topic Re: How do you comfort in Community Chat

How do you comfort

MarieIG — Fri, 18 Dec 2015 02:29:13 GMT

someone who has unexpectedly lost their child.

I just heard from a mutual friend what had happened, and I can't stop crying. What can I do?

Re: How do you comfort

Big Sister — Fri, 18 Dec 2015 02:40:27 GMT

@MarieIG This is so very sad. What on earth can you say in this situation? say what's in your heart. Just do not say "I'm so sorry for your loss." That is said so often now that it has lost true meaning.

The right words/sentiments will come to you naturally. If you will not be seeing the parents, then a handwritten letter would be appreciated and something they can treasure for years, if they wish to.

Re: How do you comfort

Noel7 — Fri, 18 Dec 2015 02:45:00 GMT

I don't know if you can comfort someone who has just suffered that great a loss.

Just being there, holding her to cry if that's acceptable to her. Crying with her.

Bless you for caring that much to try to help her.

Re: How do you comfort

MarieIG — Fri, 18 Dec 2015 02:45:28 GMT

Thank you. I will be seeing them.

Re: How do you comfort

gabstoomuch — Fri, 18 Dec 2015 02:48:23 GMT

Wow. I have a friend who lost a child 4 years ago, and it just about crippled her ability to function for about 2 years. She is still grieving, I don't think you ever get over losing a child.

Not much you can do. I remember her saying that anyone saying "I am so sorry", or "I understand your pain" or any words that people grapple with saying just made her feel even worse, because it triggered anger. As she said "No, you don't understand, and no, there is no sorry, etc etc". Quite honestly, I did not say anything. I felt so powerless to watch that kind of pain in a person, it really rendered me speechless.

Guess I am not much help. Knowing what NOT to say might help?

I cannot imagine.

Re: How do you comfort

Lila Belle — Fri, 18 Dec 2015 02:48:39 GMT

I'd start with " I'm sorry. " The rest will come naturally.

Re: How do you comfort

catwhisperer — Fri, 18 Dec 2015 02:52:16 GMT

@MarieIG....first of all, I am so sorry for your friend's loss. That is a tough question to answer. When I found out years ago that I lost my son, I layed in bed and cried for two weeks. I did not want to eat or talk to anyone. I imagine it's different for everyone. You might just tell your friend how sorry you are, is there anything you can do, and let your friend know you are there for support if needed. Let your friend take it from there.

Re: How do you comfort

MarieIG — Fri, 18 Dec 2015 03:05:48 GMT

@catwhisperer wrote:
@MarieIG....first of all, I am so sorry for your friend's loss. That is a tough question to answer. When I found out years ago that I lost my son, I layed in bed and cried for two weeks. I did not want to eat or talk to anyone. I imagine it's different for everyone. You might just tell your friend how sorry you are, is there anything you can do, and let your friend know you are there for support if needed. Let your friend take it from there.

Thank you Catwhisperer. I cannot imagine a worse pain for anyone. I wish I could take her pain away, I wish I could give him back to her, I wish it wasn't true . . . I will try . . .

Re: How do you comfort

catwhisperer — Fri, 18 Dec 2015 03:10:15 GMT

@MarieIG....the pain is unbelievable. Something one would not know unless they actually experienced it. The pain lessens in time, but you never forget. You live with it in your heart every single day.

Re: How do you comfort

Stray — Fri, 18 Dec 2015 03:10:56 GMT

@MarieIG wrote:
someone who has unexpectedly lost their child.

I just heard from a mutual friend what had happened, and I can't stop crying. What can I do?

Sometimes it is best not to say anything....actions speak louder than words....cook her a meal to be sure she eats, ask to help with arrangements, chores....she will know you are sorry....the loss of a child is the worst loss a mother can experience and words don't help

Re: How do you comfort

Lorik62 — Fri, 18 Dec 2015 03:12:53 GMT

I think just saying I'm so sorry goes a long way. I lost a child many years ago and for me this was the easiest for myself as well as those who wanted to comfort me.

Re: How do you comfort

lulu2 — Fri, 18 Dec 2015 03:15:52 GMT

Sometimes words help; sometimes they are inadequate. If you are going to see your friend, a hug or a hand squeeze may be enough. Just let your friend know you are there when she needs you.

Grief is much a personal thing. We all grieve differently.

Re: How do you comfort

onewhiteSparrow — Fri, 18 Dec 2015 03:19:46 GMT

It is hard no matter the situation.......

I was told about one hour again my friend lost his beautiful charming wife. Their love for each other could always be seen ...all the time.

Re: How do you comfort

MarieIG — Fri, 18 Dec 2015 03:20:36 GMT

@catwhisperer wrote:
@MarieIG....the pain is unbelievable. Something one would not know unless they actually experienced it. The pain lessens in time, but you never forget. You live with it in your heart every single day.

There is nothing worse. I lost my parents whom I adored, but I know as awful as that was, there is nothing worse than loosing a child. Nothing. I can't even contemplate the full extent of that grief, it is too painful to even imagine it, much less have to go though it. My heart is aching for her.

Re: How do you comfort

Mominohio — Fri, 18 Dec 2015 03:20:38 GMT

@MarieIG wrote:
@catwhisperer wrote:
@MarieIG....first of all, I am so sorry for your friend's loss. That is a tough question to answer. When I found out years ago that I lost my son, I layed in bed and cried for two weeks. I did not want to eat or talk to anyone. I imagine it's different for everyone. You might just tell your friend how sorry you are, is there anything you can do, and let your friend know you are there for support if needed. Let your friend take it from there.
Thank you Catwhisperer. I cannot imagine a worse pain for anyone. I wish I could take her pain away, I wish I could give him back to her, I wish it wasn't true . . . I will try . . .

What you just said here is a very good start.

Re: How do you comfort

RedTop — Fri, 18 Dec 2015 03:25:32 GMT

My daughters friend lost her twins at 30 weeks; very normal pregnancy, and she had just seen her doctor a few days before. The mom struggled for many months, especially after the pathology report gave no answers as to why the babies died.

One of the things she had the hardest time with, was the fact some of her friends didn't know what to do, so they did nothing. She needed support, and wanted her girlfriends to visit with her, she wanted to talk about her babies. One friend knew that pictures were taken of the babies after they were delivered, so she purchased a beautiful silver frame and had the names engraved on it. Of all the kindnesses extended to this woman and her family, the frame has always been a special and much appreciated gift. Another friend sends an encouraging note every year on the day the twins died, and always mentions their names and ages, which is very helpful to the mom in knowing her babies are remembered.

Re: How do you comfort

MarieIG — Fri, 18 Dec 2015 03:29:32 GMT

@Lorik62 wrote:
I think just saying I'm so sorry goes a long way. I lost a child many years ago and for me this was the easiest for myself as well as those who wanted to comfort me.

Lori Kaye, thank you. Many {{{hugs}}}

Re: How do you comfort

ladyroxanne — Fri, 18 Dec 2015 03:52:33 GMT

you are talking about the worst thing in the world that can happen to a person. you tell her how sorry you are and you be there for your friend. not just for one day or two, but for the next year or two. it's a terribly long process, the healing and she will need all the love and support she can get.

Re: How do you comfort

Suziepeach — Fri, 18 Dec 2015 03:53:32 GMT

@Lila Belle wrote:
I'd start with " I'm sorry. " The rest will come naturally.

Yes I couldn't agree more plus be there for her. There maybe days she doesn't want any sympathy or comfort, people grieve differently. Call every few days just to say Hi and do you need anything. I am so sorry for your friend's lose.

Re: How do you comfort

bamasec — Fri, 18 Dec 2015 05:11:31 GMT

Start by just listening and then things seem to come naturally.