topic Re: •••Why We Hold Grudges & How To Let Them Go••• in Community Chat

•••Why We Hold Grudges & How To Let Them Go•••

newziesuzie — Fri, 09 Oct 2015 00:05:55 GMT

Excerpts from:
https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/inviting-monkey-tea/201503/why-we-hold-grudges-and-how-let-them-go

"Many people hold grudges, deep ones, that can last a lifetime. Many are unable to let go of the anger they feel towards those who “wronged” them in the past, even though they may have a strong desire and put in a concerted effort to do so."

"Grudges come with an identity. With our grudge intact, we know who we are—a person who was “wronged.”

As much as we don’t like it, there also exists a kind of rightness and strength in this identity. We have something that defines us—our anger and victimhood—which gives us a sense of solidness and purpose. We have definition and a grievance that carries weight.

To let go of our grudge, we have to be willing to let go of our identity as the “wronged” one, and whatever strength, solidity, or possible sympathy and understanding we receive through that “wronged” identity.

We have to be willing to drop the “I” who was mistreated and step into a new version of ourselves, one we don’t know yet,

that allows the present moment to determine who we are,

not past injustice.

But what are we really trying to get at, get to, or just get by holding onto a grudge and strengthening our identity as the one who was “wronged”?

In truth, our grudge, and the identity that accompanies it, is an attempt to get the comfort and compassion we didn’t get in the past, the empathy for what happened to us at the hands of this “other,” the experience that our suffering matters.

As a somebody who was victimized, we are announcing that we are deserving of extra kindness and special treatment."

"The problem with grudges, besides the fact that they are a drag to carry around (like a bag of sedimentized toxic waste that keeps us stuck in anger) is that they don’t serve the purpose that they are there to serve.

They don’t make us feel better or heal our hurt. At the end of the day, we end up as proud owners of our grudges but still without the experience of comfort that we ultimately crave, that we have craved since the original wounding.

We turn our grudge into an object and hold it out at arm’s length—proof of what we have suffered, a badge of honor, a way to remind others and ourselves of our pain and deserving-ness.

But in fact our grudge is disconnected from our own heart; while born out of our pain, it becomes a construction of the mind, a story of what happened to us.

Our grudge morphs into a boulder that blocks the light of kindness from reaching our heart, and thus is an obstacle to true healing.

Sadly, in its effort to garner us empathy, our grudge ends up depriving us of the very empathy that we need to release it.

The path to freedom from a grudge is not so much through forgiveness of the "other" (although this can be helpful), but rather through loving our own self. To bring our own loving presence to the suffering that crystallized into the grudge, the pain that was caused by this “other,” is what ultimately heals the suffering and allows the grudge to melt."

"To let go of a grudge we need to move the focus off of the one who “wronged” us, off of the story of our suffering, and into the felt experience of what we actually lived.

When we move our attention inside, into our heart, our pain shifts from being a “something” that happened to us, another part of our narrative, to a sensation that we know intimately, a felt sense that we are one with from the inside.

In re-focusing our attention, we find the soothing kindness and compassion that the grudge itself desires.

In addition, we take responsibility for caring about our own suffering, and for knowing that our suffering matters, which can never be achieved through our grudge, no matter how fiercely we believe in it.

We can then let go of the identity of the one who was “wronged,” because it no longer serves us and because our own presence is now righting that wrong. Without the need for our grudge, it often simply drops away without our knowing how. What becomes clear is that we are where we need to be, in our own heart’s company."

--Nancy Colier

Re: •••Why We Hold Grudges & How To Let Them Go•••

jubilant — Fri, 09 Oct 2015 00:17:47 GMT

There is much truth to this. Thanks for the post.

Re: •••Why We Hold Grudges & How To Let Them Go•••

CatLoverDogsToo — Fri, 09 Oct 2015 00:18:08 GMT

Interesting post. My mother kept grudges and perceived slights going for her entire life. She was a very bitter, unhappy person. I cannot keep that sort of thing going. I tend to forgive everything, and move on. Forgiveness is really for the person doing the forgiveness, not the person being forgiven. The best description of all of that I have ever heard is: "Holding a grudge is like drinking poison hoping the other person dies." I suspect those that we are harboring ill feelings towards, probably have no idea and give us very little thought.

Re: •••Why We Hold Grudges & How To Let Them Go•••

deepwaterdotter — Fri, 09 Oct 2015 00:19:29 GMT

My long-term memory is too weak to hold a grudge for very long.

Re: •••Why We Hold Grudges & How To Let Them Go•••

newziesuzie — Fri, 09 Oct 2015 00:23:03 GMT

@deepwaterdotter wrote:
My long-term memory is too weak to hold a grudge for very long.

Lol!

Re: •••Why We Hold Grudges & How To Let Them Go•••

daisyk — Fri, 09 Oct 2015 00:55:59 GMT

Thanks for the post. I can dredge up grudges depending on my mood. If I'm in a lighter mood things don't bother me, then in a worse mood I can pull out really old grudges. I wish I wasn't like that. Does a body no good.

Re: •••Why We Hold Grudges & How To Let Them Go•••

Burnsite — Fri, 09 Oct 2015 01:19:35 GMT

To me, having a settled bad opinion of a person (a "grudge") results from something really bad that they did. One doesn't do something bad to a person one respects, or wishes well. So such people are on my radar screen as potential problems.

It's not a matter of me at all--except for not having something recur from the person in question. People will do again something they have already done. They will repeat bad behavior.

I don't think people are evil at all, but I do think their likes and dislikes don't change much. I watch people who have shown that they don't like or respect me and avoid them as much as possible. Life is too short to court trouble.

Re: •••Why We Hold Grudges & How To Let Them Go•••

newziesuzie — Fri, 09 Oct 2015 01:35:15 GMT

@Burnsite wrote:
To me, having a settled bad opinion of a person (a "grudge") results from something really bad that they did. One doesn't do something bad to a person one respects, or wishes well. So such people are on my radar screen as potential problems.

It's not a matter of me at all--except for not having something recur from the person in question. People will do again something they have already done. They will repeat bad behavior.

I don't think people are evil at all, but I do think their likes and dislikes don't change much. I watch people who have shown that they don't like or respect me and avoid them as much as possible. Life is too short to court trouble.

Good points @Burnsite,

but I don't think learning who to avoid

is the same as holding grudges.

Grudges are bitter burdens that hurt US

more than anybody else.

Like what @CatLoverDogsToo

said about poison.

Re: •••Why We Hold Grudges & How To Let Them Go•••

Burnsite — Fri, 09 Oct 2015 01:41:27 GMT

Hi, newzie, If a grudge is defined as wishing someone ill, I agree. Very toxic emotion--wanting to get back at people or wishing them ill.

I still think that holding a bad opinion is just common sense when someone has done something bad to me. It doesn't mean I feel emnity, but I withdraw friendship and try to avoid that person.

Re: •••Why We Hold Grudges & How To Let Them Go•••

blackhole99 — Fri, 09 Oct 2015 01:43:22 GMT

People who are supposed to care about you should not be doing things to you cause you to be holding grudges. Friends who I have to worry about giging me are not really friends and family who slight me or treat me badly I have no time for. I think people who let others treat them badly think they deserve it. I also think if you allow others to treat you badly they think you don't mind their bad behavior or that you are used to abuse.

Re: •••Why We Hold Grudges & How To Let Them Go•••

newziesuzie — Fri, 09 Oct 2015 01:53:13 GMT

Hi @Burnsite!

Maybe we need a definition of "grudges"

from an expert which I'm not lol! I think a

grudge is something people keep bringing up

and mentioning and letting it affect their

life in a way that hurts them and also people around

them can't help but notice it keeps coming

up too.

Re: •••Why We Hold Grudges & How To Let Them Go•••

newziesuzie — Fri, 09 Oct 2015 01:49:43 GMT

There's a perpetual "victimhood" that goes with

actual grudges imho.

Re: •••Why We Hold Grudges & How To Let Them Go•••

SydneyH — Fri, 09 Oct 2015 03:13:47 GMT

I don't subscribe to anything in that blurb. There's usually a compelling reason someone has a 'grudge' imo.

Re: •••Why We Hold Grudges & How To Let Them Go•••

RoughDraft — Fri, 09 Oct 2015 03:55:00 GMT

Carrying around grudges just gives the perpetrator more power over one's life.

Re: •••Why We Hold Grudges & How To Let Them Go•••

Karnerblue — Fri, 09 Oct 2015 03:58:09 GMT

@newziesuzie, thanks for posting. This was a whole new perspective.

Re: •••Why We Hold Grudges & How To Let Them Go•••

NycVixen — Fri, 09 Oct 2015 05:17:42 GMT

@baker wrote:
People who are supposed to care about you should not be doing things to you cause you to be holding grudges. Friends who I have to worry about giging me are not really friends and family who slight me or treat me badly I have no time for. I think people who let others treat them badly think they deserve it. I also think if you allow others to treat you badly they think you don't mind their bad behavior or that you are used to abuse.

@blackhole99 I completely agree. Unfortunately, sometimes when we are younger we can be naive and it's hard to accept that your own family does not have your best interest at heart. In my case, other family members kept advocating on their behalf.

However, I'm at the point where I agree with you that I have no time for anyone that mistreats me regardless of who they are. I've already told my family that is the case. I'm done so please respect my decision to keep a distance and stop minimizing what they do.

Re: •••Why We Hold Grudges & How To Let Them Go•••

CalminHeart — Fri, 09 Oct 2015 09:33:46 GMT

While it can take time, we have to forgive others. Forgiveness is for us, not the other person. My faith is very important to me and I finally realized that "forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us" is true...that we'l be judged the same way we judge others and that includes holding grudges, not forgiving others, etc.

It's not easy to forgive. And it takes time depending on the situation. But we can work toward it.

Re: •••Why We Hold Grudges & How To Let Them Go•••

AngelPuppy1 — Fri, 09 Oct 2015 10:19:41 GMT

Grudges are often very, very hard to let go. And they get heavier and heavier to carry the longer we hold on to them.

I admit that this is a fault of mine. When I get hurt by someone or something, I will often think or say to myself -- well, I will let it go --- but I don't always do so. From the outward appearance, I have. But I am still holding on to it inside.

This does not much harm really to the one you are holding the grudge against but certainly does a lot of damage to you!!!

Also, it give that person power over you --- way more than they deserve, and way more importance than they deserve. When I find myself grudge holding, I try to remember this. Are they worth it? Are they worth this power over you? And the answer is --- No!!!

Re: •••Why We Hold Grudges & How To Let Them Go•••

PINKdogWOOD — Fri, 09 Oct 2015 12:43:18 GMT

Grudges - to hold or not to hold.

Honestly I've had a few things that have happened to me or someome (including my own mother) have said to me that I could have had a grudge with. My take is, I don't hold a grudge but I will never forget what that was, who said what. The one that hurt me the most was one sunny day growing up, in front of my two sisters my mother said something to me that was like a knife through my heart - in front of my two sisters. My father never found out what she said to me. He would not have been pleased. I've carried it with me and still think about it to this very day.

I don't have time in my life to hold grudges. I have bigger fish to fry.

Re: •••Why We Hold Grudges & How To Let Them Go•••

straykatz — Fri, 09 Oct 2015 14:08:10 GMT

I have seen a few family members take their grudges to their graves.....and I wonder if they had any regrets over all the years of missed events and opportunities because they could not set aside their grudge for an afternoon or so.

The downside to grudges....especially within familes is the fact that everyone else gets pulled one way or the other and often shunned if you don't take a side. It's a control game aand in the few cases of lifelong grudges that I have seen each of them were very controlling individuals and when the control was taken out of their hands in certain situations then a grudge was formed to maintain their control.