topic Re: Have you ever... in Community Chat

Have you ever...

AliJoi5 — Sun, 03 Jan 2016 22:32:19 GMT

...had a misunderstanding with someone, been unable to resolve it for whatever reason, and it still bugs you? I was thinking about this today (after my Pats lost and I was wallowing in my misery). I had something like this happen my senior year of high school (!) and I still haven't been able to let it go.

My art teacher (Mrs. H) had a daughter who was profoundly deaf, but did manage to hear in some capacity with the aid of a device. Naturally, her speech was deeply affected. She was much younger and not in high school, but would often spend the day in the art room with her mother. This particular day, Mrs. H had us crowded around her desk to show us a technique. Her daughter began speaking, with difficulty of course, to take part in her mother's lesson... with Mrs. H looking on her proudly as she struggled, but persevered. Another girl in my class, I'll never forget it, little Jackie, did something silly to make me laugh, as she often did. The rest of the class had been listening intently to Mrs. H and her daughter. When I looked up, Mrs. H was shooting me a look that I thought would melt my face off. And she was a sweet woman otherwise, who I'd had for art a few years. I wanted to crawl under the desk. Mrs. H was never the same to me after that, and I've always been convinced she thought I was laughing at her daughter. Being 17 y/o at the time, I didn't attempt to right the situation the way I would have today. This has always really bothered me because it couldn't be farther from who I am as a person to behave in that manner.

I ran into Mrs. H years later at my salon... she remembered me, of course, but even less surprising was the fact that she was still cold as ice. As awkward as it may have been to do so, I was tempted to say something to her about that day in art class. But I chickened out thinking the time to correct the situation had come and gone, and that I would somehow make things worse. I once again ran into her and her husband, who had also been my English teacher, at a beach festival (I never run into anyone!!). That time, I hauled azz for the hills rather than even be seen. Yes, this is a bad Seinfeld episode, starring yours truly as George Costanza, the most immature and least tactful person to ever exist.

I know, I know, time to let it go. But man, does this one irk me. Can anyone relate?

Re: Have you ever...

Ms X — Sun, 03 Jan 2016 22:35:41 GMT

You were wise to avoid her if she's that nasty. You did nothing wrong. It was just a misunderstanding. What kind of adult holds something like that against someone who did something so insignificant in the scheme of things when they were just a kid? She sounds like a NUT.

Re: Have you ever...

Big Sister — Sun, 03 Jan 2016 22:40:04 GMT

@AliJoi5 I can understand why you still think about that situation.

It's never too late to write to her and explain you were not laughing at her dtr. I think she would appreciate a note from you.

Re: Have you ever...

Ms X — Sun, 03 Jan 2016 22:41:53 GMT

It seems to me that it is the teacher who owes the apology if she's been hostile and nasty.

Re: Have you ever...

chickenbutt — Sun, 03 Jan 2016 22:43:35 GMT

I can see how she probably thought you, and maybe you and your friend both, were laughing at her daughter and that stuck in her craw. Who wouldn't be upset if they thought people were making fun of their kid, right?

If I saw her I would probably be compelled to try and clear it up, even still. I'd just open with something like 'you know, there is something that has been bothering me terribly all these years...' and go on to explain to her that your friend made you laugh and you were not laughing at her child.

If I were her, at that point of having it explained, I would probably realize that if you were just being a little chit and laughing at her child, it would not be on your mind all these years because you could not care less. That it HAS bothered you means that you are not who she has gone on to think you are.

Can't hurt, right?

Re: Have you ever...

stevieb — Sun, 03 Jan 2016 22:44:35 GMT

@Big Sister wrote:
@AliJoi5 I can understand why you still think about that situation.
It's never too late to write to her and explain you were not laughing at her dtr. I think she would appreciate a note from you.

I kind of agree with this... While most of me says to let it go, I get it that you'd like to set the record straight and you probably have nothing to lose by simply mentioning that you still percieve being 'bad vibed' by her all these years later and while you're not so sure that's approrpriate either... you'd like to clear the air...

Re: Have you ever...

AliJoi5 — Sun, 03 Jan 2016 22:45:45 GMT

Nah I don't think she was a nut. Honestly, I think she was tremendously hurt and appalled that someone would laugh at her disabled daughter. The fact that she thinks that person was me, still makes me shiver. I went to that school from grade 7-12 and still support the hockey team. I always hope to gawd I don't run into her again.

Re: Have you ever...

AliJoi5 — Sun, 03 Jan 2016 22:48:14 GMT

I think you all make a valid point about reaching out to her. I'm still gun shy though!

Re: Have you ever...

Ms X — Sun, 03 Jan 2016 22:50:33 GMT

@AliJoi5 wrote:
Nah I don't think she was a nut. Honestly, I think she was tremendously hurt and appalled that someone would laugh at her disabled daughter. The fact that she thinks that person was me, still makes me shiver. I went to that school from grade 7-12 and still support the hockey team. I always hope to gawd I don't run into her again.

You were a kid. She was the adult. What kind of person carries such venom toward a kid all these years later? There IS something wrong with her if she is acting out this way.

Re: Have you ever...

chickenbutt — Sun, 03 Jan 2016 22:50:46 GMT

I can totally see how this would be bothering you. I would probably have it enter my mind almost every day and positively HATE that somebody thinks I am like that and would do that to their disabled child!

I've had things over all these years, but nothing I could ever fix. I think that this IS something that you could fix. Either that, or find a way that you could get it out of your head.

I'm one of the most tortured people you will ever meet and I really feel like if there is something you can do, and if you wish you COULD do it, then I'd just do it. It could be one less thing that is keeping you from having some peace.

Re: Have you ever...

Mominohio — Sun, 03 Jan 2016 22:52:06 GMT

@Ms X wrote:
You were wise to avoid her if she's that nasty. You did nothing wrong. It was just a misunderstanding. What kind of adult holds something like that against someone who did something so insignificant in the scheme of things when they were just a kid? She sounds like a NUT.

I see this entirely different. This woman was wounded thinking her daughter that struggled was being mocked or laughed at when she was just trying to fit in. Any mother would be hurt by this, and not be able to feel the same about the person they thought was doing this, especially if she once like and respected the OP.

OP, even though you knew you did nothing wrong, the time to deal with it was while still in school. If it were me, and I ever had chance to run into that teacher again, I'd offer up an apology and explanation as to what exactly happened. I would just feel better to clear the air on the subject.

And thanks for posting because my take away from it, even now is that we should correct things as soon as we can, and if we can't we shouldn't beat ourselves up over something that we really didn't do wrong, even if it looks that way to others. And to realize that people see things differently. The teacher 'saw' you laughing at her daughter. Sometimes what we 'see' isn't always what really is.

Re: Have you ever...

INDIANA BONES — Sun, 03 Jan 2016 22:54:16 GMT

@AliJoi5

I am sorry this still bothers you but I truly understand you.

I am not one that can tolerate any discord between people. I normally can't sleep until it is resolved. Actually, I have taken many classes in the last year work has sent to me regarding how to become aggressive.

I am certain that with all the students Mrs. H had in her career she has forgotten this incident. I wish I could give you advice to help you feel better.

I am certain you will get some very sound advice from the nice people here.

Have a good week.

Re: Have you ever...

AliJoi5 — Sun, 03 Jan 2016 22:54:35 GMT

@chickenbutt I think we were separated at birth.

Re: Have you ever...

Ms X — Sun, 03 Jan 2016 22:56:42 GMT

Well, I always make allowances for children. I have nieces and nephews who didn't acknowledge gifts for years and would never think of holding that against them. At that age (teens+), kids just aren't thinking like adults. A mature person would make allowances even if she thought you were laughing at her child and not make ridiculous assumptions about who you are as an adult. As I said, there is something wrong with HER, given your age at the time. N-U-T.

Re: Have you ever...

Mominohio — Sun, 03 Jan 2016 22:55:18 GMT

@Ms X wrote:
@AliJoi5 wrote:
Nah I don't think she was a nut. Honestly, I think she was tremendously hurt and appalled that someone would laugh at her disabled daughter. The fact that she thinks that person was me, still makes me shiver. I went to that school from grade 7-12 and still support the hockey team. I always hope to gawd I don't run into her again.

You were a kid. She was the adult. What kind of person carries such venom toward a kid all these years later? There IS something wrong with her if she is acting out this way.

I think you are totally blowing what the OP has stated, way out of proportion. She said the teacher was never the same, and cold to her. That is far from 'venom' and her being nuts.

Re: Have you ever...

chickenbutt — Sun, 03 Jan 2016 22:57:48 GMT

AliJoi5 wrote:
@chickenbutt I think we were separated at birth.

Thanks, Ali! I like to be able to relate to somebody else, especially with feelings.

Of course, it's always easy for ME to tell YOU what you should do, right?

Re: Have you ever...

Ms X — Sun, 03 Jan 2016 22:59:01 GMT

@Mominohio wrote:
@Ms X wrote:
@AliJoi5 wrote:
Nah I don't think she was a nut. Honestly, I think she was tremendously hurt and appalled that someone would laugh at her disabled daughter. The fact that she thinks that person was me, still makes me shiver. I went to that school from grade 7-12 and still support the hockey team. I always hope to gawd I don't run into her again.

You were a kid. She was the adult. What kind of person carries such venom toward a kid all these years later? There IS something wrong with her if she is acting out this way.
I think you are totally blowing what the OP has stated, way out of proportion. She said the teacher was never the same, and cold to her. That is far from 'venom' and her being nuts.

Well, venom or not for someone to be unkind to a former student because of this perceived slight is ridiculous and, yes, I think there's something WRONG WITH HER. A mature adult makes allowances for young people and doesn't take out something like this on a grown woman. Very ODD. I wouldn't want anything to do with her, frankly. I've spoken my piece. I respect others' opinions, but this is mine.

Re: Have you ever...

chrystaltree — Sun, 03 Jan 2016 23:01:22 GMT

You've been reliving the incident in your head for many years and I think you have given it an importance it doesnt deserve. It was originally a misunderstanding but you were 17, embarrassed and you didn;t have the maturity to explain and apologize. Initially, that teacher (who should NOT have had her child at her desk while she was teaching) thought you were laughing at her child, her coolness toward was to be expected. But it's possible when you encountered her years later that she was didn;t connect you with the incident, she wasn't stand offish, she was just polite to a former student she barely rememberd. You have been thinking about her for yearss, perhaps decades. She hasn't been thinking about you all those years. You need to put things in perspective, forgive yourself and move on. That teacher and her daughter have, you didn't harm them. The guilt your have been carrying around is uncalled for. Don't approach the teacher with this, it's too bizarre and a little stalkerish, in mental way. But perhaps you can make amends by making a donation to a school for the deaf or charity that works with the deaf.

Re: Have you ever...

stevieb — Sun, 03 Jan 2016 23:02:48 GMT

Not the issue at all, I know, but I also question how appropritate it was for her to bring her daughter to class on a regular basis... I'm not sure that would fly in most school settings.

Re: Have you ever...

SaRina — Sun, 03 Jan 2016 23:03:54 GMT

I think I would take a different tack should you ever run into her again. I would say, "Mrs. H, I always enjoyed your art class...and I was particularly impressed with your daughter's participation. She always inspired me."

I think saying something like this would set the record straight without having to apologize for a misunderstanding. Turn it into a positive.

BTW, I enjoyed reading your OP because you are a good "story teller" and you write well!