame our situation on our son-in-law, it is never one person's fault but a combination, I do however wish that they would talk to us so we can sit down calmly and discuss a solution, ignoring us is NOT the answer!

One more item I would like to add is that this is the same sister who back in September of 2016 informed us that they were standing behind our daughter and her husband to cut us out of their lives, and in fact, my sister stated that until our daughter and son-in-law could forgive us, they too were cutting us out of their life, And then in April 2017 I get a card in the mail saying we are coming into town and would love to see you, just like that they wanted back in our lives and we were just supposed to forget the terrible things they accused us of and said to us before they knew any of the facts? I probably made myself sick by their playing with our emotions telling us one second we are out, and then the next second we are back in, and now we are out again, who should have to live like this? And FYI. before all of this our daughter only texted my sister and her husband about 4 times per year, and my sister has not lived in our home state where we and our daughter live in a number of years, so how could she possibly have all the answers now?

Re: Broken Hearted

Mominohio — Tue, 06 Jun 2017 12:55:13 GMT

I too hope you are doing well after your procedure and continue to have good health.

My mom has had the same type of experience with my brother (her only son). It has gone on for decades, has it's times where things are better than others, but in general is not the relationship she expects or deserves. In her case, it is because of a wife as well.

My mom is one 'tough old bird' but this bothers her and the older she gets, the more it does. People can say learn to accept it, move on, try to talk it out, return what you are given, or any other number of good ideas, but some things just aren't fixable. This one just might not be.

I know I would not let anymore time pass without having my say about it. Not that you would have to be dramatic or come on strong, and only you know the way and the tone that usually "reaches" your son (isn't a pain, the way we have to approach men, to get them to listen and comprehend what we are saying? How we say it, the timing, etc. I don't have this issue with other women!).

I have a philosophy, if you will, that you can only have the kind or level of relationship with someone, that the other person will allow. No matter how close you want to be, it really isn't all up to you. And that isn't really comforting, but if you look at it like that, it can help take some of the sting out of not getting the relationship you want with another person. A lot of it is beyond your control (so no guilt about what you have done wrong).

I have found that with my mother, when she stopped over giving of herself, forcing things, and treated him back the same way he treats her things seemed easier on her (maybe a little less disappointed because she didn't put herself out there to constantly be rejected). Sometimes with men in general, the less you ask, pry, expect, and interact, the more you get from them. On their own time, in their own way. I think some must feel trapped between women (their mom and wife, or their daughter and the step mom, etc.) and don't handle it well.

And in our case, my brother has shown high levels of selfishness and snobbery since high school. I always saw it, but my mom didn't (or more likely didn't want to). She can now admit it but it took her years to either see it or want to admit it even to herself,.

So part of getting past this is to have a truly eye opening look at your son in the past, and you will probably see this is not totally something new in his character, but perhaps has progressed over the years (or it was never directed at you in the past, but may have been evident in some of his other relationships). Sometimes we mom's have to take off those "rose colored glasses" and look at our children for what they truly are, not what we want/expect/raised them to be, what we hoped they would be, or even what they actually were at one point in their lives that was so good.

I wish I had a magic pill to 'cure' this. I think the older we get, the worse it hurts. Early on, when this happens, we are busy with finishing raising the kids, jobs, homes, marriages, etc. and it doesn't seem as big or as hurtful, as there are so many other things in our lives. As those things, one by one, are removed, those problems we have seem to become magnified as we have much more time to notice them and feel the effects of them more intensely.

Being a widow, (which my mom has been since 1979) seems to make the pain worse. I think we still see men as a foundation for our families. If your husband was a source of strength and responsibility, kind and compassionate, you probably raised your son to embrace those qualities. You probably envisioned him having the positive traits you tried to instill in him, and in this area, he falls short (at least right now at this point in his life).

My advice would be to make an attempt to get him to understand your feelings and what you want from him (some men just have to be told). Say it once, and move on. Nagging or being needy gets us nothing from men. If it doesn't change his behavior, then your two alternatives are to continue to feel slighted when you give more to the relationship than he does, or to back off in your expectations and in your actual participation in the relationship, to the level he will allow. At that point it is what it is, and no matter how you long for it to be 'different', you must concentrate your focus on other relationships that give you the fulfillment you desire.

Re: Broken Hearted

seaBreeze — Tue, 06 Jun 2017 13:00:03 GMT

Your story was compelling, but unfortunately I hear this from mothers with sons.

Some "men" and boys are wired this way ... that is no excuse but I see it in my husband's extended family. For some reason, daughters are more caring. I hate to bring this up (and I do not agree completely with this), but the command to "leave and cleave" to one's wife, and forsake mother and father is biblical. This does not mean to ignore parents, but the wife now has first priority.

Your son's text was completely unfounded, but one day, when he 'matures," he will see the error of his ways. I pray your health improves from your procedure, and that your son will be more thoughtful to your feelings.

Re: Broken Hearted

151949 — Tue, 06 Jun 2017 13:02:24 GMT

He can't read your mind. The only way he will know that he hurt you is if you tell him. I'm sure he didn't mean to hurt you, he was just thoughtless. Talk to him.

Re: Broken Hearted

Apple Crisp — Tue, 06 Jun 2017 14:15:48 GMT

I hope your procedure was successful and that you return to good health. For all who feel their sons are rejecting them, there is an old saying, "A daughter is a daughter all her life, a son is a son till he takes a wife." I think there are some very good thoughts in all of these comments. As others have said, don't demand more from someone then they can give.

Re: Broken Hearted

kaydee50 — Tue, 06 Jun 2017 15:00:42 GMT

As the saying goes, "A son is a son until he takes a wife, a daughter is a daughter for the rest of your life." You're afraid of hurting his feelings??? What abour your feelings?? In a nice way I would tell him what your expecations are and how disappointed you were. Hope all went well with the surgery.

Re: Broken Hearted

Calcgirl — Tue, 06 Jun 2017 16:10:24 GMT

Thank you all for your kind words and advice. As for the Ablation procedure, they discovered I have A fib and therefore I need a A Fib Ablation. Insureance requires I try medicine first, maybe it will do the trick. However the doctor was not confident regarding the medicine since I have low blood pressure and the meds decrease it even more.

My son's wife texted me that she had both Ablations, for a sum of three and it is no big deal. I am sure it was her way of comforting me and I agree, these procedures are very safe.

As for letting my son know how I feel, I am really not sure what to say without sounding like a whiny mother. I never complain to my children and always keep conversations with them on a positive tone because I don't want to push them away and really want them to love me because they do not out of guilt. so what do I tell him?

Re: Broken Hearted

NickNack — Tue, 06 Jun 2017 16:27:57 GMT

I don't think I would say anything to your son. His texting you was his way of telling you he was thinking about you. I'm afraid discussing it with him could result in an argument, and he still wouldn't change. I think a son's relationship with his mother is just different after he gets married. I'm so sorry it is hurting you.

Re: Broken Hearted

CareBears — Tue, 06 Jun 2017 17:19:23 GMT

@Calcgirl I wll definitely keep you in my thoughts and prayers, I have two heart conditions myself so have had my fair share of procedures, just listen to your doctors', do as they say and never be afraid to ask questions!

I too am the same way about confrontation so I am not the one to ask, I finally stood up for ourselves by trying to let our daughter know how much she has hurt us over the years by lying and keeping her actions from us (that ultimately affected our whole family) and what did we get, banned from not only our daughters life, but my sister as well.

I guess I should have sat back and kept my mouth shut, but I was tired of the way they were treating us and have been for years, if she had been anyone other than my daughter treating us that way I would have told them to take a hike years ago, but we love our daughter unconditionally and it is not so easy to accept that your own child can be so cold to her own parents!