topic Re: Seeking Advice re Co-worker in Community Chat

Seeking Advice re Co-worker

rickiraccoon — Wed, 20 Jul 2016 17:40:42 GMT

I'm at loss with how to deal with this lady I know at work. She's about my age (59), single, her 2 kids are grown and I think she's lonely and looking for friends. Her social life seems to be church and work. I've gone to dinner (casual) with her a couple times after work and l usually end up regretting it. I don't know any other way to describe it other than to say I just think she's weird (and at times rude). I know she's unhappy because she's always complaining. Even when we're eating, she's complaining (she says she's just "picky"). My problem is, she keeps inviting me to do things (outside of work) that I don't want to do. I feel I'm constantly making excuses and saying no thanks. I've tried explaining to her that I think we just have different interest, but then she'll hear me describe something I've done over the weekend and the next thing I know she asking when we can do that. Occasionally, if it's brief and quick, I'll give in just to keep the peace for a while. I do have to work with her and she's a good worker so there's no problems there. This is starting to bug me so I'm asking for advice....how do you handle somebody that wants to be friends, but on a deeper level you know better?

Thanks you guys, I appreciate your opinions!

Re: Seeking Advice re Co-worker

Kachina624 — Wed, 20 Jul 2016 17:51:08 GMT

Seems like you've told her tactfully that you have different interests which should have been a big clue to her that you didn't want a social relationship with her. When you give in and do see her socially, you undo your resolve not to see her and rekindle her hope that you'll be her friend.

You need to keep making excuses and saying no, and don't even once give in when she asks you to do something. Eventually she'll move on and irritate someone else.

Re: Seeking Advice re Co-worker

151949 — Wed, 20 Jul 2016 17:54:07 GMT

As you said you do have to work with her - so can't you occasionally go out with her - just as a Christian thing to do with a lonely person? Then through the evening mention a few times how busy you have been for whatever reason, which gives you an excuse when she asks you and you don't want to go. Either that or -- i have a niece who does not get migraines but when she doesn't want to go anywhere or do anything she says she has a migraine, and needs to lie down somewhere quiet for the evening.

Re: Seeking Advice re Co-worker

bri20 — Wed, 20 Jul 2016 17:57:00 GMT

Just say no. Don't make up lies or excuses - just say no. Eventually she will stop asking. You don't have to be rude or abrupt, but say it in a nice way

Why torture yourself?

Re: Seeking Advice re Co-worker

ChynnaBlue — Wed, 20 Jul 2016 17:58:23 GMT

I think just continue saying no. If she expresses interest in something you did last weekend and wants to do it also, tell her you don't know when you might be doing that again and give her the information she needs to do whatever it was on her own.

A friend at work told me that she thought I always found interesting things to do and wanted to know more. Thankfully, she didn't ask me outright to go with me to whatever thing I was doing next, but I did tell her that I would share the information about plays, festivals, events, and lectures I think are interesting and I do.

I go to the Texas Book Festival every year and I always go alone so that I can see the panels I want to see, change my schedule on the fly, and don't need to check with or get buy-in from anyone else. My friends know this. And while I never invite anyone to come along with me, I ALSO post all the links and information about the festival and which panels I'm interested in for my friends to find online. They're all welcome to go, just not with me. While I'm there, I tweet and post about which panels I'm in and share pictures. Any of my friends can find me and meet up with me, and some have done exactly that. And then after we met up for lunch or a hello and afterward I took off alone again. Best of both worlds.

Re: Seeking Advice re Co-worker

AKgirl2 — Wed, 20 Jul 2016 17:59:47 GMT

@rickiraccoon wrote:
I'm at loss with how to deal with this lady I know at work. She's about my age (59), single, her 2 kids are grown and I think she's lonely and looking for friends. Her social life seems to be church and work. I've gone to dinner (casual) with her a couple times after work and l usually end up regretting it. I don't know any other way to describe it other than to say I just think she's weird (and at times rude). I know she's unhappy because she's always complaining. Even when we're eating, she's complaining (she says she's just "picky"). My problem is, she keeps inviting me to do things (outside of work) that I don't want to do. I feel I'm constantly making excuses and saying no thanks. I've tried explaining to her that I think we just have different interest, but then she'll hear me describe something I've done over the weekend and the next thing I know she asking when we can do that. Occasionally, if it's brief and quick, I'll give in just to keep the peace for a while. I do have to work with her and she's a good worker so there's no problems there. This is starting to bug me so I'm asking for advice....how do you handle somebody that wants to be friends, but on a deeper level you know better?
Thanks you guys, I appreciate your opinions!

Some people are oblivious to the word "no" for whatever reason(s). Just sticks I your guns, engage as little as possible and hopefully, she'll stop...There's a woman I know who did the same thing, hounded me to to go and do things with her, and I knew we weren't going to be friends. I also told her we had different interests, but that didn't deter her at all. I just kept saying "no" as politely as I could, ignored her phone calls and one day, she finally stopped.

Re: Seeking Advice re Co-worker

MyShadowLove — Wed, 20 Jul 2016 18:38:27 GMT

This is a tough one...I've been in this type of situation before and it can be difficult, as we don't want to cause any hurt feelings...I had someone who always wanted to get together, but I just felt that we had nothing in common and I didn't really enjoy being with her....Eventually, it just ran its course...At first, I got together with her every now and then and, eventually, I started telling her that I wasn't able to...Then, finally, I just told her that I had a lot of personal things going on and didn't really feel up to it...She finally took the hint.

I didn't work with her though, so I can see where that would make it more difficult to handle.

Re: Seeking Advice re Co-worker

LTT1 — Wed, 20 Jul 2016 18:14:40 GMT

@rickiraccoon

Oh,ICK... I had someone like that many years ago and finally discussed the fact that I no longer wanted to be friends. It was painful for both parties.

You must work with this person, and she is being insistent and rude, probably because she is lonely. That is her feeling to own.

I rudely walk away from conversations that are being monopolized. People always knew that it was because I had a class full of students WAITING IN THE CLASSROOM! (Some people ARE oblivious)

I guess just keep explaining that you are busy ... (With personal issues) ... whatever. But stop feeling guilty about it. Be ready...

Re: Seeking Advice re Co-worker

drizzellla — Wed, 20 Jul 2016 18:33:40 GMT

I know what you are going through. I am living it now. My coworker is one lonely lady. But she is one miserable lady too, And I only reason I am nice and personable with her is because we sit next to each other and have to work together. I bite my tongue and am pleasant to her. As she tells me how she could never live in my neighborhood - she was in the area once and was afraid for her life. How everything I do is wrong and she will spends hours to try and prove to everyone that whatever i did in work was wrong - it wasn't. But she goes to great lengths to try and make herself look better than me.

I don't care - I am happy - I have wonderful friends and except for her I am pleased with what I do. I figure she can be as miserable as she wants - I am not going to be. She always is bringing up going to lunch together, going out after work or doing things together. I just say "no". and change the subject. After 10 years she still doesn't get it. But I am not going to spend one minute with her longer than I have to. I figure I go above and beyond to keep the peace at work and I am not putting any more effort to please her.

Re: Seeking Advice re Co-worker

jlkz — Wed, 20 Jul 2016 18:35:06 GMT

@rickiraccoon

Since you work with this person, there is an added level of complexity.

First, get to the point where you stop giving excuses because it obviously isn't working with her. Save time and energy by consistently sticking to your desire: just say NO without explanation. When you deviate, you invite continuing pressure by her.

Second, develop a policy where you don't socialize outside with others in the workgroup. No further excuses needed.

Third, if you are so inclined, create a list of things she can join where she might find some interest, enjoyment, and new contacts. Don't accompany her to them: you will become a crutch.

Fourth, your time outside work is just as valuable as her time. Don't squander it doing something you know will bring negativity and stress.

HTH

Re: Seeking Advice re Co-worker

SydneyH — Wed, 20 Jul 2016 18:38:08 GMT

Save your sanity and peace by telling her exactly what you have told us. Are you afraid of this woman for some reason?

Re: Seeking Advice re Co-worker

Moonchilde — Wed, 20 Jul 2016 18:40:28 GMT

@rickiraccoon, I had an identical situation at work. There was a woman in our office (I recently retired) who clearly had no social life and badly wanted one, but who has many issues, personality and mental health-wise. She wasn't mean or spiteful but she was rather like Dory in Finding Dory, and manipulative as well. She didn't have a car in a place where literally *everyone* has cars and electing to not have one says something. She was constantly trying to get not only social activity but mooching rides.

I picked her up and took her to a fun art gallery opening that we both wanted to go to and it was manipulation from start to finish. I said I was having breakfast before I picked her up and that we would have lunch after. We get to the neighborhood of the gallery and she insists she's starving, hasn't eaten, must eat. Only restaurant (dive-y) on the block and she eats but talks about how uncomfortable she feels throughout. After the gallery I head for the nearby restaurant *we had both agreed upon* previously. Oh, no, she doesn't like the neighborhood, wants me to drive us back to my neighborhood to a restaurant I chose - where she was fairly unenthusiastic as well. THEN I had to drive her home.

I also took her to a museum she had been dying to get to but it was difficult without a car. There was manipulation going on there similarly - what we should do, when we should do it. IMO, when someone is doing you a favor, you don't behave as if you can call all the shots.

After that, every time I mentioned going somewhere or doing something on the weekend at the office, she tried to invite herself. I just let it lie, never said a word. Even if I said nothing about any plans, she'd be "wanna go do something?" I'd basically say no, I don't wanna - but she never stopped trying.

She moved, and as it turned out, very close to me. I was terrified she'd end up on my doorstep unannounced and uninvited.

She would visit her relatives in other states, hoping to be invited to move in with them; she wasn't. Her mental status had deteriorated to the point where she couldn't remember anything (and how was she still employed, you might well ask, but that's another story), and she needed people's help, but she was so manipulative and whiny people didn't want to help her, even her own family.

Yes, there were times all of us felt sorry for her, but it was generally overridden by her manipulative passive-aggressiveness. So honestly, I had no problem just saying no, or ignoring her.

Re: Seeking Advice re Co-worker

SaRina — Wed, 20 Jul 2016 18:49:15 GMT

Stop sharing details of your life with her -- what you do on your off time, what you enjoy. Limit your conversations to neutral topics and let her do all the talking by asking her questions if you must.

If she asks to get together, simply say you have important family obligations and just don't have the time.

Re: Seeking Advice re Co-worker

beckyb1012 — Wed, 20 Jul 2016 19:15:49 GMT

I feel smothered just reading your post OP and I feel your pain. You do not want to jeopardize the work relationship so you cannot just say no and walk away forever.

Just keep all comments about work only. Even if she asks did you have a good weekend and what did you do. Short generic answers then straight onto business talk. At some point she will catch on with your saying no to outings and the interactions you two have at work.

Good Luck.

Re: Seeking Advice re Co-worker

newagain888888 — Wed, 20 Jul 2016 19:39:48 GMT

My own experience has been that setting firm boundaries works better for everyone involved. Men are naturally better at this. As women, we are raised to go the extra mile to try to please others and never hurt feelings. However, when boundaries are set, clearly and firmly, everyone knows what to expect. Pressure is reduced and anxiety is alleviated. You won't feel so pecked to death, dreading every encounter and invitation. She won't feel completely rejected, trying again and again to force a friendship with you. Only you can know what you are willing and are able to do comfortably. Have coffee. Sit her down and (with kindness) let her know.

I like to focus on the positive by offering what I CAN do for someone. It may be the smallest little thing but if offered sincerely, it has value. If you are able to be with her outside of work for brief amounts of time, you could offer to do something she might enjoy, say once a month. Better yet, perhaps there's a common activity you could both find fun. It could be a movie, musical performance, gallery visit, craft fair, or even lunch out. (Don't do anything that would make you unhappy since that will only lead to a feeling of growing resentment on your part.) While it's not your responsibility to meet her emotional needs, sometimes we never know how much of a difference we can make by the smallest gesture of reaching out to befriend or support a person. As you mentioned, she is a good worker, only lonely and needing a friend. You might engage her in an activity where she could meet other people with more similar interests and needs. If outside activities are completely out of the question for you, tell her so then be on the lookout for other opportunities to make her feel noticed, valued, and appreciated at work. You are kind to not want to hurt her feelings in spite of the worry this has put on you. Good luck.

Re: Seeking Advice re Co-worker

dex — Wed, 20 Jul 2016 20:33:13 GMT

I think it was nice of you to spend some time with her but you are not responsible for her happiness.I would tell her that you don't socialize outside of work but you would enjoy her company at coffee break a couple of days a week.

Re: Seeking Advice re Co-worker

hckynut — Wed, 20 Jul 2016 21:33:22 GMT

How? The same way I do every thing in my life. I speak up and use words that are understood. Nobody can be in charge of someone else's happiness, only they can do it.

hckynut(john)

Re: Seeking Advice re Co-worker

BalletBabe — Wed, 20 Jul 2016 21:53:30 GMT

Some people will not take a hint, or hear the word NO! I am in similiar situation with a neighbor, that sat with me while my husband was dying. I had her for lunch and bought her a thank you gift, now she wants to hang out. I have nothing in common with her and do not enjoy the things she likes to do. It is hard when you don't want to hurt feelings, but in my case, I realize that if I hang out with her , I am going to be miserable.

I had another neighbor that was here everyday after my hubby passed ( a male) That had to stop also. He did not understand NO or that if I didn't answer my door , I didn't want to be bothered.

Some people are just dense. Good Luck ! You sound like me, don't want to hur feelings.

Re: Seeking Advice re Co-worker

ROMARY — Wed, 20 Jul 2016 22:25:34 GMT

Being she is a co-worker, I think that (if I had the time), I'd hint to her that I have only one day a week (or every two weeks, or whatever) to meet with her for a brief lunch or dinner or brief event. That way, I'm thinking, my co-worker would have something to look forward (to), which would be something nice to do for someone. Maybe even just one weekly movie, so I would know the exact time-frame. Just a thought.

Re: Seeking Advice re Co-worker

riley1 — Wed, 20 Jul 2016 22:25:57 GMT

Unfortunately, some people don't get the hint, or just ignore the hint. You could make excuses or perhaps if you are not friendly outside of work with anyone else, tell her you prefer to not have social obligations with people you work with. If she asks why, tell her "it's complicated".