topic Re: Elderly Man's Description Of Grief in Among Friends

Elderly Man's Description Of Grief

ECBG — Sun, 15 Jan 2017 19:18:27 GMT

I will say that I do own his description of grief as waves. I thought this was a very heartfelt description.

Re: Elderly Man's Description Of Grief

qualitygal — Sun, 15 Jan 2017 19:28:03 GMT

He's absolutely right.

Re: Elderly Man's Description Of Grief

Annabellethecat66 — Sun, 15 Jan 2017 19:35:22 GMT

He's right about the grief. Usually when I talk about my husband dying in my arms, it's as if I detach myself and can talk about it with little emotion.

However, when I'm alone and in my thoughts I go back to that morning and relive every detail. Somehow it's important for me to remember every detail, yet is unbelievably painful.

It's a part of me, I know that. It was our final time together, when we were alone, just the two of us, as he went to Heaven.

But the grief never ends. You just (as they say) put one foot in front of the other. You smile and are happy but in the back of your mind, you remember every detail because ........

I've been lucky (or unlucky) depending on how you look at it to be present when my Mother took her last breath and my husband took his. That, will make you humble.

Re: Elderly Man's Description Of Grief

151949 — Sun, 15 Jan 2017 19:49:30 GMT

I can really relate to what he said about the waves. For the first few months all I could do was hang on and try to breathe.It was so emotionally painful - words can't describe it. Then by the time 3 months had gone by I started to see that I had to begin to take some actions. By then I was able to function a little bit so I got a job. Working was the very best thing to ever happen to me. I sold the house I could not afford to keep , I found a place to live and moved. I actually started to care for my kids instead of them caring for me. Working and having something else to concentrate on was what brought the waves down to half the size for me. Losing custody of my step kids somewhat took me back to the beginning again, but I had no choice except to continue to function. Eventually time makes grief tolerable.The other things that demand your attention make things tolerable. Friends make things tolerable. However - my first husband died 38 years ago yet thinking of him still makes me a little bit sad.

Re: Elderly Man's Description Of Grief

blackhole99 — Sun, 15 Jan 2017 20:27:49 GMT

Most people really never get over a loved ones death and not all people grieve the same way. The old man's description of his feelings is valid for him, but not me. The one thing that rubs me the wrong way is when people give you advice after someones death and tell you how to feel.

Re: Elderly Man's Description Of Grief

MacDUFF — Sun, 15 Jan 2017 20:35:13 GMT

I always disagreed with the "time heals all wounds" saying. I don't think time "heals" wounds, but it does do...something...lessens the gaping hole or makes the wound tolerable or allows life to cover the wound so it's not as red hot. I like this man's description of grief coming in "waves," which I know to be true.

I especially loved this "...in between waves, there is life...." Yes, in between waves of lessening grief, there is life, joy, laughter, warmth, memories, love. Perhaps time just allows us to focus more on the things of life and less on the grief.

Some wounds never "heal," they just become part of you...the scar.

Thanks for posting @ECBG...beautiful words to live by.

Re: Elderly Man's Description Of Grief

ECBG — Sun, 15 Jan 2017 20:38:00 GMT

@MacDUFF wrote:
I always disagreed with the "time heals all wounds" saying. I don't think time "heals" wounds, but it does do...something...lessens the gaping hole or makes the wound tolerable or allows life to cover the wound so it's not as red hot. I like this man's description of grief coming in "waves," which I know to be true.

I especially loved this "...in between waves, there is life...." Yes, in between waves of lessening grief, there is life, joy, laughter, warmth, memories, love. Perhaps time just allows us to focus more on the things of life and less on the grief.

Some wounds never "heal," they just become part of you...the scar.

Thanks for posting @ECBG...beautiful words to live by.

@MacDUFF,As far as my life, time has not healed. Some days are better, some aren't. Late January is the worst for me.

Re: Elderly Man's Description Of Grief

151949 — Sun, 15 Jan 2017 20:54:03 GMT

@ECBG wrote:
@MacDUFF wrote:
I always disagreed with the "time heals all wounds" saying. I don't think time "heals" wounds, but it does do...something...lessens the gaping hole or makes the wound tolerable or allows life to cover the wound so it's not as red hot. I like this man's description of grief coming in "waves," which I know to be true.

I especially loved this "...in between waves, there is life...." Yes, in between waves of lessening grief, there is life, joy, laughter, warmth, memories, love. Perhaps time just allows us to focus more on the things of life and less on the grief.

Some wounds never "heal," they just become part of you...the scar.

Thanks for posting @ECBG...beautiful words to live by.

@MacDUFF,As far as my life, time has not healed. Some days are better, some aren't. Late January is the worst for me.

I don't know how long it has been but a lot has to do with your attitude. You can be mourning the rest of your life, or you can begin to rejoin the world of the living.It's all up to you, and when you are ready. It is sad when a person allows grief to overcome all their happiness for years and years.I know an elderly woman whose DH died and for the next 8 years she did nothing but grieve and wish to die. She was healthy and perfectly mentally alert, but she just would not let herself heal from his loss.

Re: Elderly Man's Description Of Grief

sweetee2 — Sun, 15 Jan 2017 21:27:30 GMT

We'll, that brought on a wave. December is the hardest for me. That was very beautiful. This stage of our lives are hard for us. Our parents are gone. My hubby has no family left. I only have my brother, but because of what he did after dad died I don't talk to him anymore. It's hard getting use to this stage of life. Where did the time go.

Re: Elderly Man's Description Of Grief

QVCkitty1 — Sun, 15 Jan 2017 21:30:10 GMT

I don't know who wrote this, but I wrote it down because it seemed true at least to me

Grief

grief never ends

it's a passage, not a place to stay

grief is not a sign of weakness, nor a lack of faith

It's the price of love.

Re: Elderly Man's Description Of Grief

151949 — Sun, 15 Jan 2017 23:56:43 GMT

@blackhole99 wrote:
Most people really never get over a loved ones death and not all people grieve the same way. The old man's description of his feelings is valid for him, but not me. The one thing that rubs me the wrong way is when people give you advice after someones death and tell you how to feel.

I think when a person can't get past the death of a loved one in a reasonable time - a year or so say, and they stay in that state of deep painful mourning, they need to see a professional counselor. This is not good mental health.

Re: Elderly Man's Description Of Grief

roeroe1005 — Mon, 16 Jan 2017 03:08:06 GMT

indoor kitty,

I would like to "borrow" that definition from you.

My 38 year old cousin committed suicide 3 days before Christmas, and, needless to say, her sister is having a very difficult time dealing with the pain. I would like to share it with Anna.

thank you.

Re: Elderly Man's Description Of Grief

QVCkitty1 — Mon, 16 Jan 2017 15:44:54 GMT

@roeroe1005 wrote:
indoor kitty,
I would like to "borrow" that definition from you.

My 38 year old cousin committed suicide 3 days before Christmas, and, needless to say, her sister is having a very difficult time dealing with the pain. I would like to share it with Anna.

thank you.

I'm sorry for your loss.

Re: Elderly Man's Description Of Grief

qvcaddition — Mon, 16 Jan 2017 15:55:41 GMT

It,s a good description. I lost my furry baby in 2002, and the pain was great, as those of us here who have pets know. Two weeks later and many tears, I found my husband dead in bed. The waves got even bigger. It took at least two years for the wAves to get just a little smaller.

I now have my best friend And she is a furry one. Just me and her, you can imagine the rest.

Re: Elderly Man's Description Of Grief

kimbobimbo — Mon, 16 Jan 2017 16:09:24 GMT

As a social worker and somebody who is grieving over the death of her husband, I can tell you that everybody's grief is unique and personal - there's no real timeline for grief. One year is nothing in the scheme of things and it is perfectly "normal" for lack of another word if somebody is still grieving after a year. It is not a sign of bad "mental health". The goal is to integrate the grief into your life so that you can function and move forward (not "on", but "forward.)

@151949 wrote:
@blackhole99 wrote:
Most people really never get over a loved ones death and not all people grieve the same way. The old man's description of his feelings is valid for him, but not me. The one thing that rubs me the wrong way is when people give you advice after someones death and tell you how to feel.
I think when a person can't get past the death of a loved one in a reasonable time - a year or so say, and they stay in that state of deep painful mourning, they need to see a professional counselor. This is not good mental health.

Re: Elderly Man's Description Of Grief

Vivian — Mon, 16 Jan 2017 17:35:16 GMT

It's like the famous aphorism that it's better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. Those of us who have gone through the death of a beloved pet understand that. It prepares us for the loss of our friends, our parents, and more pets. It's never easy but the joy of love outweighs the pain of loss.

Re: Elderly Man's Description Of Grief

151949 — Mon, 16 Jan 2017 17:51:09 GMT

@kimbobimbo wrote:
As a social worker and somebody who is grieving over the death of her husband, I can tell you that everybody's grief is unique and personal - there's no real timeline for grief. One year is nothing in the scheme of things and it is perfectly "normal" for lack of another word if somebody is still grieving after a year. It is not a sign of bad "mental health". The goal is to integrate the grief into your life so that you can function and move forward (not "on", but "forward.)
@151949 wrote:
@blackhole99 wrote:
Most people really never get over a loved ones death and not all people grieve the same way. The old man's description of his feelings is valid for him, but not me. The one thing that rubs me the wrong way is when people give you advice after someones death and tell you how to feel.
I think when a person can't get past the death of a loved one in a reasonable time - a year or so say, and they stay in that state of deep painful mourning, they need to see a professional counselor. This is not good mental health.

Wouldn't you think it is not a sign of good mental health that a person wouldn't desire to get through the deep painful time of mourning ? Mourning is something we need to go through - then come out of - not a place to live forever. Certainly , if that is how you desire to live the remainder of your life - have at it. If I was finding I could not get myself through this stage I would find an appropriate doctor and ask for help.Why would anyone WANT to live in such emotional pain?It was the most brutal thing I've ever gone through.

Re: Elderly Man's Description Of Grief

151949 — Mon, 16 Jan 2017 19:24:35 GMT

@Vivian I certainly agree with this. I am so fortunate to have had the most wonderful parents, grandparents & Aunts & uncles and yes, it was painful to lose them. But my life was so enriched by having them in the first place.

Re: Elderly Man's Description Of Grief

Plaid Pants2 — Mon, 16 Jan 2017 18:11:45 GMT

@151949 wrote:
@kimbobimbo wrote:
As a social worker and somebody who is grieving over the death of her husband, I can tell you that everybody's grief is unique and personal - there's no real timeline for grief. One year is nothing in the scheme of things and it is perfectly "normal" for lack of another word if somebody is still grieving after a year. It is not a sign of bad "mental health". The goal is to integrate the grief into your life so that you can function and move forward (not "on", but "forward.)
@151949 wrote:
@blackhole99 wrote:
Most people really never get over a loved ones death and not all people grieve the same way. The old man's description of his feelings is valid for him, but not me. The one thing that rubs me the wrong way is when people give you advice after someones death and tell you how to feel.
I think when a person can't get past the death of a loved one in a reasonable time - a year or so say, and they stay in that state of deep painful mourning, they need to see a professional counselor. This is not good mental health.

Wouldn't you think it is not a sign of good mental health that a person wouldn't desire to get through the deep painful time of mourning ? Mourning is something we need to go through - then come out of - not a place to live forever. Certainly , if that is how you desire to live the remainder of your life - have at it. If I was finding I could not get myself through this stage I would find an appropriate doctor and ask for help.Why would anyone WANT to live in such emotional pain?It was the most brutal thing I've ever gone through.

I am going to take a wild guess, and say that for some people, they might be afraid that if they start to heal, that that might mean that they didn't love the person enough, or that they might forget them, or that they are prooving just how much they loved the person by staying in that place.

I dunno.

As I said, it's just a guess.

Re: Elderly Man's Description Of Grief

game-on — Mon, 16 Jan 2017 20:42:31 GMT

Sometimes people have a difficult time grieving losses because they are not just grieving the loss that has happened, but they are still grieving other losses from their past.

Caregivers often have a difficult time.... they have to deal with not only the loss of the person they have been taking care of, but also they have to deal with their own health issues. Many have not dealt with themselves when caring for others.... so when the person has passed they are often exhausted. This can be both mental and physical.