topic Re: Really a Friend? in Among Friends

Really a Friend?

Mistreatedbycs — Sun, 30 Oct 2016 01:29:12 GMT

So we've known each for years, she has a grown family and recently divorced after a number of years. We see each other about twice a year sharing lunches and dinners for our birthdays. Since her divorce we've seen each other for coffee and she helped me move and other little things. I've always been grateful and repaid her with either a small gift or even an occasional get together quick dinner and said "I'll pay".

I've asked her to help me this week and she said only if I don't talk about current events, I said "sure". Now I'm thinking, what has changed, why can't I be just me, why would I have to limit my conversation to what she wants....I don't think I want her as a friend anymore...don't friends accept you the way you are?

Re: Really a Friend?

SXMGirl — Sun, 30 Oct 2016 01:35:43 GMT

Ask her what subjects she does not want to talk about. To me, current events = politics. If that is what she doesn't want to talk about, then be a friend and respect her wishes. I never discuss politics with anyone except my husband.

As we get older, it is more difficult to find friends. To have a long-time friend is a blessing. Before you make a regrettable decision, find out the facts.

Re: Really a Friend?

reiki604 — Sun, 30 Oct 2016 01:36:59 GMT

During the coming week, any discussion of current events can become very contentious if you don't see eye to eye. Her request may be because she may suspect her views are different than yours or is simply tired of everything. Long time friends should be able to discuss many other things.

Re: Really a Friend?

Annabellethecat66 — Sun, 30 Oct 2016 01:41:30 GMT

You either go by what she wants or just be TOO busy and put it on hold until after the election (that's probably it).

It doesn't mean anyone is right or wrong, maybe she just thinks you'll disagree and is trying to prevent an argument.

I'm lucky all of my friends think like I do. So do my Drs and dentists. Ha!

Now my family, totally different there......I try to avoid them but what am I going to do? They're my kids! Ha!

Re: Really a Friend?

QVCkitty1 — Sun, 30 Oct 2016 01:41:34 GMT

These days I only discuss politics with like minded friends. At this stage no minds are going to be changed, and your friend may be like me, very nervous about the outcome.

Re: Really a Friend?

happycat — Sun, 30 Oct 2016 01:46:23 GMT

I was thinking current events also. She may just be sick to death of hearing about this election....She wouldn't be the only one.

I would think twice before cutting all ties with her though. I have an old friend who can drive me nuts, but we are always there for each other when the going get rough. Been friends for nearly 40 years. Thats a bunch of secrets!

Re: Really a Friend?

Annabellethecat66 — Sun, 30 Oct 2016 01:46:33 GMT

I've decided I'm either going to be very happy or spend all of my time telling my adult children, "I told you so" every time they complain about something.

Re: Really a Friend?

GCR18 — Sun, 30 Oct 2016 01:50:42 GMT

I wouldn't over think it. If she says it again, ask her what's up.

Re: Really a Friend?

Desertdi — Sun, 30 Oct 2016 01:50:52 GMT

Divorce is no picnic. Your friend may be having difficulties she just doesn't want to share.

Re: Really a Friend?

Moonchilde — Sun, 30 Oct 2016 02:13:48 GMT

@reiki604 wrote:
During the coming week, any discussion of current events can become very contentious if you don't see eye to eye. Her request may be because she may suspect her views are different than yours or is simply tired of everything. Long time friends should be able to discuss many other things.

That would be my assumption - she just does not want to talk politics right now. I think few could blame her. Whether she knows your politics, you know hers, or neither of you really know each others, it's so very divisive at this time in our history.

She may have friends who do it a lot lately and she's sick of it, period. She may or may not have an inkling yours is different than hers and just not want to deal.

It's just bad manners to discuss politics, period. Unless your political views and your right to express them are way more important to you than the friendship, I'd respect her perfectly sensible wishes.

We all have views. We don't all feel we need to express them; having them is enough.

ETA that it doesn't appear from your OP that you value her friendship very much at all. If you did, I can't think her simple comment would have you thinking as you say you do.

Re: Really a Friend?

Katcat1 — Sun, 30 Oct 2016 02:03:14 GMT

I would just come out and ask her what she meant by current events? You either accept it or you don't. Right away you thought it was a personal attack on you and you did not want to be friends any more. You are either close with this person or you're not.

Re: Really a Friend?

Daysdee — Sun, 30 Oct 2016 02:34:20 GMT

She probably doesn't want to discuss politics at this time. Tonight I had a friend call me about another matter and then started on a rampage about the current political situation. My policy is not to discuss this subject with anyone; my DH and I were always on the "same page" on this type of thing. I couldn't have gotten a word in with this woman if I wanted to. She is another one that says if "XX" candidate wins, she wishes she could leave this country. Also, your friend may not want to discuss her former husband, their divorce, etc.

Re: Really a Friend?

Daysdee — Sun, 30 Oct 2016 02:37:35 GMT

@Annabellethecat66 wrote:
I've decided I'm either going to be very happy or spend all of my time telling my adult children, "I told you so" every time they complain about something.

Sounds like what I may be doing too. I know my kids are not voting the same way I plan to vote. (We don't discuss politics though.)

Re: Really a Friend?

Kitlynn — Sun, 30 Oct 2016 02:42:39 GMT

I have a feeling by current events she may be talking about her divorce. She may feel that it has been talked about and hashed over enough and now she just wants to talk about normal fun things and move forward with her life. I would say this time why not let her lead the conversation and what you talk about and then you will know. Once in a while it is a good thing to step back and let a friend take the lead. It doesn't mean you can't be yourself it just means that she may need for you to just be her friend and talk about things that have nothing to do with her divorce or even anything really personal at this time. If you honestly at the end of your time together feel like you don't want to be her friend anymore then go with it but I would be open minded and not make any decision or judgment until after you get together this time.

Re: Really a Friend?

Julie_23 — Sun, 30 Oct 2016 02:50:09 GMT

I think, if anything, this reflects her discomfort with the topic and does not reflect on you or your friendship. Certain topics create way more anxiety in some people than others. (Does not have to be politally related at all - could be any topic.)

If there were something that made you uncomfortable or created anxiety for you, you would hope she would respect that. She's hoping you'll do the same.

Wishing you both the best!

Re: Really a Friend?

ROMARY — Sun, 30 Oct 2016 03:12:33 GMT

Could be she is just worn out re: current events, etc. Tons of glossy flyers on our porches, large (huge) glossy post cards in our mailboxes, phone calls with recorded messages, people ringing our doorbell(s), giving us their qualifications, TV messages. It's sometimes a bit too much, and folks just want a bit of peace when with friends. I'd just let your friend do most of the talking next time you see her. Let her bring up the topics, and then join in. Enjoy your friendship.

Re: Really a Friend?

itiswhatitis — Sun, 30 Oct 2016 03:51:54 GMT

@Mistreatedbycs wrote:
So we've known each for years, she has a grown family and recently divorced after a number of years. We see each other about twice a year sharing lunches and dinners for our birthdays. Since her divorce we've seen each other for coffee and she helped me move and other little things. I've always been grateful and repaid her with either a small gift or even an occasional get together quick dinner and said "I'll pay".

I've asked her to help me this week and she said only if I don't talk about current events, I said "sure". Now I'm thinking, what has changed, why can't I be just me, why would I have to limit my conversation to what she wants....I don't think I want her as a friend anymore...don't friends accept you the way you are?

You would seriously de-friend this person over this? I'd say you're not a very good friend to begin with. Not everyone wants to talk current event stuffs. Why not talk about her and YOU?

Guess why I don't consider a lot of people friends if I am that disposable.

Re: Really a Friend?

Mistreatedbycs — Sun, 30 Oct 2016 03:56:05 GMT

I just thought a friend is a friend no matter what....I guess not.

I'll just give her some room, maybe it is the divorce or could be her adult children who are dependent on her for money, I'll give it some time and respect her wishes.

I suppose the change in weather, getting darker everyday and who knows what's going on with her job and crazy boss, I'm sure that all factors in, probably not me at all.

Thanks for tossing out idea's, sometimes it's nice to hear another point of view.

Re: Really a Friend?

NYC Susan — Sun, 30 Oct 2016 04:00:42 GMT

It sounds to me as though she's election-weary. Lots of people are. Perhaps she's gone head-to-head with friends who have different views than she does, and she doesn't want to go down that road anymore.

She's likely, IMO, trying to preserve her sanity as well as your friendship. Give her a break, cut her some slack.

I wouldn't consider ending a friendship with her over this. That seems overly-hasty to me, especially because you have been friends for years.

Re: Really a Friend?

Sooner — Sun, 30 Oct 2016 04:06:53 GMT

@Mistreatedbycs wrote:
So we've known each for years, she has a grown family and recently divorced after a number of years. We see each other about twice a year sharing lunches and dinners for our birthdays. Since her divorce we've seen each other for coffee and she helped me move and other little things. I've always been grateful and repaid her with either a small gift or even an occasional get together quick dinner and said "I'll pay".

I've asked her to help me this week and she said only if I don't talk about current events, I said "sure". Now I'm thinking, what has changed, why can't I be just me, why would I have to limit my conversation to what she wants....I don't think I want her as a friend anymore...don't friends accept you the way you are?

If that's all it takes to cut her out of your life, I'd say she never was a friend. If most of my friends and I didn't have off the table subjects we wouldn't be friends.

I can't imagine only associating with people who are like minded. I think that would be pretty dull world.

And one thing I have worked on all my life is not being "me" but a better version of who I was last month. I'm old and I'm not there yet, but I had a long long way to go! LOL!!!