topic Re: Not Wanted in Mom to Mom

Not Wanted

felinemom — Sun, 05 Jan 2014 19:25:11 GMT

Ladies, My problem has been ongoing for over 10 years now. I have written to you when the pain is so bad I need to vent, My family except for my brother does not want to listen anymore. Ever since my DS and DIL moved out of state DIL is not crazy about my visiting. When GKS were toddlers I was invited 3 or 4 times a year. Now that they are in school and DIL is working I just go twice a year which is fine, Christmas and summertime. This past visit I was informed that I couldn't come at Christmas as I ruined things. Ladies, I do not lie, I know that getting help is impossible if I lie. I see a physiciatrist (sp) and he said DIL has emotional issues. I don't give her advice (I'm no Martha Stewart) on anything. She used to let me help but "since I put things away in the wrong places" I can't anymore. My GKS are 12 and 14, old enough to be affected so I don' argue with her at all. I spilled popcorn in her new car so was frantically pushing it out the door as she does intimidate me. Well, about 35 birds landed on top of her car and she freaked out. I have fed birds before and lied about it, in parks etc. Well, this time it was an accident so she didn't believe me. She wouldn't accept piece of jewelry I gave her for Xmas as it wasn't her style. She has asked me if I was borderline altziemers among other hurtful things. My son completely sides with her, he doesn't know a third of the hurtful things she has said to me. My GK's love me, her sister likes me so.....I don't know. Should I just step back and see what happens ? She won't let GKS fly up to visit me (I would pay for tickets), I suggested staying in a hotel, she got insulted. I am soooo hurt I daydream about going away for good. Please no snarky answers, help me or say nothing. Felinemom

Re: Not Wanted

StuffnSuch — Sun, 05 Jan 2014 19:35:39 GMT

How is post #1 helpful? If people can't offer a constructive comment, refrain from responding.

Re: Not Wanted

felinemom — Sun, 05 Jan 2014 19:40:32 GMT

Thank you Stuffy Bug. I know what's right or wrong, what should be what isn't. I don't stand up for myself, low self esteem I guess. I hate confrontation. I guess son is intimidated by her strong personality and control issues. Will GKS think I deserted them if I don't visit ? Felinemom

Re: Not Wanted

lolakimono — Sun, 05 Jan 2014 19:42:13 GMT

Get the grandkids on Skype and try to talk once a week.

Re: Not Wanted

ladyjersey — Sun, 05 Jan 2014 19:56:47 GMT

I agree with post #1. Your son really needs to put on his big boy pants and speak to his wife. If his wife does not like you that shouldn't keep you away from the grandkids. You need to remind him that YOU ARE HIS MOTHER and will ALWAYS be his mother. His wife MAY not be his wife years down the road. I'm not saying its a guarantee they will not be together, but there isn't a guarantee that they will. You also need to SPEAK UP. If it REALLY bothers you the fact that you can't see your grandkids then you need to be more vocal about it. Taking the back seat and stating that you don't like confrontation will not get you anywhere.

Sometimes people need to hear/read the snarky remarks to react-the truth hurts. People tend to be overly sensitive now a days but these blunt answers will hopefully spark something in you so that you are not this weak and easily intimidated person because you shouldn't be. These are your grandkids and you want to see them grow up and be a part of their lives. If not, you will regret it and they may feel you did nothing to see them.

Re: Not Wanted

pugvette74 — Sun, 05 Jan 2014 20:03:59 GMT

You are not alone with this situation. Many of us are going through this too. If you can, just keep in contact with your grandkids. This isn't what the grandkids want. The grandkids love you and need you. Anyway you can stay in touch with them.

Praying for you.. We can learn through pain or joy. I pray it will be with joy!

Re: Not Wanted

Tzu4u — Sun, 05 Jan 2014 20:13:08 GMT

I would back off. There is nothing you can do to improve this situation.

Skype the grand kids. If they have cell phones, you can stay in touch with them. Good luck.

Your son is in a situation to choose between his wife and his mother. Wife ALWAYS wins this one.-

Re: Not Wanted

MsLomo — Sun, 05 Jan 2014 20:17:58 GMT

On 1/5/2014 lolakimono said:
Get the grandkids on Skype and try to talk once a week.

I like this advice.

Felinemom: Hurtful situation for you. I think the best thing you can do is, as you said, step back and see what happens. I would continue to be cordial if they call you. Mail Christmas gifts and remember everyone's birthday by sending a card. Meanwhile, can you email back and forth with the grandkids? Or Skype, as Lolakimono suggests? I'd keep it light. (Do not -- ever -- say anything about the DIL and DS situation, such as you wish you could see them but their parents won't let you, etc. You don't want to put them in the middle.)

Frustrating as it is, there's nothing you can do about DIL. (If she returns your gifts, so be it.) Your son and DIL will let you know when the time is right for a visit.

P.S. The popcorn and the birds -- very funny! I do hope they had a good (and messy!) time on her brand-new roof!

Re: Not Wanted

MsLomo — Sun, 05 Jan 2014 20:19:14 GMT

On 1/5/2014 Wadzlla said:
I would back off. There is nothing you can do to improve this situation.

Skype the grand kids. If they have cell phones, you can stay in touch with them. Good luck.

Your son is in a situation to choose between his wife and his mother. Wife ALWAYS wins this one.-

I agree totally with this.

Re: Not Wanted

upNorth — Sun, 05 Jan 2014 20:24:59 GMT

I am so sorry for you, it is a very painful situation. My sister deals with the same type of situation with her son, and it is hard.

Yes, your son should be on your side, but you can't force it. If you ask him to take sides, he is going to side with his wife; he lives with her, she is his daily life. You will lose.

Unfortunately, there is nothing you can do to change their behavior. Please work with your counselor to help you accept and deal with this. You are doing nothing wrong. You can hope that when the kids get older, and she is not controlling them, they will seek out a relationship with you. Keep the door open, and take care of yourself.

Re: Not Wanted

toodles11 — Sun, 05 Jan 2014 20:38:32 GMT

I would try calling him when his wife isn't around and tell him that you would like a better relationship with his wife and can he help you with suggestions.

Re: Not Wanted

pinkskates4 — Sun, 05 Jan 2014 20:44:47 GMT

On 1/5/2014 toodles11 said:
I would try calling him when his wife isn't around and tell him that you would like a better relationship with his wife and can he help you with suggestions.

Um maybe a good start would be not to take food into her new car and risk spilling it.

Sure she probably overreacted - altho having a flock of birds leaving deposits all over her car probably freaked her out, but I doubt that after knowing her for 10 years, it was a great surprise that she wouldn't appreciate the spilled popcorn in the first place.

I'd bet there are other passive aggressive things going on as well. Why put things in the wrong place for example cleaning up? Why not simply ask where they go?

Re: Not Wanted

ccassaday — Sun, 05 Jan 2014 20:44:54 GMT

On 1/5/2014 upNorth said:
I am so sorry for you, it is a very painful situation. My sister deals with the same type of situation with her son, and it is hard.

Yes, your son should be on your side, but you can't force it. If you ask him to take sides, he is going to side with his wife; he lives with her, she is his daily life. You will lose.

Unfortunately, there is nothing you can do to change their behavior. Please work with your counselor to help you accept and deal with this. You are doing nothing wrong. You can hope that when the kids get older, and she is not controlling them, they will seek out a relationship with you. Keep the door open, and take care of yourself.

We dont know if she is doing anything wrong. I would personally write a letter and put it in the mail and back off. A email would work if the DIL might keep him from getting the letter. I think everyone is to blame. The son for being a wimp, the dil for being who she is and I am sure your not the most sun shine to be around otherwise they would not be treating you like this.

Re: Not Wanted

grandma r — Sun, 05 Jan 2014 21:17:43 GMT

I am sorry that you can't see your grandchildren very often. Perhaps DIL feels threatened in some way that her kids will "like you better". You never know what goes thru the minds of some. If the kids have email or Skype, communicate that way. Let them know that you love them and they can contact you at any time. Find a way to speak with your son, does he have a cell #? Let him know that you were told to stay away and that you will abide however, you want to communicate with your grandchildren. The ball is then in his court. Good luck. And, please, don't do anything rash.

Re: Not Wanted

Georgiagrama — Sun, 05 Jan 2014 21:36:19 GMT

I find this so sad that it makes my heart hurt for you. Your son and DIL seem to have very little compassion.

First, if the grandchildren are being taken care of properly and loved, feel blessed and relieved with that knowledge.

Second, until your son and daughter in law realize that the day will come, (much sooner than they think) that they to will be considered a nuisance, don't expect too much from them.

I have regretted many, many times when I could have had more patience with my precious parents and did not realize how quickly I would be in the same situation.

I'm so sorry this is happening to you, but, do the best you can and just continue to try and maintain a relationship with your grandchildren.

Re: Not Wanted

emmysmom — Sun, 05 Jan 2014 21:39:33 GMT

On 1/5/2014 MsLomo said:
On 1/5/2014 lolakimono said:
Get the grandkids on Skype and try to talk once a week.

I like this advice.

Felinemom: Hurtful situation for you. I think the best thing you can do is, as you said, step back and see what happens. I would continue to be cordial if they call you. Mail Christmas gifts and remember everyone's birthday by sending a card. Meanwhile, can you email back and forth with the grandkids? Or Skype, as Lolakimono suggests? I'd keep it light. (Do not -- ever -- say anything about the DIL and DS situation, such as you wish you could see them but their parents won't let you, etc. You don't want to put them in the middle.)

Frustrating as it is, there's nothing you can do about DIL. (If she returns your gifts, so be it.) Your son and DIL will let you know when the time is right for a visit.

P.S. The popcorn and the birds -- very funny! I do hope they had a good (and messy!) time on her brand-new roof!

I agree, especially about the birds and her roof, I am sure they had a messy time, lol!

Re: Not Wanted

lolakimono — Sun, 05 Jan 2014 21:40:49 GMT

Staying In Touch With Your Grandchild

Once upon a time, most family members lived in the same community, or at least in close proximity to one another. Today, families need to come up with new and imaginative ways to stay emotionally close, even when geographically far apart. It is important to start developing a relationship with far-flung grandchildren as soon as possible. Begin talking to your grandchild on the phone when s/he is only six months old, saying what you'd say if you were actually holding the infant. You might sing a lullaby, tell your grandchild who this is, or just say "I love you, dear."

Visits are a lifeline for long-distance grandparents. Like some grandparents, you may prefer having one child visit at a time. If you have several grandchildren visiting at once, you may feel divided and end up spending precious time refereeing among competing siblings. Remember to plan your grandchild's visits carefully, even though you should be flexible about modifying plans to suit everyone's moods. Discussing plans in advance is one way to create excitement about future visits.

Although these tips are designed for long-distance grandparents, they are excellent ways to strengthen your relationship with your grandchild, no matter where s/he lives:

Make a tape or video. Until children are nine or ten years old, they are not especially good at talking on the telephone. Send a tape or video of yourself delivering a message to your grandchild.

Write letters. Who says letter-writing is a dying art? It's still a vital connection for grandchildren and grandparents! Children rarely get mail and enjoy the thrill of seeing their own names on an envelope. Asking questions and enclosing a self addressed, stamped envelope are ways to encourage a written response.

Record yourself telling bedtime stories. You may want to ask your grandchild or his/her parent for some favorite stories, or you could just tape children's stories that you enjoy. This is one way of being present in your grandchild's life on a daily (or nightly) basis.

Give your grandchild a map. Be sure to mark both of your homes on the map. You might send your grandchild books and articles about your community to prepare him/her for future visits.

Send small gifts along with a message. Pipe cleaners, balloons, and flower seeds are educational and inexpensive gifts for children ages three to six. Most older children enjoy magic tricks, recipes, and colored pencils.

Write postcards. Send each child his/her own postcard with a simple, personal message. (pictures of animals, planes, and cartoons are generally big successes with children.)

To make your visits as memorable as possible, speak with your grandchild on the phone before you see each other face to face. Be sure to emphasize how happy you will be to see your grandchild once again.

Building and maintaining a relationship with your grandchild takes planning and foresight, but the rewards are so great that they are impossible to measure. Your closeness bridges the generation gap and enriches your grandchild's life, as well as your own.

Re: Not Wanted

RetRN — Sun, 05 Jan 2014 22:21:57 GMT

I would back off, seems that for whatever reason, she has made up her mind that she doesn't like you or care to have you around. That is her loss and your son is always going to side with his wife. I'm sure this must be very painful for you, so try to keep connected with the GK's however you can (Skype, E-mails, cards, letters, sending them birthday and Christmas gifts). Remember that you are a good person and have tried but to no avail. Sadly, situations like this occur in life. Don't blame yourself because you have done nothing wrong.

Re: Not Wanted

Danielle46 — Sun, 05 Jan 2014 22:33:30 GMT

On 1/5/2014 Wadzlla said:
I would back off. There is nothing you can do to improve this situation.

Skype the grand kids. If they have cell phones, you can stay in touch with them. Good luck.

Your son is in a situation to choose between his wife and his mother. Wife ALWAYS wins this one.-

Re: Not Wanted

SahmIam — Tue, 07 Jan 2014 21:21:23 GMT

We are only hearing one side of the story... as a daughter who has cut her mother out of her life and that of the grandchildren, I think there is more to the story ESPECIALLY if your son is backing up his wife.

Also, your grandchildren are at the age where they see things... believe me when I say they are FAR more aware than anyone gives them credit for regarding adults, adult behavior and when things are "off" in relationships. Maybe they don't wish to communicate with you; maybe they don't want you around more... who knows but kids are smart... they talk with other kids about many things and compare notes.

I'm not trying to be mean here. I'm just saying that things are rarely, if ever, one sided. Good luck and I may you find peace.