topic Re: Advice needed please in Among Friends

Advice needed please

Thrive — Fri, 30 Dec 2016 19:21:46 GMT

My father passed away December of last year. He had a female friend for a year or so prior to his illness. As a result of them becoming close, he shared a lot of information with her. She shared that information with me over the phone recently and said that it was information that should not be shared with my husband or my sister's husband. One thing that she stated to me was that my dad told her that I more than likely still had the inheritance that my mother left me. However, my sister probably spent all of hers. She told me some other sensitive information that my dad had already shared with my sister and I. She said that she was not going to share it with any of the other family members on my dad's side. She said that it would be kept secret. The reason why I am asking for advice is because I don't think she should have made that statement about my sister to me. I don't think it is any of her business and she didn't need to share it with me.

She is a very emotionally needy kind of person. As a result, my sister invited her for Thanksgiving dinner and I invited her for Christmas dinner. Obviously she was close to my father. However, I don't feel that she is close enough to me or my sister to have that kind of conversation. I also feel that her suggestion about not sharing the information with our husbands is strange. In fact, my husband and dad were close and my husband is already aware of the information she shared. What do you think? I am starting to feel uncomfortable with her. She asked me to call her once a month to stay in touch. I didn't share my feeling with my sister. However, my husband said that he thought it was out of place and he was the one who wanted me to invite her for Christmas dinner. Should I keep my distance?

Re: Advice needed please

KarenQVC — Fri, 30 Dec 2016 19:34:43 GMT

What she says makes no difference in reality. Just regard it as hearsay--but it is not good hearsay. None of her business and starting trouble.

Re: Advice needed please

Thrive — Fri, 30 Dec 2016 19:38:04 GMT

Thank you !

Re: Advice needed please

Krimpette — Fri, 30 Dec 2016 19:42:05 GMT

I think it's wrong of a stranger (yes, I'm saying "stranger", since the relationship was relatively short), to tell you not to say anything to your husband, etc. She's not family. I'd probably ignore that part of her conversation with you (unless you distinctly promised to honor her dictate). I'd probably be inclined to limit contact with, and would ignore the requests for monthly contact. Just based on the info you described, she sounds like a busybody/trouble-maker to me. JMHO.

Re: Advice needed please

RetRN — Fri, 30 Dec 2016 19:43:19 GMT

I would have no contact with her. Stay clear of trouble.

Re: Advice needed please

cherry — Fri, 30 Dec 2016 19:45:40 GMT

It's none of her business what your sister does with her own money. Remember ,a dog that will pick up a bone, will also carry one.

Watch out for her, she is a trouble maker

Re: Advice needed please

QVCkitty1 — Fri, 30 Dec 2016 19:52:26 GMT

She sounds shady, she has no right to tell you who to share information with. jMO.

Re: Advice needed please

Lilysmom — Fri, 30 Dec 2016 20:00:30 GMT

@Thrive, I am sorry for your loss. My advice is to be pleasant when and if you see her but not to go out of your way to associate with her.

My experience with situations like this is that distance is best. She was a very small part of your father's life and you have no obligation to maintain this contact especially if it can cause strife in your family. She will get the message eventually. Just don't seek her out and make no commitments when she seeks you out. LM

Re: Advice needed please

pattiewaddle — Fri, 30 Dec 2016 20:01:02 GMT

I think your Dad shared his thoughts with her as adults do with one another.Maybe he felt he could tell her things that he would rather not share with anyone else. In some ways I would be glad she told you...This does not mean she is trying to cause trouble...I would keep this to my self and be aware of her actions and just wait and see what comes of it....Why cause anymore trouble and just be ware of the information.....Maybe it was not wise to share this information but he did anyway. He must have felt he could trust her.There is a reason for you to know this right now for what ever is to come of it. Just wait and see what develops.......My Dad had a girlfriend and they were close so he told her alot of the family problems needless to say I wasn't too happy either but as time went on I understood he needed someone to talk to understand his side of the problem.....Years have passed now and it really didn't change my life or how I felt about my Dad so this will pass as well.Stay close to your family.

Re: Advice needed please

SXMGirl — Fri, 30 Dec 2016 20:49:07 GMT

First, my condolences on the passing of your father. It still must be difficult.

A relationship that lasts more than a year is not trivial, even though many of us have probably been married a long time and a year seems insignificant. Your father's friend may consider you to be family and that might be misconstrued as needy. She may have been telling you about your sister's situation so that you would be aware that your sister might be asking you for money and that she is not the best money manager. Only you know that.

If your father thought so much of her, maybe you should keep that in mind. Most family members talk, quite often too much, and tell people things that they ask to keep secret.

My BIL (who lived 400 miles from us) passed several years ago and he had a SO for quite a few years. My SIL took care of the money for them as well as doing errands for them since neither drove. When my BIL passed, my SIL, being the good church-going person that she is, cut off all ties with the SO. No matter what, my BIL loved her and that should have been respected. Just of note, my SIL visits strangers in hospice care but could not offer the same kindness to this woman.

So, I would be kind to this woman, take what she says with a grain of salt, and keep most things that she says to you to yourself, like you would for anyone.

Re: Advice needed please

software — Fri, 30 Dec 2016 22:34:39 GMT

Sorry for the loss of your dad.

His friend sounds like a manipulative drama queen.

Unless you have some "business" with her, I'd keep my distance.

@Thrive

Re: Advice needed please

libbyannE — Sat, 31 Dec 2016 01:01:46 GMT

You are asking the right questions. In her neediness, she may be fishing for information or awkwardly trying to create intimacy with you. Your family is kind to invite her for holidays, but I would not give her information or encourage her to tell you more. I would be suspicious of anyone asking me to keep such info from the rest of my family and would tell her that your family does not keep secrets from each other, or words to that effect, to discourage her and to let her know politely that the behavior is not allowed.

Re: Advice needed please

Kachina624 — Fri, 30 Dec 2016 22:56:37 GMT

I'd say she's a busy body and potential trouble-maker. I'd start distancing myself from her and certainly wouldn't "check in" on a monthly basis. Sound like she's trying to ingrate herself and become a family member.

Re: Advice needed please

Gayle2 — Fri, 30 Dec 2016 23:04:10 GMT

I was in a family situation where I was approached about "some dirt" about another family member. The person came across as being "concerned" "caring" etc. Anytime, IMO, someone tells you to keep it to yourself etc...they are automatically putting you in an awkward situation. I would stay clear or at the minimum, if you continue a relationship, I would short stop her next time she wants to "share". I am sorry for your loss but you don't need anymore drama either

Re: Advice needed please

ECBG — Fri, 30 Dec 2016 23:46:56 GMT

There's no way to understand her motives without having a prolonged relationship with her.

A number of people will "pass something by you" in order to gain understanding or advice on how to handle the percieved problem.

Some people just talk.

I try to need to "freshen" my plate, drink, whatever.

Re: Advice needed please

Allegheny — Sat, 31 Dec 2016 00:44:27 GMT

@Thrive May I ask how old is this person?

Re: Advice needed please

VaBelle35 — Sat, 31 Dec 2016 02:58:06 GMT

My first call would be to my sister to see if she had a similar conversation with this woman and compare notes.

My take is she's fishing and you are not the only one she has called.

Re: Advice needed please

viva923 — Sat, 31 Dec 2016 03:14:44 GMT

this is my personal opinion

RED FLAGS went up for me. something is not right here. She has to much information for just a short time girlfriend of you late dad.

I have a feeling she is phishing for more information. something about that money left to you by your late mom. I have a feeling she wants something (money is first thing that popped up for me). she may begin to hint about money so she won't tell other people about personal family info your late dad told her.

I think she is also trying to drive a wedge between you and your sister.

I may be all wrong about this, but something just sent chills up my spine about this whole thing.

Re: Advice needed please

Mrsq2022 — Sat, 31 Dec 2016 04:04:25 GMT

Re: Advice needed please

MsLomo — Sat, 31 Dec 2016 03:50:00 GMT

@Thrive, I think your instincts are solid -- that she should not have shared the information that she learned from your Dad, and that she should not have asked you to keep anything secret from your husband and sister or any other family member.

She was close to your Dad, and it feels like she is using that connection with your Dad to emotionally manipulate you ... only she knows why: To try to develop a closeness with you? For control? For curiosity about money? Because she wants to be #1 with you and is jealous that you might be close to your husband and sister?

Because what she said would be hurtful to your sister, I wouldn't share that information with your sister. I would share it with your husband if you feel like it.

I think your instinct is right to keep your distance from her. If she tries to tell you anything else, I would let her know that you do not keep secrets from your husband and family members, so if there's anything she doesn't want everyone else to know, she shouldn't tell you.

I agree with @viva923 and other posters about feeling very uneasy about this person.