topic Re: I can't do this anymore. in Community Chat

I can't do this anymore.

LucyInTheSky — Thu, 31 Dec 2015 22:47:52 GMT

This is going to be one heck of a vent piece, so if that's not something you're interested in listening to (and I certainly don't blame you), this is your warning to head for the hills now. I don't have anyone in my personal life I feel comfortable speaking with about this right now.

My father is a horrible, detestable human being. He's abused my family for as many years as I can remember... verbally (his favorite pastime) and physically. He goes from a calm, lucid person to an unimaginable, crazed maniac in seconds. I believe that's the true mark of someone who's abusive... that push and pull, that bait and switch. I wish I could attribute his behavior to aging or even senility (he's sharp as a tack). But he's always been this way, though I believe it's worsening when it should be improving at this point in his life.

Today, I reached a breaking point and unloaded every unconscionable word I've ever wanted to say to him. I was in an uncontrollable rage. And despite the way I've (we've) been treated by him since I was a child, that type of rage is not in my nature. So you know I must have really lost it. I honestly thought it was going to come to blows. It might still. My poor mother has breast cancer and is very sick. Do you think that's curbing his deplorable, shameful behavior even in the slightest? Not one bit. He upsets my mother with the way he treats us, and then blames us for the stress that he believes has caused her cancer. He, of course, is the only source of stress that ever befell this family.

In case you're wondering, yes, I'm a long-time regular poster. But I just couldn't bear to start this thread under my real nick. For this duplicity, I apologize. But I'm embarrassed that this has become our family. I feel guilt, anger, self-hatred, confusion, unbearable anxiety. I never imagined in my worst nightmare that this is how we would all end up, as time continues to slip away. How heartbreaking!

My dear, fellow posters... I need your support. What a way to start the new year...

Re: I can't do this anymore.

moejoe — Thu, 31 Dec 2015 22:54:54 GMT

Sometimes, family or not, you have to walk away from toxic people, they will only bring you down.

Re: I can't do this anymore.

Yahooey — Thu, 31 Dec 2015 22:55:03 GMT

I just want to send healing hugs your way.

Re: I can't do this anymore.

Zita — Thu, 31 Dec 2015 22:56:02 GMT

I for one applaud your anger at him! It's about time someone stood up to this abusive bully. That said, I'm sorry you're going through this, but I think you were justified and right. There comes a time when it just has to come out.

There will be naysayers here, no doubt, but just know you have my support.

Re: I can't do this anymore.

Noel7 — Thu, 31 Dec 2015 22:56:03 GMT

I think it's a good thing you let him know how you feel.

Is there any good side to him... so that you could appeal to it in your mother's interest? If not, my suggestion for the moment is to shield your mother as much as possible, and please consider seeing a therapist at some point to help you deal with all of the issues caused by your dad.

Best wishes.

Re: I can't do this anymore.

Plaid Pants2 — Thu, 31 Dec 2015 22:56:04 GMT

I am sorry for everything that you are going through.

Have you ever considered talking to a therapist?

It might help you learn how to deal with the stresses in your life.

I wish you the best.

Re: I can't do this anymore.

hoosieroriginal — Thu, 31 Dec 2015 22:58:29 GMT

Family can be difficult - I agree - walk away - I've distanced myself (3,000 miles) from my children who have been very cruel to me over the years - I live with much less anxiety and guilt. If only we could choose our family...... Take a deep breath and get away from the situation for awhile. Hugs also to you! A lot of us have been pushed to that point.

Re: I can't do this anymore.

Lucky Charm — Thu, 31 Dec 2015 22:59:21 GMT

Is there any way you could move your poor dear mother in with you?

I'm sure, no matter how much she loves or thinks she loves her husband, he's not doing her any good.

It's time for you to nurture your mother. She nurtured you at one time.

You need to cut ties with your father, whether you rescue your mother or not. Ignore him totally. Just pretend he doesn't exist.

Save yourself. Save your DM, if you can.

Re: I can't do this anymore.

JustJazzmom — Thu, 31 Dec 2015 22:59:44 GMT

Can you get out from under their roof? Or were you over visiting? Any siblings near by to help with your Mom? Can you get your Mom out of that toxic situation? You may need to speak to a professional for ways to cope with both situations-- sick Mom & toxic Dad.

Re: I can't do this anymore.

Kachina624 — Thu, 31 Dec 2015 23:00:15 GMT

Im so sorry you have to go through this. Yes, there are some despicable humans who have no business living among us. Unfortunately none of us can help, only listen. You really need the help of a trained family counselor. Perhaps the place you're mom is being treated has a social worker or can suggest someone. For her sake, as well as that of the family, find someone fast. In the meantime, I'd just try to avoid your dad. Your mom doesn't need more worries. If you can't find a medical social worker, call Family Services in your area.

Re: I can't do this anymore.

Marp — Thu, 31 Dec 2015 23:02:25 GMT

Re: I can't do this anymore.

esmeraldagooch — Thu, 31 Dec 2015 23:03:35 GMT

Lucyinthesky, Good for you. Sometimes you need to clear the air and set Boundaries. I suggest some counseling but if not some good self help books may help.

http://www.amazon.com/Boundaries-When-Take-Control-Your/dp/1480554979

But this one spoke to me and helps if the person you're dealing with is not a christian,

http://www.amazon.com/Pulling-Your-Own-Strings-Techniques/dp/0060919752/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1451602879&sr=1-1&keywords=pulling+your+own+strings+wayne+dyer

Re: I can't do this anymore.

chickenbutt — Thu, 31 Dec 2015 23:04:06 GMT

I recognize that I cannot help, but I just wanted you to know that you're not alone and many of us here, and elsewhere, understand.

For me, it was the mother. My father left fairly early on and I do not blame him one iota. She was cruel, hateful, ugly, and probably the most telling part of it - self-loathing. So, she manifested that upon everybody around her. I seemed to be her favorite victim. She did things to me that are unmentionable, and that doesn't even touch on all the beatings, humiliations, and the SCREAMING.

I could not tell you how many times I was told that I was stupid, worthless, ugly, and fat. The fat part was rather humorous because I was about as scrawny as it gets, as we weren't fed very well. The ugly part I was to learn later was just her self-loathing. The stupid part was comical because she was actually not very bright AT ALL, nor was she educated. Conversely, I was actually extremely smart. Again - her own self-loathing I guess.

The worthless part - I guess I went out in the world and did everything to excel to prove to her, or probably more accurately to ME, that I was not worthless. The things she would do to humiliate me in front of others ended up with me being somebody who HATES to be embarrassed in front of others, especially if I do something stupid that causes me to embarrass myself. The food-related stuff turned me into somebody who is profoundly food-neurotic. The screaming and beatings made me a bit skittish for a while but I worked through that. Well, don't yell at me because I will NOT ever take being yelled at again. heh

Anyway, all that aside the things that ring most importantly to me are 1) You finally just said it all to him; and 2) YOU'RE NOT ALONE - for what ever that is worth to you.

I guess the best you can do is spend as little time around him as possible and when you're not in his presence try to function independently of all the conditioning that keeps you from being able to be who you should be.

I don't think I'll ever be who I probably should have grown up to be, but the years that I did have a psychologist were really helpful and left me with some great tools. I was diagnosed with PTSD and severe clinical depression. I imagine you probably suffer from one or both of those things - probably both. It makes it difficult but, with help, you can come out the other side better than how he left you.

Best wishes to you!!

Re: I can't do this anymore.

GCR18 — Thu, 31 Dec 2015 23:04:22 GMT

@Lucky Charm wrote:
Is there any way you could move your poor dear mother in with you?

I'm sure, no matter how much she loves or thinks she loves her husband, he's not doing her any good.

It's time for you to nurture your mother. She nurtured you at one time.

You need to cut ties with your father, whether you rescue your mother or not. Ignore him totally. Just pretend he doesn't exist.

Save yourself. Save your DM, if you can.

That's exactly what I was thinking. Your mother needs peace to fight the fight and get into remission. The current situation could derail her recovery.

Re: I can't do this anymore.

loveschocolate — Thu, 31 Dec 2015 23:04:35 GMT

@LucyInTheSky, I am so sorry for what you are going thru.....(((hugs)))

Re: I can't do this anymore.

MaggieMack — Thu, 31 Dec 2015 23:05:03 GMT

I can't add to the excellent suggestions that everyone has given. But I can say that you must, at last, feel a sense of freedom from the imprisonment that you have been feeling your whole life. It is the best, first step. Congratulations on finally owning your life!

Re: I can't do this anymore.

ladyroxanne — Thu, 31 Dec 2015 23:06:52 GMT

i can't tell you how sorry i am for you and your family's predictament. you have no reason, though to feel any guilt. you've done nothing wrong. who in the world knows how to handle a situation when it comes up like yours? what does one do? you do the best you can. you need to take care of yourself so that you can take care of your mother.

if you could talk to your family doctor, they may be able to help you with something for your anxiety to help you to get through this. i also have found in the past my doctor was great to tallk to if i had a problem.

wishing you all the best.

Re: I can't do this anymore.

Bestdressed — Thu, 31 Dec 2015 23:30:50 GMT

I am sorry you and your mother have to put up with your abusive father. Don't feel bad because you lost it today. Your stress level is on overload. It probably helped relieve some stress. The only way to deal with people like that is to disconnect. Treat them like an object, and do not listen to their demeaning rhetoric. Their goal is to get under your skin.

Concentrate on helping your mom and when he disrupts you. Walk away and ignore him, before he has a chance to start any conflict.

I almost took a swing at my brothers roommate today. My brother is handicapped and this guy is always pushing buttons and messing with my brothers income. I too, was shocked how I can come unhinged when I am trying to protect my loved ones.

I hope it gets better for you. Talking to a counselor might help you to deal with him too.

Re: I can't do this anymore.

skuggles — Thu, 31 Dec 2015 23:08:25 GMT

You could use some short term professional help in dealing with this in the midst of your mother's illness. We could all use long term therapy but it just isn't in the pockets of many. I wish the best for you! There's no easy removal of the years of pent up anger and resentment from living with a father like this. Someone else needs to come into the picture (therapist) to give you the support and help you need to address what needs be addressed with him , without falling into the pit of anger followed by shame that may swallow you up if you unleash your feelings all at once in this stressful time. Again, I support you 100% in your right to your feelings and also your right to tke care of yourself too even during your mother's hour of need.

Re: I can't do this anymore.

pugvette74 — Thu, 31 Dec 2015 23:09:31 GMT

You said what a way to start a new year... Please know it is a healthy way to start. You came here to vent and asked for support.That is a great way to start the new year! Please know you are not alone. I am sending you hugs and prayers. There are so many beautiful people on this board and someone or something may truly help you...