topic Re: Cleaning out parents house- so difficult in Community Chat

Cleaning out parents house- so difficult

gidgetgh — Sat, 16 Jan 2016 12:17:32 GMT

This is a long post, so if you don't like long posts, feel free to pass it by.

My mother passed away almost 5 years ago. We went through her clothes and personal items shortly after she died and took the things we wanted and donated the rest. Through the years, my sister, dad and I have pared down a few other things also.

My father had a stroke in August and is in assisted living. We didn't know if he'd be able to return home so my sister, my husband and I have just cleaned out a little, here and there since then but it's still been ready....enough... for him to come back to.

While my dad is doing well, we've decided that returning home to their condo, which is on the 2nd floor (with no elevator) wouldn't be the best thing to do. He's almost 87 and the stairs concern us and he's not quite ready to live alone again. So, we've been working on doing SOMETHING with everything else in there so we can put it on the market.

I'll tell you..... it's HARD, physically and emotionally. And overwhelming. All the changes of address to be done and the bank changes, mail forwarding (which hasn't worked as smoothly as it should) and the repair work to get it ready to list and the cleaning out. Trying to sell some of the furniture. Donate some, keep some and take things to assisted living. I'm there ALL THE TIME cleaning out and, to be honest, it's wearing on me. But we're nearing the end.

The hardest thing though isn't the purging of "stuff". I'm a world class purger. I have emotional attachment to very few "things". I'm not a keeper. I'm the one you want there when it's time to declutter and purge. But doing all this while he's still alive is really, really hard emotionally.

He's been back to their condo just a few times and he hides it well and knows it's the right thing to do, but I think it really gets to him to see it all going away. His (their) entire life being dismantled while he's still alive. It just makes me so sad.

My sister and I are taking him there again this morning (it's been a few months since he's been) for the final resolution of the rest of his belongings- the remaining clothing, personal items, books, etc. The painters are coming Monday, along with more furniture pickup. There's not much left at all and while I've tried to prepare him for that, I think he's going to be shocked....shocked when he sees that ALL of his books and personal items fit on the bay window in the living room. The rest is in the bedroom closet. That's it. Nothing scattered around. Nothing in drawers or other closets. It's ALL in two places. I didn't sleep very well last night. I think he'll be sad.

We've done a great job bringing pictures and things to assisted living but it's one room. There's only so much stuff you can take before it's just too much. My sister and I are taking some furniture, but alot of the furniture was sold or was picked up by charity.

I know gazillions of people have done this before us and will after us. Doing my mom's things was a fairly easy process. She was gone so there wasn't as much angst. This has been so much harder. He told my sister, husband and me to "get it done", giving us the ok to do it, but it's still hard. You can't ask him about every box of paper clips and ruler, it would take too long. So I just made the best decisions I could and saved his personal things till the end so HE could make the decision.

Re: Cleaning out parents house- so difficult

Deb1010yetagain — Sat, 16 Jan 2016 12:17:31 GMT

I just want to commend you on all your hard work and sensitivity when dealing with your dad's things. He's going to be sad and that's OK, Let him feel it and he'll get thru it. I'm sure his assisted living place has many photos, books and other things that mean a lot to him. You sound like you're approaching this perfectly and your dad is still a rational man, Best of luck. When push comes to shove it's all "stuff" anyway. People and memories are the most important.

Re: Cleaning out parents house- so difficult

Mom2Dogs — Sat, 16 Jan 2016 12:20:23 GMT

OP, I do not have any words of wisdon for you, this is a difficult process, and since your dad is still alive (that is good news) it has to be difficult to be going thru his things, like he is not here. I remember going thru my parents things after their death, that was hard enough!

I am sure your dad understands but also he is sad to see a part of his life coming to an end, but it sounds like you have done your best to give him a 'piece of home' at his current residence. He will probably be thinking about all the times he spent in his home with your mom, his wife, of course he will be sad.

Don't be to hard on your self.......you are doing the best you can, and I can tell you have your dad's best interest at heart.

Re: Cleaning out parents house- so difficult

Preds — Sat, 16 Jan 2016 12:21:16 GMT

My heart aches for you and your family. I imagine that it is harder with him because you know the hurt he is "hiding". He is giving up everything he and your mother worked for their entire lives. He doesn't want to say goodbye to the life he had created and he is having to. You feel it and that's where your pain comes from.

It is the right thing to do, but it is not easy. I wish you all the best with the new future you are making for him. His heart will accept it in time. You're lucky that his head has already. Blessings to you and your dad.

Re: Cleaning out parents house- so difficult

JeanLouiseFinch — Sat, 16 Jan 2016 12:24:37 GMT

I can certainly empathize with you. BTDT

Re: Cleaning out parents house- so difficult

pommom — Sat, 16 Jan 2016 12:27:42 GMT

Gidgetgh - I want to commend you on your sensitivity, tenacity and compassion. It is one of the hardest things for children of deceased or elderly parents to do. My thoughts will be with you as you accompany your father through this part of his journey.

When we cleaned out my mother's things after my father died, I held up okay. I'm like you. Not attached to things and great at purging. It was when we found her apron in the pantry that I broke down. It still had a few stains on it. She lived in it.

Thanks for sharing your tender thoughts and story with us.

You are not alone.

Re: Cleaning out parents house- so difficult

gidgetgh — Sat, 16 Jan 2016 12:28:34 GMT

@Preds wrote:
My heart aches for you and your family. I imagine that it is harder with him because you know the hurt he is "hiding". He is giving up everything he and your mother worked for their entire lives. He doesn't want to say goodbye to the life he had created and he is having to. You feel it and that's where your pain comes from.
It is the right thing to do, but it is not easy. I wish you all the best with the new future you are making for him. His heart will accept it in time. You're lucky that his head has already. Blessings to you and your dad.

@Preds- yep, you nailed it

Re: Cleaning out parents house- so difficult

Dominosmom — Sat, 16 Jan 2016 12:30:03 GMT

I have been through this twice now and know how you feel. Just want to share that when my fil visited our home he was comforted and pleased to see the things we moved to our house. I was overjoyed when he told me that my house made him feel at home.

Re: Cleaning out parents house- so difficult

gidgetgh — Sat, 16 Jan 2016 12:36:38 GMT

@pommom wrote:
Gidgetgh - I want to commend you on your sensitivity, tenacity and compassion. It is one of the hardest things for children of deceased or elderly parents to do. My thoughts will be with you as you accompany your father through this part of his journey.

When we cleaned out my mother's things after my father died, I held up okay. I'm like you. Not attached to things and great at purging. It was when we found her apron in the pantry that I broke down. It still had a few stains on it. She lived in it.

Thanks for sharing your tender thoughts and story with us.

You are not alone.

@pommom- when we cleaned out my mom's things, it was a plain white envelope. You know, the kind you get at the bank. They put your cash in it. My mom had one and kept her gambling money in it. She loved to go to the casinos in Atlantic City and Biloxi. Anyway, in hospice she'd told me where she kept her gambling money so I'd know. The day after she died, I got the envelope and distributed the money to my sister, dad and me as she'd asked. The envelope had her writing all over it. FIgures she'd written down; additions, subtractions. I WAILED when I saw the envelope (and I'm crying now). I couldn't care less about the $300 that was in it. It was the envelope. My mother grew up very poor and I was always so thrilled that my parents had enough money so that she could enjoy herself at the casinos. I'll tell you.... I still have the envelope. Some day, my sister's kids can throw it away when they clean out my things, but I won't get rid of it. A silly white bank envelope means the world to me.

Re: Cleaning out parents house- so difficult

sarpy — Sat, 16 Jan 2016 12:44:24 GMT

We are 77 & 78 so we have been cleaning out our house so the kids don't have to do it when the time comes. We even have our funerals paid for and plots bought and tombstone on it. We are not a flashy couple and don't what our girls to have to do it. Just yesterday we took the last of our Xmas decor that I was tired of to GoodWill. We have a 1200 sq. house that is just right for us and easy to get around in. Good luck to you OP!!

Re: Cleaning out parents house- so difficult

NickNack — Sat, 16 Jan 2016 12:47:16 GMT

@gidgetgh I feel for you having to go through that. My sister and I are about to start that process with my father's house. He moved into an Independent Living facility this summer but doesn't want to give up his home yet. I understand his feelings, but it's time now to do it. It sounds like you have done a great job cleaning out your parents house.

Re: Cleaning out parents house- so difficult

MaggieMack — Sat, 16 Jan 2016 12:48:11 GMT

@gidgetgh, it is clear you love your mom and dad. Though difficult, those tasks that you have completed are evidence of that love, and your dad still sees/knows/feels that love. What a gift to him! Giving up his home is symbolic of giving up his life on this earth, another visible reminder that it all will end. He will probably need an extra dose of love and support while he accepts the new reality of his life. I know you will be there to give it to him.

Re: Cleaning out parents house- so difficult

PamelaSue72 — Sat, 16 Jan 2016 12:52:45 GMT

I know. I really do know. We cleaned my parents' house out when they downsized. Then cleaned their apartment out after they passed.

We cleaned my aunt's house out when she passed. And that was a nightmare because she was a packrat. It was not pretty and it took forever.

DH's father passed away last year. At the end of the year, his mother went into assisted living. It has fallen to us to clean out the house and prepare for a public sale. His parents were packrats as well, and this is proving to be quite a challenge. We still work full time, so we take a night a week, plus one day a weekend to go and work on the house. Clothes that are decades-old and haven't been worn since then, but still there. Old linens that are yellowed beyond belief, but still there. It's truly amazing the stuff we're finding.

His mom wanted to come back to the house to supervise the cleaning-out. No. We need to get it done and she can't take a lot of things with her to assisted living; there is simply not enough room. Nor can we take it; at our age, we are looking at downsizing our things, not adding to them. It's very sad, it really is, but there's nothing we can do about it. So it must go. It hurts her. It hurts us.

His parents had a dog, a beagle. She is now 11 years old. What do you with an elderly dog that nobody wants? Stick her in a kennel to live out her years? Euthanize her? No. You take her home. And you care for her. We have six cats, ranging from almost 20 years old, down to 5 years old. And now we have an 11-year old beagle; she came to live with us back in the middle of November, so she's been here almost two months now. It took a lot of time for all of us to get used to things. Our cats are not pleased, but it's almost like they know this was the only alternative and they're doing the best they can; the dog was an only "child" and she certainly was not used to having to deal with cats. And we are not really dog people. But she's a good girl and we're doing the best we can for the cats and for the dog. It is what it is. She has a home with us.

The whole thing is taking a toll on everybody.

Re: Cleaning out parents house- so difficult

Lila Belle — Sat, 16 Jan 2016 13:13:49 GMT

I'll bet that is hard !

I hope things go well for your dad and your family as well.

Re: Cleaning out parents house- so difficult

151949 — Sat, 16 Jan 2016 13:20:20 GMT

When my parents had their accident that killed my Mom and left my Dad a quadraplegic it was obvious Dad could not go back to their home. We immediately got in there and took their personal belongings out, but between my job and being there for my Dad who was in the trauma unit then a rehab that was about 35 miles from our home I just couldn't deal with the rest of their house. A guy at my DH's company was transferring in to Pitts. from another state and needed a cheap place to live while he searched for a home for his family so I rented it to him furnished for a year at our cost. He was grateful and I was glad to have someone trustworthy in there. When he found a home to move into we happened to have an old friend who was getting a divorce. He offered to buy all the contents for one price - a pretty generous price.He took everything - furniture, dishes, pot & pans,curtain, towels & washcloths - all of it.He was happy to get it and we were happy to get rid of it. He hired a compnay to go in and pack it all up and move it and I was grateful to not have to go through it.

Re: Cleaning out parents house- so difficult

hoosieroriginal — Sat, 16 Jan 2016 13:21:08 GMT

At least YOU are not a hoarder - that would make this so much more difficult. Your dad has given you the go-ahead - that's great - sounds like you are on the right track. That's why I'm constantly purging at 63 - I don't want my family to say "Oh my - she kept everything!" My neighbor's aunt died in November, they are STILL going through that house! And my neighbor is a hoarder, so she's keeping basically everything and complaining if anyone gets rid of anything.

Re: Cleaning out parents house- so difficult

151949 — Sat, 16 Jan 2016 13:27:15 GMT

pam Sue - I know what you mean about the dog. My parents had a Jack Russel that was very old and we had to take her in too. We already had a weimaraner and the 2 of them got along ok but we never had any plan to get a second dog. She was so distraught at the loss of my Dad ! I used to take her to the rehab to visit him and they would both be so happy to see each other.

Re: Cleaning out parents house- so difficult

IamMrsG — Sat, 16 Jan 2016 13:44:25 GMT

@gidgetgh I hope it helps to be reminded that what you have done for your parents is a keeping of the 5th Commandment, "Honor your father and your mother." Your willingness to subject yourself to such psychical and emotional strain for his benefit is indeed an honoring of your father. May God bless you for it.

As I read about the apron and the envelope that brought back so many precious and painful emotions, I was reminded of my own experience in cleaning out my parents' home. It is amazing how such seemingly inconsequential and unimportant objects can impact us. It's those little things that pop up when you are least expecting them that pack a wallop on your heart. In my case, it was a hammer on my ~~dad's~~ hero's workbench. I have it now and would not take a million dollars for it.

Re: Cleaning out parents house- so difficult

milkbone — Sat, 16 Jan 2016 13:44:44 GMT

Years ago my mothers health was going downhill.The doctor told her she was going on the ventalator. She was a HEAVY smoker. The doctor told me, when the ventalator goes IN, there is no turning back. He asked me to tell my mother and what did SHE want to do.. No ventalator she said.

She was a VERY VERY proud woman.

No was her answer. She also DID not want to go into assisted living, SHE wanted to live her LAST days in HER home, in HER stuff.

IT WAS NOT STUFF.......IT WAS HER LIFE.

MY sister and I did NOT listen. she went into the home. I was full of FEAR at the time

I WAS ONLY THINKING OF MYSELF.

I saw her everyday in the home for 2 months, and the ONE day I did not go to see her, she passed.

We all make decisions.

Before my mother became ill, I ASKED her for HER help in going though her things.

THESE are NOT my things, THIS IS MY LIFE.

I KNEW what she was telling me.

I HAD CROSSED THE WRONG LINE.

I wish I would had listened to HER..

I still have most of her things........because it was HER LIFE !

Live and let live....I was dead wrong, selfish :-(

Re: Cleaning out parents house- so difficult

winamac1 — Sat, 16 Jan 2016 13:52:41 GMT

O/P I SO understand! Prayers go out to you and your family. My mother died almost 2 years ago --2 years ago end of this March. My parents were married for 62 years and they had 9 children and 23 grandchildren.

My father is 86.5 years old. He's thrown away NOTHING of my mothers. My siblings and I went through 2 roorms and cleaned out the kitchen and the dining area--nothing personal of hers was thrown away.

He has a bedroom full of her clothing on her bed that she used when she was ill. My mother was ill for 2 years.

I dread the day my father dies. He's been such a good man and going through these belongings will be sad, sentimental and exhausting. Most importantly, I will miss him so!!!

Prayers to you!