topic Re: DEALING WITH NEW NEIGHBOR in Community Chat

DEALING WITH NEW NEIGHBOR

pdlinda — Fri, 14 Oct 2016 16:25:45 GMT

I've lived in my apt for 17 years and recently got new neighbors. There are 2 apts per floor. Kitchen windows face each other.

Last year I retired from a very stressful career in the criminal justice field where I worked for 25 years.

In all the years I'm here, I've had many neighbors across the hall. In each case it was a woman who worked as I did on a regular schedule.

New neighbors are a middle-aged couple. When they moved in last month, I met them briefly on the walkway between our apartments and was cordial.

I noticed that, unlike the rest of the people here, the new couple keeps their kitchen window blinds raised so when I leave I'm looking right into their apartment. This makes me feel uncomfortable as I'm not sure whether to acknowledge them if they are staring right at me.

I feel awkward as I've never experienced this before. The apt is very bright with panoramic views all around, so the practice I've always had (and the other 5 residents of the building) is to keep the kitchen blinds drawn to maintain privacy.

Yesterday, the man knocked on my door and asked when I'd be available to come over for "coffee." I was kind of shocked as this has never happened before. The neighbors here are "friendly" but there's never been "socializing" one neighbor to another.

I responded in some "neutral" way not wanting to appear rude; however, I felt uncomfortable.

I do NOT want to establish a "friendship" with this couple but feel fine casually greeting them like I do the other neighbors.

The whole point of my retirement was to allow me to do what I want, when I want to, with whom I want to and have the privacy I have always experienced living here. This situation has created some unwelcome stress for me.

Believe me, I KNOW the issue is mine as I know I have no control over these people and the only "control" I have is how I respond to them.

Any suggestions how I maintain my boundries and not encourage any further social interaction with these people except for normal greetings without seeming to be rude???

Re: DEALING WITH NEW NEIGHBOR

DiAnne — Fri, 14 Oct 2016 16:33:59 GMT

I think the neighbors are probably just trying to be nice. You do not have to establish a "friendship" with them. I am friendly with my neighbors but do not socialize with them but when there are problems (power outages from windstorms, low land snow, etc) we all band together and help each other. Having coffee is just getting acquainted.

Re: DEALING WITH NEW NEIGHBOR

cherry — Fri, 14 Oct 2016 16:34:02 GMT

Just say no

Re: DEALING WITH NEW NEIGHBOR

Qshopper1991 — Fri, 14 Oct 2016 16:35:37 GMT

Have coffee with him one time. Make sure you smell like a polecat and when offered a drink or food, let it drool out of your mouth. Clear your throat and bring up some mucus - really gross him out. Then excuse yourself and as you leave, fart or belch real loud.

I'll guarantee he'll NEVER invite you over again

Re: DEALING WITH NEW NEIGHBOR

PhilaLady1 — Fri, 14 Oct 2016 16:40:29 GMT

My husband is outgoing and friendly. I am not. I know many won't like the sound of this, but I happen to think that just because by coincidence, people happen to live near or next to each other, does not mean you have to be friends, get to know each other, have coffee, etc..... With my neighbors, I say hello and that's it. Your new neighbors will eventually leave you alone if you do the same to them.

Re: DEALING WITH NEW NEIGHBOR

SaRina — Fri, 14 Oct 2016 16:39:55 GMT

I understand completely how you feel as I'm not exactly a social butterfly and like my privacy too.

Just one point of clarification.... you said you are keeping your kitchen blinds down, so why is there a problem looking straight into their kitchen?

If you really wanted nothing to do with them... ever... after the invitation, I might have said, "Thanks, I'll let you know" and leave it at that. Or, you might just accept the invitation for coffee and if they want to get together after that, you could say, "Gee, my schedule is awfully full, I'll let you know". Or, just be honest and say, "I just retired and need a long rest right now, but thanks anyway."

OTOH, you may find you like this couple and it may not be a bad idea to cultivate a friendship or at least to know people you can rely upon in the future to help with whatever.

Re: DEALING WITH NEW NEIGHBOR

MalteseMomma — Fri, 14 Oct 2016 16:45:41 GMT

@pdlinda

Gosh,I think you are over reacting. Just say ,"hello" when you see them and move on. No need to get involved with them.If they try to be friendly ,just nod and continue on your way,no need to be rude,they will quickly know you do not want to socialize by your mannerizms.You do not have to go for coffee,you can thank them for the invite and tell them you are a loner and do not enjoy getting together.

As for leaving their blinds up ,that is not your business.Turn your head if it makes you uncomfortable. Obivously they do not care that anyone can see inside their home. Maybe it makes them feel more connected to the world with them up.I myself leave mine up.I like sunshine streaming in and I like to see the world outside and if they all are down I feel a little caged in .....lol

Anyway the fact that they moved in and are new there should not bother you at all.If it does ,maybe you need to buy a singular home with all the privacy you desire .

Re: DEALING WITH NEW NEIGHBOR

ValuSkr — Fri, 14 Oct 2016 16:42:06 GMT

I'm trying to imagine how your kitchen windows face each other if their apartment is across the hall from yours. LOL, I don't have a good imagination! I understand your discomfort - indeed I have no dying need to know my neighbors well. I'd take them up on their coffee offer. If things go well, so much the better. Otherwise, you can be cool in the future. And you may need to keep your shade drawn instead of hoping they'll draw theirs.

Re: DEALING WITH NEW NEIGHBOR

Tinkrbl44 — Fri, 14 Oct 2016 16:46:39 GMT

@pdlinda

Frankly, I don't think having a quick cup of coffee with these people will cause you to be joined at the hip with them!

I've no idea as to how many friends and family you have nearby, but as you're getting older, who would you call if you had a medical emergency? Having neighbors on a first name basis could actually save your life some day!

I admit I'm thinking long term, but you just never know. I see no reason why you can't maintain a simple "hello / goodbye" greeting relationship with them, even if you do have coffee with them. Insert into that brief coffee meeting that you're a very private person. No biggie.

Re: DEALING WITH NEW NEIGHBOR

2blonde — Fri, 14 Oct 2016 16:46:41 GMT

@pdlinda I think I understand how you feel, but I think you should break out of your shell just enough to accept their invitation for coffee. They obviously are used to a neighborhood that is different from where they are now. When you go over, you will have a chance to explain nicely to them your situation and why you prefer to protect your solitude. You also can explain that the neighborhood is friendly, but not necessarily sociable with other neighbors. I think this would be a kindness to them and would alleviate some of your stress about the situation. P.S. I would avoid the appearance of looking in when you see them in their oppossing window. Just look away and pretend you didn't see them, IMO.

Re: DEALING WITH NEW NEIGHBOR

santorini — Fri, 14 Oct 2016 16:47:47 GMT

I wouldn't like the kitchen window situation, but as far as making friends, I think it's awesome that they are inviting you over. I think one can never have too many friends. They reached out to you and I think it would be rude to turn them down, but it's your decision.

Re: DEALING WITH NEW NEIGHBOR

pdlinda — Fri, 14 Oct 2016 16:49:12 GMT

To clarify: The configuration of the bldg is on an "angle" so the kitchen windows face each other. My kitchen window blind is drawn. The only issue I have with their raised blind is when I leave to go out and can see directly into their home.

Re: DEALING WITH NEW NEIGHBOR

SaRina — Fri, 14 Oct 2016 16:51:05 GMT

Maybe you could replace your kitchen window with something tinted where you could see out clearly, but people can't see in. ??

Re: DEALING WITH NEW NEIGHBOR

freakygirl — Fri, 14 Oct 2016 16:53:14 GMT

tinkrbl44, that's very good advise!

Re: DEALING WITH NEW NEIGHBOR

nunya — Fri, 14 Oct 2016 16:57:35 GMT

If you are not interested in being friends with them, just go about your day as normal. You have no obligation to change your lifestyle. If they want to look out their window, so be it, just do what you do.

Although, if you live alone, maybe they are just trying to be friendly. Being invited for coffee is better than fighting with the neighbors, I suppose.

Re: DEALING WITH NEW NEIGHBOR

chiclet — Fri, 14 Oct 2016 16:59:01 GMT

When I moved into my current neighborhood I would invite the women in my neighborhood to come over in the afternoon or evening any time and have coffee, tea or whatever they wanted. My husband worked the 3-11 shift. Not one person came over so I quit inviting. One neighbor said she was a loner and did not like to socialize. She is very pleasant and we chitchat or wave if we are both outside at the same time. That is fine with me and I respected her for just being up front about it. I did not want to be besties with my neighbors but just to get to know a little about them and them about me so that we could be good neighbors...I thought it would be nice if we went on vacation for a couple of weeks that someone would call me if they saw a tree fall on my house or if I saw my neighbors cat running down the street I would call her, recommendations for doctor or restaurant....

Re: DEALING WITH NEW NEIGHBOR

SharkE — Fri, 14 Oct 2016 17:01:01 GMT

@Qshopper1991 wrote:
Have coffee with him one time. Make sure you smell like a polecat and when offered a drink or food, let it drool out of your mouth. Clear your throat and bring up some mucus - really gross him out. Then excuse yourself and as you leave, fart or belch real loud.

I'll guarantee he'll NEVER invite you over again

Can't say "fart" in here, I did and got poofed

good luck

Re: DEALING WITH NEW NEIGHBOR

nunya — Fri, 14 Oct 2016 17:03:47 GMT

Also, give it time. Things can change. I know when I moved here 23 yrs ago, I was friends with the neighbors my age. Fast forward to now, I don't socialize with any of them, but I will drop what I am doing to visit or help my elderly neighbor when she calls.

Re: DEALING WITH NEW NEIGHBOR

Buttercups — Fri, 14 Oct 2016 17:04:19 GMT

I find being friendly with neighbors is a good idea. I would say yes to coffee, and not look at their kitchen window. Just pretend it's not there. They are enjoying their view. My neighbors and I support one another in storms, caution each other about street closures, and have occasional coffee or see movies together. Also we pet sit for one another. It's fine.

If you don't want to be friendly and are fine being on your own in case of emergency, if the neighbor asks again about coffee, just say you're really busy and can you take a raincheck. He'll get the message.

Re: DEALING WITH NEW NEIGHBOR

SharkE — Fri, 14 Oct 2016 17:05:08 GMT

I'd be so happy I didn't get young people right next to me staying up all night drinking, partying and Lord knows what else going on all hrs. of the night and early morning.

I couldn't do apt. living,