topic Re: Holiday Gifts - How to stop? in Community Chat

Holiday Gifts - How to stop?

pattyc — Wed, 16 Nov 2016 16:41:09 GMT

My friend's grandaugher who is 19 and in college has always bought gifts for us. The gifts were very much appreciated and very thoughtful even when they were items we did not use. Now, that she is in college we would rather she not spend her money on us but on her own expenses. I hope this does not sound cold because it's not intended that way and please no judgement replies. Any suggestions on how to address this? Thanks.

Re: Holiday Gifts - How to stop?

Tinkrbl44 — Wed, 16 Nov 2016 16:45:43 GMT

@pattyc wrote:
My friend's grandaugher who is 19 and in college has always bought gifts for us. The gifts were very much appreciated and very thoughtful even when they were items we did not use. Now, that she is in college we would rather she not spend her money on us but on her own expenses. I hope this does not sound cold because it's not intended that way and please no judgement replies. Any suggestions on how to address this? Thanks.

@pattyc

Well, first, have you spoken to your friend? Priorities change and it sounds like you think she is short of cash .... is that true?

I guess you can call this young lady ... or send her a lovely note explaining your thoughts.

I'll be interested to see what others have to say on this.

Re: Holiday Gifts - How to stop?

ChynnaBlue — Wed, 16 Nov 2016 16:46:46 GMT

What a lovely and thoughtful tradition.

I would tell her exactly that and maybe let her know that you would, in place of a gift, love a holiday card or email telling you about what's happening at school or a picture of her with some of her new friends or at her school.

If she lives near you, maybe you could take her to lunch or have her over for lunch in place of a gift.

Re: Holiday Gifts - How to stop?

ROMARY — Wed, 16 Nov 2016 16:49:36 GMT

My guess is that the grandaughter enjoys buying gifts for you. Some/many people truly enjoy giving gifts. Maybe a slight hint to her that you realize that she will be on a budget and that sending you postcards of her new town, or photos of her college experiences would be just as delightful, etc. p.s. Sounds as though her parents and grandparents raised her to be very thoughtful.

Re: Holiday Gifts - How to stop?

vermint — Wed, 16 Nov 2016 16:49:47 GMT

@pattyc I haven't been in quite the same situation, but there did come a time when we firmly told our parents to stop giving us gifts, and to spend their limited dollars on themselves (or their grandchildren if they insisted on buying gifts). I think they were relieved!

Write a nice note to this very thoughtful young lady expressing your wishes, and your concern that she should be using her money for her own needs. Then let her decide for herself what to do. She may be grateful!

Re: Holiday Gifts - How to stop?

2blonde — Wed, 16 Nov 2016 16:53:00 GMT

@ChynnaBlue wrote:
What a lovely and thoughtful tradition.

I would tell her exactly that and maybe let her know that you would, in place of a gift, love a holiday card or email telling you about what's happening at school or a picture of her with some of her new friends or at her school.

If she lives near you, maybe you could take her to lunch or have her over for lunch in place of a gift.

@ChynnaBlue Excellent ideas!

Re: Holiday Gifts - How to stop?

Sooner — Wed, 16 Nov 2016 17:19:34 GMT

I think contacting her and telling her that she is a wonderful part of your lives, but now that she is in school and you know how busy she will be, and how expensive things are, her BEST gift to you would be to call, e-mail or whatever communication methods you use, and let you know how her life is going.

If you can get together with her sometime, even better. Tell her that her biggest present to you is for you to be part of her life.

I suspect she will be very happy to hear that because she will have new friends who she will want to buy for and she is at a point where life and demands on your time and money are changing.

HOW THOUGHTFUL of you! Also, tell her what gifts you particularly loved and how you cherish them and her!

Re: Holiday Gifts - How to stop?

Moonchilde — Wed, 16 Nov 2016 17:23:08 GMT

@ChynnaBlue wrote:
What a lovely and thoughtful tradition.

I would tell her exactly that and maybe let her know that you would, in place of a gift, love a holiday card or email telling you about what's happening at school or a picture of her with some of her new friends or at her school.

If she lives near you, maybe you could take her to lunch or have her over for lunch in place of a gift.

Perfect, IMO.

Acknowledging the lovely tradition, acknowledging that times and situations change, and letting her know you want the closeness to remain. I can't think it could be done any better than that.

Re: Holiday Gifts - How to stop?

rickiraccoon — Wed, 16 Nov 2016 17:24:56 GMT

You gave a perfectly reasonable explanation to us and think she would understand if you stated it to her that way also. And she might even be relieved She sounds like a nice young lady.

Re: Holiday Gifts - How to stop?

Kitlynn — Wed, 16 Nov 2016 17:56:09 GMT

Sometimes in life we have to let others do something for us just because it makes them feel good. I would not say anything and just accept the gifts graciously. She knows what she can afford and I am sure her gifts will fit her budget. Just say Thank You and you can always treat her to lunch, give her an Amazon gift card or even some cash in a nice Christmas card and just say Thank You.

Re: Holiday Gifts - How to stop?

sidsmom — Wed, 16 Nov 2016 18:17:11 GMT

If conversing directly to the young girl,

I would say something lighthearted...like,

'We're getting too old for presents!

How about saving your money & buy yourself

something pretty?! Just send us a nice picture

of yourself so we can put it on the refrigerator all year!'

You're basically saying 'no', but offering a couple solutions.

--------------------

I had something like this.

Worked with a lady who travelled a lot.

She always brought me back little trinkets.

I would say, 'Thank you. You didn't need to!',

write a thank you note & immediately placed it in the Goodwill bag.

I eventually used the 'just send me a picture' bit...it worked.

Re: Holiday Gifts - How to stop?

jlkz — Wed, 16 Nov 2016 19:04:17 GMT

Last year I finally stopped gift exchanges: in my early 70's I don't need anything.

During late summer, I met individually with the few folks and told them I would much prefer to have one-on-one lunch rather than a gift. The conversation and interaction would be more meaningful than another scarf or candle.

It has worked nicely. They know that I care about them and what is happening in their lives. I can be supportive when they need it. Memories are made of this....

Re: Holiday Gifts - How to stop?

KYToby — Wed, 16 Nov 2016 19:23:26 GMT

If she wishes to give you a gift, accept it graciously and be thankful.

While I understand your concerns, as others have said, some people enjoy giving gifts.

For instance, my mother's family stopped buying gifts for everyone in the family years ago, choosing to focus on buying only for the children in the family. My mother, though, enjoyed giving gifts, so she continued to buy and give everyone a gift each year during the holidays. She did not do this because she expected aything in return, and she continued to do this even though she could have used the moey on herself; she did it because she enjoyed it.

Even now, five years after her death, I send gifts to everyone in the family -- not because we are particularly close or because of the holiday (I do not celebrate it) but because this was always important to my mother.

Re: Holiday Gifts - How to stop?

ChynnaBlue — Wed, 16 Nov 2016 19:38:46 GMT

@Kitlynn wrote:
Sometimes in life we have to let others do something for us just because it makes them feel good. I would not say anything and just accept the gifts graciously. She knows what she can afford and I am sure her gifts will fit her budget. Just say Thank You and you can always treat her to lunch, give her an Amazon gift card or even some cash in a nice Christmas card and just say Thank You.

That's right, but doing something for others to feel good doesn't mean money must be spent.

Re: Holiday Gifts - How to stop?

GenXmuse — Wed, 16 Nov 2016 19:40:04 GMT

Do you send gifts to her as well?

My sister and I stopped exchanging gifts at Christmas since we both buy for each other's children and I was so relieved when she brought it up! Maybe she will be too. Or at the least touched you'd think of her.

Re: Holiday Gifts - How to stop?

qualitygal — Wed, 16 Nov 2016 19:49:08 GMT

Just tell her this year, you'd rather she spend her money on some things she might need. Ask her to send a picture of it, if you'd like. sometimes they are relieved to have you call a halt to it.

Re: Holiday Gifts - How to stop?

Noel7 — Thu, 17 Nov 2016 00:20:31 GMT

@ChynnaBlue wrote:
What a lovely and thoughtful tradition.

I would tell her exactly that and maybe let her know that you would, in place of a gift, love a holiday card or email telling you about what's happening at school or a picture of her with some of her new friends or at her school.

If she lives near you, maybe you could take her to lunch or have her over for lunch in place of a gift.

*********************************

Nicely put. I agree.

Re: Holiday Gifts - How to stop?

Burnsite — Thu, 17 Nov 2016 00:24:22 GMT

I may not be in the majority, but to me if someone wants to give a gift, they shouldn't be told not to.

By definitiion, a gift is given _freely_.

You don't have to send one to reciprocate if you don't wish to. If you don't, she may stop if she is politely continuing an exchange.

Re: Holiday Gifts - How to stop?

Imadickens — Thu, 17 Nov 2016 00:58:45 GMT

@pattyc. I would send her a holiday card early and explain how much you always cherished her thoughtfulness. Tell her you have such warm memories about each gift, especially since she put such thought into them. However, you know how expensive this phase of her life is and what would please you most is for her to spend the money on something she needs. Instead of a gift, tell her you'd love if each holiday shed write about a time you shared that meant a lot to her. I did this with my own children and the results were amazing! But if she buys you a gift, gracefully accept it, thank her and do what you need to do with it. Some people get great satisfaction from buying gifts for others! I would never tell her that her gifts went unwanted! Try to hold onto the love with which they were likely given! Isn't that what really counts?

Re: Holiday Gifts - How to stop?

pattypeep — Thu, 17 Nov 2016 01:41:19 GMT

Our daughter and sil always mailed us gifts aross the states to the tune of $25 postage in addition to the gifts which we do not need. I finally just said, we really love you and appreciate what you do, but please spend your hard earned money on yourselves and your home. That's the best gift you can give us.