topic Re: Help, let's talk wedding costs. in Community Chat

Help, let's talk wedding costs.

Mustang Shar — Tue, 27 Oct 2015 00:23:48 GMT

Hi Everyone,

My daughter got engaged to her long time boyfriend of 10 years. I'm so happy!

But as a widow who has recently retired, I think her idea of how much I should spend and MY idea of how much, are far apart.

Financially, I'm ok. I have a couple of Pensions and SS surviving spouse benefit. Wedding is a year away, but we still have to book a venue.

I have been on line comparing prices....ouch. I must have been crazy to think I could do a 70 person wedding for $5000. In the Chicago Suburbs, I'm seeing $7000. So I text her, my budget was $5000.00 and I'm kind of shocked at the prices. Plus, that's not including flowers, video , photographer, DJ...omg. She text's back she doesn't want to compromise on her plans. Sorry, but somebody has to. It's very easy to get carried away. I really can't afford $116 a plate.

i gave her a large chunk of the life insurance from her Dads death. My thought is, I will put in $5000 and she can put up the difference. She's 33 just finished her degree and working 2 part time jobs, one of which is in her career path.

Heres the questions...lol : how much for a small wedding these days? Yikes, LOL. Thanks for your experienced help.

Re: Help, let's talk wedding costs.

Kachina624 — Tue, 27 Oct 2015 00:36:33 GMT

I never had a daughter so I might be out of order, but it seems to me if the happy couple is in their 20's+ and have been working, they should bear the brunt of wedding expenses. Certainly they should not expect a widowed mother to jeopardize her financial security.

I'd give them a conservative dollar amount and tell them the rest is on them. You could also offer to pay for the dress and let them pay for the wedding.

The old rules of parents of the bride paying were made back when most women did not get a good education or. Job.

Re: Help, let's talk wedding costs.

tansy — Tue, 27 Oct 2015 00:39:39 GMT

Giving your 33-year-old daughter $5000 for a wedding is generous. Let the two of them supplement that amount for the "dream" wedding.

Re: Help, let's talk wedding costs.

jaxs mom — Tue, 27 Oct 2015 00:42:34 GMT

She's 33 and supporting herself and marrying a man who is also presumably supporting himself. You don't owe her a wedding that you can't afford to pay for. If she doesn't want to compromise, then she better start saving.

Re: Help, let's talk wedding costs.

Lucky Charm — Tue, 27 Oct 2015 00:44:13 GMT

She doesn't want to compromise her wedding plans?

Tell her you don't want to compromise your financial future.

Re: Help, let's talk wedding costs.

missy1 — Tue, 27 Oct 2015 00:53:35 GMT

The couples I know, paid for most /or all of their wedding. Your 5,000 is generous. Why should the parents pay anyways?

Re: Help, let's talk wedding costs.

terriebear — Tue, 27 Oct 2015 00:51:51 GMT

We just did a wedding for our daughter for $3500 for 250 people. We had cake, cupcakes, mints. nuts, coffee, water, and punch. No sit down dinner, no fancy this or that. But she got to invite everyone that her and her husband wanted. And you know what? No one talked about it a week later and said "I can't believe that I didn't get served the same old chicken dinner and salad". We had a dance floor and Dj. And everyone had a great time. Friends donated their home which happened to be a mansion. Really. It was lovely. It was paid for without a loan and no one was broke over it. We gave up credit cards about 7 years ago. It was the best decision we ever made. We had a frank discussion with the kids about what we could pay and we paid what we said we would. At the end of the day they were married. Mission accomplished.

Re: Help, let's talk wedding costs.

Carmie — Tue, 27 Oct 2015 00:53:40 GMT

Congratulations to your daughter and her fiance.

Being the MOB can be very a emotional time and a rollar coaster ride for mom and daughter.

It is so easy to get caught up in the moment and spend more money than we know we are comfortable with.

I would suggest that you just give your daughter a set amount of money (whatever you feel comfortable with) and let her do the planning and allow her and her finace to pony up the rest if they want to spend more than your allowance.

BTW: $116 a plate not including the drinks and cake is not an usual price for a wedding anymore.

Off topic: I was surprised at the recent topic on the forums where a bride sent a bill to guests who did not show up and did not cancel. Though what the bride did was tacky, I can understand her frustration. We wasted a couple of thousand of dollars on no show guests when my daughter got married.

I hope your daughter can plan a nice wedding on a budget. It is a waste of money IMO to spend so much money on a party.

Re: Help, let's talk wedding costs.

nunya — Tue, 27 Oct 2015 00:54:35 GMT

@tansy wrote:
Giving your 33-year-old daughter $5000 for a wedding is generous. Let the two of them supplement that amount for the "dream" wedding.

I agree, I would feel selfish asking my Mother for more than she offered or could afford.

Re: Help, let's talk wedding costs.

151949 — Tue, 27 Oct 2015 00:56:14 GMT

When i got engaged my parents gave me a certain amount of money for my wedding. I agreed to keep it under that and i did. Were there things like fancy flower arrangements on every table - no. As a matter of fact the florist said he does bride and bridesmaid arrangements that can be placed together on the brides table to be the centerpiece so that was what we did.Did I have a budget for my dress that was absolute, yes. We had a band that was a bunch of high school friends. they are very good and we didn't have to pay for them because they did it as a wedding gift to us. My point is - you need to have a serious discussion with your daughter about the financial reality.

Re: Help, let's talk wedding costs.

VanSleepy — Tue, 27 Oct 2015 00:56:46 GMT

If $5,000 is what you are comfortable giving her, then $5,000 it is. She and her fiance can make up the difference or scale down. There is also no reason his parents can't contribute if they're able. The venue is just one of a whole lot of expenses.

Re: Help, let's talk wedding costs.

SANNA — Tue, 27 Oct 2015 01:01:51 GMT

Congratulations Mustangshar!

You are doing what you can,mama!

may be they come to their senses, tell you it is much cheaper in your area then mine in NJ.

My daughter also just got engaged 4 days ago!!! They are buying a house together so we are helping and therefore no big wedding. Actually my daughter doesn't want a big one anyway, thank G-d. So we will face your dilemma soon. I know I want her to have a nice dress, nice proper ceremony and really good photo shoot for memories.

keep us posted! Good luck.

Re: Help, let's talk wedding costs.

DoneTryin — Tue, 27 Oct 2015 01:05:56 GMT

I don't want to sound harsh, but here's my 2¢ worth, as I've been trying to figure out how far my retirement $ will go as I'm rapidly approaching my 68th birthday: Stand firm on the $5000 that you've offered & tell them (yes, them) if they expect more from you for this one-day event they'll have to agree to supplement your retirement income for the rest of your life. I'm sure they'll see the light & pay for everything over your generous $5k offer. I might sound mean, but I really do wish the couple all the best.

Re: Help, let's talk wedding costs.

hopi — Tue, 27 Oct 2015 01:12:59 GMT

@Mustang Shar

CONGRATULATIONS....

Don't feel pressure into paying for the whole wedding. All these silly wedding shows on TV have caused a unrealistic views on what a wedding should be. Also in Chicago everyone has a big weddings.

I know of very "well to do" parents that don't pay for their daughter's weddings. It helps keep the "kids" in check. Some people may buy a dress or pay for the reception but never the whole thing. It is an major life event but should not be the cost of a down payment on a house or with some a house.

Best of luck to you and Best Wishes for your Family.

Re: Help, let's talk wedding costs.

riley1 — Tue, 27 Oct 2015 01:13:49 GMT

@Mustang Shar - Congratulations! I think what you offered is very generous. People should not go into debt for a wedding. Either they will have to kick in the rest or scale back on their expenses. What about his parents helping out? How about a luncheon instead of an evening affair - it might be less costly. Even changing the day of the week can bring the price down. I just heard of two weddings - one was a Thursday evening, the other was on a Monday. Good luck!

Re: Help, let's talk wedding costs.

Abrowneyegirl — Tue, 27 Oct 2015 01:14:45 GMT

I have to agree with previous posters, the notion that a bride's parents are on "the hook" to fund some expensive lavish affair is out-dated info.

Do not feel pressure or guilt to do so!

We got married in our 30's (6 years ago) and we as adults with finanical sense, respect and ethics we planned a wedding WE could afford. We did not ask our parents for a dime. My mother is a widow and would never put her in finanical bind.

Our parents/mom both offered an amount of money they could afford and we greatly appreciated it.

Re: Help, let's talk wedding costs.

september — Tue, 27 Oct 2015 01:17:23 GMT

It is a challenge, to stick to a budget when planning a wedding. My son got married three years ago (about 120 people) , and as the mother of the groom...I spent about $5000. Paid for a rehearsal dinner that included all members of the wedding party, as well as close relatives.

Then paid for the bar service at the reception. It adds up quickly!

I have a daughter who will probably get married in a few years, so I'm aware of the costs that the brides family typically covers.

Re: Help, let's talk wedding costs.

RoughDraft — Tue, 27 Oct 2015 01:20:51 GMT

Congratulations to the happy couple. That being said, we were employed adults and paid for our own wedding. We never considered putting that burden on my mother.

If you are comfortable giving them $5000 for their wedding, that should be it! They might be wiser to graciously accept the gift and invest it in a roof over their heads and plan a small, less-expensive wedding.

Re: Help, let's talk wedding costs.

Allegheny — Tue, 27 Oct 2015 01:22:03 GMT

Mustangshar, congratulations to your daughter on her engagement. Given your financial circumstances I feel you are being quite generous in your gift. My personal feeling, and I have felt this way from the time I was in my twenties is when established adults decide to get married they should fund their own wedding celebration and not expect or rely upon their parents. If the parents of the couple have the financial means and wish to fully fund the wedding then so be it. However, when that is not the case the couple should be grateful for whatever is contributed.

Re: Help, let's talk wedding costs.

henderson — Tue, 27 Oct 2015 01:24:56 GMT

You gave your 33 yr old daughter a large chunk of your husband's life insurance and planning to give her $5,000 for the wedding and she wants more? You're widowed and retired? Have they been living together all these years? My son and his wife had a small wedding in her grandparents backyard, reception at a historical hall, wedding cake, buffet food which friends contributed to. Her mother made her dress and all the bridesmaids dresses. We paid for a cruise to Mexico for their honeymoon. Now 14 years later she is 39 and pregnant and single...........not by divorce. We lost our precious son to cancer after they had been married 9 years. No children. It took her only about 3 months before she was living with someone.