topic Re: Took Keys Away From Dad in Community Chat

Took Keys Away From Dad

Plaid Pants2 — Fri, 18 Dec 2015 23:07:13 GMT

I knew that this day was coming, and I was not looking forward to it, because I know just how stubborn, and in denial my dad can be.

As you know, he's 88, going to be 89 in February. He had cataract surgery this past Wednesday, TWO days ago!

The doctor said that it would be at least three weeks before he could drive.

He has cataract surgery on the other eye on January 6.

Today he told me that he wants to drive to church tomorrow.

I said, "No. The doctor said no driving for three weeks."

"I can see fine!"

I gave him a choice, either give me the keys, or I'm going to disable the truck.

He continued to argue.

I again gave him his choices.

More arguing.

I was adamant. He was NOT going to drive!

He wasn't giving me his keys, so I marched out to his truck, (I have keys to it), popped the hood, and started to look at what I could pull.

Dad came out, asked what I was going to do to disable it.

I said, "I'll pull the spark plugs out of it.", and I had my hand on the wires, ready to do so.

He then threw his keys on the ground, and stomped off.

I tok his keys.off of his key ring, and locked them inside my car, and no, he does not have keys to my car.

He sulked for awhile, but, once he calmed down, I reminded him, that when Mom had her cataract surgery, she didn't go driving a few days later.

I also told him that he schlepped me around plenty when I was a kid, now it's my turn to schlep him around.

That got him to chuckle.

I also told him that he would survive not driving.

But I was 100% dead serious about him not driving. I could not, in good conscience, put his safety, and the safety of others, at risk.

Yes, he can be stubborn, but I can be just as stubborn, if not more so.

I know that driving is his independence, I get that.

But sometimes safety is more important than independence.

This is that time.

*Sigh*

Re: Took Keys Away From Dad

Pinkroses — Fri, 18 Dec 2015 23:12:48 GMT

I feel for you I remember when we took the keys from my Father. It was so sad but safety came first.

Re: Took Keys Away From Dad

GCR18 — Fri, 18 Dec 2015 23:13:21 GMT

It's really hard when parents age and decisions need to be made. Congratulations on taking the first step.

Re: Took Keys Away From Dad

Cats3000 — Fri, 18 Dec 2015 23:17:56 GMT

It's hard when parents age, period. We are in our mid 70's. I dread the day when I can't drive or when we have to sell our home and move into some sort of facility. You have absolutely no idea of how hard it is to know that you're losing the independence you've had all of your life. It is a frightening thought.

Re: Took Keys Away From Dad

JustJazzmom — Fri, 18 Dec 2015 23:18:18 GMT

My Dad made the decision to stop driving when he turned about 85. I think that when he got a red light camera ticket was what prompted the decision.
When he told me he had gotten a camera ticket, I asked him, 'didn't you see the flash go off?' Even in the daylight, that flash looks like lightning!

I'm glad that we didn't have to remove the keys from him.

Re: Took Keys Away From Dad

Plaid Pants2 — Fri, 18 Dec 2015 23:18:45 GMT

I also told my dad that his not driving was non negotiatable.

I said, "Either give me the keys, or I start pulling."

That's when he threw the keys on the ground.

Re: Took Keys Away From Dad

BabyYoda — Fri, 18 Dec 2015 23:28:17 GMT

Good for you for taking his keys away. It is dangerous not only for him but others on the road.

Re: Took Keys Away From Dad

Noel7 — Fri, 18 Dec 2015 23:36:07 GMT

Awww, Plaid. I know that was tough on you both, but you did the right thing.

Doctors can also have someone's license pulled if necessary.

I hope it works out ok for you and your father.

Re: Took Keys Away From Dad

MomCat — Fri, 18 Dec 2015 23:53:43 GMT

Been there, done that, and really appreciate you. My wish is for everyone to have someone in their life that cares so much about them and others to do the right thing.

Re: Took Keys Away From Dad

Another new name Sue — Fri, 18 Dec 2015 23:56:06 GMT

That was tough, but you did the right thing. Maybe he doesn't care about himself, but what about that kid on a bike? Good for you!

Re: Took Keys Away From Dad

staciesmom — Sat, 19 Dec 2015 00:14:55 GMT

Thank goodness you were successful in getting the keys from him. A couple of years ago, my dad entered the freeway from an off ramp and drove almost a mile in the wrong direction before getting hit by a dump truck. He didn't have a scratch on him and the other driver wasn't injured, thank goodness. We fibbed and told him that due to the accident, his license was revoked. We had been trying to get him to quit driving, but he just wouldn't comply. He could have been killed and/or been responsible for killing someone else. Very scary.

Re: Took Keys Away From Dad

Meowingkitty — Sat, 19 Dec 2015 00:15:02 GMT

You did the right thing. My mother was 87 when she had a minor accident and she decided it was time to stop driving. I did all her grocery shopping and errands until she finally had to go into a facility.

Re: Took Keys Away From Dad

Drythe — Sat, 19 Dec 2015 00:17:00 GMT

@Plaid Pants2

I feel for you.

My dad is my hero, we are so close, I love him, he is stubborn, and like all of us wants to do what he wants to do. He taught me to read, to think, to have compassion, to forgive, to reason and draw my own conclusions, to value the little things, that Quantity is not Quality, and that Faux is not Fine.

He will be 89 in March.

Riding with him scares me. He used to be a wonderful driver, but now, not. I am the only child.

This day will come for us soon, and I dread it. While he is willing to risk himself to continue driving, it is not fair for him to make that decision for others.

He is stubborn. I am too. Guess where I got it?

I remind him often, I am as you made me.

Sending you best wishes, you made the right call.

Re: Took Keys Away From Dad

Say Nay — Sat, 19 Dec 2015 00:39:45 GMT

You're a good daughter.

Re: Took Keys Away From Dad

Moonchilde — Sat, 19 Dec 2015 00:51:13 GMT

You did the right thing, of course. And I think that maybe sooner than you think, he will see it too. I hope so. Regardless, I'm sure that deep down, he knows the tough love is LOVE.

Re: Took Keys Away From Dad

Snowpuppy — Sat, 19 Dec 2015 00:54:21 GMT

Good for you ! I know so many people who refuse to confront the issue or live in denial.

I already had that talk with my own kid. When Im ready or he notices I can no longer drive well, its time to stop.

There is a community bus here and while it takes planning to ride the bus I can do so without a second thought. I took the bus many times when I needed to get to work in the city.

I dont see trading car keys as = to living as a shut in and growing cob webs in your hair.

Re: Took Keys Away From Dad

Kachina624 — Sat, 19 Dec 2015 01:12:07 GMT

@Plaid Pants You and your relationship with your dad remind me so much of the one I had with mine. He lived with me his last year, and his contribution was our food either groceries or eating out. We ate out a lot.

He lost his license when he could no longer pass the eye test due to macula degeneration. He drove far longer than he should have. I retired and moved here in order to support them since mom also had MD and couldn't drive. Just remind your dad that many seniors can't drive ever again.

Re: Took Keys Away From Dad

RedTop — Sat, 19 Dec 2015 01:39:11 GMT

My 81 year old Mom gave up driving 4 years ago, but continues to hold onto her license.

My brothers and I always wondered if Mom would recognize when it was time for her to stop driving, and she did. Her father stopped driving within a few years after he retired. Papaw had worked on the railroad, on the train, and was gone from late Sunday until late Friday. Once retired, and driving more often in local traffic, he developed high anxiety if he drove outside of our neighborhood. He realized that was not a good thing, and gave my Mom his car, since she was the one to drive her parents where they needed to go.

When Mom realized she too had developed high anxiety about being out in local traffic, and connected that condition to being exactly what prompted her dad to give up driving, she let my brothers and I know she was agreeable to letting us be her drivers. We were very surprised, and knew it was a difficult decision. It wasn't until this year that I actually heard her say she was relieved not to have to drive herself anymore.

Re: Took Keys Away From Dad

patbz — Sat, 19 Dec 2015 01:39:27 GMT

My Dad had macular degeneration and didn't realize his vision was so bad he couldn't drive. He picked DH and me up at Dulles after dark and only made it to Silver Spring with my husband giving him constant verbal ques. He was in his early 80s and didn't give us a fight when we took his keys and gave away his car. I hope I can make my own decision when the time comes but who knows?

Re: Took Keys Away From Dad

Big Sister — Sat, 19 Dec 2015 01:54:36 GMT

@Plaid Pants2 You did the right thing in following through with your "threats" to disable the car if he did not give you the keys.

That time will come for all of us and your dad will be grateful he has you to help him. Think of all the seniors facing this problem with no one to help.

It's a worry for all of us.