topic Re: TIME TO CHANGE TRADITION ??? in Community Chat

TIME TO CHANGE TRADITION ???

shoptheQ — Wed, 21 Sep 2016 19:30:47 GMT

For 25 years have enjoyed a dinner group that started with 4 couples. We meet every other month & rotate whose house to meet at for cocktails & snacks before gpong out to a nice restaurant chosen by the hosts. We are now down to 2 couples and 2 widows who recently lost their husbands. The holidays will be difficult for them. The past 25 years we have exchanged small gifts. No one in this group "needs" anything and the widows have expressed it would be easier "emotionally" to give up this tradition. The couples who still have each other seem "resisent" to any change. Do they just not realize the holidays will never be the same for the widows?

What would you do ?

Re: TIME TO CHANGE TRADITION ???

ladyroxanne — Wed, 21 Sep 2016 19:35:24 GMT

i'm on the widows side on this one. they all all are going to be there someday and should show more compassion and sympathy towards their friends.

Re: TIME TO CHANGE TRADITION ???

Laura14 — Wed, 21 Sep 2016 19:37:49 GMT

I'm also with the widows. Totally guessing but they could also be on a tighter budget since losing their spouse and asking to end the tradition would just make it easier all the way around for them.

Re: TIME TO CHANGE TRADITION ???

beckyb1012 — Wed, 21 Sep 2016 19:39:25 GMT

Listen to them they know better than anyone where their heart is right now. In a few years it may be they are ready but for now they are not strong enough to do all without the loves of their lives.

Re: TIME TO CHANGE TRADITION ???

Noel7 — Wed, 21 Sep 2016 19:40:50 GMT

@shoptheQ wrote:
For 25 years have enjoyed a dinner group that started with 4 couples. We meet every other month & rotate whose house to meet at for cocktails & snacks before gpong out to a nice restaurant chosen by the hosts. We are now down to 2 couples and 2 widows who recently lost their husbands. The holidays will be difficult for them. The past 25 years we have exchanged small gifts. No one in this group "needs" anything and the widows have expressed it would be easier "emotionally" to give up this tradition. The couples who still have each other seem "resisent" to any change. Do they just not realize the holidays will never be the same for the widows?

What would you do ?

*********************************

I would suggest the two couples do it on their own, not in front of the ladies for whom it would cause pain.

Re: TIME TO CHANGE TRADITION ???

Ms X — Wed, 21 Sep 2016 19:43:27 GMT

It's not clear to me what the widows are objecting to and why. Do they not want to exchange gifts? Do they want to dispense with the holiday season dinner altogether? Is there something they'd rather do as a group instead?

If they recently lost their husbands, the holidays will be difficult for them. What can the rest of your group do to make it better for them? Just leaving them home alone might not be the best option. Think about how you can help them this season.

Re: TIME TO CHANGE TRADITION ???

Laura14 — Wed, 21 Sep 2016 19:42:03 GMT

@Noel7 wrote:
@shoptheQ wrote:
For 25 years have enjoyed a dinner group that started with 4 couples. We meet every other month & rotate whose house to meet at for cocktails & snacks before gpong out to a nice restaurant chosen by the hosts. We are now down to 2 couples and 2 widows who recently lost their husbands. The holidays will be difficult for them. The past 25 years we have exchanged small gifts. No one in this group "needs" anything and the widows have expressed it would be easier "emotionally" to give up this tradition. The couples who still have each other seem "resisent" to any change. Do they just not realize the holidays will never be the same for the widows?

What would you do ?
*********************************

I would suggest the two couples do it on their own, not in front of the ladies for whom it would cause pain.

I second this excellent idea!!

Re: TIME TO CHANGE TRADITION ???

jaxs mom — Wed, 21 Sep 2016 19:43:54 GMT

Why can't the widows drop out and the other two couples carry on?

Re: TIME TO CHANGE TRADITION ???

bri20 — Wed, 21 Sep 2016 19:44:02 GMT

The widows want to give up the gift-giving tradition? If that's how they feel, their wishes should be respected. Maybe the two couples can exchange gifts amongst themselves.

Do the widows want to do away with meeting for dinner too? I am unclear about that.

Re: TIME TO CHANGE TRADITION ???

CrazyDaisy — Wed, 21 Sep 2016 19:48:39 GMT

@shoptheQ wrote:
For 25 years have enjoyed a dinner group that started with 4 couples. We meet every other month & rotate whose house to meet at for cocktails & snacks before gpong out to a nice restaurant chosen by the hosts. We are now down to 2 couples and 2 widows who recently lost their husbands. The holidays will be difficult for them. The past 25 years we have exchanged small gifts. No one in this group "needs" anything and the widows have expressed it would be easier "emotionally" to give up this tradition. The couples who still have each other seem "resisent" to any change. Do they just not realize the holidays will never be the same for the widows?

What would you do ?

Think they just need to sit down and be honest with each other. Those who are 'resistent' may just be trying to keep thing normal (and fun) for the widows by keeping up the tradition. Rather than giving it up, why not come up with a new one. Something everyone can enjoy.

Re: TIME TO CHANGE TRADITION ???

Cakers3 — Wed, 21 Sep 2016 19:49:00 GMT

@shoptheQ wrote:
For 25 years have enjoyed a dinner group that started with 4 couples. We meet every other month & rotate whose house to meet at for cocktails & snacks before gpong out to a nice restaurant chosen by the hosts. We are now down to 2 couples and 2 widows who recently lost their husbands. The holidays will be difficult for them. The past 25 years we have exchanged small gifts. No one in this group "needs" anything and the widows have expressed it would be easier "emotionally" to give up this tradition. The couples who still have each other seem "resisent" to any change. Do they just not realize the holidays will never be the same for the widows?

What would you do ?

@shoptheQ How sad for the new widows. The other couples could meet on their own and still exchange gifts but I have a feeling that they will stop meeting with you and the widows. It could end up splitting up your group for good.

My suggestion is to kindly remind the remaining couples that for this year why not honor them and forget the gift giving.

I'm sure the widows would appreciate the companionship. If the other couples decide to go on their own over gifts then be prepared for them not to return.

Re: TIME TO CHANGE TRADITION ???

shoptheQ — Wed, 21 Sep 2016 19:57:15 GMT

The widows are ONLY interested in foregoing the gift exchange.

They definately want to continue the hosting rotation and going out to dinner with these long time friends.

Sorry for the confusion with my first post.

Re: TIME TO CHANGE TRADITION ???

hckynut — Wed, 21 Sep 2016 19:57:34 GMT

@shoptheQ wrote:
For 25 years have enjoyed a dinner group that started with 4 couples. We meet every other month & rotate whose house to meet at for cocktails & snacks before gpong out to a nice restaurant chosen by the hosts. We are now down to 2 couples and 2 widows who recently lost their husbands. The holidays will be difficult for them. The past 25 years we have exchanged small gifts. No one in this group "needs" anything and the widows have expressed it would be easier "emotionally" to give up this tradition. The couples who still have each other seem "resisent" to any change. Do they just not realize the holidays will never be the same for the widows?

What would you do ?

@shoptheQ

I am assuming "this group" that meet 6 times a year are very good friends. Can't imagine meeting that often with just friends/associates.

Me? I would call each widow(er) and talk with them. I would not make any decision without them being an integral part of it. My guess is you have probably spoken to them already. I understand grieving, and I understand some prefer being more isolated with their thoughts, others do better by being around goo friends.

When my mother died, I chose being around my good friends, along with my family. I really would never seek solitude

hckynut(john)

Re: TIME TO CHANGE TRADITION ???

Noel7 — Wed, 21 Sep 2016 20:16:28 GMT

@shoptheQ wrote:
The widows are ONLY interested in foregoing the gift exchange.
They definately want to continue the hosting rotation and going out to dinner with these long time friends.

Sorry for the confusion with my first post.

*******************************

That's how I understood it @shoptheQ

A lot of people who lose a spouse face holidays alone. It's painful. Especially if their friends stop including them at social events.

Re: TIME TO CHANGE TRADITION ???

jaxs mom — Wed, 21 Sep 2016 20:19:16 GMT

Well you can't force people to exchange gifts or do anything else. If they don't want to, they don't have to. But they also shouldn't be able to stop the rest of you exchanging gifts if you want to.

Re: TIME TO CHANGE TRADITION ???

Gram W — Wed, 21 Sep 2016 20:22:20 GMT

You are all true friends. It would be very caring if you could accept their wishes. You others could still exchange gifts separately. They have said that they want to stay in the group and that is good for all concerned. Next year maybe better for them and they might feel differently. It sounds like all of you might be of an age where this could happen to any of you. You could lose a spouse and will also need the support and love of your friends. I am 72 and have been a widow for 20+ years. I understand your situation. The "difficult days" will always be there but in time we can learn to smile thru our tears and draw on the beautiful memories we have made. Hang in there and all of you continue making beautiful memories. Memories are great. I am still making them so I will be prepared for my chair when mobility becomes an issue. Think of the puzzled looks on the faces of those around you when you break into laughter as you just rock away. I pray that I have the ability to remember when the time comes. No of us know what is in store. As they say live, love and be merry. Or what ever that old saying is.

Re: TIME TO CHANGE TRADITION ???

Spurt — Wed, 21 Sep 2016 20:25:08 GMT

I would just forget the gifts.....I would modify the tradition but keep it going . If the widows are left alone or the widows by themselves they may feel isolated and lonely especially for the holidays. Probably just the fellowship and company would be appreciated by the widows..... Maybe getting together to go out for dessert and coffee somewhere (instead of a dinner) and then maybe attending a festival or special event in your town---For the holidays---a Christmas concert, or a tour of Christmas lights etc......

Re: TIME TO CHANGE TRADITION ???

SaRina — Wed, 21 Sep 2016 20:44:02 GMT

IMO the "resistant" couple(s) need to be a little more sensitive in this situation and do what makes the widows more comfortable.

Re: TIME TO CHANGE TRADITION ???

SXMGirl — Wed, 21 Sep 2016 20:42:11 GMT

When the dynamics change, then the plan has to change. I would first speak with the ones who want to continue the gift-giving tradition and remind them that any long-term relationship requires compromise and the ability to make change when necessary. I would also suggest to them that if they want to continue the tradition, then they should plan a special dinner just for themselves and privately continue the gift-giving tradition. However, I would suggest that you not be part of that. Then, continue the regular dinners with everyone. No one needs to know the plans of the others.

Maybe the widows would be receptive to drawing names and setting a reasonable financial limit to a gift, much like what is done in businesses.

I would definitely keep them in the loop because holidays can be lonely.

Re: TIME TO CHANGE TRADITION ???

Perkup — Wed, 21 Sep 2016 20:39:58 GMT

As someone who has jusst recently become a widow, I am blessed to say that thanks to my precious husband, I have no financial problems. However, I have two dear friends who are also recently widowed, and their financial situations are somewhat less positive. Additionally, like me, their enthusiasm for holiday gift giving (along with birthdays) is seriously lacking.

I truly hope that given time their financial situations will become more clear and all of us will experience a return to holiday cheer.

Right now, it would be a true gift of love to your two widows to relieve them of the need for gift giving this year. Financial burden or just sadness and lack of enthusiasm for holidays should be given caring consideration.