topic Re: House guests in Community Chat

House guests

denisemb — Fri, 08 Jan 2016 02:53:35 GMT

I've already solved this problem, but wondering about others' viewpoints.

I live in FL and every year my SIL and her daughter stay a few days pre and post cruise at our home. No problem, other than we have no idea when they're arriving/leaving. (I.E.,last year, we knew when they disembarking the ship and wondered about 5:00 pm if they would be coming for dinner - when I called, they were out to dinner with her cousins and were staying there for two days. Nice to let me know.)

This year is even worse. My brother wants to come along (not go on the cruise, but he didn't like being left alone for 3 weeks last year and will visit his "buddies" in FL.) They have a weird (AKA bad) relationship and my SIL doesn't want him to come because this is her "getaway" time from him. But they don't "talk". I have no idea if he's coming, if he plans on using our home for a hotel while he visits during the week or what the heck is going on. They supposedly leaving next Tuesday. They tend to do things "by the seat of the pants" and I like to plan.

DH & I are in our 60's with health problems. Is this normal?

Denise

Re: House guests

gmkb — Fri, 08 Jan 2016 02:58:27 GMT

Unfortunately, I believe this is the new normal. I also like to plan in advance, but recognize that many do not. How did you resolve this situation?

Re: House guests

Lucky Charm — Fri, 08 Jan 2016 03:18:22 GMT

The next time they call/text/email about their *iffy*/up- in- the- air plans, tell them you need more concise details.

Tell them it's very important to you now as you may have plans or appointments and you'll need to work around them.

Re: House guests

denisemb — Fri, 08 Jan 2016 03:29:55 GMT

@gmkb wrote:
Unfortunately, I believe this is the new normal. I also like to plan in advance, but recognize that many do not. How did you resolve this situation?

I suffer from depression at times, so I told them this wasn't a good time for visitors and/or houseguests. Funny, because my husband was willing to "take one for the team" and clean out the 3rd sofabed bedroom and entertain my brother until I went "berserk" and said "But I don't know if he's even coming!!!" LOL

There's a whole history behind this. After I informed SIL, she told me one of her sisters (who she has issues with) now lives in FL and 2nd sister held out an olive branch to visit with them if she happens to be in FL. SIL told her she wasn't interested. Wayyyyy too much drama for me.

Heck, maybe they didn't want to stay at all and this was a good excuse to tell my brother he wasn't welcome.

I LOL sometimes when I can't cry.

Re: House guests

Goldengate8361 — Fri, 08 Jan 2016 03:37:36 GMT

I would not offer my home as a place to stay to any of them. They could stay in a hotel. Really. That, my friend, is NOT rude on your part.

Re: House guests

Reba055 — Fri, 08 Jan 2016 03:41:15 GMT

Sounds like a mess. If you aren't physically or emotionally able to deal with it, I wouldn't hesitate to tell them that sorry, but you are ill. Anyone who doesn't respect that has the problem. I don't know why people think they can just impose on someone, family or not. Luckily I don't have any family drama, but I have health issues and will not allow anyone to pressure me when I'm ill. Period.

Re: House guests

Nightowlz — Fri, 08 Jan 2016 03:57:27 GMT

I would tell them if they could not let me know when to expect them not to expect me to be home.

Re: House guests

January121 — Fri, 08 Jan 2016 04:13:07 GMT

I would tell them to stay in a hotel & tell them to come to visit for lunch as you are not up to entertaining them for longer than that!!

Re: House guests

151949 — Fri, 08 Jan 2016 04:24:20 GMT

Why don't you just ask them , point blank , what you need to know? I don't understand why you stay in the dark when telephone calls are very easy to make and a few pointed questions can clear everything up.

We too have friends who stay with us pre and post cruises but they would never be so rude as to not write and give us all the necessary info well in advance, including when they plan to arrive and depart and to ASK us if we are free to see them at that time.Sometimes it is just an overnight and sometimes it is a few days. We really enjoy them and alway clear our schedules for them.

Re: House guests

NYC Susan — Fri, 08 Jan 2016 04:51:32 GMT

@gmkb wrote:
Unfortunately, I believe this is the new normal. I also like to plan in advance, but recognize that many do not. How did you resolve this situation?

I don't think it's the new normal. I don't know anyone as inconsiderate as that. It makes perfect sense for the sake of all involved to discuss arrival/departure dates and times (even if those times are estimated). This is not some new trend. It's not common. It's nothing more than some people behaving selfishly and not caring at all about others.

I have houseguests all the time (especially at my beach house), and I certainly understand that plans can change. But to leave hosts out of the loop completely and to not communicate at all is self-centered and inconsiderate. In all the years (decades, actually) that I have had houseguests, I've never had a problem like this. If I don't know someone's plans as specifically as I would like to, I ask them. Not once has it ever been a problem and not once have I been left to sit and wonder.

If someone doesn't want to plan in advance, then they shouldn't make plans with people who are disrupting their own lives in order to be accommodating. Their right to be spontaneous ends at the point that it impacts other people.

Re: House guests

Tinkrbl44 — Fri, 08 Jan 2016 05:01:33 GMT

OP, it wouldn't be the worst thing in the world if you were to just say NO, not this year .... sorry .....

Re: House guests

Drythe — Fri, 08 Jan 2016 06:59:24 GMT

Sorry, you are put in the position & glad to hear it's resolved.

Nope, this is NOT normal in my home. I'm just not wired for that kind of looseness, it does seem that some people need to be informed of the basics.

Re: House guests

qualitygal — Fri, 08 Jan 2016 08:28:07 GMT

@denisemb, My point of view is that it's your home. You get to make the rules and since you aren't a hotel, although you've been very nice to them, let them know your plan. They don't pay (not a hotel). Please speak up now for your own sanity and health. Seat-of-their pants is fine if it doesn't put you out or become too much for you. Your house, your rules. As I said, JMHO.

Re: House guests

Desertdi — Fri, 08 Jan 2016 08:30:24 GMT

I have had people I haven't seen in 20 years "announce" that they will be "spending the winter" with me...........and then go on to list the places they want me to take them............ I tell them hotel rooms go for around $300 plus per day around here, and never hear from them again. (And, NO, it's against the law for me to buy them guns.)

Re: House guests

gmkb — Fri, 08 Jan 2016 09:54:23 GMT

I wish you well and am glad you were able to resolve this problem. You certainly don't need such confusion when you have your own health problems.

Re: House guests

Nataliesgramma — Fri, 08 Jan 2016 10:44:32 GMT

You sound alot like me...I tried and be nice to people, didn't want to hurt feelings. Some will take advantage of your 'niceness' and expect you to do things ALWAYS for THEM, whether you are able or not.....I finally got tired of some people treating me like a doormat and I just say "NO" to them now when they ask me to do something....no excuses...just A NO...and if they ask why...I reply nicely...Because I can't and I change the subject.

You will see how LIBERATING it feels the first time you do it and it becomes easier every time after that. Your true friends will still be your friends...the others...well...you are better off without them.....

Re: House guests

missy1 — Fri, 08 Jan 2016 11:09:56 GMT

I don't have overnight houseguets. Hotels are near by.

Re: House guests

jackthebear — Fri, 08 Jan 2016 11:30:58 GMT

@denisemb wrote:
I've already solved this problem, but wondering about others' viewpoints.

I live in FL and every year my SIL and her daughter stay a few days pre and post cruise at our home. No problem, other than we have no idea when they're arriving/leaving. (I.E.,last year, we knew when they disembarking the ship and wondered about 5:00 pm if they would be coming for dinner - when I called, they were out to dinner with her cousins and were staying there for two days. Nice to let me know.)

This year is even worse. My brother wants to come along (not go on the cruise, but he didn't like being left alone for 3 weeks last year and will visit his "buddies" in FL.) They have a weird (AKA bad) relationship and my SIL doesn't want him to come because this is her "getaway" time from him. But they don't "talk". I have no idea if he's coming, if he plans on using our home for a hotel while he visits during the week or what the heck is going on. They supposedly leaving next Tuesday. They tend to do things "by the seat of the pants" and I like to plan.

DH & I are in our 60's with health problems. Is this normal?
Denise

@denisemb so how did you solve it,

....

debic — Fri, 08 Jan 2016 11:32:06 GMT

As someone who loves houseguests even at the last minute, I'd say your family is rude. It's not like this is a spur of the moment thing.

I just wouldn't plan for them, nor would I put myself out. If/when they show up hand them bedding and tell them where their room is.

Re: House guests

JeanLouiseFinch — Fri, 08 Jan 2016 12:03:20 GMT

To be very blunt, this has continued to go on for who knows how many years because you have allow it to. If you felt their lack of planning or keeping you informed was a problem, after year one or two, it should have been nipped in the bud. You can't control what anyone else does, but you can control what you are willing to do and what you will allow. You shouldn't have to make up an excuse to get out of anything. Rather, you need decide what you want, what you're willing to do, and what you're not willing to put up with. In a firm but polite tone, confront the situation and let them know you don't mind having them stay, but you need to know their plans in advance so that you can prepare on your end (your own schedule, buying extra groceries, getting the guest room ready, etc.). If they don't like your terms they can stay elsewhere. You ended your post by mentioning you and your DH having health problems, so maybe it really isn't OK with you to have house guests as you stated earlier in your opening post. If that's the case, then fine, but get it settled once and for all with your brother and SIL so they also know what to expect going forward.