topic Re: Born that way? in Community Chat

Born that way?

Moonchilde — Sat, 06 Feb 2016 23:25:18 GMT

Recent threads have got me to mulling this. No real right or wrong "answer", but I'm curious about peoples experiences - family, relatives, friends, etc.

Although there is no complete concensus among them scientists and psychologists tend to agree that we are born with our basic personality. The disagreement is betweem total or partial, nature or nurture, amount of adaptability, how we are raised, our experiences, etc. and how much effect (or not) all of this has on our birth personality.

I tend to believe, like I'm guessing most people would (?) that we are a combination of our DNA and the experiences of our upbringing, good or bad, that can affect the basic personality for good or ill.

But I find it a bit spooky when I experience two people raised in the same way by at least one of the same people, and their personalities are totally, utterly different in every way - and then it is passed on to one or more of *their* children, i.e. one sibling will behave exactly as a parent and the others will or won't in varying degrees.

What really fascinates me is what determines who we take after, mom or dad, and whether some traits are genetically stronger or overriding than others.

My mother was somewhat like her mother, but not much. I think she was more like her father. My sister was the polar opposite of me and my mother. I am somewhat, but not totally, like my mother and nothing like my father. Of my sister's five children, one of them is a carbon copy of her, personality-wise, the others not. A grand niece has two children and they are both very much like their (different) fathers but also like her as their nurturing parent.

It's all opinion, but I find it very interesting.

ETA that I am speaking of personality, not gender or romantic preferences as those are biological, not mental.

Re: Born that way?

Annabellethecat66 — Sat, 06 Feb 2016 23:40:11 GMT

Look! I stopped accepting acolades and blame for my 3 daughters a long time ago.

I raised them the same. In some ways they are similar, but as much as they are alike, they are different. They are wonderful, sweet girls, but very, very different personalities.

One of the most difficult things a mother especially and especially a mother of daughters can do is navigate life with more than one daughter. Why? You may ask?

Well, as soon as you think you've figured out the best way to communicate with one daughter, she'll change personalities and while you're trying to figure out the right thing to say to her, her sister has gone bonkers.

So, basically, I do the best I can. I listen to them complain about their husbands (just basic things), never contribute, then I say goodnight. Ha!

I have a good, really good relationship with my 3 daughters but only because I've always let them see my 'warts' (meaning I'm not perfect and said and showed it). When they screwed up, I waited to talk about it. More than anything I tried to lead by example.

That's the good thing about life. GOD made us all different. Here's my saying, "I don't have a favorite kid. Each kid thinks the other is my favorite." Maybe that sounds opposite, but it works for us because they keep trying. Ha!

Re: Born that way?

Allegheny — Sat, 06 Feb 2016 23:43:57 GMT

Interesting topic.

There are three of us raised by the same parents.

I have personality traits mostly the same as my mother, and others characteristics similar to my father. Where as my brother has just the opposite of me, his personality leans more towards that of my father, but has many distinct aspects identical to my mother.

Now my sister, I have no idea who she is. I see very little of either my mother or father in her personality.

Re: Born that way?

Moonchilde — Sat, 06 Feb 2016 23:50:47 GMT

@Annabellethecat66, it took ages before I could have a discussion with my mother as an adult. For a long time she never treated me as one or considered me as one. She always felt she had to tell me what to do (her parenting style) and that she needed to solve all of my problems because I couldn't or wouldn't.

Finally one day I said for heaven's sake, I don't want you to SOLVE everything I discuss with you - haven't you heard of venting? And then she was okay after that. She really, honestly believed it was her lifelong chore to manage and fix anything I told her about.

Re: Born that way?

Moonchilde — Sat, 06 Feb 2016 23:54:06 GMT

@Allegheny wrote:
Interesting topic.

There are three of us raised by the same parents.

I have personality traits mostly the same as my mother, and others characteristics similar to my father. Where as my brother has just the opposite of me, his personality leans more towards that of my father, but has many distinct aspects identical to my mother.

Now my sister, I have no idea who she is. I see very little of either my mother or father in her personality.

@Allegheny, I wonder - what determines who we take after? Our gender? The "strength" of the trait? And as you say, there are those who seem like neither parent. And there are those who are a perfect mix of both. Wonder what decides all this, from a scientific POV.

Re: Born that way?

Annabellethecat66 — Sat, 06 Feb 2016 23:54:50 GMT

Well, there are mostly advantages to being the person your daughter turns to (before she gets married). However, there are also disadvantages. Sometimes I had to have an attitude adjustment (courtesy of a daughter who was fond of saying, "It's not about you, Mom, it's about me".)

My girls know (and believe me they have) they can come to me with anything in their life and I will never judge them. They have my total support and commitment to them. Unconditional love.

I never had it so I made sure my girls have and will always have it.

I used to tell my late husband "One day I'm going to sit you down and tell you all of the things I took care of that you never knew about". He'd laugh and say, "No, I don't need to know. I guess I figure if you needed me you'd have brought me in on it".

He was right!

Re: Born that way?

Preds — Sat, 06 Feb 2016 23:56:01 GMT

I think our DNA is the seed that we work with. Good or bad, we cultivate it, nurture it, feed it or weed it. I see both parents in me and I see both in my DD. Influence comes from everywhere and in every way. How it's absorbed is different for each of us.

Re: Born that way?

Annabellethecat66 — Sat, 06 Feb 2016 23:57:44 GMT

Well, I never lived with my mother (since I was 3 months old). Yet I have some of her personality traits.

I can see some of my Dad in me too. If a person is wise, in my opinion they will see what is good in their parents and feel like you got that from them.

The problem with today is that no one accepts responsibility for anything they do. Often it is just so much easier to say, "I did it".

Re: Born that way?

Moonchilde — Sat, 06 Feb 2016 23:59:29 GMT

@Annabellethecat66, my mom didn't judge me per se, she just felt I was clueless and that I needed solutions to everything I discussed. I just needed a sounding board, and maybe an opinion here and there. She got better, though ;-)

Re: Born that way?

blackhole99 — Sun, 07 Feb 2016 00:01:42 GMT

My parents had 4 kids all with different personalities, our parents had their own issues so we basically raised ourselves and were on our own. In spite of our lack of guidance we all turned out ok and are fairly successful. My son who has had every advantage and parents who guided him through everything in life somehow did not benefit from it. It seems nature has won out over nuture and he has inherited quite a few undesirable traits from his grandfathers. I'm not saying he's a bad guy, just that these inherited traits will not serve him well.

Re: Born that way?

Moonchilde — Sun, 07 Feb 2016 00:02:06 GMT

@Preds wrote:
I think our DNA is the seed that we work with. Good or bad, we cultivate it, nurture it, feed it or weed it. I see both parents in me and I see both in my DD. Influence comes from everywhere and in every way. How it's absorbed is different for each of us.

And interesting is who absorbs, and who doesn't, or why multiple siblings absorb the same things but manifest them quire differently.

Re: Born that way?

Annabellethecat66 — Sun, 07 Feb 2016 00:04:26 GMT

@Moonchilde There's an interesting book (written a long time ago) by Nancy Friday, it's called "My Mother Myself".

I always found it fascinating and learned from it.

Re: Born that way?

Moonchilde — Sun, 07 Feb 2016 00:05:41 GMT

Unconditional love - something I've never had. There were conditions on the "love" I got for most of my life. It may not be the stand-alone most important thing, but it's no good if you have the other stuff *without* it.

Re: Born that way?

Moonchilde — Sun, 07 Feb 2016 00:07:29 GMT

@Annabellethecat66 wrote:
@Moonchilde There's an interesting book (written a long time ago) by Nancy Friday, it's called "My Mother Myself".

I always found it fascinating and learned from it.

I read it when it first came out and remember doing a lot of head-nodding at the time ;-)

Re: Born that way?

catwhisperer — Sun, 07 Feb 2016 00:12:42 GMT

I inherited my good traits from my Dad and my bad traits from my Mother. I guess I could be considered a weirdo by many. I am a clean freak and extremely organized. I am low income, so cannot brag about how much money I have and how much I spend on "mani/pedi's", "personal trainers", "wine clubs", "hair color/styling", etc. I do my own nails, color my own hair, and go to a beauty college on senior day to get a discount on my monthly hair cut. I use coupons whenever I can. Like Popeye, I am what I am.

Re: Born that way?

milkbone — Sun, 07 Feb 2016 00:13:17 GMT

@Moonchilde

you said:

The disagreement is betweem total or partial, nature or nurture, amount of adaptability, how we are raised, our experiences, etc. and how much effect (or not) all of this has on our birth personality.

Short history me:

My dad was a drunk, deserted my Mom and sis amd me when I was FIVE, NEVER came back.

Mom, was a single mom, many times worked THREE jobs at once

Mom was the bravest and strongest person I know, she never quit :-)

She learned to survive, and so did I.

I got her GOOD qualities......and her "shortcomings" LOL

Stubborn is one of them !!! LOL

Before my Mom died, Sis and Mom had a fight. Mom never forgave Sis, something to do with money. :-(

There was no healing, no forgiveness...Mom and Sis were TWO peas in a pod. CLONES

Neither was ever going to admit she(they) was wrong.

Before Mom died, she sat me down, and told me her story as a young girl, it was courage on her part. She trusted me.

From that day on, I never saw her as a woman, I saw her as another young girl that was abused by her family...but she NEVER quit !

My life was shaped and formed by my "family"

BUT, I am an adult.....Do NOT play the victum :-)

When Mom died, no tears, no pain, ever...there was peace :-)

Re: Born that way?

Noel7 — Sun, 07 Feb 2016 00:15:13 GMT

@Moonchilde wrote:
Recent threads have got me to mulling this. No real right or wrong "answer", but I'm curious about peoples experiences - family, relatives, friends, etc.

Although there is no complete concensus among them scientists and psychologists tend to agree that we are born with our basic personality. The disagreement is betweem total or partial, nature or nurture, amount of adaptability, how we are raised, our experiences, etc. and how much effect (or not) all of this has on our birth personality.

I tend to believe, like I'm guessing most people would (?) that we are a combination of our DNA and the experiences of our upbringing, good or bad, that can affect the basic personality for good or ill.

But I find it a bit spooky when I experience two people raised in the same way by at least one of the same people, and their personalities are totally, utterly different in every way - and then it is passed on to one or more of *their* children, i.e. one sibling will behave exactly as a parent and the others will or won't in varying degrees.

What really fascinates me is what determines who we take after, mom or dad, and whether some traits are genetically stronger or overriding than others.

My mother was somewhat like her mother, but not much. I think she was more like her father. My sister was the polar opposite of me and my mother. I am somewhat, but not totally, like my mother and nothing like my father. Of my sister's five children, one of them is a carbon copy of her, personality-wise, the others not. A grand niece has two children and they are both very much like their (different) fathers but also like her as their nurturing parent.

It's all opinion, but I find it very interesting.

ETA that I am speaking of personality, not gender or romantic preferences as those are biological, not mental.

*************************************

I don't think most would say we are born with our complete personality, but we are born with genetic predispositions toward certain traits, such as shyness.

It's more of a nature/nurture combo.

Two people from the same family, raised the same way usually will be different, because they don't inherit the same DNA combos, different for every child except twins.

Even twins can be different because some genes are dormant unless triggered by an outside cause, like a virus,

Re: Born that way?

ECBG — Sun, 07 Feb 2016 00:15:40 GMT

When I was in college and in Psyc, we learned that we are born with twenty percent of our personality and eighty percent is learned. These findings are from Freud and Eric Erickson.

I think we have all seen an infant who is stubborn grow up to be a stubborn person. That is the 20 percent inborn personality. (Children born to alcoholics tend to be withdrawn and often their brains photograph differently).

Within respects of gender,assuming homelife is functional, most children will usually start to gravitate to the gender specific parent between five and seven. A little boy will be less of a "Moma's boy".

If home life is dysfunctional, children will move to the parent that is healthy in seeking nurturing.

All of these findings have come from studying large groups.

If the parent of one family becomes unavailable because of alcohol, drugs, whatever, the family can't be used in a study because their "normal" is not healthy and doesn't foster healthy growth, rather the childern try to take the role of adults.

Of course it goes on for volumes.

Re: Born that way?

scotnovel — Sun, 07 Feb 2016 00:18:25 GMT

I think it is both nature and nuture. It may seem that kids raised under what appear to be the same circumstance should be more similar because they get the same nuturing but that certainly isn't true in my family. There were 4 kids with significant years between each of us and our mother clearly favored one child and our father clearly favored a different child. Also because of the big age difference (over 15 years between the oldest and the youngest) our parent's circumstances and experiences were significantly different. They had more disposable income when the last two came along so less stress and also parenting theories changed a lot between 1945 and 1961 (first and last births). The two oldest were influenced/nutured more by grandparents who were aging by the time the last two came along. Because of what I personally experienced growing up in that household, I know that it may have looked like we all were a big happy family with all the same nuturing, that was not true at all. Consequently the four of us have completely different personalities, different levels of success in our adult lives and marriages/relationships, etc.

Re: Born that way?

Burnsite — Sun, 07 Feb 2016 00:23:52 GMT

Interesting issue. I am sure it is a mix of nature and nurture.

I just wanted to add, though, that my mother had six children and she said each and every one of us was the person we came to be from day one, minute one. She said none of us changed a particle. It was amazing to her, as she figured the temperaments of her children would at least be similar--but they weren't.

ETA: I have two handwritings--one looks like my Mother's, but once in a while my hand, esp. in my signature, looks exactly like my Dad's.