topic Re: Forgiveness And/Or Forgetting???? in Among Friends

Forgiveness And/Or Forgetting????

pattypeep — Thu, 16 Feb 2017 19:16:05 GMT

Some 22 years ago my youngest brother did a really dirty deed to my mother and then lied to us siblings about it. He also continued to lie and do bad things when we tried to file for guardianship. Anyway, I've not spoken to him in all those years and my dh says he is not welcome in our home. The last words he spoke to me were "you're just jealous, you c**t, because you're not getting any inheritance". I hung up on him. I may be able to forgive him someday, but don't think I will ever forget. Am I a hard hearted hannah?

Re: Forgiveness And/Or Forgetting????

nana59 — Thu, 16 Feb 2017 19:26:36 GMT

You are absolutely NOT hard-hearted...I would not be able to forgive him...you deserve much more respect...

Re: Forgiveness And/Or Forgetting????

cherry — Thu, 16 Feb 2017 19:30:08 GMT

No, forgiveness, doesn't mean you forget. It only means you don't seek revenge on the person who hurt you

Revenge isn't the same thing as justice. It there are legal issues that are valid, you let the court settle them, instead of taking matters into your own hands

Re: Forgiveness And/Or Forgetting????

itscrystalclear — Thu, 16 Feb 2017 19:52:47 GMT

Forgiveness allows you to let go of the offense, it is not for the other person. To forgive allows you to move on and no longer be in bondage. Because of my beliefs, I also know that I have been extended forgiveness, so I must also forgive those who have wronged me. Forgiving doesn't say you agree with the wrong, but only that you no longer will be under it's power.

One of my favorite sayings is "before you embark on a journey of revenge, dig two graves first".

Re: Forgiveness And/Or Forgetting????

Mz iMac — Thu, 16 Feb 2017 19:48:33 GMT

NOPE!

Years ago, I stopped speaking & have NOTHING to do w/a family member because of the way he disrespected my mother. To this day, he is still telling lies to my mother.

I will NEVER forget or forgive. If my 92 yr old mother passes before me, if I don't kill him first and/or beat him to a pulp (to put it mildly), I am going to give him a piece of my mind. Afterwards, I am going to slap him so hard, his eyeballs will end up rolling on the floor trying to look up at me.

Re: Forgiveness And/Or Forgetting????

kelsey17 — Thu, 16 Feb 2017 19:53:40 GMT

Reading your post i have to say i would not be able to willing to forgive him....sounds like he probably wouldn't even appreciate it....

Re: Forgiveness And/Or Forgetting????

NicksmomESQ — Thu, 16 Feb 2017 19:54:25 GMT

@pattypeep I 'm with you!!! I too have a brother who treated my mom horribly!! I could write a book on his bad behavior!! It's been over 25 years since we have spoken.I don't intend on ever forgiving him!!! My wonderful mother died with a broken heart because of him.

I have wonderful friends who have become like family to us!! I focus on them & never look back!!

Re: Forgiveness And/Or Forgetting????

hckynut — Thu, 16 Feb 2017 19:54:58 GMT

@pattypeep

I don't remember or I would not ask. Is your mother still alive, and if not, was she alive after this "dirty deed"?

Myself and 2 of my 3 older sisters had some family issues. One was concerning my mother, the other was a situation with my oldest sister's daughter. These happened years apart, but both before my mother died in 1969.

This no speaking and avoiding each other lasted for a couple years with each sister with both of these older sisters. During these times I promised my mother we would be friendly while she was still alive. I kept that promise, even though it was not the same strong friendships, as it was prior to our disagreements.

We gradually got back to the point where we were/have a very close relationship. I cannot offer any suggestions as I do not know, nor do I want to know, the details. The only ones that can decide are those involved.

Best to you with your situation,

hckynut(john)

Re: Forgiveness And/Or Forgetting????

software — Thu, 16 Feb 2017 20:00:38 GMT

Would you accept that kind of behavior from a friend?

Then you don't have to from a family member.

@pattypeep

Re: Forgiveness And/Or Forgetting????

sweetee2 — Thu, 16 Feb 2017 20:29:08 GMT

I'm sure there are many of use who are dealing with this issue. My brother also turned into each evil man when my dad died. Even though there are only the to of us left, I sometimes think I like to make amends, then my hubby reminds me of what will likely happen. Anyway after a lot on thought , I have come so the realization of why he did what he did. I doesn't make it easier, but it has made sense. Like the other posters said "There real meaning of forgiveness is not letting it effect your life".

Re: Forgiveness And/Or Forgetting????

IMissSuperPoke — Thu, 16 Feb 2017 20:50:12 GMT

No, but I haven't spoken to my sister in five years over something less than that so I'm not one to go by I suppose. My issue was she had her wedding overseas right after I had hip surgery so she knew I wouldn't be able to go. She's had issue with me being the big sister and I never did much worse than the big brother on the Wonder Years! Ha ha I might have sped my car up while pretending to give her a ride, that sort of thing, but I was upset she didn't want me at her wedding.

Re: Forgiveness And/Or Forgetting????

Mz iMac — Thu, 16 Feb 2017 21:01:53 GMT

""There real meaning of forgiveness is not letting it effect your life"."

Not forgiving has not affected my life not one bit!

Re: Forgiveness And/Or Forgetting????

chiclets — Thu, 16 Feb 2017 21:01:58 GMT

Forgetting is not an option.

Forgiving will always be the oxymoron, not necessarily literally meant.

Re: Forgiveness And/Or Forgetting????

LIndaMJ — Thu, 16 Feb 2017 21:16:10 GMT

No, you are absolutely not hard-hearted! I also have a story of my own: when our mother was dying in the hospital, my sister (in name only) called and said she wondered "how much money we would get". I told her I wasn't the least bit interested in Mom's money, I wanted her too live. When Mom died about a week later, my sister told Mom's attorney that he need not divide the money as stated in Mom's will because I told her I wasn't interested.

Little did she know the attorney had to send me a letter of relinquishment which I refused to sign. This was November '02 , I havent spoken to her since, I am still trying to forgive her, but make certain of one thing-I will never speak to her again and will never, ever forget.

Re: Forgiveness And/Or Forgetting????

happycat — Thu, 16 Feb 2017 22:10:20 GMT

I don't think you are being hard hearted at all. I think you are being smart. I'm sorry your brother thought it was ok to talk to you and treat you like that. I think he should be ashamed. And good for your husband, for wanting to protect you.

Re: Forgiveness And/Or Forgetting????

pattypeep — Thu, 16 Feb 2017 23:11:14 GMT

@nana59 Thank you. As his only sister and oldest of four children, he being the youngest, I doted on him when he was growing up. So, I guess part of the sting is "how could you do this to me and speak to me like this?"

Re: Forgiveness And/Or Forgetting????

pattypeep — Thu, 16 Feb 2017 23:15:53 GMT

@cherry @itscrystalclear It makes so much sense since you put it that way. I guess I thought maybe I needed to "forgive" him by telling him I do and I don't want to. I have gotten on with my life with my dh's help and with my loving brother whom I lost a couple of years ago. He was all I had left as our oldest brother died about 10 years ago. Thank you so much for the enlightenment.

Re: Forgiveness And/Or Forgetting????

pattypeep — Thu, 16 Feb 2017 23:19:19 GMT

@NicksmomESQ The same thing with my mother. Her two boys whom she favored the most out of the four of us took her for everything they could as soon as dad died. She figured it out and it absolutely broke her heart.

Re: Forgiveness And/Or Forgetting????

pattypeep — Thu, 16 Feb 2017 23:27:31 GMT

@hckynut Yes, she was still with us. She passed about ten years ago. He basically stole her house and moved her into a shack. He lied to her over and over and over. She was talking to a friend one day and they told her it sounded fishy and to consult an attorney. She did and the attorney threatened to sue him and he ceased talking to her at all. Like it was her fault. All she had after dad died was the house and bad brother for sure wanted to get 100% of it because her estate was to be split three ways. (Mom had written the oldest son from her will for stealing her car and other things of dads.) Funny thing, I never even thought about the inheritance angle until he said that awful thing to me on the phone. I was originally angry with him for moving mom into a dump. I didn't know about this house "exchange" until mom called me at work one day to tell me she was moving. What ??? And I live in the same town.

Re: Forgiveness And/Or Forgetting????

pattypeep — Thu, 16 Feb 2017 23:28:20 GMT

@software Good point. Thank you.