topic Re: Starting over in Among Friends

Starting over

Elom — Sat, 21 Jan 2017 15:54:23 GMT

How do you start over at age 67? I would appreciate any advice or suggestions. My husband died suddenly a few years ago and since then I was left with the task of selling our home of 8 yrs in a state where he was employed at the time, I then put belongings in storage and went to a cabin in the mtns to sell which I haven't had success. So with only two grown children and no family it is quite the dilemma.

It is not the social part that is the stumbling block but the where and how that is. Thank you, I have always had good help and responses from this forum.

Re: Starting over

qualitygal — Sat, 21 Jan 2017 16:10:14 GMT

I personally would go to church. There's women's groups, music soothes the soul or comforts, and soon you'll have new friends, I would hope. That's my choice for me if I'm ever in your position. I wish you good luck. One day at a time, one step at a time.

Re: Starting over

Elom — Sat, 21 Jan 2017 16:16:16 GMT

Yes thank you I have a strong faith but I am at my daughters right now and definitely do not want to live here or with her. I think I need a small miracle at this point.

Re: Starting over

henderson — Sat, 21 Jan 2017 16:18:15 GMT

Grieving is the most difficult part. We lost our 33 yr old son in 2010. My husband and I went to GriefShare classes. Even though it's been 6 years, there's still in hole in my heart. I will be turning 70 soon. Our only son age 44 lives in another state and just got engaged. We have no biological grandchildren. Only my faith has gotten us thru our grief and there will be days, events that will trigger the tears. Are you looking for a new place to live? How about a community where there are others your age?

Re: Starting over

LTT1 — Sat, 21 Jan 2017 16:24:29 GMT

@Elom @qualitygal

I am very sorry for you and your situation at this time. I do not look forward to the days of one of us being without the other.

I am not a particularly social person, I don't think.

The things that occupy my mind are hobbies: I love playing with photo apps on my phone and I love reading/computering.

When you begin to feel isolated, get out if you can!

I have noticed that starting something even when you don't feel all that interested in it, begets opportunity to use that new interest. For instance, I made movies for the high school drill team and this gave me incentive to become more involved with video-ing!

Re: Starting over

Quse — Sat, 21 Jan 2017 16:33:57 GMT

First of all, I'm sorry for your loss.

The main thing would be to figure out exactly what you want. And there is the hard part. The battle between the 2 ears.

I'm not sure exactly what you're asking, since you said it wasn't the social part, so I'm inferring that it's monetary..can't move on until you sell the cabin. Unfortunately, depending on the proximity of the cabin to a major city, that's not usually something that sells quickly. There are some websites that cater to specific niche real estate (ocean, cabins), so you could try listing there. Also use every social media avenue available (Facebook, Instagram, Twitter) post pictures of the cabin, etc (tell a story inviting people to love the cabin)..and if that seems daunting, you're on this forum, so you are more tech saavy than you think...it's not much different and not difficult to learn.

I'm not sure if you want to live near your daughter (some people do, some don't)...so deciding what you want will be your question. You could maybe get a small apartment somewhere? Perhaps you have some talent that you could parlay into a part time income. Many people create items and sell them on Etsy or Ebay. Also, I just discovered a useful website that I really like called The Penny Hoarder. They have all kinds of tips for saving money, part time jobs, etc...

And don't fall for the "I'm too old to start over"...my father, who will be 97 in April, had to move a few years back and never thought he could leave his house after my mother died. He goes to happy hour every Friday, works part time in a store and takes Quantum Physics and Calculus courses for fun.

Once you decide what you really want, half the battle is already over. Good luck!

Re: Starting over

cherry — Sat, 21 Jan 2017 16:43:49 GMT

I don't have any solutions for you, but a suggestion. Keep your mind busy, even if its only doing crosswords, or a jigsaw puzzle, or playing games online

It will help keep you from constantly dwelling on unhappy thoughts

God Bless you

Re: Starting over

software — Sat, 21 Jan 2017 17:10:25 GMT

I'm very sorry for your loss.

My beloved passed 4 years ago but I did not have to sell my primary residence.

I did have to sell 2 other homes we owned and it was a pain so I identify with your situation.

If you've raised kids and had a husband all your adult life, then I'm sure you pretty much did everything for them, while you took a back seat.

Now you can do everything for YOU.

Put yourself first.

If you find yourself making decisions because it's what your husband or kids would want, stop. You can honor his memory in other ways. And your kids are grown, they can take care of themselves.

That's all the advice I can give without knowing more about your circumstance.

@Limbo4now wrote:
How do you start over at age 67? I would appreciate any advice or suggestions. My husband died suddenly a few years ago and since then I was left with the task of selling our home of 8 yrs in a state where he was employed at the time, I then put belongings in storage and went to a cabin in the mtns to sell which I haven't had success. So with only two grown children and no family it is quite the dilemma.
It is not the social part that is the stumbling block but the where and how that is. Thank you, I have always had good help and responses from this forum.

Re: Starting over

MalteseMomma — Fri, 03 Feb 2017 16:53:28 GMT

@Limbo4now wrote:
How do you start over at age 67? I would appreciate any advice or suggestions. My husband died suddenly a few years ago and since then I was left with the task of selling our home of 8 yrs in a state where he was employed at the time, I then put belongings in storage and went to a cabin in the mtns to sell which I haven't had success. So with only two grown children and no family it is quite the dilemma.
It is not the social part that is the stumbling block but the where and how that is. Thank you, I have always had good help and responses from this forum.

@Elom

About 3 yrs after my DH died,I was suddenly thinking ,well noone is gonna get me out of this (grief/ life style/aloneness, but me! My adult kids had done all they could for me but I was sensing I needed more.......

So I thought of things I liked to do. however small they were.I was always a homegal and enjoyed my home and family even though they were grown.My home/family were my only interest all my life.

I thought ,well ,I like birdfeeding.I had birdfeeders outside I loved to watch. This was a very small thing that opened the doors to my life again.

I read in my newspaper there was a birdwatching walk in a park near me. So I went .I enjoyed it very much ,there were people of all ages

I happened to strike up a conversation with the leader and she told me of a Nature Center very near me that I never knew was there..lol She offered to take me there the next day or so.

I went and loved it.I joined the Audobon Society that held it's meetings there and made friends with many people and went all over on bird watching trips with them .

Not only that,but I joined the Nature Center and became a volunteer Trail Guide. I took groups of all ages, into the woods and told them what they were seeing (went to classes) Taught school kids about lots of stuff.lol I loved it,really loved it.I made many new friends and we enjoyed doing things together.I went to lunches and Tea's and Cocktail parties all having to do with the Nature Center...lol I met many influential people. Quite a change for a homegal...lol

From there I started to volunteer in church and local hospital.I especially went in when others wanted to be home with families on special holidays.I was offered a top job in the Hospital but loved volunteering more so I refused it.. I went far in all those yrs and became a top notch volunteer and made a wonderful impt life for myself. Who would think i would get honors and medals from everywhere.lol....(not bragging) I sang in my church Choir in Lincoln Center and Carnegie Hall, NYC during Christmas Holidays Worked in soup kitchens,taught kids CCD classed and became the Director of Religous Ed in my church. I got 2 very special medals from the Pope. I could go on and on ,this was over 25 yrs of volunteering.

I say all this because it all started with a simple little thing I did everyday, like feeding birds and it brought me all around the world.........litterally!

You can do it @Elom start small.............I wish you the best of everything as you move forward...........

Re: Starting over

RedTop — Sat, 21 Jan 2017 17:39:36 GMT

Have you thought about renting the cabin for income until you can sell it? Several of the state parks in my area of southern WV have cabins for rent, and guests love to stay there.

One of my friends from work schedules frequent weekend visits with her children who live in different states, 8 and 12 hours away, by finding a halfway point to meet and stay. They found rental cabins in the 2 states, and meet their kids about every 2 months or so. This way no one has the entire drive, so there's more time to visit with less stress.

My BIL's extended family has rented cabins here for more than 20 years. They live in a big city, but love the country experience on their weekend visits, and holiday vacations. They bring their clothes, toiletries and food, and then try to get in as much porch time as possible--in the porch swing and rocking chairs.

I am 61, and my husband is in poor health. The situation you're in has crossed my mind many times. My goal is to remain right here in this house until I die.

Sending prayers and best wishes as you navigate a new stage of your life.

Re: Starting over

Keeper of the koi — Sat, 21 Jan 2017 17:50:29 GMT

@Elom, I dont have advice for you, but it is just my sweet husband and I , i wonder how life will be without each other.May i pray for you ?I hope you find a knot in the rope to hang on to. I feel so for you.Maybe when time goes on you will se e more clearly . Sometimes in service to others we find ourselves , maybe volunteer?adopt a pet in need? can i have your first name or nickname to include you in prayer?Love and hugs across the lines,Maryanne

Re: Starting over

blackhole99 — Sat, 21 Jan 2017 18:48:19 GMT

I don't know how isolated or accommodated your cabin in the mountains is, but I would just stay there. If you are in good health and like animals you could always get a dog or cat. I'm not a social person so a cabin in the woods with my pets would do me just fine. Good luck.

Re: Starting over

qualitygal — Sat, 21 Jan 2017 19:15:26 GMT

Another thought, visit your library. I once read that you should frequent (if you can) the places you enjoy going to. There, you're more likely to meet more people with the same likes that you have. That would be the best of all worlds at this point for you I'd bet.

I know others will say, volunteer too and that's fine, but I like the above idea first. Some people aren't quite open or available to volunteer.

If I lived closer to a vet's hospital, I'd go visit some of the people there, write letters or read or just set and visit with some of them. People in places like that, might appreciate a visitor. Those are just ideas I'm suggesting, as to some I might try.

Re: Starting over

kelsey17 — Sat, 21 Jan 2017 20:02:16 GMT

@Limbo4now wrote:
How do you start over at age 67? I would appreciate any advice or suggestions. My husband died suddenly a few years ago and since then I was left with the task of selling our home of 8 yrs in a state where he was employed at the time, I then put belongings in storage and went to a cabin in the mtns to sell which I haven't had success. So with only two grown children and no family it is quite the dilemma.
It is not the social part that is the stumbling block but the where and how that is. Thank you, I have always had good help and responses from this forum.

I think if it was me......(and i know people who have done the same...) I would find the area you want to live in and then look into assisted living.....you could decide how much or how little you might want to be involved in any activites offered.......but there would be others around if you needed help or assistance.......and others in the same age range...........or a 55 and older community where they offer services you may need OR you could be as private as you wish....may near your daughters home......

Re: Starting over

Elom — Sat, 21 Jan 2017 21:57:45 GMT

Thank you all for the heartfelt suggestions and thoughts. It gave me ideas going forward and it seems hopeless at times but only I can change that. I have some ideas as to where I might like to live. I just need a boost to get out there and do it!

Ques your story of your father was touching and MalteseMama I could see myself doing what you did. So many positive thoughts, I truly needed that I was so doubting myself.

i don't have any family so that plays a huge part in all of this. Again Thanks for the positive!

@Re: Starting over

ladyroxanne — Sat, 21 Jan 2017 23:05:22 GMT

has your cabin been on the market long? do you have to wait to sell it in order to find new housing?

maybe you could lower the asking price to get a buyer. if you don't have to wait in order to move, you may want to look around to see if there you can find something you like. you seem awfully young to go into assisted living, but maybe a 50+ community might interest you.

best of luck! @Elom

Re: @Re: Starting over

KarenQVC — Sun, 22 Jan 2017 01:16:33 GMT

I can only say what I would do @Elom. If $ were tight, I would get into subsidized housing in a location that pleased me. You may wish to be near one of your kids in case you get sick in the future. That aside, I would do what I have already done. I would move to a college town with good services for older people and a good hospital. We chose Ann Arbor, but there are many places like that in other states. People in college towns are friendly and there is so much to do for next to no $.

Re: @Re: Starting over

GCR18 — Sun, 22 Jan 2017 02:54:52 GMT

I think deciding where you want to live needs to resolved before you can start over. It sounds like you've been living in the cabin 8 years. Do you like living there or would be out if there if it sold? Is the money you get from the sale a nest egg or you need it to live on? I think answering those questions will point you in the direction.

If you want to or finacially have to live in the cabin, I'm guessing it's close enough to a small city. Look for some volunteer work. What did you used to love to do, but haven't done it in forever? Or what did you always want to do?

If the cabin is a nest egg and you are financially stable without the money, I'd drop the price to move it. Not give it away, but a good drop. That may mean a new realtor. I'm also guessing you don't want to live in the town where you used to live. I would consider a state based on weather, cost of living, etc. and move there. Perhaps go there before the cabin sells and check it out.

Look at it as an adventure. Get out there and start living. Good luck on your choices.

Re: Starting over

Annabellethecat66 — Sun, 22 Jan 2017 03:13:16 GMT

@Elom I understand. I always say we belong to a club that no one wants to belong to but unfortunately people are joining more and more at our age (I'm 70). I was 58 when my husband died (I won't go into it everyone here has seen it too many times).

I am STILL in the house we had with all of our 'stuff'. My 3 daughters are after me to sell it and move into a smaller house. The house is very large and sits on 1 acre. I don't even go into some of the rooms. I also agree it's daunting.

You are ahead of me if you've already downsized, so that's good. OK, this is coming from someone who has experienced what you have. I'd say you should think about moving into a place where there are a MIXTURE of ages. Please don't move into a place where everyone is old. There's something to be said for taking a walk and running into mom's pushing babies and dad's running and teenagers and their enthusiasm for life. You didn't say what your finances are but it sounds like you could afford a nice condo. I love my girls but I'd never want to live with them, near them, yes, but not with them....ugh!

People say, "You've gotten over his sudden death so well". What the hay? I know they mean well but you never GET OVER IT, you learn to live with it. I have a friend who's a younger widow. She's been a widow longer but she's 9 years younger than me. She doesn't date though. We go to lunch or dinner maybe 4 times a week. She helps get me out of the house other than the Drs. I have a daughter who lives maybe 40 minutes away and I see her when it works for both of us (I usually go over there because she has 4 children in 4 different schools).

I think you should try to find a friend to do stuff with and if you can't try going to a place like Bingo. I know a lot of people who've met friends at Bingo believe it or not, they have a ball! I have a lot of friends in the area from high school and that's a good idea to meet them every now and then. One leads to another and on and on. It's fun to talk about 'the old days'.

Churches are always a good idea. There are more Boomers now than ever and unfortunately more widow (male and female) Boomers than ever.

So....go ahead and start planning and it won't be long before you have your own place and your own friends. There will come a time when you'll say, "I'm busy this day, how about another day".

I need to take my own advice. I fully intend to do it. I have friends who are helping me pack up 50 years worth of family life. When I get tired I'm hiring a company to come in and pack it up (there are companies that do that). My daughter hired them when she moved to Denver.

My girls want me to just move out of the house (with everything in it) and buy another house and THEN sell this one. I can't leave this house alone like this. Good grief!

Anyway, please come back and tell us how you are doing. I'll let you know what's going on with me. There's a group here called Widows and they are amazing. Click on to them too. Fondly, Annabelle/Linda

Re: Starting over

Snowpuppy — Sun, 22 Jan 2017 03:22:18 GMT

Do you want to move out of the cabin and back to the city or are you financially comfortable? Often costs are much lower living rural.

RedTop gave great advice to rent your cabin if it's near hunting/fishing/state parks, etc. It's popular here in Northern MI. Find a realtor to handle the rentals for you.

You might find getting your things out of storage and living with them or parting with them a step in the right direction.

Be cautious with church activities. You'll find people who have an agenda and they may see you as a vulnerable widow. With assets and a warm roof over your head.