topic Re: Spouses that Give In in Community Chat

Spouses that Give In

JBKO — Mon, 01 Feb 2016 03:24:13 GMT

My sister is 26 and recently got married back in August. I have to say that she often lets her husband have his way. He doesn't even consult her a lot of the time. For instance, he decided where their honeymoon would be without really talking to her. She wanted a beach vacation and basically told her that they were going to X city. On top of that, he picked a hotel by noisy construction to save money. She is graduating in May and wants to have a small party but he doesn't want to. I know many of you will say it is none of my business--I know that and I also know that we can all learn from this. What do you think? I've never really had a serious relationship but when I did, we always compromised.

Re: Spouses that Give In

Goldengate8361 — Mon, 01 Feb 2016 03:28:31 GMT

Nobody reading this can make a global statement about the quality of your sisters marriage. That's between the two of them. That said, we all know that people marry the wrong people all the time....I hope that's not the case with your sister.

Re: Spouses that Give In

Nancy Drew — Mon, 01 Feb 2016 03:30:08 GMT

My two cents: It might work for them. As for my husband and I we compromise. Sometimes I let him have his way and sometimes he let's me have my way and sometimes we both give in a little on the same situation. She may be really easy going and not care about a lot of things but if she wants a party he should want her to have it.

Re: Spouses that Give In

tedEbear — Mon, 01 Feb 2016 03:40:51 GMT

Give her a party!! Never mind asking him, just find a good date and start planning-------tedEbear

Re: Spouses that Give In

september — Mon, 01 Feb 2016 03:41:48 GMT

@Jackaranda wrote:
My two cents: It might work for them. As for my husband and I we compromise. Sometimes I let him have his way and sometimes he let's me have my way and sometimes we both give in a little on the same situation. She may be really easy going and not care about a lot of things but if she wants a party he should want her to have it.

Very well said. A person outside the relationship, might look at is as "giving in". I see it as compromising.

Perhaps a family member could throw a small party for the graduate?

Re: Spouses that Give In

sissel — Mon, 01 Feb 2016 04:08:55 GMT

It's a new marriage & guess he is trying to save money or whatever. It may take time for her to voice her opinion but if they have communication & respect then things will settle down. I have been married over 35yrs. I remember in the beginning my husband (his Mom did everything) we both worked & on weekends was washing & cleaning for the next week, he said can you make me a sandwich, between all the chores I said OK well the sandwich was 1 piece of ham & 1 piece of cheese. He looked at it & said this isn't a sandwich. I said I make it the way I like it, from then on he makes his own sandwiches LOL Oh she will figure it out. Actions are better than words.

Re: Spouses that Give In

Snowpuppy — Mon, 01 Feb 2016 04:41:20 GMT

@tedEbear wrote:
Give her a party!! Never mind asking him, just find a good date and start planning-------tedEbear

I so agree!

Even if you can only manage a lunch for the two of you or a girl's night with pizza and cheap wine!

Celebrate her success!

Re: Spouses that Give In

Desertdi — Mon, 01 Feb 2016 05:00:16 GMT

Ha! You gotta be clever, and let him "think" he got his own way........

Re: Spouses that Give In

Deb1010yetagain — Mon, 01 Feb 2016 06:08:06 GMT

Best advice to you is to stay out of it! Let them figure their way thru. Your sister is ultimately responsible for her happiness. Don't go instigating trouble by making an issue out of your early observations. You can be there when and if she comes to you for advice and support but otherwise occupy yourself elsewhere in your own life.

Re: Spouses that Give In

ECBG — Mon, 01 Feb 2016 06:16:09 GMT

It doesn't look too good, I agree, you just need to be there for her.

Re: Spouses that Give In

NYC Susan — Mon, 01 Feb 2016 07:41:38 GMT

Every marriage has a different dynamic. Some are more controlled by the wife, others by the husband. Even in marriages with a lot of obvious compromise, one usually tends to give in more than the other. As time goes by, couples learn by trial and error what works for them.

Lots of people (both men and women) don't mind giving in. They find it easier not to have to make decisions, and it's often a relief knowing that things will be taken care of without a lot of effort on their part. In some couples one partner takes care of the big things and the other makes smaller, day-to-day decisions. Some people choose to stand up for their right to an equal say re every tiny little thing, and others decide to choose their battles. Nearly all of them will tell you that their marriage is based on compromise because that's how it feels to them and because it's working for them. It's really impossible to judge from the outside what goes on in someone else's marriage and how happy or unhappy they are.

I've been engaged twice, and have had several serious relationships. The dynamic each time has been entirely different. It depends on the people involved, the communication style, and other factors.

Your sister is an adult and this is a new marriage. I'm not sure what you mean by, "we can all learn from this". What works for one person may not work for another. Let them find their own way and figure things out for themselves.

Re: Spouses that Give In

Sooner — Mon, 01 Feb 2016 07:42:42 GMT

@DiscountDiva wrote:
My sister is 26 and recently got married back in August. I have to say that she often lets her husband have his way. He doesn't even consult her a lot of the time. For instance, he decided where their honeymoon would be without really talking to her. She wanted a beach vacation and basically told her that they were going to X city. On top of that, he picked a hotel by noisy construction to save money. She is graduating in May and wants to have a small party but he doesn't want to. I know many of you will say it is none of my business--I know that and I also know that we can all learn from this. What do you think? I've never really had a serious relationship but when I did, we always compromised.

I agree completely. It is NONE of your business. STAY OUT OF IT, and don't do things like have a party against his wishes that will stir up anything. It isn't your business. Stay out of it.

If she ever asks for help that is one thing, but getting between them and causing trouble is a recipe for disaster--and simply not anyone else's business. When someone marries, the spouse comes first with that person. It is a choice she made, and is her choice. Whether you like it or not.

Re: Spouses that Give In

Pook — Mon, 01 Feb 2016 11:19:49 GMT

It may be that the husband is against it because of the money. Often one or even both don't think to the future about finances (which could have serious cnsequences if they have kids and want to buy a home) and being that she is just graduating money is probably tight. I would ask him if he thought she would like you to throw a small party without mentioning that you know he was against it and if he doesn't like the idea I would just drop it.

Re: Spouses that Give In

blackhole99 — Mon, 01 Feb 2016 11:45:03 GMT

I have a feeling your sister knew how this guy was before she married him, so I would stay out of it. I think it would be ok to host a party for her though.

Re: Spouses that Give In

missy1 — Mon, 01 Feb 2016 11:51:37 GMT

Some men act nice when dating, and then when a ring is on... they change slowly. (controlling , abusive etc.)

IMO , this relationship can only get worse unless your sister has a say in decisions.

Re: Spouses that Give In

MomCat — Mon, 01 Feb 2016 13:34:44 GMT

We all form opinions on what we observe, but the older I get the more I try to stay out of other people's business unless I observe something truly harmful. Your sister is probably just fine with her relationship, and things aren't always what they appear to outsiders. She doesn't need you judging her choices.

Re: Spouses that Give In

SeaMaiden — Mon, 01 Feb 2016 13:42:12 GMT

Married 35 years because spouse gives in. I think one spouse needs to be that person or that is why marriage's fail. If you have two people butting heads constantly, the marriage will probably fail.

Re: Spouses that Give In

milkbone — Mon, 01 Feb 2016 13:45:31 GMT

Old Chinese saying

Pick your battles!

Many times people come from different backgrounds.

You never know someone until you have walked in their shoes

Re: Spouses that Give In

Plaid Pants2 — Mon, 01 Feb 2016 13:46:40 GMT

I just had a thought.

The o/p has posted that she has been freaking out about turning 30, and her fear of being an "old maid".

Maybe DD is jealous that younger sister is married, and that's why she is looking for flaws in their marriage.

Re: Spouses that Give In

isaboo — Mon, 01 Feb 2016 13:55:44 GMT

@tedEbear wrote:
Give her a party!! Never mind asking him, just find a good date and start planning-------tedEbear

Good suggestion - that would be nice.