topic Re: problem with daughters wedding in Mom to Mom

problem with daughters wedding

beach ladydrb — Thu, 22 May 2014 03:17:41 GMT

My daughter and her boyfriend told us last week that they are engaged and want to be married this fall. They have already started planning, booked the venue, DJ, and are handling it themselves. As we did for our oldest, we would like to pay for most of the costs. They want asmall wedding, only 40 people at most. My husbands niece asked if she couldbring her two sons ages 2 and 4. They really do not want children at the wedding and feel very strongly about it. Well, my husband's brother called up my mother in law and complained, basically asking if she could convince them to change their minds. She was upset, why don't they let them come? She asked me to talk to them. I did but they are firm about it. I respect their decision but now it has caused problems. My husband can't understand why they don't let them come in the interest of family harmony and now my daughter feels he is chosing them over her. I feel like I am stuck in the middle. Any advics? Has anyone else had this issue come up?

Re: problem with daughters wedding

chessylady — Thu, 22 May 2014 03:23:16 GMT

Since they are having a small wedding, I believe that your husband's niece is wrong to want to include small children who won't even remember the wedding. She can get a sitter for the night and enjoy the wedding.

Re: problem with daughters wedding

debcakes — Thu, 22 May 2014 03:26:02 GMT

My daughter had no children at her wedding either, with the exception being the groom's cousin's little daughters. They were also the little flower girls. They were at the dinner and danced the first dance or so in their father's arms. They were very well behaved and after their dance were taken to the hotel room where the mom had brought a babysitter. My daughter also adores these little girls and wanted them there.

Maybe you could say that they could come to the ceremony and not the dinner or reception.

Re: problem with daughters wedding

Ceci — Thu, 22 May 2014 03:27:15 GMT

Ring bearer, flower girl? If you are paying, you make the decision. JMO

Re: problem with daughters wedding

PurpleBunny — Thu, 22 May 2014 03:27:58 GMT

I think the people pushing for the children are being rude and if I were you, someone going to MIL would really p me off. If they say "yes" to these children, others will be offended that THEIR children weren't included. If they don't want children at the wedding, make that decree and stick to it.

Re: problem with daughters wedding

Madame Lorrraine — Thu, 22 May 2014 03:28:52 GMT

The best advice I can give you is to STAY OUT OF IT. It's too bad your relatives are trying to involve you in this and you probably should have refused to get involved. But it's done, they said no, and you should refuse to get involved in this any more.

Weddings; they can make people crazy...My son got married last year; they decided to make their own plans and paid for most of it themselves. And I was delighted not to have been enmeshed in the preparations.

Re: problem with daughters wedding

autumnnj — Thu, 22 May 2014 03:29:19 GMT

We didn't invite children to our wedding, one of my cousins didn't come because of it. The couple shouldn't be forced to change their plans.

Re: problem with daughters wedding

Ceci — Thu, 22 May 2014 03:31:02 GMT

On 5/21/2014 PurpleBunny said: I think the people pushing for the children are being rude and if I were you, someone going to MIL would really p me off. If they say "yes" to thise children, others will be offended that THEIR children weren't included. If they don't want children at the wedding, make that decree and stick to it.

Not if they were in the wedding party. They wouldn't be guests, they would be participants. There's a difference.

Re: problem with daughters wedding

shoekitty — Thu, 22 May 2014 03:32:04 GMT

I am so sorry you have to go through this. This subject comes up about twice a year on these boards. It is a really debated subject. My feeling is, unless they are close blood relatives I wouldn't even concider it. Myself, I would not bring them. A few reasons. First, they have asked this be the case, and it is the bride and grooms day. Next, IMO kids that small have no place at wedding unless they are IN the wedding. Kids are miserable at a wedding, and many times spoil the time for others. The parents never watch them, and the kids go wild. They cry and scream in church. Even if kids are perfect (like my grandkids, lol) I can guarantee, throw them in a wedding environment and they will act up. Next kids cost as much as adults at a wedding. My one daughter allowed the kids of her bridesmaid, and a few other family members to come to her wedding. Boy, were we all sorry. To this day people talk about this one 5 year old that ran amok, under tables and such and even ripped the dress of a guest (accident of course), but no one watched her all the time.The parents were socializing, and drinking. Of course the parents thought she was soooooooo cute. People were really angry. It was awful. She peeked under dresses, clawed with food at peoples ankles under the table. She scared one lady so bad, I thought she would have a heart attack. 14 years later we still talk about her!

The best way sometimes is to divide the cost up, pay as you usually would, but put your money into the clothes, church part. If they are taking care of their share make sure it is the reception part, then you can blame them.

Last, I know people will get mad. If they are really mad about it, so be it. Your daughter should really call the Uncle herself and explain. JMHO

It is very common these days to not allow children. It opens the door to so many other problems. But every person thinks that just their kids should be allowed as an exception. I guess sticking by their guns, is the best way to resolve it. But someone is always offended.

Re: problem with daughters wedding

PurpleBunny — Thu, 22 May 2014 03:33:25 GMT

On 5/21/2014 Ceci said:
On 5/21/2014 PurpleBunny said: I think the people pushing for the children are being rude and if I were you, someone going to MIL would really p me off. If they say "yes" to thise children, others will be offended that THEIR children weren't included. If they don't want children at the wedding, make that decree and stick to it.

Not if they were in the wedding party. They wouldn't be guests, they would be participants. There's a difference.

But they should not feel forced to put them in the wedding party. If it's a tiny wedding, they probably don't want a lot of attendants. If they don't want kids there, period - that probably includes IN the wedding.

Re: problem with daughters wedding

Still Raining — Thu, 22 May 2014 03:34:22 GMT

Bride and groom's wedding - their rules.

Not saying I agree with them, just saying it is their event.

Re: problem with daughters wedding

Classique — Thu, 22 May 2014 03:34:25 GMT

How RUDE of your husband's niece! Kids and weddings do not mix well. The wedding is about the bride and groom and not spoiled brats running noisily all over the place.

There are some well-mannered children somewhere I am sure but even they do not belong where they are not invited.

These people who decide to have kids and then push them on everyone else are revolting. They will use any tactic to get their own way like she and her dad seem to be doing.

Respect the wishes of the bride and groom. Do not feel guilty or give in! It is also very unfair for them to put you in the middle. Can't your daughter tell them their will be no children? If she's old enough to get married she should be able to say "no" to these people.

If you are really pushed, maybe you could tell them you are sorry but that it is not your wedding and that the guest list isn't up to you. If it were, of course their little darlings would be welcome but it is not and you as the bride's mother, have to respect her wishes and forcing the issue would cause much unnecessary stress!

Re: problem with daughters wedding

drizzellla — Thu, 22 May 2014 03:39:40 GMT

If you daughter prefers to have no children and made her wishes known from the beginning, I think the niece actions are uncalled for. AND to go to the MIL makes it worse. It is your daughters wedding, not the niece's. Please respect your daughter's wishes. And especially if she only wants 40 or so people.

I have been to too many weddings with kids running around, hiding under tables and pulling tablecloths. Or worse yet I was at one wedding and one kid screamed and cried throughout the entire ceremony. And I mean every minute. By the time we went to the reception all anyone wanted to do was get out of there.

When my niece got married there was a no kids rule. So all her Aunt and Uncle's kids were babysat at her Mom's house. The kids all had a lot more fun playing with games, toys and one another. They had a lot more fun than if they went to the wedding.

Re: problem with daughters wedding

Classique — Thu, 22 May 2014 03:41:26 GMT

If the niece and her dad don't like it, too bad. Let them just all stay home if need be. They're showing their true colors and forewarned is forearmed!

Re: problem with daughters wedding

beach ladydrb — Thu, 22 May 2014 03:42:22 GMT

I wanted to add a couple more facts. My daughter feels this way because there were screaming kids at her sisters wedding.The relatives are all from out of town, and we are not really close to them. My daughter has only seen them a few times in her life. They dont seem to want to come for her, just as a reason to see my mother in law. My daughter is only having 2 attendants, no children in the wedding party either. Once she and her fiance found out about the phone call to my mother inlaw, they really got angry. Now my daughter feels as if my mother in law isnt interested in her wedding, just in seeing her great grandchildren. It really is a mess.

Re: problem with daughters wedding

PurpleBunny — Thu, 22 May 2014 03:44:37 GMT

On 5/21/2014 mineralgirl1 said: I wanted to add a couple more facts. They are all from out of town, and we are not really close to them. My daughter has only seen them a few times in her life. They dont seem to want to come for her, just as a reason to see my mother in law. My daughter is only having 2 attendants, no children in the wedding party either. Once she and her fiance found out about the phone call to my mother inlaw, they really got angry. Now my daughter feels as if my mother in law isnt interested in her wedding, just in seeing her great grandchildren. It really is a mess.

If you aren't close, even more so - stick to the plan. No kids.

Re: problem with daughters wedding

RainyDayGal — Thu, 22 May 2014 03:47:23 GMT

Why can't people just be allowed to have the wedding their way? It's not about the niece and her children, it's your daughter and her fiance's special day. People need to just butt out and let them do it the way they want. Period. End of story.

Re: problem with daughters wedding

circles — Thu, 22 May 2014 03:48:18 GMT

kids do NOT belong at weddings....can't that couple get a sitter for the night....very rude of them to think everyone just loves their kids hanging around....who the heck do they think they are asking people to have the couple change their minds....RUDE .....

Re: problem with daughters wedding

Classique — Thu, 22 May 2014 03:54:30 GMT

It seems very strange that this niece would bring this up this early. Tell your husband and mil that they are ruining all the fun and all the planning still to come. Has a date even been set yet? The niece has plenty of time to arrange child care and don't let them use that as an excuse to manipulate you.

If the niece claims no child care, let her stay home and take care of her kids. Or let your meddling mil do it! The more I think about this, the worse it seems! I can relate to how you feel and I, as well, am so sorry you are being put on-the-spot about this.

This entire situation illustrates some of my posts on other topics re. people having no manners. Anyone with any sense of etiquette would know the correct thing would be for your niece to wait until she receives an invitation and if it does not include those kids, she should know to not even ask! One almost never should ask to include those not specifically invited PERIOD and this business of people claiming "there are no rules anymore" is just wrong.

Good manners and rules of etiquette are meant to prevent awkard situations such as this from arising in the first place!

Your niece, her father and your mother-in-law should know better and shame on them. Give them an etiquette book at the next appropriate occasion even if you have to go to a used book store to find one!

Re: problem with daughters wedding

chi5925 — Thu, 22 May 2014 03:58:55 GMT

Unless Copernicus called the niece recently to remind her that she's the center of the universe, this niece sounds like she was raised under a rock.

I agree with others here......it's your daughter's wedding and SHE (along with future hubby) should be the ones deciding on the guest list....PERIOD!

I'm from an era where kids were always included in weddings both for church and reception, however, your daughter and your future son-in-law's wishes/decisions must outweigh what family and/or friends want.