topic Re: WHAT IF A MOTHERS HEART IS RIGHT?? in Mom to Mom

WHAT IF A MOTHERS HEART IS RIGHT??

dayari — Mon, 21 Jul 2014 01:53:59 GMT

As a mom or even as a spiritual person did you ever think something is definitely NOT RIGHT? well my older daughter was seeing someone and that's how I felt. He was very friendly and very nice at the beginning of their relationship but then seemed quite different to me. He would correct me when I said something or always be right. He is polite, comes from a good home and I credit the change in part to his mom dying just recently at a very young age. My daughter and our family believe strongly in education, she has a few Master's Degrees and he thinks nothing of education, actually makes fun of it. Well I kept praying they would break up and once they did but the other day he asked for our blessings to marry her. This was my worst nightmare. Again not that he is a bad person but rather I feel with all my heart and soul that he is not the one for her. I know in years down the road it will be over. I have no joy in arranging the wedding. I would give the moon and stars if I did. My heart is broken but I have to think of my daughter and not spoil this for her. I am praying and praying hard. I never ask GOD for things but this is one of them. I trust in HIM to do what is best but I guess sometimes we have to learn from life lessons. They won't be getting married for a little while so time for a miracle to happen. Keep your fingers crossed everyone.

Re: WHAT IF A MOTHERS HEART IS RIGHT??

lovesrecess — Mon, 21 Jul 2014 02:16:27 GMT

I urge you to speak to your pastor about your concerns. If they have a pre-marriage counseling class it could be eye-opening if your daughter and this guy attend it. Our church requires it prior to marriage in our church and it has saved some couples from future heartache.

Do your daughter and her fiancé share the same faith or would they be ""unequally yoked""? The red flag for me is that he makes fun of something important to your daughter; that says a lot about him. How recent was his mother's passing? perhaps he has not fully come to terms with her death. Continue to pray but pray for your daughter's eyes to be opened to whatever God's plan is for her. And also to give you strength and grace to carry you through whatever the future holds.

Re: WHAT IF A MOTHERS HEART IS RIGHT??

Sister Golden Hair — Mon, 21 Jul 2014 02:36:35 GMT

Have you talked to your daughter? Not in a negative way but what she feels the future will be like with this man. Does she seem happy? Are there any red flags you see when your daughter is with this man? How old is your daughter?

It is hard but sometimes we have to let go and let our children learn on their own.

Re: WHAT IF A MOTHERS HEART IS RIGHT??

BigOrangeKitty — Mon, 21 Jul 2014 02:37:09 GMT

I would hope she would atleast ask her parents their opinion of him. And I hope she would listen. It's that gut feeling you have and you may be right. My dad once told me ""I know you better than you know yourself"" .... and he was right. I'll pray right along with you.

Re: WHAT IF A MOTHERS HEART IS RIGHT??

chrystaltree — Mon, 21 Jul 2014 02:46:06 GMT

Well, keep your thoughts to yourself and smile, smile, smile. A woman who has a few masters degrees is well over 21 and obviously has a brain. Sure, she's in love but if he's as "wrong" for her as you seem to think, she'll see it. Don't forget, not every engagement leads to marriage. You also need to calm down and let yourself get to know the man. You don't like him, you don't want him for your daughter and you've probably made that obvious without actually saying anything to him. That might be why his attitude changed. You have to trust that your daughter will make the right decision. You have to have faith in her. To be honest, you sound very negative and mean spirited. Very bitter. You need to get those feelings under control. You need some perspective. You could very well damage your relationship with your daughter if you don't control your feelings.

Re: WHAT IF A MOTHERS HEART IS RIGHT??

dayari — Mon, 21 Jul 2014 03:06:45 GMT

Wow I thought perhaps the kind people on the QVC board could give me some advice. Most have been so caring but after the comment by Chrystaltree that I am mean spirited I have thought otherwise. The last thing I am is mean spirited as a matter of fact I have dedicated my life to taking care of others. However I have learned that QVC is best for shopping and not for trying to solve my problems. Thank you all anyway

Re: WHAT IF A MOTHERS HEART IS RIGHT??

ennui1 — Mon, 21 Jul 2014 03:10:22 GMT

On 7/20/2014 dayari said:
My daughter and our family believe strongly in education, she has a few Master's Degrees and he thinks nothing of education, actually makes fun of it. Well I kept praying they would break up

How old are these people?

Once you raise your child, you are obligated to ... let go.

Re: WHAT IF A MOTHERS HEART IS RIGHT??

Nuttmeg — Mon, 21 Jul 2014 03:35:41 GMT

They say LOVE is BLIND, and it is. I would continue praying for the health and inner well being of your daughter. I would keep my mouth shout about this guy. She may come to your with things in time.

Re: WHAT IF A MOTHERS HEART IS RIGHT??

BigOrangeKitty — Mon, 21 Jul 2014 03:38:27 GMT

Oh don't let her scare you off .... haven't you read her comments in the past? She makes a living doing that. Ignore her. You sound like a very kind, caring Mom. I think you should express your concerns but also add that you'll support her decision. Atleast it'll give her something to think about. It's true that outsiders see things we don't see when we're too close to a situation.

Re: WHAT IF A MOTHERS HEART IS RIGHT??

KarenQVC — Mon, 21 Jul 2014 03:39:10 GMT

dayari--I have experienced a similar problem. This was my sense about the values and lack of courtesy in my son's wife. It has all been very hard. For my part, all I keep telling myself is that somehow they must complement each other. Time will tell. BTW, I sensed no bitterness in your question, only concern.

Re: WHAT IF A MOTHERS HEART IS RIGHT??

Colonel Meow — Mon, 21 Jul 2014 03:41:19 GMT

I hope you will see that I'm saying this with more kindness than some of the other posters here - but, in this situation you really must let go and allow your daughter to make her own decision (or mistake).

From what you've posted, it sounds as though she is well past the age when she needs her mother weighing in on her life decisions. Again, I say this with kindness and in hopes that everything turns out well (whatever happens).

Re: WHAT IF A MOTHERS HEART IS RIGHT??

OnlyShopsOnline — Mon, 21 Jul 2014 03:56:54 GMT

We didn't care for our SIL from the moment our daughter started dating him. We hoped it wouldn't last because they met during her senior year in high school, and we hoped she would move on. She didn't. They broke up once for one day, and then got back together again. They were together nine years and then got married.

Unfortunately, we don't get to choose who our children marry. But, a very wise person told me that I had to remember that I wasn't seeing the same side of him that she did. And, I think that person was very much right.

Their marriage is happy. And, we have a wonderful grandchild. He's a very good husband and father. He's not a mean or horrible person. He's just not somebody who has tried to fit in and become part of our family, even though my husband and I worked at making him feel like a son, for quite some time. He has a lot of "issues" and is a very difficult person to feel comfortable around.

Now, I pretty much don't give him any thought at all. We only see him on holidays, and we are very cordial when we're all together. I just don't go out of my way anymore, and I'm ok with that. We do see our daughter and grandson frequently, so that does make this arrangement work well. We only have one child, and I guess this just isn't the way I pictured this stage of our lives to be. But, then again, life rarely turns out how we imagine.

Re: WHAT IF A MOTHERS HEART IS RIGHT??

Colonel Meow — Mon, 21 Jul 2014 03:58:35 GMT

On 7/20/2014 only shops online said:
We didn't care for our SIL from the moment our daughter started dating him. We hoped it wouldn't last because they met during her senior year in high school, and we hoped she would move on. She didn't. They broke up once for one day, and then got back together again. They were together nine years and then got married.

Unfortunately, we don't get to choose who our children marry. But, a very wise person told me that I had to remember that I wasn't seeing the same side of him that she did. And, I think that person was very much right.

Their marriage is happy. And, we have a wonderful grandchild. He's a very good husband and father. He's not a mean or horrible person. He's just not somebody who has tried to fit in and become part of our family, even though my husband and I worked at making him feel like a son, for quite some time. He has a lot of "issues" and is a very difficult person to feel comfortable around.

Now, I pretty much don't give him any thought at all. We only see him on holidays, and we are very cordial when we're all together. I just don't go out of my way anymore, and I'm ok with that. We do see our daughter and grandson frequently, so that does make this arrangement work well. We only have one child, and I guess this just isn't the way I pictured this stage of our lives to be. But, then again, life rarely turns out how we imagine.

What a thoughtful and realistic post!

Re: WHAT IF A MOTHERS HEART IS RIGHT??

sidsmom — Mon, 21 Jul 2014 04:04:38 GMT

I can't imagine, in my wildest dreams, to pray to God for a negative action. Your daughter is in love. Embrace her happiness. Some might deem this angst as a selfish act.

Re: WHAT IF A MOTHERS HEART IS RIGHT??

sneef — Mon, 21 Jul 2014 04:12:06 GMT

First of all don't let the few negative people on these forums make you think that everyone is unkind, you definitely have to have a thick skin because people can truly hurt others feeling with no regard. I read your thread over and over. Here are a few thoughts, if this man is always correcting you and he thinks he is always right could it be he is at the stage of anger over his mothers death and he is taking it out on you. He sounds like he maybe angry or jealous about your daughters success with her education, that is why people usually make fun of something. As a mother, of a daughter I would have a heart to heart talk with her and express your concerns of how he treats you, but never expressing your lack of excitement about the potential wedding. I then would speak to the young man about your thoughts of how he is acting with of course your daughter being made aware beforehand. Hopefully with a good line of communication everything will be out in the open and your thoughts of him will change, if not his true colors may come forth revealing why you have these thoughts about him. I cant say this enough but a Mother truly knows in her heart when something isn't right. So to you I will be praying that everything works out for your daughter's future and for your family. Keep posting and stay positive.

Re: WHAT IF A MOTHERS HEART IS RIGHT??

goodstuff — Mon, 21 Jul 2014 04:14:31 GMT

I think premarital counseling is a wonderful idea for all couples. If your daughter was raised in your faith, maybe she will want to marry in a church and go through premarital counseling, which is required before marriage in many churches. Choosing that, however, will be up to your daughter and her fiance.

Whatever your worries, I'd encourage you to be very careful about voicing your concerns about your daughter's fiance. If she has several advanced degrees, she is obviously well into adulthood, intelligent, and well educated......and she's in love. Continue to pray if you have concerns, but unless there is abuse or criminal activity involved, keep your concerns to yourself. Try to support your daughter's choice and share her joy as much as you are able. It's always possible that you're just an over-anxious mom who worries that her daughter's chosen partner may not be worthy of her and/or isn't what you visualized or expected. Things may work out better than you fear, and/or your daughter and her husband may build a successful relationship and family that is different from what you dreamed. If things don't work out.........that's always sad, but many people and families survive failed marriages and even learn from them. In any event, this is your daughter's life and her choice. Time to step aside and let her be an adult.

Re: WHAT IF A MOTHERS HEART IS RIGHT??

dayari — Mon, 21 Jul 2014 04:20:54 GMT

Thank you to the kind people who have posted I however regret writing this post and feel terrible about the judgement and comments in regards to my intentions. Please if anyone knows how I can delete my initial post I'd greatly appreciate it. If QVC reads this I welcome a pouf on it all. I was looking for a shoulder to lean on that would not be judgmental yet asking for opinions left me open to that. I appreciate those that wrote but I really would like to end this post.

Re: WHAT IF A MOTHERS HEART IS RIGHT??

Colonel Meow — Mon, 21 Jul 2014 04:23:49 GMT

On 7/20/2014 dayari said:
Thank you to the kind people who have posted I however regret writing this post and feel terrible about the judgement and comments in regards to my intentions. Please if anyone knows how I can delete my initial post I'd greatly appreciate it. If QVC reads this I welcome a pouf on it all. I was looking for a shoulder to lean on that would not be judgmental yet asking for opinions left me open to that. I appreciate those that wrote but I really would like to end this post.

Please don't let ""the nasties"" scare you off this forum. Most everyone else here understood your intentions were good.

Re: WHAT IF A MOTHERS HEART IS RIGHT??

Tinkrbl44 — Mon, 21 Jul 2014 04:24:05 GMT

OP, what did you say when he asked for your blessing?

With all due respect, you really don't know that your heart is "right" about this situation. He may make her very happy .... you don't have to live with him, she does. Pre-marital counselling is a great idea. but however this plays out, this is HER path to walk, not yours. Have a little faith that things will turn out well.

Re: WHAT IF A MOTHERS HEART IS RIGHT??

ROMARY — Mon, 21 Jul 2014 04:28:08 GMT

I always encourage pre-marital counseling, no matter how 'perfect' a couple seems to be. Wishing O/P and her daughter the best. And feel free to come back and post. Lots of nice folks here. Blessings sent your way.........