topic Re: Closed Adoption Question in Community Chat

Closed Adoption Question

TeezNu — Sat, 30 Jul 2016 01:23:52 GMT

I am thinking about helping someone locate a child she gave up for adoption almost 30 years ago. I have the name/location of the Home where the young girl was sent to have the baby, and its birthdate. I know it was a CLOSED adoption.

I want my knowledge and assistance to this person to remain anonymous, so I am thinking I should hire an attorney to make all contacts with her.

I know that lots has changed about adoptions over the last 30 years, so I'm wondering if it is now possible to legally find and connect the mother and child of a CLOSED adoption.

Does anyone here have any knowledge or experience with a matter like this, that could give me some encouragement? Thanks for your input!

Re: Closed Adoption Question

SahmIam — Sat, 30 Jul 2016 01:29:26 GMT

I don't but I will tell you this: we looked outside the US for exactly this reason- we did NOT want a knock on the door at any point in our life of someone looking for their daughter because they "had a need to know". For reasons I won't go into, it's not the Hallmark moment many think it will be. The pain, the stress, the psychological issues that can all be brought up can be massive and honestly, it's not fair to everyone because one person "needs to know".

There's a reason closed adoptions are closed and I think they should stay that way. Beyond that, check into the laws- in some states, you can get into serious legal trouble for giving out ANY info regarding a closed adoption. Because of this, the path may be very difficult for your friend. Peace.

Re: Closed Adoption Question

TeezNu — Sat, 30 Jul 2016 01:41:29 GMT

@SahmIam Wow - You really gave me something to think about!! In my sincere desire to help a very deserving lady, I did not think about the other side(s) of this, and there really are two more sides - the grown child and the adoptive parents. I do know that the birth mother has made some attempts herself to locate the child, but to no avail. Perhaps those attempts failed because her child doesn't even know it was adopted, or perhaps the child does not want to find its birth mother.

Perhaps I just need to stay out of it. Thank you.

Re: Closed Adoption Question

Sister Golden Hair — Sat, 30 Jul 2016 01:43:08 GMT

@SahmIam wrote:
I don't but I will tell you this: we looked outside the US for exactly this reason- we did NOT want a knock on the door at any point in our life of someone looking for their daughter because they "had a need to know". For reasons I won't go into, it's not the Hallmark moment many think it will be. The pain, the stress, the psychological issues that can all be brought up can be massive and honestly, it's not fair to everyone because one person "needs to know".

There's a reason closed adoptions are closed and I think they should stay that way. Beyond that, check into the laws- in some states, you can get into serious legal trouble for giving out ANY info regarding a closed adoption. Because of this, the path may be very difficult for your friend. Peace.

@SahmIam That is why I have never tried to find my birth Mother. I would not want to hurt anyone or cause problems in her life now.

And it is true that there are different laws in all states. I know Missouri is trying to pass a law so you can look at your birth records.

Re: Closed Adoption Question

ALRATIBA — Sat, 30 Jul 2016 01:47:13 GMT

There's a TLC show called "Long Lost Family." If you Google ...you can find a website that has info on how to apply to get on the how.

From the webite:

The TLC series Long Lost Family helps people search for lost family members. The company that produces the show, Shed Media, is looking for “a variety of families to help reconnect.” Those include parents hoping to reunite with children they were unable to raise (adoption, custody disputes, family rifts) and adult children looking for their birth parents and siblings.

Re: Closed Adoption Question

SahmIam — Sat, 30 Jul 2016 01:48:02 GMT

@TeezNu Please believe me when I say I responded as someone who has seen it from all sides and I understand that pain the mother who gave up her child feels.... she needs closure but will truly never have it. Woman who make this choice are selfless and I have the utmost respect for them. It is only fair, however, to make it known that so many lives WILL be changed forever with that one knock.

I do not believe that one's person need should trump the lives of at LEAST 3 but often far, far more. You are good person for wanting to help this woman. However, perhaps staying silent would be the greater gift to give. Hugs.

Re: Closed Adoption Question

DoneTryin — Sat, 30 Jul 2016 01:51:52 GMT

I gave up a daughter in 1967, when I was 19. The laws in my state, CO, changed in 2014 & my daughter was able to request & obtain her birth records which included her birth parents names. Of course, she contacted me first. Don't ask about the man who fathered her; that's another story.

I can't begin to tell you what an emotional rollercoaster it's been for me. On the one hand, I'm so happy to have her in my life now. On the other hand, it has been very hard dealing with all the guilt & anger that I held in my heart for all those years. We are trying to work through all of that. Both of my parents died years ago, but my siblings & their spouses & children, have welcomed my daughter with open hearts for which I am very grateful.

I have no advice to give because every person& every situation is different. My daughter has an older brother who was also adopted & he has no interest in finding or knowing his birth mom &/or dad.

I hope all works out well in your situation.

Re: Closed Adoption Question

Deanie — Sat, 30 Jul 2016 01:52:40 GMT

@SahmIam you were smart to go outside the US. I have never heard of anything good coming of the knock on the door or phone call. The reason that the people in positions of power wanted these adoptions to be opened after promising anonymity to these very same people was because of medical issues. Or so they said. The tired old mantra used is the following, "Its for the children" Well, with the advent of medical tests, DNA and biological evaluations, there is no reason to disrupt. You never hear of men's families being disturbed. It is most unfortunate that woman who had to bear the burden of an unplanned pregnancy have to deal with this 20, 30 years after the fact. Sad. Some things should be taken to the grave.

Re: Closed Adoption Question

TeezNu — Sat, 30 Jul 2016 01:55:50 GMT

@SahmIam I totally heard the spirit with which you shared your thoughts and experience, and am so grateful. I am NOT willing to gamble on a matter like this - the risks far outweigh the rewards!

Re: Closed Adoption Question

chrystaltree — Sat, 30 Jul 2016 02:02:44 GMT

What makes you think the adoptee wants to be found ????

Re: Closed Adoption Question

TeezNu — Sat, 30 Jul 2016 02:06:26 GMT

@chrystaltree I don't know anything about the adoptee - I was only thinking about the birth mother. After reading these posts, I have absolutely decided to drop any further thoughts of facilitating.

Re: Closed Adoption Question

jaxs mom — Sat, 30 Jul 2016 02:06:48 GMT

@SahmIam wrote:
@TeezNu Please believe me when I say I responded as someone who has seen it from all sides and I understand that pain the mother who gave up her child feels.... she needs closure but will truly never have it. Woman who make this choice are selfless and I have the utmost respect for them. It is only fair, however, to make it known that so many lives WILL be changed forever with that one knock.

I do not believe that one's person need should trump the lives of at LEAST 3 but often far, far more. You are good person for wanting to help this woman. However, perhaps staying silent would be the greater gift to give. Hugs.

My mom is reunited with my sibling that she put up for adoption and it's only been a positive experience for everyone involved.

Re: Closed Adoption Question

eddyandme — Sat, 30 Jul 2016 02:21:02 GMT

@TeezNu

What I know on this matter is that the child is the only one who has access to the birth file. Once a copy of the birth certificate is provided, the child has access to any info contained relative to the birth mother. If the birth father is listed in the file, he has to give permission for any info to be given out about him; if deceased, then the birth father's children must give permission for the child to access the information: without permission from the father's children, all information regarding the birth father would be redacted.

However, most often, the birth father's name is not given; therefore, there would be no information on him re nationality, family illnesses et al. When the name is given they would record all pertinent information available.

And, should the child be interested, they would contact the birth parents to see if they wanted to meet. But again, that's up to the immediate parties involved.

So, unless laws are totally different in your locale, I would assume you, being a totally disinterested party would not be granted access to any information on a closed adoption.

In any case, perhaps a private investigator could track this child down. I don't know the legalities in effect. I know there was a program on that celebs tracked down family members. You may want to watch that and see how it works.

Re: Closed Adoption Question

chrystaltree — Sat, 30 Jul 2016 02:21:07 GMT

@jaxs mom wrote:
@SahmIam wrote:
@TeezNu Please believe me when I say I responded as someone who has seen it from all sides and I understand that pain the mother who gave up her child feels.... she needs closure but will truly never have it. Woman who make this choice are selfless and I have the utmost respect for them. It is only fair, however, to make it known that so many lives WILL be changed forever with that one knock.

I do not believe that one's person need should trump the lives of at LEAST 3 but often far, far more. You are good person for wanting to help this woman. However, perhaps staying silent would be the greater gift to give. Hugs.
My mom is reunited with my sibling that she put up for adoption and it's only been a positive experience for everyone involved.

And my friend's life was torn to shreds when the daughter she gave up for adoption decided to insert herself into her life....against my friend's wishes. My friend now wishes that she had terminated the pregnancy but she thought she was doing the right thing by giving the child to a loving family...who deperately wanted her. It blew up in her face when a now senile pastor gave the girl information to help her find her "real mother". All he succeeded in doing is hurting and devasting both women. My friend had made peace with a horrible situation but now that's over. Restraining orders, lawyers, looking over her shoulder. Closed adoptions are usually closed for a reason.

Re: Closed Adoption Question

GCR18 — Sat, 30 Jul 2016 02:27:40 GMT

I would support my friend, as in a shoulder to lean on. I wouldn't get involved in tracking down the child.

Re: Closed Adoption Question

Beth-QVC — Sat, 30 Jul 2016 02:33:32 GMT

This post has been removed by QVC because it is inappropriate

Re: Closed Adoption Question

DoneTryin — Sat, 30 Jul 2016 02:46:25 GMT

@TeezNu. Tell your friend to do some online research for subjects like "adoptees in search" "birth parents in search" etc. They have search engines using birth dates, birth locations, etc. In some cases, a child could have something posted indicating they'd like to find birth parent, & vice versa. Perhaps you could help her this way.

What I did not say in my previous post is that I thought I'd found my daughter that way, a few years before she found me. I was pretty sure I was the person she was looking for, based on something specific about me that she wrote in her posting. Can't go into detail because it's too revealing. So I knew she'd been looking for me. I tried contacting her using the email on her posting but by then she was no longer using it. Since I then had her name, I did an internet search & thought I'd found her but there was only a business address & phone. I wasn't about to just call someone at work one day & blurt out, "I think I'm your mom." Didn't want to send her a letter, either, because some organizations have admin employees open all incoming mail & I didn't want some stranger seeing it. Since I was already terrified that she might hate me for giving her up, I just sat on it without taking any action, yet always wondering. I told her all about it.

Re: Closed Adoption Question

JaneMarple — Sat, 30 Jul 2016 02:52:09 GMT

My ex-husband was adopted and about twenty years ago he contacted our home state he looked up the adoption agency who had placed him. They acted as the middle man and contacted his birth mother's family to see if they were interested in meeting him. They were but not before he found out that his birth mother had passed away by the time he was five and that his birth father's name on his birth certificate wasn't real.

He found out lots if great information and that his baby pictures were in the family album but no one spoke of who the baby was. His birth parents weren't married which was still taboo in the late fifties and he was also a mixed race child that made the situation worse. His mother was divorced and afraid of losing her daughter if she had kept him because she came from a very small town in western Massachusetts where things like being an unwed mothers didn't happen.

My kids and his sister's daughter keep in contact but he and his sister don't get along.

Re: Closed Adoption Question

Beth-QVC — Sat, 30 Jul 2016 03:32:29 GMT

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