topic Re: DNA testing and adoptees: what would you do? in Community Chat

DNA testing and adoptees: what would you do?

Poodlepet2 — Thu, 14 Jan 2016 20:52:48 GMT

I was adopted in a "closed" adoption meaning neither my adoptive parents or my biological parents were given any information except for minor generalities. I am now 55 years old and I have two adult children of my own. To get to the point, I always felt like there was a huge blank in my life. In my life, I've had a few medical issues and there has been a lot of concern and long sleepless nights because we didn't know my family history. I decided to get testing in hopes of finding something about my ancestry. Lo and behold, I do indeed have a slew of family out there that are participating and want to connect.....but I feel as if this is such a delicate situation. Back in 1960, a baby out of wedlock brought big shame on a family. It's possible that even my mother's closest relatives didn't know about her pregnancy.....but I could also have half-siblings out there. My question is, how on earth do I introduce myself? Do I just come out and say "I'm the secret relative you never knew you had?"????? Any ideas of how I should introduce myself would be appreciated. Thanks,

Poodlepet2

Re: DNA testing and adoptees: what would you do?

DoneTryin — Thu, 14 Jan 2016 21:04:25 GMT

I gave up a child in 1967. The laws on those sealed adoptions changed in my state in 2014 & my daughter was able to request her records & sought me out. Indeed, there are many emotional complications with the entire situation. Although I am still somewhat in a state of shock, I am very happy my daughter found me & that we can move forward in our relationship. My recommendation to you would be to first try to find your birth mother. Just check Google for adoptees in search & birth parents in search, if your birth state's records are still sealed. The reason I think you should find her first is because she may want to tell other family members in her own way.

I wish you all the best. I'd be interested in how it all works out for you.

Re: DNA testing and adoptees: what would you do?

eddyandme — Thu, 14 Jan 2016 21:03:46 GMT

I'd just come out and tell them. Life happens - give them time, leave the ball in their court. If they want to get in touch with you they will.

Re: DNA testing and adoptees: what would you do?

donovan — Thu, 14 Jan 2016 21:10:50 GMT

With the new laws about opening adoption records, I submitted my info and they found my birth mother in October.

She wants nothing to do with me - won't even fill out the general health information form so I can know what may be in store for future health concerns.

Says I will always be her little secret. I have a 1/2 sister and a niece (I only know this because one of her reasons for not wanting any contact is she couldn't let her granddaughter know)

My brother found his birth mom and she welcomed him with open arms.

I wish I had never even started the process - not knowing was better and less hurtful.

Re: DNA testing and adoptees: what would you do?

Noel7 — Thu, 14 Jan 2016 21:12:23 GMT

I agree that trying to locate your birth mother is the first step. She needs to know and find out privately before the others do.

If she wants no contact or has passed, I'd suggest choosing a possible sibling to begin with.

There must be social workers who specialize in this, perhaps one could advise you.

I wish you all the best of luck

Re: DNA testing and adoptees: what would you do?

Noel7 — Thu, 14 Jan 2016 21:15:38 GMT

@Donovan wrote:
With the new laws about opening adoption records, I submitted my info and they found my birth mother in October.

She wants nothing to do with me - won't even fill out the general health information form so I can know what may be in store for future health concerns.

Says I will always be her little secret. I have a 1/2 sister and a niece (I only know this because one of her reasons for not wanting any contact is she couldn't let her granddaughter know)

My brother found his birth mom and she welcomed him with open arms.

I wish I had never even started the process - not knowing was better and less hurtful.

**********************************

@donovan

I'm so sorry, that has got to be so painful for you. Consider the possibility of keeping track of your mother and contacting your half sister after your mother passes.

I wish you all the best, also.

Re: DNA testing and adoptees: what would you do?

jaxs mom — Thu, 14 Jan 2016 21:17:53 GMT

I'd start with the birth parent, at least that's how it worked in my family. I can't even imagine what would happen if you contacted siblings without your birth mother knowing first. On the other hand, maybe you know your birth mother is dead? Are you trying to contact other family members?

Re: DNA testing and adoptees: what would you do?

chrystaltree — Thu, 14 Jan 2016 21:19:11 GMT

I'm terribley confused. Where in the world, the real world, can you go to have genetic testing done and they give you a list of people who are related to you? I work in heallthcare and one of things my department does is obtain insurance authorization for genetic testing. This idea of this is your profile....and.....these are your relatives is preposterous. It's not even possible. So, I understand that you want to find your birth mother and because it was a closed adoption, that will only be possible if your state has a system in which the birth mother provides a letter stating that if/when the child wishes to find her, she would like a meeting. A few states have that but probably not back when you were placed for adoption. But you should devinitely investigate that possibility. In the fictictional scenario that you proposed, there would be only one way to fairly handle the situation. You would ask one of the "relatives" to act as intermediary. If your birth mother wanted to meet you, fine. But if she did NOT, then you would respect her privacy and her wishes. Also, the "relatives" would respect her privacy and refrain from developing a relationship with you. However, none of that can happen since there is no master genetic data base.

Re: DNA testing and adoptees: what would you do?

JeanLouiseFinch — Thu, 14 Jan 2016 21:21:14 GMT

@Donovan wrote:
With the new laws about opening adoption records, I submitted my info and they found my birth mother in October.

She wants nothing to do with me - won't even fill out the general health information form so I can know what may be in store for future health concerns.

Says I will always be her little secret. I have a 1/2 sister and a niece (I only know this because one of her reasons for not wanting any contact is she couldn't let her granddaughter know)

My brother found his birth mom and she welcomed him with open arms.

I wish I had never even started the process - not knowing was better and less hurtful.

@donovan Your post touched me and I immediately felt sorry that you didn't get the desired outcome from your search and locating your birth mother. I hope you grew up in a happy and supportive home. I am not adopted, nor have we been adoptive parents, so maybe my words don't hold much weight, but in spite of the sadness and hurt that came with your search, try to remember that you were a chosen child and that puts you in a special category. Even some of us that have grown up with our birth parents don't always have the relationship we hope for.

Re: DNA testing and adoptees: what would you do?

donovan — Thu, 14 Jan 2016 21:20:14 GMT

Thanks Noel7. Unfortunately there is no way for me to keep track of her or my 1/2 sister. Since she says 'no contact' I am not allowed any information at all.

Re: DNA testing and adoptees: what would you do?

jaxs mom — Thu, 14 Jan 2016 21:24:46 GMT

@JeanLouiseFinch wrote:
@Donovan wrote:
With the new laws about opening adoption records, I submitted my info and they found my birth mother in October.

She wants nothing to do with me - won't even fill out the general health information form so I can know what may be in store for future health concerns.

Says I will always be her little secret. I have a 1/2 sister and a niece (I only know this because one of her reasons for not wanting any contact is she couldn't let her granddaughter know)

My brother found his birth mom and she welcomed him with open arms.

I wish I had never even started the process - not knowing was better and less hurtful.
@donovan You post touched me and I immediately felt sorry that you didn't get the desired outcome of your search. I hope you grew up in a happy and supportive home. I am not adopted, nor have we been adoptive parents so maybe my words don't hold much weight, but in spite of the sadness and hurt that came with your search, try to remember that you were a chosen child and that puts you in a special category. Even some of us that have grown up with our birth parents don't always have the relationship we hope for.

It's really not the same when you know your parents, even if they are shmucks. You still know what they look like and what their heritage is and have a connection with people that you are related to by blood. I'm married to an adoptee and I have a sibling that was put up for adoption. There is hole in the family from that missing person. Even if you never knew they were missing. I didn't find out about my sibling until I was adult but when I did it explained so many things with my mom when I was growing up. And I won't even go into my husbands sense of profound loss.

Re: DNA testing and adoptees: what would you do?

Laura14 — Thu, 14 Jan 2016 21:31:08 GMT

@donovan You are not her little secret. You are your adoptive family's joy.

I am not adopted but I have a biological parent who walked away very early on and doesn't acknowledge my existence or my two sisters. And as you get older, the medical stuff gets more important but there's nothing you can do to get what you need. Kind of puts the exclamation point on the type of persons these kinds of people are.

There is no other hurt like this one and I too sometimes think it might be better just to not have ever met. It is their loss but also an extremely painful one for us. I know that you have a family who would probably be devastated without your presence. It's tough to accept but they really aren't worth our tears. The ones that love us deserve our smiles instead. We can just do the best we can in taking care of ourselves and appreciate those who appreciate us.

My situation is completely different from yours but know that this stranger feels your pain just a tiny bit and is sending you hugs. Sometimes bio 'parents' stink!

Re: DNA testing and adoptees: what would you do?

donovan — Thu, 14 Jan 2016 21:31:10 GMT

Oh JLF - I had wonderful parents and I lost them much too soon. I was loved every day of my life. I was very very lucky person to have been adopted by them.

I have never seen anyone who looks like me. I grew up in a dark haired, dark eyed, easily tanned family - I have blonde hair, blue eyes and burn just by walking to the mailbox.

I thought we could have some sort of relationship - not mother/daughter but a friendship perhaps.

But it's okay - my mom raised a strong girl - I'll survive.

Thanks for the kind words. I didn't mean to thread highjack, just wanted the OP to know it doesn't always turn out sunshine and roses so just be prepared for the worst and hope for the best.

I wish her the best of luck in her search!

Re: DNA testing and adoptees: what would you do?

Burnsite — Thu, 14 Jan 2016 21:36:12 GMT

Closed adoptions were so cruel. A lady I worked with had serious health problems (cardiac symptoms) whose treatment was elusive and difficult.

After many years of searching (this was in the 1990s), she found her birth-mother, who (as in Donovan's case) refused to fill out health information or have anything to do with her. Sadly, my colleague died of heart failure soon after. She was the nicest person--sad to think her own family had no interest in her health or happiness.

Re: DNA testing and adoptees: what would you do?

donovan — Thu, 14 Jan 2016 21:33:31 GMT

Thanks Laura14!

Re: DNA testing and adoptees: what would you do?

Puppy Lips — Thu, 14 Jan 2016 21:34:56 GMT

My SIL was adopted. She was able to contact her birth mother through facebook somehow -- at least I think that is how she did it. Then my SIL showed up at her doorstep one day. That was a few years ago. Tthey have limited contact now because the mother did not want her other children to find out about my SIL.

My SIL says that when her birth mother passes, she is going to contact her half siblings and let them know of her existence. Not sure how I feel about her doing that, since it goes against her birth mother's wishes and will change how her other kids feel about her. Dr. Laura (whom I do not always agree with) used to say that the only reason adoptees contact their birth parents is because deep down they want to punish them.

I have no personal experience with this, so I will stop talking/typing now.

Re: DNA testing and adoptees: what would you do?

Beth-QVC — Thu, 14 Jan 2016 21:35:05 GMT

This post has been removed by QVC because it is inappropriate

Re: DNA testing and adoptees: what would you do?

Noel7 — Thu, 14 Jan 2016 21:37:16 GMT

@Donovan wrote:
Thanks Noel7. Unfortunately there is no way for me to keep track of her or my 1/2 sister. Since she says 'no contact' I am not allowed any information at all.

****************************

@I'm so sorry @Donovan.

Re: DNA testing and adoptees: what would you do?

donovan — Thu, 14 Jan 2016 21:47:41 GMT

Wow.

Re: DNA testing and adoptees: what would you do?

Poodlepet2 — Thu, 14 Jan 2016 21:50:14 GMT

Crystaltree, it is indeed possible: this is called "The Human Genome Project" and is ultimately being sponsored by National Geographic. Anybody can participate and those submitting DNA samples can chose how much information they want made public in their User Profiles, in rules and accordance to the service they chose. This is not a hoax by any means, but it is all voluntary.

Poodlepet2