topic Re: compliment gone awry :( in Community Chat

compliment gone awry :(

freakygirl — Wed, 07 Dec 2016 17:23:22 GMT

i was at a christmas party last night and there was a lady there who was older than me (i won't mention her age). her husband was the one who mentioned her age, and i was taken aback. she looked great for someone her age, in my estimation of how someone her age would most likely look. she even resembled a celebrity. so i sincerely complimented her, and i was rewarded with a death stare. she then proceeded to get up and walk away. i was dumbfounded, and up until now, i can't understand what i said wrong. i'm old, but my age has never bothered me.

i guess i should be more careful next time before i compliment someone.

Re: compliment gone awry :(

qualitygal — Wed, 07 Dec 2016 17:28:32 GMT

Did you say she looked like some celebrity that has already passed? I'm a little fuzzy on that part. Or maybe it was someone she detested? Who knows? Or maybe she just resembled that remark and she knew it. Oldness is a bitter pill to swallow.

Re: compliment gone awry :(

cherry — Wed, 07 Dec 2016 17:27:06 GMT

It takes all kinds. Did you happen to say, you look good for your age or something like that?

My age is the least of my worries, I don't care who knows it. Some people are very shallow and vain, and maybe you just ran into one

Re: compliment gone awry :(

chickenbutt — Wed, 07 Dec 2016 17:27:33 GMT

What, exactly, did you say?

Re: compliment gone awry :(

hckynut — Wed, 07 Dec 2016 17:30:04 GMT

@freakygirl

It is a waste of your time to analyze why people nowadays are offended. Unfortunately, it doesn't take much.

hckynut(john)

Re: compliment gone awry :(

Katcat1 — Wed, 07 Dec 2016 17:30:34 GMT

Yes, what exactly did you say? That will tell the story.

Re: compliment gone awry :(

VanSleepy — Wed, 07 Dec 2016 17:33:25 GMT

If you said she looked good "for her age" that might've done it.

Re: compliment gone awry :(

on the bay — Wed, 07 Dec 2016 17:34:33 GMT

Some people are incredibly sensitive about their age.

I'm not and I'm glad I'm not but I understand how some are.

I think they don't want to think about how old they are and don't want others to notice or mention it.

Its one thing to say-"You are beautiful!" as opposed to something like:"I never would have known!" or you look 20 years younger or anything like that I guess.

Its painful for some to always be aware that they are "older" or aging.

My mother and aunts are that way-it is a total no-no to mention it and they will never tell!

Re: compliment gone awry :(

QVCkitty1 — Wed, 07 Dec 2016 17:39:30 GMT

If you told me I look good for my age, I would give you the death stare too. It's all right to get offended, and my pet peeve is the non- apology, the one that goes, " I'm sorry you were offended by what I said ".

Re: compliment gone awry :(

qvcaddition — Wed, 07 Dec 2016 17:40:02 GMT

OMG, I was in BBW yesterday and a beautiful Gentleman walked in behind me. We later struck up a conversation and we both were born and raisrd in SF. We talked about our schools and our dogs, mine was with me, that is what really started the conversation.

We got to talking about age, and he was kind and said you don't look old to me. I said, I'm older than dirt or anybody I meet. He said, I'm 84, he looked so good, hardly any wrinkles andf a beautiful head of white hair. I told him how old I was, younger than him and he was again kind and said, you don't look it. I have been told by others that get taken aback when I give my age. Mostly because I don't act it. I'm full of life, he was also,. I asked if he was married, he said yes and so a good talk, but that's as far as I will go. There is a wife at home. He and I have and still exercise all our lives. I think that helps to stay young at heart.

Re: compliment gone awry :(

chrystaltree — Wed, 07 Dec 2016 17:42:38 GMT

It depends on what you said to the woman, which must have been offensive since you didn't tell us. I assume that you "complimented" her on how young she looked "for her age" or that you gushed about how much she looked like that celebrity. You have odd idea of what "age" looks like and that might be why she took offense. In this day and age, you can't tell how old someone is. And just knowing that someone is 40 or 60 or 80 doesn't in anway mean that they must look a certain way. I've had people tell me that I don't "look like I have children in their thirties". I don't get offended but I it always comes across as a dumb thing to say to someone. Is it supposed to be a compliment? What is a woman with adult children supposed to look like? I have a 31 year old and a 33 year old, so obviously I must look like I do. All those things flash through my mind in an instant! Don't worry about it. Just learn from it. You got a little to personal with someone you didn't even know. Next time, just say "I love that necklace...:".

Re: compliment gone awry :(

chickenbutt — Wed, 07 Dec 2016 17:44:35 GMT

I don't think I would be offended if somebody said I looked good for my age because I know they most likely meant well. Some people are not as eloquent as others, and I get that.

But I am curious as to what precisely was said, to make a call as to why this lady seemed so perturbed at the compliment.

Heck, the last time I got asked for my ID in a grocery store to purchase a 12 pack of beer I was 42. The lady, who was rather rude initially (she really DID think I was under 21!), about fell over herself when I showed my driver's license. She got nice after that, which I appreciated. Yup, I looked good for my age. It's probably caught up by now but I'll always remember that.

But, seriously, even if the OP said the lady looked good for her age, it's kind of rude that the lady was so rude at an obvious good intention.

Re: compliment gone awry :(

libbyannE — Wed, 07 Dec 2016 17:46:38 GMT

It 's hard for me to understand people being sensitive about how old they are. I am always happy to have another birthday. I love this anonymous board because I can say something I would never say in person: I was always attractive and still am but I think I look my age. And that's just fine with me. I don't think about it! My self-worth has never been based on my appearance.

Re: compliment gone awry :(

Tinkrbl44 — Wed, 07 Dec 2016 17:47:38 GMT

@freakygirl wrote:
i was at a christmas party last night and there was a lady there who was older than me (i won't mention her age). her husband was the one who mentioned her age, and i was taken aback. she looked great for someone her age, in my estimation of how someone her age would most likely look. she even resembled a celebrity. so i sincerely complimented her, and i was rewarded with a death stare. she then proceeded to get up and walk away. i was dumbfounded, and up until now, i can't understand what i said wrong. i'm old, but my age has never bothered me.
i guess i should be more careful next time before i compliment someone.

@freakygirl

So why didn't you tell us what you "sincerely" said?

Re: compliment gone awry :(

ValuSkr — Wed, 07 Dec 2016 17:50:58 GMT

If her husband told you her age, I'd feel like he was fishing for a compliment, knowing she'd appreciate it. I'd probably have said something similar (you look great for your age, etc). Weird situation - in the twilight zone.

Re: compliment gone awry :(

chrystaltree — Wed, 07 Dec 2016 17:51:00 GMT

@chickenbutt wrote:
I don't think I would be offended if somebody said I looked good for my age because I know they most likely meant well. Some people are not as eloquent as others, and I get that.

But I am curious as to what precisely was said, to make a call as to why this lady seemed so perturbed at the compliment.

Heck, the last time I got asked for my ID in a grocery store to purchase a 12 pack of beer I was 42. The lady, who was rather rude initially (she really DID think I was under 21!), about fell over herself when I showed my driver's license. She got nice after that, which I appreciated. Yup, I looked good for my age. It's probably caught up by now but I'll always remember that.

But, seriously, even if the OP said the lady looked good for her age, it's kind of rude that the lady was so rude at an obvious good intention.

Well, that's why we all learn from a young age that it is rude and impolite to comment on a stranger's appearance appearance. We just never know how it will be taken. There's a difference between "I love the shade of your lipstick" or "that hat is very flattering and so chic" and....."you sure do look good for someone your age".

Re: compliment gone awry :(

freakygirl — Wed, 07 Dec 2016 17:51:17 GMT

yes, i did say for your age, and now i'll never use those 3 words again! i've complimented others the same way, both men and women, and they were just giddy hearing it. this is the first adverse reaction i've encountered, so i better stop saying it. no one in my family is sensitive that way, so i'm just unfamiliar with age being an issue.

live and learn.

Re: compliment gone awry :(

Krimpette — Wed, 07 Dec 2016 17:51:51 GMT

Without knowing what you said (no matter how sincere), impossible to tell why she was offended.

Re: compliment gone awry :(

tennpal15 — Wed, 07 Dec 2016 17:53:04 GMT

@freakygirl wrote:
yes, i did say for your age, and now i'll never use those 3 words again! i've complimented others the same way, both men and women, and they were just giddy hearing it. this is the first adverse reaction i've encountered, so i better stop saying it. no one in my family is sensitive that way, so i'm just unfamiliar with age being an issue.
live and learn.

that is the very definition of a back-handed compliment. I'm not surprised she iced you out.

Re: compliment gone awry :(

ChynnaBlue — Wed, 07 Dec 2016 17:54:15 GMT

Compliments shouldn't come with qualifiers, such as "for your age" or "for a girl," because those aren't really compliments, they sound condescending. Even if you did not actually use the words "for your age," but complimented her only after someone else gave her age, that person already qualified your compliment for you. If you said, "Oh, but you look beautiful" or "I never would have guessed, you look so beautiful/young/etc" that also comes across as meaning "no one your age could expect to be beautiful." If it was right after her husband gave her age, it could also have been interpreted as a pity compliment.

Or maybe she was just having a bad day and it wouldn't have mattered what you said. That can be a factor at any time.