topic Re: Do You Defend your Children? in Among Friends

Do You Defend your Children?

CatsyCline — Thu, 24 Nov 2016 21:58:24 GMT

just wondering if you defend your adult children? are your boundaries drawn to protect your family ? do you allow others to cast negative comments about your family?

would you allow negative hearsay about your child? would you pass on the comment to your child knowing it could be hurtful?

Re: Do You Defend your Children?

skuggles — Thu, 24 Nov 2016 22:03:07 GMT

I won't discuss my children other than the facts. I always say if you want to know more ... then that decision belongs to them.

Re: Do You Defend your Children?

cherry — Thu, 24 Nov 2016 22:06:09 GMT

I've never been in that situation. My children are independent and resourceful

Re: Do You Defend your Children?

ID2 — Thu, 24 Nov 2016 22:11:20 GMT

Absolutely I defend my children, no matter how old they are. I'll always have their back.

Re: Do You Defend your Children?

CatsyCline — Thu, 24 Nov 2016 22:32:40 GMT

my mother lives out of state and is 86 and had elective surgery at the end of Oct and is now in a nursing home for rehab. she has a "freind" who is wealthy. i wall call Flo. one home in the Hamptons and trust fund wealthy. my mother worked for their family for many years as a housekeeper. in fact when i was a teen, this family was her top priority because she was paid . now, this "friend" Flo and her brother Ebb are the only friends my mother has. they are both in their 70s. the brother is a convicted felon and a level II sex offender. my mother took him in when he was going through the legal process. she still looks after him. . i was in state for a while during her surgery and hospital stat and the SNF, but had to come home to take care of my own biz for two weeks. i will have to go back and get the home ready for my mom's release.

Flo the "friend" has been sending multiple text messages to me telling me all the things that should be done for my mother before she gets out of the nursing facility including retro-fitting the bathroom. today my mother told me that Flo has said a number of negative things about me. my mother has never defended me to any of her past friends. one comment was particularly hurtful.

i am not surprised but i thought at this time in her life she would get a clue and realize that her older daughter, the one that always took family leave (3x for many weeks at a time) when my Dad was sick and now does all she can to help her mother, is the one who will be there for her when she comes home. just like when her hip broke and she broke a foot. my sister has not ever stepped up. she hated my father, but is my mothers favorite. still all she has done is send a bouquet of flowers.

i'm doing the heavy lifting as always, but my body can't do this much longer. i have spinal stenosis and my dics are fried. i just guess i want that " family is #1 " feeling . not getting that... i want to just say no at this point. how can any mother not stick up for her child?

Re: Do You Defend your Children?

Tinkrbl44 — Thu, 24 Nov 2016 22:53:58 GMT

@CatsyCline

Sorry, but I'm confused ..... have you and your mother discussed this .... does she know how you feel?

Re: Do You Defend your Children?

dex — Thu, 24 Nov 2016 23:07:00 GMT

Of course I would defend my child.I will always put him first but he also knows that if he has done something wrong that it is his responsibility to make it right.I brought him up to believe that he alone is accountable for his mistakes and there is nothing wrong with mistakes as long as you learn from them.My son is a kind thoughtful and respectful human being who has many friends.He has no problems for me to defend though but he does know that I am there for him and I know he is there for me.

i forgot to add that I would not tell him hurtful things from others...if they dared to say them to me.What would be the point.I don't want to hurt my son ever.

Re: Do You Defend your Children?

CatsyCline — Thu, 24 Nov 2016 23:15:58 GMT

@Tinkrbl44 yes, i have discussed with her. she doesnt seem to understand why this would concern me. but she just allows others to say whatever they want.

she has no boundaries with others but inside the home she always called the shots , big time. she did make my father miserable until his health started going downhill. i left home at 19 because she was very difficult - but only to my father and I.

she should not have told me about the comment. i tried not to let it ruin my day . all i can think is this too shall pass. she likes to say the reason she is like this is because she is a Scorpio. she is really into astrology

Re: Do You Defend your Children?

cherry — Thu, 24 Nov 2016 23:26:47 GMT

Don't kid yourself, astrology my eye. It sounds like your mom is into, who has money. I'm sorry you have to go through this

Re: Do You Defend your Children?

happycat — Fri, 25 Nov 2016 00:29:48 GMT

I would hope that I would defend my kids. I do think some mothers are just not good mothers. Its like some of them just didn't get the mom gene or something.

I'm sorry your mom is acting like this.

Re: Do You Defend your Children?

bonnielu — Fri, 25 Nov 2016 00:33:49 GMT

Honestly I don't need to . They lead productive lives in occupations that reach out to help people. I am proud and to this point they are not under attack from anyone.

Re: Do You Defend your Children?

Snowpuppy — Fri, 25 Nov 2016 01:11:22 GMT

I've never had a situation come up as an adult, either.

Re: Do You Defend your Children?

Sooner — Fri, 25 Nov 2016 01:43:55 GMT

@ashleigh dupray wrote:
my mother lives out of state and is 86 and had elective surgery at the end of Oct and is now in a nursing home for rehab. she has a "freind" who is wealthy. i wall call Flo. one home in the Hamptons and trust fund wealthy. my mother worked for their family for many years as a housekeeper. in fact when i was a teen, this family was her top priority because she was paid . now, this "friend" Flo and her brother Ebb are the only friends my mother has. they are both in their 70s. the brother is a convicted felon and a level II sex offender. my mother took him in when he was going through the legal process. she still looks after him. . i was in state for a while during her surgery and hospital stat and the SNF, but had to come home to take care of my own biz for two weeks. i will have to go back and get the home ready for my mom's release.

Flo the "friend" has been sending multiple text messages to me telling me all the things that should be done for my mother before she gets out of the nursing facility including retro-fitting the bathroom. today my mother told me that Flo has said a number of negative things about me. my mother has never defended me to any of her past friends. one comment was particularly hurtful.

i am not surprised but i thought at this time in her life she would get a clue and realize that her older daughter, the one that always took family leave (3x for many weeks at a time) when my Dad was sick and now does all she can to help her mother, is the one who will be there for her when she comes home. just like when her hip broke and she broke a foot. my sister has not ever stepped up. she hated my father, but is my mothers favorite. still all she has done is send a bouquet of flowers.

i'm doing the heavy lifting as always, but my body can't do this much longer. i have spinal stenosis and my dics are fried. i just guess i want that " family is #1 " feeling . not getting that... i want to just say no at this point. how can any mother not stick up for her child?

Sorry but "would", "should", and "could" don't always work out for ous. If you are responsible for an elderly parent people will talk about you do no matter what, and your parent may or may not stick up for you. Some of them just won't. Forget about it or worry about it--it won't change anything.

I am not trying to be mean, but I've been through this more than once and there isn't a thing one you can do about it--at least not in my experience. Do the best you can for your parent and quit worrying about it.

My sincerest sympathy and best wishes for you because I have and am there with you as are many of us. You have to live what you do, not with what people think.

Re: Do You Defend your Children?

Catiele — Fri, 25 Nov 2016 02:30:12 GMT

If they are right yes if they are wrong no.

Re: Do You Defend your Children?

CareBears — Fri, 25 Nov 2016 02:40:06 GMT

My daughter is 30 years old and I would defend her to my death, however, because I chose to protect her as a child from family members who were calling her names (names no one should ever hear let alone a 9 year old child) I lost members of my family who chose to believe that I was wrong for not letting other people verbally abuse my child, not one deserves to be bullied physically or verbally for any reason, and even though I lost members of my own family I would not hesitate to do it exactly the same way I did!

Re: Do You Defend your Children?

YorkieonmyPillow — Fri, 25 Nov 2016 03:24:15 GMT

@CatsyCline Since "Flo" is so concerned about your Mother's needs post-rehab, perhaps she should pay for all these renovations to her home or whatever else she needs.

I would be very, very surprised if my mother EVER defended me, to anyone.

That's just the way it is. Needless to say, I have no contact with her. Her favorite daughter is with her.

Sorry you are going through this, TBH, I probably would've withdrawn from this situation before now. Good luck...

(Yes I will defend my adult children and no I wouldn't repeat something hurtful - in fact, I wouldn't tolerate someone disrespecting my child.)

Re: Do You Defend your Children?

gulf coast girl — Fri, 25 Nov 2016 03:54:36 GMT

More than likely I would defend one of my children no matter their age, however I'll also be the first to call the police on them if I ever saw them do something illegal, stupid, wrong, hurtful in some way to another person or animal. I only tolerate so much, I won't turn a blind eye.

Re: Do You Defend your Children?

MarieIG — Fri, 25 Nov 2016 04:05:42 GMT

@turtlelgk wrote:
If they are right yes if they are wrong no.

This. I certainly would not tolerate someone making unjustified attacks on one of my children. I have even had a certain (former) girlfriend make negative remarks about my son he was an infant, i.e., "I really don't understand why you had him so young, you should have had an ab...." - after he was born! Severed the relationship immediately.

Re: Do You Defend your Children?

151949 — Fri, 25 Nov 2016 04:15:58 GMT

My stepkids - up to this point have not done anything I feel I need to defend. Thank Goodness.

Re: Do You Defend your Children?

homedecor1 — Fri, 25 Nov 2016 04:28:11 GMT

of course if the situation warrants it & they are right. They will always be my kids BUT won't defend them if they were wrong.

I'll let them know about it BUT I don't allow others to speak negatitively I don't like it & walk away from "gossip" - I like facts!