topic Re: Private Ceremony in Community Chat

Private Ceremony

Puzzle Piece — Wed, 10 Aug 2016 16:21:54 GMT

My Father In Law passed away last May. We had the papers announce his passing and the obituary read PRIVATE CEREMONY. We let the neighbors know that it was an intimate burial, no guests. My FIL told us what he wanted on his passing and he wanted a private ceremony, no guests and only the three children with the exception of two friends. Okay, we though that would be honored by all. Apparently not as folks just showed up. My FIL strongly stated "No Celebration of Life" after the burial. Okay. Folks wanted one and asked about it after the burial. We were made to feel irresponsible for not having one.

What am I not understanding about this?

Re: Private Ceremony

Buck-i-Nana — Wed, 10 Aug 2016 16:25:00 GMT

Sadly, that doesn't surprise me. Sorry for your loss, and sorry you've had to deal with those folks.

You see that type of behaviour right here in our forum....folks who insist that they know better than everyone else and refuse to acknowledge that their way isn't the only way.

Re: Private Ceremony

Trinity11 — Wed, 10 Aug 2016 16:25:36 GMT

I am sorry this happened to you.

I remember when my mom passed, my dad was too upset to have a dinner after the burial which is customary in his family. Some of his relatives actually complained to me about it questioning why he was mourning privately.

Re: Private Ceremony

ALRATIBA — Wed, 10 Aug 2016 16:26:53 GMT

My response would have been that you were following your FIL's wishes .... and leave it at that. It's their problem, not yours.

Re: Private Ceremony

qualitygal — Wed, 10 Aug 2016 16:28:01 GMT

It's not you, it's them. A lot of people don't read all they should, and those that do say to themselves, well that can't possibly mean me. I'm not sure how to tactfully mention this beyone just honestly stating, it's just meant to be a private meeting according to the deceased wishes, we'll contact you later, but thanks anyway."

Re: Private Ceremony

ChynnaBlue — Wed, 10 Aug 2016 16:28:10 GMT

Funerals and celebrations of life are for the living, not the dead. They are rituals to help the living cope with a loss. That's what you father in law failed to understand when he decided to set the terms. Maybe he did not want to be a burden, I don't know.

Either way, I would let people know that your FIL asked for no ceremony to be held, but encourage them to hold their own because it's an important part of the grieving process. If he had a favorite place, I would tell them to go there and hold a memorial of their own, but you are honoring his wishes.

Re: Private Ceremony

Tinkrbl44 — Wed, 10 Aug 2016 16:31:53 GMT

@Puzzle Piece wrote:
My Father In Law passed away last May. We had the papers announce his passing and the obituary read PRIVATE CEREMONY. We let the neighbors know that it was an intimate burial, no guests. My FIL told us what he wanted on his passing and he wanted a private ceremony, no guests and only the three children with the exception of two friends. Okay, we though that would be honored by all. Apparently not as folks just showed up. My FIL strongly stated "No Celebration of Life" after the burial. Okay. Folks wanted one and asked about it after the burial. We were made to feel irresponsible for not having one.
What am I not understanding about this?

@Puzzle Piece

I've read many times that funerals and wakes are for the living, not the dead. People want to pay their respects and deal with the situation. The deceased is gone ... they don't really need anything from us at that point.

The only thing I don't understand is .... how did they know when to show up? And where?

Re: Private Ceremony

KentuckyWoman — Wed, 10 Aug 2016 16:37:39 GMT

When I read obits in the paper that state private services, I just send a hand written note to the survivors. Private means private.

I have learned in my life that for many people visitations and funreals are social gatherings. To expect the grieving family to stand for hours on end and greet the public while people laugh and chat it up is beyond me. When I have to go, I pay my respects and leave.

I would have told the people who showed up you were following the wishes of your family member and offer no further explanation.

Re: Private Ceremony

athenian — Wed, 10 Aug 2016 16:34:44 GMT

My father, too, wanted no ceremony at all. We explained to relatives and close friends that we were honoring his wishes. If others who were not close found it odd, we didn't care. This is a very personal decision, and there is no "right" way to bury or mourn a loved one. Pay no attention to those who have an opinion on something that is not their concern.

Re: Private Ceremony

IamMrsG — Wed, 10 Aug 2016 16:52:13 GMT

The funeral business is a huge money making enterprise, preying on grieving family members' emotions at their most vulnerable time.

Our family's preference is for strictly private funerals. Anyone who cannot honor that wasn't close enough to begin with.

Re: Private Ceremony

hckynut — Wed, 10 Aug 2016 16:54:01 GMT

@Puzzle Piece wrote:
My Father In Law passed away last May. We had the papers announce his passing and the obituary read PRIVATE CEREMONY. We let the neighbors know that it was an intimate burial, no guests. My FIL told us what he wanted on his passing and he wanted a private ceremony, no guests and only the three children with the exception of two friends. Okay, we though that would be honored by all. Apparently not as folks just showed up. My FIL strongly stated "No Celebration of Life" after the burial. Okay. Folks wanted one and asked about it after the burial. We were made to feel irresponsible for not having one.
What am I not understanding about this?

Guess I am missing your point. He wanted a private service and others showed up. When the intruders said they wanted a "celebration of life", "politely and sternly" say no, that is not what he wanted.

Maybe I see it this way because I have never been a person to not speak up, and in words and tone, that those I am speaking with know I am serious.

Re: Private Ceremony

terriebear — Wed, 10 Aug 2016 17:10:00 GMT

@Puzzle Piece wrote:
My Father In Law passed away last May. We had the papers announce his passing and the obituary read PRIVATE CEREMONY. We let the neighbors know that it was an intimate burial, no guests. My FIL told us what he wanted on his passing and he wanted a private ceremony, no guests and only the three children with the exception of two friends. Okay, we though that would be honored by all. Apparently not as folks just showed up. My FIL strongly stated "No Celebration of Life" after the burial. Okay. Folks wanted one and asked about it after the burial. We were made to feel irresponsible for not having one.
What am I not understanding about this?
@Puzzle Piece

Since this happened months ago, and you are just now on the forum about this, it must be really bothering you. I am sorry for your loss. I have read many obituaries announcing deaths stating that a private burial has already taken place, and any memorial gifts can be sent to stated charity. Perhaps this is the way to go should anyone else in your family want a private ceremony.

Re: Private Ceremony

Tinkrbl44 — Wed, 10 Aug 2016 17:13:54 GMT

@terriebear wrote:
@Puzzle Piece wrote:
My Father In Law passed away last May. We had the papers announce his passing and the obituary read PRIVATE CEREMONY. We let the neighbors know that it was an intimate burial, no guests. My FIL told us what he wanted on his passing and he wanted a private ceremony, no guests and only the three children with the exception of two friends. Okay, we though that would be honored by all. Apparently not as folks just showed up. My FIL strongly stated "No Celebration of Life" after the burial. Okay. Folks wanted one and asked about it after the burial. We were made to feel irresponsible for not having one.
What am I not understanding about this?
@Puzzle Piece
Since this happened months ago, and you are just now on the forum abouts this, it must be really bothering you. I am sorry for your loss. I have read many obituaries announcing deaths stating that a private burial has already taken place, and any memorial gifts can be sent to stated charity. Perhaps this is the way to go should anyone else in your family want a private ceremony.

@terriebear

That's the only way to go. As I stated in Post # 7, HOW did they even know where to show up to ... and when?

If you publish the location and then get mad because the uninvited came, it's just asking for an annoying situation.

ITA ..... publish the announcement after the fact.

Re: Private Ceremony

jubilant — Wed, 10 Aug 2016 17:17:17 GMT

I see nothing wrong with putting in the obituary for all to see, At, ...........'s request, there will be no calling or funeral service.

Personally, this is the way DH and I plan to do it.

Re: Private Ceremony

KingstonsMom — Wed, 10 Aug 2016 17:17:14 GMT

@ChynnaBlue wrote:
Funerals and celebrations of life are for the living, not the dead. They are rituals to help the living cope with a loss. That's what you father in law failed to understand when he decided to set the terms. Maybe he did not want to be a burden, I don't know.

Either way, I would let people know that your FIL asked for no ceremony to be held, but encourage them to hold their own because it's an important part of the grieving process. If he had a favorite place, I would tell them to go there and hold a memorial of their own, but you are honoring his wishes.

There are many reasons someone would choose not to have any kind of funeral service.

In our case, our only daughter suffers from depression and she will be so devastated by our deaths, that I would never subject her to that type of grief, she couldn't take it emotionally.

Regardless of the reasons some may choose no service, I think it's the person's 'last wish' and should be honored, respected and carried out, regardless of what anyone else thinks.

'Those people' will have a say when it's their funeral.

Re: Private Ceremony

sunshine45 — Wed, 10 Aug 2016 17:20:37 GMT

@Puzzle Piece

so very sorry for your loss and so sorry you had to go through that with others.

it is too late now, but the obituary probably should have been placed in the paper AFTER the final burial and private services were held.

Re: Private Ceremony

CelticCrafter — Wed, 10 Aug 2016 17:28:41 GMT

@Tinkrbl44 wrote:
@terriebear wrote:
@Puzzle Piece wrote:
My Father In Law passed away last May. We had the papers announce his passing and the obituary read PRIVATE CEREMONY. We let the neighbors know that it was an intimate burial, no guests. My FIL told us what he wanted on his passing and he wanted a private ceremony, no guests and only the three children with the exception of two friends. Okay, we though that would be honored by all. Apparently not as folks just showed up. My FIL strongly stated "No Celebration of Life" after the burial. Okay. Folks wanted one and asked about it after the burial. We were made to feel irresponsible for not having one.
What am I not understanding about this?
@Puzzle Piece
Since this happened months ago, and you are just now on the forum abouts this, it must be really bothering you. I am sorry for your loss. I have read many obituaries announcing deaths stating that a private burial has already taken place, and any memorial gifts can be sent to stated charity. Perhaps this is the way to go should anyone else in your family want a private ceremony.
@terriebear

That's the only way to go. As I stated in Post # 7, HOW did they even know where to show up to ... and when?

If you publish the location and then get mad because the uninvited came, it's just asking for an annoying situation.

ITA ..... publish the announcement after the fact.

When my siblings passed, it was their wish that the viewing and service be immediate family only. The notices in the paper said services and commital would be private and no information about the funeral home was included.

Extended family members weren't told until after and were annoyed that we followed their wishes.

They both felt that if they weren't there in life, they didn't want them there crying crocodile tears after they were gone...

Re: Private Ceremony

KingstonsMom — Wed, 10 Aug 2016 17:53:56 GMT

@CelticCrafter wrote:
@Tinkrbl44 wrote:
@terriebear wrote:
@Puzzle Piece wrote:
My Father In Law passed away last May. We had the papers announce his passing and the obituary read PRIVATE CEREMONY. We let the neighbors know that it was an intimate burial, no guests. My FIL told us what he wanted on his passing and he wanted a private ceremony, no guests and only the three children with the exception of two friends. Okay, we though that would be honored by all. Apparently not as folks just showed up. My FIL strongly stated "No Celebration of Life" after the burial. Okay. Folks wanted one and asked about it after the burial. We were made to feel irresponsible for not having one.
What am I not understanding about this?
@Puzzle Piece
Since this happened months ago, and you are just now on the forum abouts this, it must be really bothering you. I am sorry for your loss. I have read many obituaries announcing deaths stating that a private burial has already taken place, and any memorial gifts can be sent to stated charity. Perhaps this is the way to go should anyone else in your family want a private ceremony.
@terriebear

That's the only way to go. As I stated in Post # 7, HOW did they even know where to show up to ... and when?

If you publish the location and then get mad because the uninvited came, it's just asking for an annoying situation.

ITA ..... publish the announcement after the fact.
When my siblings passed, it was their wish that the viewing and service be immediate family only. The notices in the paper said services and commital would be private and no information about the funeral home was included.

Extended family members weren't told until after and were annoyed that we followed their wishes.

They both felt that if they weren't there in life, they didn't want them there crying crocodile tears after they were gone...

@CelticCrafter

My sentiments exactly!

Re: Private Ceremony

DrKelli — Wed, 10 Aug 2016 18:13:56 GMT

@Puzzle Piece, I am very sorry for your loss.

Death sometimes brings out the worst in people. My dad, who died 5 years ago, did not want any kind of funeral. Fine with me. However, when I submitted my bereavement request, the HR lady asked when the funeral was and I replied, there isn't one and she asked me why I needed funeral leave then.

In his obituary, I wrote that there would be no funeral services per his request, but that if anyone took a notion--they could buy a round of drinks at whatever bar they were in or after a round of golf and drink to his memory. He actually wanted us to rent a McDonald's and buy a keg.

We did get questions about it, but I would just reply, he didn't want to put us through that. My mom is the same way.

Re: Private Ceremony

Sooner — Wed, 10 Aug 2016 18:17:23 GMT

@Puzzle Piece wrote:
My Father In Law passed away last May. We had the papers announce his passing and the obituary read PRIVATE CEREMONY. We let the neighbors know that it was an intimate burial, no guests. My FIL told us what he wanted on his passing and he wanted a private ceremony, no guests and only the three children with the exception of two friends. Okay, we though that would be honored by all. Apparently not as folks just showed up. My FIL strongly stated "No Celebration of Life" after the burial. Okay. Folks wanted one and asked about it after the burial. We were made to feel irresponsible for not having one.
What am I not understanding about this?

You are not understanding that isn't their business! You are not understanding that you should say "It was according to my FIL's wishes" and let it go at that. To heck with 'em!

Bless your heart! You shouldn't have to put up with people like this.