topic Re: Sexual Assault in Community Chat

Sexual Assault

Sunnyfield — Thu, 21 Jan 2016 17:19:01 GMT

OK - I may be opening up a can of worms but I am interested to know if anyone ever had an experience similar to mine....

Years ago (I'm talking early 70's) I was in college and one of the typical spring events was for fraternities to have "house parties" in Florida - they would rent a block of rooms on the beach and take dates for a long weekend - chaperones were there of course, and boys/girls had separate rooms...but you know how that went...

Any way, I was there with a guy I was dating...went to my room where one of my roomates was sleeping with her boyfriend...I laid down (in my clothes) and went to sleep - woke up with a guy on top of my trying to take my shorts off...he was very drunk (I knew him - he was a fraternity brother of my date and was engaged to be married) - instead of being scared or horrified - I was embarrassed!!! Yes, embarrassed and kept trying to quietly get him off me but not wake up my roommate and her bf!! They finally did wake up and said something like "Get your own room" or "Can't you guys be quiet?" He ripped my shorts but never did get them off me - he finally passed out - I got out of the room and went to look for my date - never found him but found another girl and we went to her room - I never reported it...never told anyone except my date who laughed it off and said..."That figures...He's just a sloppy drunk - everyone knows it"...and blew it off...

Looking back, I am shocked at my attitude - feeling like I had done something wrong to attract his attention - and being embarrassed by the whole thing!! I don't think I ever even thought about it as an assault until quite recently....

Just curious as to what my fellow QVC posters think or may have experienced...

TIA

Sunny

Looking back, I'm sort of amazed

Re: Sexual Assault

milkbone — Thu, 21 Jan 2016 17:40:05 GMT

Thanks for your share, there is alot going on here.

Many people said nothing, did nothing. Times have changed, sorta :-(

Your friends were no help, your date no help :-(

When someone rips you clothes, you were saying no.

And the creep was engaged :-(

A few years ago my sisters daughter was murdered :-(

It changed the way I see things.

Re: Sexual Assault

CalMom — Thu, 21 Jan 2016 17:47:43 GMT

Sorry to hear that happened to you. Yes, that sort of thing probably happened to many of us with the kind of response your boyfriend had.

Young men and women are more informed of appropriate and inappropriate behavior. Hopefully, they will Get It! Otherwise, like some, throw their lives away with unacceptable behavior.

At my son's college, there was a player on his team (redshirt freshman) that was accused of rape/attempted rape. He was immediately suspended by the college. A few months later, other girls accused him of a similar thing. There was a campaign on facebook and a you tube video that tried to promote him as a good young man being accused of wrongdoing that was false. It was also noted that the 4 year college was wrong in suspending him since he was not convicted. Two years later, he pleabargained and went to jail for 6 months and was required to go into a treatment program. However, when he got out, he went back to the sport at a junior college and won some awards this past season.

I saw his facebook page and one of the things that was noted that he received a Mercedes for his High School Graduation. That probably sealed the deal in most people's minds that he always got what he wanted.

Hopefully, the young girls are doing well.

Re: Sexual Assault

jlkz — Thu, 21 Jan 2016 17:53:24 GMT

It is truly amazing what our minds can do to protect (?) us from things that have happened in the past.

Without going into any details, I recall one day realizing how narrowly I escaped..... The word never crossed my mind until my late 60's.

Re: Sexual Assault

ChynnaBlue — Thu, 21 Jan 2016 17:58:29 GMT

I'm so sorry that happened to you. And I think what you've described about your feels afterward is one of the reasons rape or attempted rape is still under reported. (Even more so for men who are raped.)

Hopefully that guy never did anything like that again, but when something doesn't get reported, it gives the attacker confidence that he or she can get away with it again. But at the same time, everything conspires against the people who do report: The police are often skeptical, the hospital may charge you for a rape kit, the rape kit may never be tested (See various news articles on the HUGE backlog of untested rape kits around the country), the case may go to trial YEARS later, the defense will blame you, friends may get mad at you, the rapist's friends may harass you, social media may dox you (post your personal information), and the media may out you or accuse you of lying, and people you never met before will insist that you "deserved it" or are lying. Women who report are so brave.

I've been called for jury duty many times and the only time I served was for a rape trial where a man was accused of raping a 14-year-old girl. The case took two years to go to trial, so she was just starting to heal when she had to testify in court. She ran away from home the morning she was scheduled to testify because it was so traumatic. (They did find her safely the next day.) The court clerk read her testimony from deposition or a grand jury hearing instead of making her testify. Her boyfriend at the time of the attack was made to witness it by the attacker and he did testify. It was heartbreaking.

Re: Sexual Assault

DoneTryin — Thu, 21 Jan 2016 18:01:03 GMT

I'm sorry you had that experience! I had a similar experience in college. In thinking back on it, I realize what it really was (I don't want to use the phrase here). Unfortunately, victims of these kinds of crimes still struggle to be heard & believed. Although attitudes have changed a lot since I was in college in the sixties, there's still a lot of room for improvement.

Re: Sexual Assault

Lotus — Thu, 21 Jan 2016 18:03:49 GMT

I had an "experience" back in the mid to late 70's that I still question in my mind today, about what really happened.

Re: Sexual Assault

NickNack — Thu, 21 Jan 2016 18:16:14 GMT

I'm really sorry that happened to you @Sunnyfield. I was date raped in my 20's. I'm 59 now. I was very confused and thought I might have done something to encourage him. I think at some level I realized it was rape, but it took me a while to completely believe it.

Re: Sexual Assault

fortune — Thu, 21 Jan 2016 19:18:44 GMT

@CalMom wrote:
Sorry to hear that happened to you. Yes, that sort of thing probably happened to many of us with the kind of response your boyfriend had.

Young men and women are more informed of appropriate and inappropriate behavior. Hopefully, they will Get It! Otherwise, like some, throw their lives away with unacceptable behavior.

At my son's college, there was a player on his team (redshirt freshman) that was accused of rape/attempted rape. He was immediately suspended by the college. A few months later, other girls accused him of a similar thing. There was a campaign on facebook and a you tube video that tried to promote him as a good young man being accused of wrongdoing that was false. It was also noted that the 4 year college was wrong in suspending him since he was not convicted. Two years later, he pleabargained and went to jail for 6 months and was required to go into a treatment program. However, when he got out, he went back to the sport at a junior college and won some awards this past season.

I saw his facebook page and one of the things that was noted that he received a Mercedes for his High School Graduation. That probably sealed the deal in most people's minds that he always got what he wanted.

Hopefully, the young girls are doing well.

I know of a television star who raped many many women. He got off without being caught, and his loving wife kept her mouth shut.

Re: Sexual Assault

SeaMaiden — Thu, 21 Jan 2016 19:22:38 GMT

@Sunnyfield You do not mention if there was drinking involved in the situation. I assume there was. Also, getting young men and Women together in such a situation is asking for trouble. The fellow that attacked you was wrong. You did nothing wrong except to be in a bad situation. As a young person like you in the 70's I myself made many bad decisions....that is what young people do. I think young people just do not have the ability to foresee what may transpire in any given situation. Thank goodness you got away from him.

Re: Sexual Assault

ChynnaBlue — Thu, 21 Jan 2016 19:27:00 GMT

Side note: I would like to thank the QVC mods for allowing this discussion and the post about Law & Order: SVU. On the old forums, we couldn't even write some of these words without them being censored. This kind of discussion is important and I thank the mods for letting us have it.

Re: Sexual Assault

Mz iMac — Thu, 21 Jan 2016 19:36:14 GMT

Any watching "American Crime?" This season involves male on male rape.

Re: Sexual Assault

Puppy Lips — Thu, 21 Jan 2016 19:50:34 GMT

I am sorry that happened to you. I think a lot of women have had similar experiences. Two things happened to me that I can recall. Back in the 80's when I was working in a downtown office, I was in the parking lot with a guy who worked for a different company. We had been friendly. He was very funny and always made me laugh. When we were walking back into the building, he all of a sudden grabbed me and kissed me. I was totally shocked and pushed him away. I don't recall what I said to him at the time, but I am sure he got the idea that I was not receptive to advances from him. I did not see him or talk to him much after that.

Then in the early 2000's, I was working for a different company. There was a male underwriter who I had known for a long time. This guy was always a huge flirt and was fun to be with. He was always pushing the envelope with me -- with what he said and did. Most of the time I just laughed it off and moved away from him. However the most aggregeous thing he did was when he ran his hand over my backside. That was clearly sexual harassment. But I knew I could handle this guy and kept my distance. I never felt in danger or really disrespected in any way. I learned later that another employee filed a lawsuit against him.

Re: Sexual Assault

151949 — Thu, 21 Jan 2016 22:50:12 GMT

@Sunnyfield wrote:
OK - I may be opening up a can of worms but I am interested to know if anyone ever had an experience similar to mine....

Years ago (I'm talking early 70's) I was in college and one of the typical spring events was for fraternities to have "house parties" in Florida - they would rent a block of rooms on the beach and take dates for a long weekend - chaperones were there of course, and boys/girls had separate rooms...but you know how that went...

Any way, I was there with a guy I was dating...went to my room where one of my roomates was sleeping with her boyfriend...I laid down (in my clothes) and went to sleep - woke up with a guy on top of my trying to take my shorts off...he was very drunk (I knew him - he was a fraternity brother of my date and was engaged to be married) - instead of being scared or horrified - I was embarrassed!!! Yes, embarrassed and kept trying to quietly get him off me but not wake up my roommate and her bf!! They finally did wake up and said something like "Get your own room" or "Can't you guys be quiet?" He ripped my shorts but never did get them off me - he finally passed out - I got out of the room and went to look for my date - never found him but found another girl and we went to her room - I never reported it...never told anyone except my date who laughed it off and said..."That figures...He's just a sloppy drunk - everyone knows it"...and blew it off...

Looking back, I am shocked at my attitude - feeling like I had done something wrong to attract his attention - and being embarrassed by the whole thing!! I don't think I ever even thought about it as an assault until quite recently....

Just curious as to what my fellow QVC posters think or may have experienced...

TIA

Sunny

Looking back, I'm sort of amazed

As for the OP's experience - my Mother made sure before I left to go away to school that I was fully aware of the facts of life including that one should never "go away" for an overnight with a boy, because you could possibly expect to be in a compromising situation. When i was 19 and started dating a man 10 years older than I was and divorced my Mom decided it was probably a very good time for me to see the gyne and get on BCPs. She was correct about that.Mothers should be realistic and be sure that young girls know ALL the facts of life - not just the biology of it but also the social side of how things actually are.

Re: Sexual Assault

MomCat — Thu, 21 Jan 2016 22:53:17 GMT

@Lotus wrote:
I had an "experience" back in the mid to late 70's that I still question in my mind today, about what really happened.

I seem to have that same kind of memory.

Re: Sexual Assault

Another new name Sue — Thu, 21 Jan 2016 23:01:18 GMT

So many of Bill Cosby's targets are coming forward from long ago. Let's hope there is a lesson in this for all women that it's important to speak up. Don't be embarrassed, guilty, or ashamed. Thank you Sunnyfield for sharing. It's a nice opportunity for others to share as well, even those who posted a one- or two-liner. I never had such an experience but certainly stupidly put myself in some dangerous situations. Lucky me.

Re: Sexual Assault

Caligurll — Thu, 21 Jan 2016 23:29:06 GMT

When I was around 16 or 17 I was at a party that I shouldn't have been at. On of the guys I had known for a long time grabbed me when I was on the way to the bathroom and pulled me into a bedroom and pushed me down on the bed. Fortunately he was too drunk and too big (probably around 400 pounds) to do anything except crush me and attempt to fondle me and get my clothing off of me. It was terrifying. I don't remember exactly how I got away, but I think someone heard me screaming over the music and cqme in the room and put a stop to it.

I wanted to call the sheriff, but the guy whose house the party was being held talked me out of it.

Re: Sexual Assault

esmerelda — Thu, 21 Jan 2016 23:42:56 GMT

No experience, happily. You were embarrassed rather than terrified because he was drunk, you knew him, your date knew him, you were in a room with two other people you knew. Quite different from being grabbed in a dark alley by a sober stranger with a weapon.

You were sleeping and, again, he was drunk. How can you think you caused it or brought it on yourself or however you put it?

And what has caused you to drag up this memory?

Have you seen him in all these years?

I think your boyfriend had a good reaction. Of course he was taking his cue from you. If you'd been screaming hysterically, he'd probably have reacted differently than he did.

Re: Sexual Assault

esmerelda — Thu, 21 Jan 2016 23:46:34 GMT

@SeaMaiden wrote:
@Sunnyfield You do not mention if there was drinking involved in the situation. I assume there was. Also, getting young men and Women together in such a situation is asking for trouble. The fellow that attacked you was wrong. You did nothing wrong except to be in a bad situation. As a young person like you in the 70's I myself made many bad decisions....that is what young people do. I think young people just do not have the ability to foresee what may transpire in any given situation. Thank goodness you got away from him.

@SeaMaiden...She said he was drunk.

Re: Sexual Assault

esmerelda — Thu, 21 Jan 2016 23:47:15 GMT

"Repressed memories"...can be a dangerous thing.